How to embrace the fear and turn it into positive energy

[captainballs]

O i"ve been doing iv dope for the last three months after supporting an already unmanageable pill addiction. One thing I've noticed with dope withdrawals is this fear of doing anything for the fact that it might cause pain or a panic attack. I'm three days clean, although i did pawn my gps to buy a few bars and a couple of lortabs after I just couldn't pull any more cotton shots. but I can't eat, sleep, shower, fix my hair, wash my face, anything. i lay in bed, this latest stint was for the last two days. i start my new job in less than two weeks, and I need advice on how to turn this fear into strength asap.

 

[maxalfie]

If you have only been IV dope for few months then that's not long at all. If you already done few days clean then you shouldn't have much longer till you start to feel better and the dope will be out yr system.
Use yr knowledge of how crap you feel now as an incentive to not take anymore again. If you can stay clean for the next 2 weeks then you should be feeling much better by the time you start yr new job.
But if you carry on with the dope then you may find yr new job won't last long. I been on heroin for around 11years now, get out while its still early days for you as it will only get harder the longer you carry on using.
Good luck with getting clean and your new job

 

[captainballs]

Is it normal to feel like I wont last long at my new job without dope/pills/benzos? How do i deal with that?

 

[Dave]

All I can think of is 'fake it till you make it'. If you can handle being (relatively) sober when you're not working, then you can do it working. Hell, spending time at work, where you have to focus on something external to yourself, might well be a boon for staying clean.

As far as the challenge of starting a new job at a time like this: like many people, I've had to overcome some "impostor's syndrome" in many situations, including work. Luckily, when I started my current job it just wasn't an option to use drugs to cope; I wouldn't last a week. But I muddled along, and in time my confidence grew to the point where I now have a PhD, three engineers and a handful of execs of various backgrounds asking my advice on technical matters.

I know that our situations are very different, but I think that the solution is the same. Stiff upper lip, and work straight through the discomfort of starting a new job. It's not easy, but it will be well worth it once you've put in the effort and the time.

 

[captainballs]

That really is fantastic advice and a good example. I say this mostly because this is what I tell myself: work through the pain. My biggest problem at the new job will probably be having to shit myself at all the wrong times, and revisiting the anxiety two-fold that is based on this fundamental embarrassment that I've always had about people being better or stronger than me. These are feeling I should have grown out of, but I recognize that I've never given myself the chance to from the ages of 17-now (27). I'm an unfortunate believer in the reality that drugs halt emotional development. I notice that a lot of opiate addicts look really young from experience in rehab with older dope addicts, and I think it's because they preserved their childhoods via dope. I'm scared of doing the same thing and being some doe-eyed invalid.

I was told today by someone else what you are essentially saying about being forced to focus on something besides myself. Trying times like these always make me curl up and regret not taking job x, not being calm enough to stay with strong women I've been with. Now I'm raedy to change all of that. I have been with an incredibly strong woman for almost three years now, and we live together. I've heard a lot of people say that they don't regret anything, and that this is the secret to life. From my perspective, the secret to life might be avoiding the decisions that cause regret from now on. Whether I can follow through is something that will be seen.

 

[Dave]

The intent to change is a huge first step, and can be the toughest. Forgiving yourself is arguably the only thing harder-- many people never get the hang of that one. I know that I'm still figuring it out.

This new determination to get clean and rejoin life is really heartening cb! From your recent posts it sounds like you're starting to wake up and remember how awesome you are, and are moving back toward expressing and growing that nature.

 

[captainballs]

It's mostly this fear I have of becoming old and irrelevant. i have sidestepped at least two opportunities to build an excellent career at an early age, and now I am paying for it. bad credit, unmanageable addiction, no health insurance, etc, etc. I just don't know if I have it in me to start over even one more time. I hate knowing that there are people my age who are at the peak, driving BMW's, having a good time, shopping for houses. It makes me incredibly jealous and full of regret.

 

[Dave]

Well, we've had this discussion, but BMW + House + stuff != happiness. It's just... stuff. But that's something that you'll learn eventually, I'm sure. Worry about stuff later, get clean(er), re-engaged in life, and back on your feet; then start thinking about what you really want and what makes you really happy.

It won't take you long to get to that point, I'm sure.

 

[captainballs]

i hope not. tired of being so obviously immature. it's painful.

 

[Dave]

Try focusing on what you're doing, rather than the end result. Take enjoyment from doing whatever you are doing (work, play, etc...) as well as you're able, and the results will come. Along with other benefits that you weren't looking for. Also, likely sooner than if you were focused solely on the prize.

 

[captainballs]

Yeah, I've got Wikipedia syndrome. I see the whole story as one big cause and effect, whereas chance and luck has a lot to do with how life turns out. No one has a road map, even though it may seem so when you know the ending already.

 

[Dave]

The world is a random place, and being able to either roll with the punches and/or see/take advantage of chance opportunities are both vital (and tough to acquire, much less master) skills.

As far as I've seen, the world is pretty deterministic. The twist, though, is that there are always a number of unseen variables at work that give the appearance of non-determinism. Plus, most situations are very sensitive to their starting conditions, and can easily be buffeted by (pseudo-) unrelated factors. Hence, even with similar starting points and even experience with someone else, your mileage will always vary.

Throw in the background noise of random occurrences-- of which our universe is rife, and which we sometimes strain to unite with an inaccurate framework-- and the world can seem a difficult place. Beautiful, challenging, rich and (surprisingly at times) comprehensible, but also difficult.

Pardon the ramble; it's past my bedtime. Hopefully this makes any sense...