Recovery How not to fuck up my wife´s recovery from cocaine addiction

[skipjames]

Hellos,
long time no see , I hope you re all doing fine.
As you might remember my relationship with my wife was being destroyed almost to the point of no return by fucking cocaine. She was basically loosing it so I myself suggested her , along with her father ( that found my stash of opis last time he visited us so thought that she was on it as well) that was better for her to leave for a while. This was almost two months ago.
Obviously left alone and feeling somewhat abandoned and "wronged "I ve been up to any kind of blow and opis induced crazy shit, I was doing at least 4 grams of blow per day + oxys or at least codeine, until I started bleeding from my nostrils in the worst possible situations ( i.e.department reunions), basically all my friends were concerned about me, even the drug using ones, even the freaking dealers....

We were almost breaking up ( at least in my mind ) and at times I even thought it was the best thing for her to do, she hates this city , I m definitely not the person you want around if u wanna stop using drugs nor are the people I hang around with , she was flourishing at her father´s and I woul rather loose her than having her down here going insane again.
anyway, I love her, she loves me , she s coming back on the 8th of November, now the poblem is : how can I help her ( and to a lesses extent myself ) to be coke free? I ve already told my mates that from the 8th of November on this is a coke free apartment, I ve even told our family dealer to please never ever sold her anything and call me instead , I ve been coke free myself for the last two weeks as I was travelling for work & pleasure but obviously I just went back home today, I ve met my friends and snorted half a gram.
She s super focused on her recovery, she relly does not want to have this shite in her life anymore, I m cool with not using at home or around her , I m done with that " I can t meet my deadlines and write without blow " BS and coke is not even my primary DOC but I m afraid that when she´ll come back one day or another we ll get drunk , she ll say that she want a line and I ll be unable , unwilling or too fucking weak like I always am when it comes to drugs to say no, or that I ll come back home clearly high as a kite and trigger her, and the circus will start again.
What to do ? do they sell balls , temperance or willpower somewhere, as I clearly lack them ? Should I have a last ball up until the 8th of November or prepare psychologically and phisically to start a new chapter and if so how ?
Love u all, suggestions- good vibed-prayers all welcomed.

 

[Heroes Inc.]

Skip!! You can do this! Life isn’t fucking easy, and changing is hard AF. But so incredibly worth it.

1. Keep the drugs out of the house. Don’t even think about bringing them back. You MAY slip up one night out, but DO NOT exacerbate the problem by bringing that shit into the house. No excuses. Ever.

2. Pamper the shit out of her. Make love like it’s the last time you can.. listen to her. Laugh! Have fun.

Life is fucking fun when you are not constantly chasing the high, the normal, the I don’t want to feel shitty feeling.

I’m here for you. Shit man.. I would come down to Brazil in a hot second to visit y’all.

You got this!

 

[kreativsniks]

To be honest, your situation seems very tricky. Both of you like doing alcohol & cocaine; While reading your post I didn't get the impression that you want to really stop doing it; I'm not judging here at all. As I understand you have this habit somewhat under control (by not necessarily doing it every day, correct me if I got the wrong impression), but the stress is about the moment when wife comes home and you both start indulging.

Bottom line is this. If you yourself don't want to stop (at least for a while anyway), then I'd suggest you don't come home when you're obviously high (and it's evident by how you look/talk), so not to trigger the wife. But best would be to quit both drugs for at least a couple of weeks and see how you guys do.

But still, my gut feeling says this is not going to turn out well I'm sorry.

 

[skipjames]

To be honest, your situation seems very tricky. Both of you like doing alcohol & cocaine; While reading your post I didn't get the impression that you want to really stop doing it; I'm not judging here at all. As I understand you have this habit somewhat under control (by not necessarily doing it every day, correct me if I got the wrong impression), but the stress is about the moment when wife comes home and you both start indulging.

Bottom line is this. If you yourself don't want to stop (at least for a while anyway), then I'd suggest you don't come home when you're obviously high (and it's evident by how you look/talk), so not to trigger the wife. But best would be to quit both drugs for at least a couple of weeks and see how you guys do.

But still, my gut feeling says this is not going to turn out well I'm sorry.

Yeah mate, the ' good " thing is that my primary DOC are opioids, mostly codeine or oxys, and when I m on them I don t drink ( i don t even drink when I m on coke actually. Let s just hope for the best and prepare for the worst....

 

[kiely]

Hi. So. I was just reading this and. You have to start weening. Tapering.
Or just let it run it's course. Are you young. Because it will eventually catch up with you in a bad way.

