Relapse How to make sobriety work? (Relapse)

[justme6263]

Hi all, hope everybody is doing well. Just a bit about my recovery attempts.

I am 27 years old and have been drinking and using drugs since I was 19, five days out of 7 and for the last year and a half everyday. I have done some pretty unforgivable things to some of my closest friends and family (theft, lying (honestly an unbelievable amount of lying), manipulating, criminal record and prisons stays etc. I've known that I've had an issue with substance abuse for years but all ways declined to label myself an addict, even though I probably am. My drug of choice was always alcohol and/cocaine. Recently I had got worse and moved away from my parents house and didn't keep in touch with family, I moved in with some of my closest friends but we weren't good for each other and my daily alcohol and drug intake grew massively and I ended up using heroin fairly regularly for almost two months, to me I didn't see the issue with my lifestyle as I was inside the bubble where we were all doing the same thing as each other. My cousin caught wind of what I was doing and she came to see me and witnessed my drug use, something I'm ashamed of and regret so much. She decided the only way to break the cycle was to tell my parents. They turned up at the house within hours and literally dragged me out of the front door. After some very difficult days and conversations with my parents I decided I needed to go sober, and I did and was sober for just over a month until Thursday just gone (13th).

For that month I felt amazing, the best I've ever felt in my life and was so so happy, and I got a new job. Then I started to get the temptation on the Monday just gone but I fought it and was so happy, then my friend called me saying he had returned from many months working in Europe. So I went to meet him in a bar with no intention of getting a drink other than a soft drink, before I had got there I had drank a bottle of gin and took some coke. It was a disaster of a reunion and I ended up getting sick and having to leave him at the bar, I went to a friends house where we picked up more coke and drank loads more until I woke up in my bed yesterday unable to remember how I got there, feeling so ashamed with myself. I thought I was ready but I could stop myself, I hate myself right now for failing yet again.

My biggest issue I found with staying sober is that I just don't know what I'd do in terms of a social life, I don't want to become sober and remain in my house seven days a week because I can't socialise with my friends. I am going to a SMART recovery meeting tomorrow and hope that will help as a month ago I tried to do it alone. I'm from Birmingham, UK and I am struggling to locate and sober living groups who hold regular socials etc.

So my question to you all is how do you make sobriety work? Because I want to stay sober so badly, I really do but I just can't see a life ahead for me. At least not a life where I have a strong group of friends who I can socialise with regularly.

Thanks for reading and I hope you're all well.

Just me.

 

[simco]

Hey, JM. I'm so glad you started this thread, though (of course) I'm sorry to hear about what led up to it.

The first thing I want to stress is that you can do this. It's absolutely within your reach to get out from under your substance use habits.

But as you've found, doing so is both a difficult and slow processes. To the extent that you can, I hope you can give yourself permission to take this slow. Making the kinds of lasting changes that lead to long-term recovery takes time. And some bumps in the road are very likely to show up. For most of us, these are just a regular part of the experience.

You mentioned hitting up a SMART Recovery meeting. Is this something you feel like you might do frequently? Whether it's SMART, AA/NA, Refuge Recovery, recovery-based groups can offer a lot both in terms of helping to add structure to your own recovery and in terms of mitigating isolation. Of course some people find these groups unhelpful. But so long as you go into them with a realistic understanding of what they offer (after all, they are free and non-professional), you'll be in a good position to judge for yourself if any of them is a good fit.

Best luck! And please keep us posted.

 

[justme6263]

Thanks for the supportive and kind words simco.

I am going to allow myself time and to make changes I will need, I've decided I'm going to attend as many SMART meetings as I can from tomorrow and I'm also going to take a few months away from all but my closest friends while I do this. It's my biggest fear losing touch with friends but I've spoken to a lot of them today and they have helped put my mind at ease. I'm also going to try to meet some people who are also in recovery who I can socialise with.

I need to and want to do this and I'm feeling much better than I was earlier,,although I'm still really quite scared if I'm honest.

Thanks again.

 

[losangeles1993]

Im at around 70 days and while the physical withdrawals of Heroin are gone for me my mind is DRIVING ME INSANE...all it wants to do is just get a fix..my first attempt at sobriety i went 11 days and then i went 23 days soo im really proud of myself right now..let me know if you need anything im here and i check bluelight once or twice a day

 

[justme6263]

That's fantastic news man! Thanks for the support as well, I'll be sure to keep posting as it seems to help me understand where I'm at much more clearly too. I woke this morning full of dread and fear and my instinct was to go for the bottles of gin hidden under my bed, I stood there for nearly five minutes agonising over what to do but instead of taking a drink I called a close friend of mine who talked me round and I ended up pouring a litre and a half of gin down the sink. I'd have never have done the before and it's given me a spring in my step today.

