in recent months ive come to realize exactly how cynical or negative i can be. ive always known that i didnt exactly have an overall positive outlook on things, but it only started to matter when i realized how it can impact my relationship with my boyfriend. ive been trying to adopt a more positive attitude not just because ilove my supportive boyfriend but because i'm tired of feeling tired. i met my boyfriend last year at a job i was just hired for. we've been dating since we met and i dont believe in depending on relationships for happiness, but there's no denying that our relationship helped turn things around for me. i was going through a lonely year in 2011.
my mom suffered a stroke when i was in grade 12 (2011) and the worst part is discovering that she didn't have a health card because apparently she overstayed her student visa in 1989 and for some reason she didn't bother applying for status. i was the only person who didnt know this and that was one hell of a shock for me because it explained why she never had a proper job despite having gone to university, and it explained why she had a stroke so young since she was never able to see the doctor. sometimes i still feel stupid for not having questioned or noticed it, like why she never had a proper job. prior to her stroke id been dealing with a lot of hostility living with her family, esp my grandma who always treated me like a scapegoat for their probs. this went on since i was only 10. ive held enough resentment to her family throughout my teenage years, especially after they decided to walk out her life when she had the stroke. but that resentment quickly faded as it grew towards my mom. i cant see her the same way anymore... i feel so betrayed and at the same time i hate seeing how she fucked up her life like this. there was honestly no reason for her to not apply for status, she had no criminal record or anything. she is now in a non profit care home for disabled people and that's pretty much her life now, while a lawyer helps her out with applying for status
i feel like everything id gone through with my family and my mom since i was 10 has a great influence on my negativity, or pessimism, or whatever you want to call it. i've always been an introvert and a deep thinker but i dont know if that's a result of my circumstances. in high school as i started to learn about society and the world, it felt more like i was unlearning everything i once knew. and it just sucks cus till this day i dont have the slightest clue who i am or what i should do in life. i feel like ive been in this prolonged existential crisis or something. it seemed like all my peers were excited about going to uni, getting a career, and all that. personally, i dont know if school is for me yet, but at the same time i really dont like minimum wage jobs. ive been working in customer service in food and it's just dreadful having to fake a smile, fake small talk, and job interviews can be degrading sometimes. sometimes i honestly just cant bring myself to be a sycophant. i dont know how so many people do it. work 40 hrs on min wage. i envy their motivation and how they suck it up. i get easily negative about work because when i look at the grand scheme of things i think, im doing all this bitch work for this many hrs, just to pay off rent and other expenses. as metric say "buy this car to drive to work, drive to work to pay for this car". even if i did make a little more $, i dont know how much more motivated id be to want to work.
so back to the first thing i mentioned in this post, my boyfriend, we met at my previous job and we mostly had the same shifts. for some reason it never really bothered us how much time we spend together, and us working there helped each other deal with work a lot easier. his family owns the restaurant and it's been doing rly bad so we've had to look for different jobs. the job i had with my bf was pretty alright, and it was pretty ideal given that our coworkers were relatable and our age. it sounds dumb but i will miss that and working with my bf. it was like any other job but because he was there, and i guess because we had cool coworkers, i was able to deal with it a whole lot better than i would with any other job. so now that i have to look for one, which is exhausting, and knowing that i wont be working with him, makes me a little anxious and almost frustrated.
how do i deal with life without being negative about stuff like work? i know most people have to deal with this shit too and i dont want to come off as ungrateful or anything, cus i know things could be worse. but sometimes, acknowledging that doesnt make me feel much better about life.
sorry if this post is long or maybe unorganized, kinda needed to vent
my mom suffered a stroke when i was in grade 12 (2011) and the worst part is discovering that she didn't have a health card because apparently she overstayed her student visa in 1989 and for some reason she didn't bother applying for status. i was the only person who didnt know this and that was one hell of a shock for me because it explained why she never had a proper job despite having gone to university, and it explained why she had a stroke so young since she was never able to see the doctor. sometimes i still feel stupid for not having questioned or noticed it, like why she never had a proper job. prior to her stroke id been dealing with a lot of hostility living with her family, esp my grandma who always treated me like a scapegoat for their probs. this went on since i was only 10. ive held enough resentment to her family throughout my teenage years, especially after they decided to walk out her life when she had the stroke. but that resentment quickly faded as it grew towards my mom. i cant see her the same way anymore... i feel so betrayed and at the same time i hate seeing how she fucked up her life like this. there was honestly no reason for her to not apply for status, she had no criminal record or anything. she is now in a non profit care home for disabled people and that's pretty much her life now, while a lawyer helps her out with applying for status
i feel like everything id gone through with my family and my mom since i was 10 has a great influence on my negativity, or pessimism, or whatever you want to call it. i've always been an introvert and a deep thinker but i dont know if that's a result of my circumstances. in high school as i started to learn about society and the world, it felt more like i was unlearning everything i once knew. and it just sucks cus till this day i dont have the slightest clue who i am or what i should do in life. i feel like ive been in this prolonged existential crisis or something. it seemed like all my peers were excited about going to uni, getting a career, and all that. personally, i dont know if school is for me yet, but at the same time i really dont like minimum wage jobs. ive been working in customer service in food and it's just dreadful having to fake a smile, fake small talk, and job interviews can be degrading sometimes. sometimes i honestly just cant bring myself to be a sycophant. i dont know how so many people do it. work 40 hrs on min wage. i envy their motivation and how they suck it up. i get easily negative about work because when i look at the grand scheme of things i think, im doing all this bitch work for this many hrs, just to pay off rent and other expenses. as metric say "buy this car to drive to work, drive to work to pay for this car". even if i did make a little more $, i dont know how much more motivated id be to want to work.
so back to the first thing i mentioned in this post, my boyfriend, we met at my previous job and we mostly had the same shifts. for some reason it never really bothered us how much time we spend together, and us working there helped each other deal with work a lot easier. his family owns the restaurant and it's been doing rly bad so we've had to look for different jobs. the job i had with my bf was pretty alright, and it was pretty ideal given that our coworkers were relatable and our age. it sounds dumb but i will miss that and working with my bf. it was like any other job but because he was there, and i guess because we had cool coworkers, i was able to deal with it a whole lot better than i would with any other job. so now that i have to look for one, which is exhausting, and knowing that i wont be working with him, makes me a little anxious and almost frustrated.
how do i deal with life without being negative about stuff like work? i know most people have to deal with this shit too and i dont want to come off as ungrateful or anything, cus i know things could be worse. but sometimes, acknowledging that doesnt make me feel much better about life.
sorry if this post is long or maybe unorganized, kinda needed to vent
