How to keep it casual?

[infinitium]

Hi SLR, I'm facing a complicated situation with a girl which I can't talk to my friends about, so I'm posting here in the hope of getting some advice.
We've been roommates for about a year now, living with a few other people, all of whom get on really well. There had always been some sexual tension between us, and about three months ago, it kind of boiled over.
Since then, we've had a clandestine, casual relationship, striving to keep it a secret from the other roommates because one of the first rules of sharing a house is 'don't screw the crew', i.e. don't get involved with your roommates because it'll probably end badly.
The problem is that I want to keep it casual, but she wants to get serious and let it all out in the open.
I really don't want serious though - not only am I planning on leaving the country in a few months, but I'm not hugely attracted to her in an emotional way. To be quite blunt, she doesn't satisfy me intellectually, and is somewhat emotionally unstable. As an aside, I once asked her if she would consider shaving/waxing her upper lip (I find it to be a major turn-off) and she was so offended she wouldn't talk to me for days (WTF, right?)

I've told her I'm primarily interested in her in a physical way, but somehow we keep getting more and more emotionally attached, especially as she frequently needs a shoulder to cry on. Plus, even though I know it's stupid, I keep feeling the first pangs of jealousy when I see her hugging other guys.

We've only had sex a few times, but have done a helluva lot of making out, heavy petting, and the occasional oral sex. It's difficult to get some private time to ourselves when we live with so many other people.
Although I do want to keep it casual, this causes some performance problems during sex - I'm totally into it until the clothes come off and the condom goes on, and then all of a sudden it starts to feel too serious, and there's always a nagging voice at the back of my mind saying "Whoa, whoa, slow down a minute, is this really a good idea?"

The worst thing I could do right now is lead her on, but at the same time I don't want it to end. Ideally, I want it to be casual and open, but some of our friends and roommates could react quite negatively. They might think that I'm somehow taking advantage of her, because she's so emotionally unstable. I should also note that neither of us had just come out of a relationship, so there's no 'rebound' thing going on.

It seems that if I break it off, she'll be devastated and it'll ruin the dynamic of the household and possibly several other friendships - but if I commit then I won't be truly honest with her and it could be a lot worse in the long run.

What should I do, BL?

 

[double ewe]

"Whoa, whoa, slow down a minute, is this really a good idea?"

no.

it sounds like you think you're too good for her, and whether you really believe it, or just want to believe it to obfuscate your attraction to her, you're definitely leading her on and threatening the dynamic of your household. so unless you've got real feelings for her and are willing to make an honest try of a relationship (it sounds like you're not), you need to stop hooking up with her.

 

[GenericMind]

I'd stop, but let her down easy because she's a friend. You could just tell her something simple, like you're starting to develop feelings for her or are becoming too attached and don't want to complicate things since you're leaving the country soon. Still wanna be friends, yadda yadda.

As far as wanting it to continue casually but not have it eventually blow up in your face, tough shit. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

[dimensiontripping]

I ended up with one of my room-mates in college and I am with her to this day. It worked out and did not ruin the dynamic of the group even though everyone was on edge that it was not going to work out, but it did. I think besides the fact that social groups are very fragile especially if sex intervenes in the group I think you need to think the most about yourself. This is your life and you shouldnt just be in a relationship for the sake of the group. It will continue to get messy if you are not honest with yourself. You should tell her ASAP and stress that you dont want to transition into something heavier and that it is important to you to keep the social dynamic with your friends somewhat stable (it is inevitable that they will find out, I promise you and when they do their will probably be some shaking but It will recover only if you chose to handle it well).

keep your head up, you can make this right because it seems you already know the answer.

 

[Tech Kinetics]

Hit it or Quit it
or
Don't Hit it or Quit it

What difference does it make?
You're leaving the country, so it's not like you are married to her.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

As an aside, I once asked her if she would consider shaving/waxing her upper lip (I find it to be a major turn-off) and she was so offended she wouldn't talk to me for days (WTF, right?)

I've told her I'm primarily interested in her in a physical way, but somehow we keep getting more and more emotionally attached, especially as she frequently needs a shoulder to cry on. Plus, even though I know it's stupid, I keep feeling the first pangs of jealousy when I see her hugging other guys.
................

there's always a nagging voice at the back of my mind saying "Whoa, whoa, slow down a minute, is this really a good idea?"

........................

It seems that if I break it off, she'll be devastated and it'll ruin the dynamic of the household and possibly several other friendships - but if I commit then I won't be truly honest with her and it could be a lot worse in the long run.

What should I do, BL?

You already know the answer and most people here (if not all) will second that opinion.

When you exclaim "WTF?!?" You are saying "what the fuck was I thinking!?!?" yeah?? Coz that's a really fucked up thing to say to someone who you're not intimately involved with - you say this is casual?? SO keep that shit to yourself - if it turns you off, don't fuck her.

When you feel jealousy - that's just a natural primal instinct - you're fucking her, therefore she's "yours" - you're not interested in a future with her, so override it.

That nagging lil doubt at the back of your head is called the voice of reason. Listen to it, and break this off, if you say she's emotionally unstable REMEMBER THIS just before you go balls deep and just be truly honest with her about your feelings.

THis cannot go anywhere good unless you man up, and take responsibility - calling it a day.

 

[Lysis]

I'm dating someone who started off renting from me. Honestly, you've already crossed a line and yeah, you're fucked since you're not interested at all. The best (albeit most difficult) way to handle this is to move, but you said you're going away soon. This will give you an "out" and you should take it, letting her know that she needs to move on while you're gone.

In situations like this, one person always gets feelings. They might not say it, and they might try to hold back, but it happens too much for this to be a convenient way to handle having "emotionless" sex. It hardly ever works out that way.

 

[Sexfiend]

Umm can't you just keep fucking her on the quiet until you move overseas, let her think whatever she wants but don't lie to her or make promises, then when you get on that plane it's all finished.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

that's really cowardly ^ terrible advice.

 

[Antecessor]

Oh those hairy upper lips, gives me the shivers when i see a girl with them.

Girls retain their baby fur, because they are more neotenized (Infant like) than us guys, more advanced along the evolutionary path.

Whereas guys lose their baby fur, and regrow adult man hair, caused by testosterone.

Females also have reduced brow ridges, smaller jaws and teeth, more bulbuous forehead, and too many other, MORE neotenized features, more neotenized than male versions of those features.

However women do have some test hormone, and this can then cause some masculine hair growth esp on the upper lip.

Upper lip hair is a male feature, thats why I dont like it.

As per the OP I dont see anything wrong with asking his FBuddy to remove a bit of hair to enhance the sexual experience, anymore than suggesting a bit of cosplay would be out of line. Casual sex is about sex, anything that degrades the experience or could enhance it, why would you want to keep quiet about it?