Onwards and upwards, I hope everyon is well.

 

[simco]

That's fantastic news man! Thanks for the support as well, I'll be sure to keep posting as it seems to help me understand where I'm at much more clearly too. I woke this morning full of dread and fear and my instinct was to go for the bottles of gin hidden under my bed, I stood there for nearly five minutes agonising over what to do but instead of taking a drink I called a close friend of mine who talked me round and I ended up pouring a litre and a half of gin down the sink. I'd have never have done the before and it's given me a spring in my step today.

Onwards and upwards, I hope everyon is well.

That's a serious win, justme. Congratulations!

 

[vlsol]

I just want to wish you good luck. Trust me theres another life waiting for you on the other side. It's tough but you can do it!!

See you around here hopefully .

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

Hey man, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just wishing you luck and letting you know you're not alone. I'm in a similar position, about the same age, got six months clean/sober and then relapsed because I couldn't make sobriety work for me. Now I'm drinking again and just started shooting heroin. Tried H for the first time in January. Now I'm shooting it several times a day. Like what?

It's rough. I'm not happy now, but I'm not happy when I'm clean/sober either. But hey, so many other people have done this before us right? It's gotta be possible. Hang in there! I'm pulling for you

 

[justme6263]

Thanks for the support everyone, it really means a lot. Today I went to my first SMART meeting, I put off the other day through anxiety, and it was great. Full of supportive and understanding people who made me feel accepted and welcome for the first time in a long time, it was the most at ease and comfortable I've felt sober for years and years. I will definitely be going back each week. More generally I have been feeling anxious and nervous as fuck the past two days, the urge to drink and use drugs has been huge but I've fought it off so far. These past four or five hours have been the worst and I feel sick with anxiety, guilt and feeling shit. I'm going for a walk with my friend and my dog now to see if that settles me.

Someone who is me - sorry to hear about your relapse man, it is difficult but just know like you say many have done it before us so we also can make the change. I don't have any words of wisdom either but if you ever wanna drop me a PM then feel free man. I hope it get better for you brother.

Onward and upwards.

 

[Overcoming]

I am struggling to get and stay clean as well, had such a fucking horrendous year and a half, that I don't know where to start. But well done for going to a SMART meeting, and go regularly if you can. I would also try and get help through the GP. I know they are completely shit but there might be a decent psychiatrist that you can eventually run into. You might find AA or NA helpful. In the UK, there is an organisation called Spectrum who do drugs and alcohol recovery. I think it would be worth you going to there. One problem I have, is what is it about life and being sober that makes me so unhappy? What do I need to find or do with my life or within to get happiness?

 

[justme6263]

I have the same issue with sobriety as yourself, I need to know why it is I drink and take drugs to be able to fully recover I believe. Something I am tryin to understand. Thanks for the suggestion I will check out spectru,.

 

[justme6263]

I'm so so so pissed off th myself! Just came around from two days of drinking and doing drugs... Fuckin fuck sake why do o do it? I don't know what to think or do, I could scream. I just know why I did it.

 

[cj]

Getting sober is hard. It's not like you can just flip a switch and never have another craving. Pay yourself on the back when you do good and pull yourself back up when shit goes sideways. Eventually you'll figure out what works for you

 

[Overcoming]

I'm sorry to hear mate. I am also dealing with painful regret over things as well. It is really horrible, that I can definitely empathise with.

 

[herbavore]

I'm so so so pissed off th myself! Just came around from two days of drinking and doing drugs... Fuckin fuck sake why do o do it? I don't know what to think or do, I could scream. I just know why I did it.

Sometimes I do things that make me feel so frustrated with myself--things I am consciously trying to change--and I wonder the same thing: why? My sense is that I am getting something out of staying stuck. More than likely, it is the familiarity of the self-constructed world around my habit that I am afraid to actually leave. Or, maybe I am more afraid of trying and "failing" than of not trying at all. In the case of getting high, you have to cut yourself some slack because you have been doing this all through your adolescence and that is a time when children have to start navigating the world of adult responsibilities, adult emotions, adult responses to crisis and life challenges. It is an essential development phase of life but the truth is that you can do it at any time--it's helpful and important to understand that what you are doing is no less than very profound maturing--so again, be compassionate with yourself! It isn't easy to do as a kid and it isn't easy to do later in life. It's all about developing a good relationship with yourself so that you see your life as an exploration and not a test. There is no win/lose, success/failure except in our own minds--those are false paradigms that do a lot of damage. See if you can step outside the shame you are putting yourself through and just ask--with no judgment--"what am I still getting out of this? Am I actually getting what I want or need? What is the scariest part of giving it up?"

