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How to move forward after abusive relationships

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
Messages
9,428
Location
The Valley of Ashes
Hey everyone
Lately I've been realizing that my relationships with my father and ex-boyfriend have just made me an incredibly insecure person who feels like I need the validation of others to be worth anything - and by others I mean men.
My father and I had a relatively normal relationship until I got to be about 14, when for some reason things really started to deteriorate. He'd always been extremely strict but nothing out of the norm for a french family (there tends to be quite an idea about men being the 'leaders' of the family). We started fighting all the time and he often told me how he wished I weren't there. In the past year, when I decided to go down a university path he didn't agree with, he repeated almost every day how he was ashamed of me. When someone asked him what I'd be doing come september, he'd tell them to not even bother asking because I wasn't worth the trouble. He made it obvious how much more he loved my brother and he became physically abusive as well (this had been going on for years but it got much worse). I simply felt like I was a horrible person who just wasn't good enough for him and who was embarrassing him and I deserved to be treated like this.
The same pattern happened with my ex. I was used to seeing my parents fight on an hourly basis and my mother just stand by passively and let herself be hurt and insulted. My ex never respected my ideas or opinions or whatever I had to say but I never stood up for myself becuase I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I thought I was worth exactly what he seemed to think of me, which was not much.
We broke up in april and I've moved away to another country, haven't had any contact with my ex in weeks and I just talk to my dad on the phone a bit every few days but I just realized that I now hate myself because of all this. I think I should be ashamed of who I am. I think I'm stupid, unworthy, boring, ugly, you name it.I don't think anyone likes me. I don't think anyone ever wants to be with me. I don't see why anyone would want to because I don't see what I have to offer as a human being. I think I'm just pointless.
I'm also still in love with my ex and the fact that he's with someone else now just makes me crave masculine validation even more.
I don't know how to get over this. I have no idea how to love myself - or at least to like myself. It's made it really difficult for me recently because I tend to just shy away from all social contact because I figure no one wants to be around me anyway.
Has anyone managed to get over that type of treatment?
I thought about posting this in TDS but thinking it might be better here.
 
Yeah - I've been thinking about it way too much to be honest. I've been 'pursuing' this guy for ~3 weeks but things are very ambiguous and confusing between us. I really hope it'll work out because I know it would make me feel so much better about myself but I also hate myself for *needing* him to feel better, you know?
 
Pagey, how old are you? I ask because I think our 20s are really a time to figure out who we are and get away from the negative parts from our parents. My mom is a pathological liar and let men come into our house and steal from us and she would give them money instead of paying the mortgage, which meant she would turn into a lunatic when they threatened foreclosure. I remember specifically her telling me to "Get the fuck out" (verbatim) when a guy called her to come over and she had said she wanted to get closer to us and we were having dinner. She basically treated my sister and me like shit for men who in turn treated her like shit. It sucks, and really, it has spiraled into me having nothing to do with her.

We learn in our 20s. The cool thing now is you have places like BL to learn from others. Before, I had no one but my sister who was equally in a bad place.

All I can say is take a deep breath and make goals for yourself and realize that you are not defined by your mom and her mistakes. You can make all your OWN mistakes! YAY! lol

You are one of the coolest, strongest chicks I've seen on BL, and I wish you were close so I could buy you a drink. I am so glad you found this place.

If I had to go off of BL alone, I'd say you have a good future ahead of you (holy fuck I sound like an old person right now lol). But seriously, fuck your mom. Be what YOU want to be. I can tell you from experience that you can totally break the mold your mom made for you.
 
^ I'm 18 so hopefully what you're talking about in the 20s will come soon for me. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, that sounds awful. You're really strong to have gotten through that.

(It's my dad btw, not my mom). I really appreciate your support Lysis, it means a lot coming from you and I also wish you were closer. I'll try to focus on myself and my own goals (and mistakes) more =)
 
^ Well, I was using my mom as an example, because really my dad was distant with us but has changed a lot. I saw him recently, and he's a good guy. He's been humbled.

My mom is my main "parent" issue, and I think we all go through them. We have those defining moments to either let those issues turn us into blubbering masses of uselessness or rise above them. I guarantee you that if you let his asshole behavior define you in any way, you will regret it later. You are awesome and you can rise above it. You are not your dad. You are an incredibly beautiful and thoughtful woman (I've read your posts). You have everything in your power to turn yourself into a powerhouse of awesome.
 
You may need some time away from guys in general. I REALLY hope this guy that you're pursuing is a genuinely good guy and different from your ex and your dad!!! Make sure you're pursuing him because you actually like him and not because you "need" someone.

Are you confident in this new field of study? This university path you're on ... is it something you really enjoy? Something you want to do? If so, you need to go with your passion. YOU know what's best for you. I'd suggest avoiding your father as much as possible. He's doing nothing to help you.

Do you have any friends? Do you have any hobbies? Do you go to the gym? Do you work? Try something new. Something different. If you don't have many friends, maybe you should try to meet some more people. Switching things up and trying new things can help with your self esteem. Working and going to the gym can help with confidence too. Doing more things can make you feel better about yourself. And it can make you think less negative thoughts.

You need to find it in yourself to gain the confidence and self esteem. It doesn't come from having a boyfriend. It doesn't come from things like that. Perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist? Someone who is trained may be able to help you out with that. If you're in university, your uni might have someone who you can talk to for free or even just a lower price. Therapist appointments (around here) are about $125 for an hour, which is pretty pricey, but you should be able to get some discounts at a university. Definitely something I think you should consider!
 
I've sort of had issues like this and I've been single and avoided relationships for awhile. Ignore your dad, and instead just focus on loving yourself, and your education.

I'm not sure if this is good or not but I find that trust is something I am rare to dole out to people.

If you want this moved to TDS just let me or another SLR mod know.
 
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