Agreed, Tathra...on all points, I assure you. I guess I didn't "word" that correctly.
I WANT to live...not simply exist in pain, until I die! I believe I have much more to
give, but it will
TAKE medical professionals to intervene on my behalf.
I've
lost the only surgeons/doctors who ever helped me with this disease. They "aged" out, retired, then died.
I lie in the floor, 500 ml intake of mineral oil enema (primal screams of gut pain). I know that disease has choked my bowels/bladder. I know that I am FORCING water through literally a "crimped" left flexure (think water hose). Oh, yes, I use ALL modalities including hella expensive Linzess 290 daily. My ascending/transcending colon inflates to MEGA. No surgeon will touch me.
I try to be mindful, and think myself into another place...
not happening.
I've white-knuckled through
decades of existence, with the HOPE of getting better.
HOPE died with my doctors, who saved me in 1994.
It dies a little more with every visit to my mom in the nursing home. She mirrors ME, only 40 years into the future. She's always been a fierce redhead that would fight with/for you! I am the same...I see how this ends. At least she's lived her life on her terms, suffered no fools!
I find some solace in that, as I continue to stand alone against administrators, elder care lawyers who own multiple "living centers" in my state...and oh, yea...ombudsman with state health dept. who are in bed with all of the above. My 5 older siblings have ghosted my mom and me.
I found my mom in even worse condition than last week. Bed sores are developing. She has a vaginal discharge (bloody) that no one can explain. I discovered her vagina looks brutally violated. She can't tell me what's happening (Dementia) She just groans constantly, only to say "stomach" when I ask "what's hurting, Mama?" Of course,
NO ONE at the nursing home cares. She cries, as I feed her ice cream. She's too weak to draw water through her straw. I did her manicure, as always, and held her hands until she fell asleep.
In my mind, I "place" myself next to my 91 year old mom, both now out of our misery...two birds/one stone theory. I am aware that my husband would die from grief, so I hesitate. He's my love
bird. Where would that leave him? I need to stay
for him...for now.