 

[justme6263]

Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

I still haven't stopped drinking or using diazepam. It feels like I have stalled and I don't know what to do... I thought I had broken the cycle but I started drinking and using again because of the most ridiculous reason. I spoke to someone who I thought was, and considered, one of my best friends in the world. He basically said to me that I am boring when I am sober and have nothing to offer and bring nothing to the table. One of the reasons I drin and use drugs is because I think I have nothing to offer when I am sober and that I lack personaility so hearing him say this reaffirmed that and stupidly I couldn't handle or process that and went and got a bottle of gin and it's been the same as always since. I know it is stupid but I can't process these sort of things sober for whatever reason and I hate myself for it... I really want to stop but I keep fucking up and failing.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

I still haven't stopped drinking or using diazepam. It feels like I have stalled and I don't know what to do... I thought I had broken the cycle but I started drinking and using again because of the most ridiculous reason. I spoke to someone who I thought was, and considered, one of my best friends in the world. He basically said to me that I am boring when I am sober and have nothing to offer and bring nothing to the table. One of the reasons I drin and use drugs is because I think I have nothing to offer when I am sober and that I lack personaility so hearing him say this reaffirmed that and stupidly I couldn't handle or process that and went and got a bottle of gin and it's been the same as always since. I know it is stupid but I can't process these sort of things sober for whatever reason and I hate myself for it... I really want to stop but I keep fucking up and failing.

Is he really such a good friend if that is how he treats you? I mean, it doesn't sound like he is very understanding or realizes the significance of what you're doing trying to establish healthier habits if that is how he reacts to this. Not to mention that is incredibly insensitive and hurtful if it is something that you clearly feel uncomfortable about to begin with. I'm not saying he is a bad person, just that perhaps your friendship isn't as valuable to your own wellbeing with this particular individual as it might have been in the past. Just something to think about.

What first came to my mind reading your post was something along the lines of, "What utter crap!" What I mean to say is, first of all, that insecure feeling you described about how you don't feel you have anything to bring to the table socially speaking when you're sober? Everyone has it to one degree or another. I certainly experience it more than many people (and it was also a part of why I found substance use so desirable, because it helped me get over this kind of self doubt), and it sounds like you do as well. But that doesn't actually mean you don't have anything to bring to the table.

Worst case scenario is that you just haven't connected with anyone who values the same kinds of things you do, someone with whom you are able to connect with to share enjoyable and meaningful experiences. It's just a matter of exploring, and finding such a person, such people. I guarantee you there are out there. A great way to engage in this kind of exploration is to focus on your passions and spend your time and energy on activities that bring you joy in and of themselves (like your hobbies and interests).

The resources you devote to getting inebriated in order to numb your insecurities and self doubt so you can pass yourself off as being a "sociable" individual takes away from those you could devote to becoming more skilled at living a meaningful life. After all, it sounds like having to inebriate yourself in order to pass in socially uncomfortable situations ultimately requires you to behavior in ways you find inauthentic, which is never fun or exactly sustainable in the long term.

Exploring is the key though. Keep your head up, it sounds like what you experience couldn't be more normal. Do you remember what you enjoy doing outside of drinking and getting high, or perhaps could you image any fun alternative type activities/desirable lifestyles that might look difference from what you're currently doing in your life?

I hope this didn't come off as insensitive or heavy handed with my "what utter crap" comment. I identified a lot of what you wrote about with how I felt for a very long time about myself, and many of my own struggles (some of which I continue to have to navigate to this day - I've just gotten more skilled at the navigation as I've gotten older, kept trying and explored more the world to find more of my authentic self).

As long as you stick with it and learn to trust your intuition, you'll go very far. You're more capable than you know, even socially speaking I'd just suggest finding folks who are more attuned to your own values and the kinds of things you find meaningful in your life than the person you described who told you you were boring when you were sober. Even if (and that's a big damn if), that kind of shit isn't fucking helpful...