How to help my stubborn, mentally-ill mother

ErikTheRed

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 21, 2010
Messages
193
Location
San Francisco, CA
Hi everyone, this is going to be a long post, I appreciate anyone willing to take the time to read it.

For about 2 years now my mother has been showing increasing signs of some kind of mental disorder that involves: anxiety, depression, poor memory, difficulty in comprehending the most basic ideas, trouble expressing herself, and a flattened personality.

Some of the symptoms started to appear when I was struggling with drugs. I was hospitalized with a pretty serious OD and also got into some trouble with the law. At first my father and I thought her symptoms came from worrying about me, this is a definite possibility. Around the same time, she lost her job as an attorney. This was a process that had been going on for awhile, her field of of law, worker's comp, was changed so that her position as an attorney became less and less necessary. Around 2 years ago, she more or less officially stopped working. So the combination of losing her job (which was a major part of her identity) and the stress I put her through with my addiction seemed like the most likely cause at the time.

However, for the last year my life has become a lot more stable. I've been on sub maintenance and see a psychologist. I also just graduated from college with strong grades and have a solid career path. But her condition continues to deteriorate. All of her friends and family are aware of her issues, but none of them have been able to help her. Some 6 months ago I had a serious talk with her, that she needed to get help. She promised me to see a psychiatrist but never did. My dad had a similar talk with her, with no positive results. 2 days ago, my dad and I had another talk with her about her condition and she became extremely angry and defensive, pretty much stonewalling us and any notion of therapy.

She seems like a shell of the person she once was. Half the time I have trouble understanding what she's saying to me. At the same time, it's difficult to try to help her while I have mental issues of my own that I'm dealing with, mainly generalized anxiety. But since I've now moved back home from college, I see more of her and her issues are often at the fore front of my mind.

My father and I are worried that it could be some physical issue with her brain, such as dementia, she's now 56 years-old. We tried to get her to go to a neurologist, but again she's extremely resistant and defensive. She's always been a very private and vain person, which explains her EXTREME stubbornness towards the idea of any kind of therapy. She's not willing to admit or talk about what's going on, and I also think she doesn't realize the full extent of her issues. If by some miracle she gets into therapy or meets with a neurologist I'm almost positive she wouldn't be honest about her condition, she also has trouble expressing complicated ideas in the first place.

Since her friends and family are somewhat aware of what's going on, I could try to get some of them together and have a sort of "intervention" with her. But this may make her even more defensive.

I'd really appreciate any ideas on how to proceed or any insight as to what specific mental ailment this may be. I just have no idea where to go from here when she's so defensive. I also feel like trying to help her is making my own anxiety and depression worsen.

Thank you for any feedback.
 
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This saying generally applies well to human beings as well.

It's not really up to you, but her husband, to make sure she's going to get the help that she needs. Just stress to your dad the importance that she sees a therapist, even if it's just a temporary thing.
 
Urge your father to get her to a neurologist. My mother was clinically depressed and couldn't work for years. Suddenly, her speech worsened and my stepdad thought perhaps she was having a stroke. Took her to hospital and turned out to be a few brain tumors. So they operated and took them out. Within months, many more grew and she passed away. It may be more than a mental disorder.
 
So sorry Erik, this year my wife and I have a family member begin to suffer dementia to the point of having to put them in a nursing facility. it's been extremely painful for everyone. Many of the symptoms your mom is experiencing are outliers of dementia, people sense something is wrong but due to the dementia can't work out how to solve it, which begins a cycle of anxiety, depression, anger/aggressiveness which often just exacerbate the dementia, it's a terrible cycle. And losing her job would only worsen these issues even further, as without that identity, self-esteem, and being forced to focus can leave anyone adrift and depressed.

That's just been our experience, there could be several causes behind your mother's troubles, a neurologist and/or therapist are the ones best suited to help diagnose what's truly affecting her. Like T Calderone and Capt Heroin said, I'd stress as much as possible to your father that he heeds to find a way to get her to see someone, even if it's her regular primary physician it could help it if her primary then tells her/stresses she should see a specialist. Again, so sorry, my wife and I have been going through something like this all year, it's really tough.
 
Urge your father to get her to a neurologist. My mother was clinically depressed and couldn't work for years. Suddenly, her speech worsened and my stepdad thought perhaps she was having a stroke. Took her to hospital and turned out to be a few brain tumors. So they operated and took them out. Within months, many more grew and she passed away. It may be more than a mental disorder.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Brain tumors are so tragic.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry to hear about your own difficult family situations.

Unfortunately, my dad has kind of given up trying to get her help, which I partly understand because she always chews him out whenever he tries. At the same time I'm angry that he's let this situation continue for so long. So now I feel like I'm more responsible to get her into treatment. I'm wondering if anyone has strategies to get a very defensive and stubborn person into therapy.

Right now I'm thinking of organizing an "intervention" with a few of her closest friends and family. If this is something like dementia or a brain tumor, time is definitely of the essence.
 
Right now I'm thinking of organizing an "intervention" with a few of her closest friends and family. If this is something like dementia or a brain tumor, time is definitely of the essence.

That is probably the best thing you can do, so that they can see it's not just one or two people, it's all of the people that really care for her in her life that are suggesting she seek out help because of these things, that will really help IMO.

If that doesn't, I don't know what would.

I'm hoping you are having a great holiday season thus far Erik. Best of luck.
 
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