So do you have a mortgage ? A car ? Do you even drive ? I am just saying eventually you are going to stop this behavior and repeating comfort. I mean hopefully it's just a phase you are both going through and you will both come to your senses and realize you are going to have to quit this destructive behavior.

You know that eventually you are going to have to stop this constant repetition of substance abuse and destruction.

I was talking with someone on here a while back that had quite an excessive habit as well. And as time waits for no one and turned into the grim future of wanting to quit but never being able to he finally couldn't hold out anymore and od'd in a motel room and passed away. After loosing his life, family, wife and home !!

He was so nice and chatted with us all on the forum and was so friendly. I never was able to say a thing. Or even able to say goodbye. But it will catch up with you and it's deadly and it will kill you. It could even happen by accident or a tolerance rest.
Be Careful.


I didn't think that it would happen. Or that it even would be possible, and then it happened so quick. RIP. cd.

I mean have fun with it while you can. And good blessings to you both. But you know that you are definitely flirting with disaster at this point.

Just Stop !! Or taper ween and stop. But Stop it already. Please. While you are still able and doing alright.

It just sounds so sad and familiar. But maybe you can change the outcome. And not have tragedy repeat.

So sorry. You are just destroying each other. You gotta stop. I wish reading this would make you stop.

 

[paltatomate]

@skipjames
so good to read that at least you are doing well, even though i understand your dilemma.

i go with @kreativsniks in that you don't seem to want to stop taking drugs, and that this can be difficult in the situation you describe.
would it be a problem if you restrained yourself just to opis? like, would your wife become triggered if she noticed you high on *them*? would she mind in any other way?
i guess you living with her at her dad's isn't an option, even for a short while until she gets a bit more stable. you guys would have already come up with that solution. but then you both have to consider what is more important right now: being together, or being sober.

because being apart from a person you have been together with for a while is a bit of a withdrawal, too. i don't say it will happen, but at some it *might* happen that just getting back into old routines all the old comes back, and it doesn't matter if *you* take any drugs or not.

you are a reasonable, intelligent person.
and i'm sure you will find your way.
still - please take care

 

[Nas47]

@skipjames ascolta me amico-la communita per tre-quatro messi minimum...in Brazilia- c'e- siguramente.non pagare niente.no se puede fumar.primo telefono dopo 15 giorni...tu sapere-dependienza del cocaina e in cervello,no in corpo...so tu moglie bisogno un periodo di isolazzione con altri donne in casa .Credo da vero-questo e di piu siguramente metodo....e bruto inferno un uomo con su moglie usare insieme droga....e molto dificile per tutti due e non e possibile vivere una vita asi.Ti voglio bene!

 

[skipjames]

So do you have a mortgage ? A car ? Do you even drive ? I am just saying eventually you are going to stop this behavior and repeating comfort. I mean hopefully it's just a phase you are both going through and you will both come to your senses and realize you are going to have to quit this destructive behavior.

Nope ( I m thinking about buying a house though, while driving never interested me really) and dunno of at almost 42 I qualify as young, maybe noyt or noyt so much, She s 30 though , she drives and she s more determined than me . I wanna definitely if not stop, really reduce the amount of blow I m using. To me , you have a drug problem if and when your use is putting in jeopardy some important part of your life-blow is wrecking my marriage, it s affecting my job, definitely is not good for my health, everyone "in the knowing ' is concerned about me, what else has to happen ??? Not even in my darkest days of heroin use I ve had so many issues with a substance, maybe cos I ve more money now than than, or I m having the mother of all Middle Life crisis, or because of the substance itself and the availability- but this shit has to stop. If i cannot, I ll definitely leave her alone

would it be a problem if you restrained yourself just to opis? like, would your wife become triggered if she noticed you high on *them*? would she mind in any other way?

She s always been cool with me using opis and she does not care about them at all. She only 'minds" when I m totally fucked up, obviously is not nice living with a zombie, but oxys are so expensive nowadays than I definitely have to stay content with drinking my lean and leave them for special occasions.

ascolta me amico-la communita per tre-quatro messi minimum...in Brazilia- c'e- siguramente.non pagare niente.no se puede fumar.primo telefono dopo 15 giorni...tu sapere-dependienza del cocaina e in cervello,no in corpo...so tu moglie bisogno un periodo di isolazzione con altri donne in casa .Credo da vero-questo e di piu siguramente metodo....e bruto inferno un uomo con su moglie usare insieme droga....e molto dificile per tutti due e non e possibile vivere una vita asi.Ti voglio bene!

Amico mio ! Lei é stata dai suoi , come se fosse stata in comunitá, e sta bene. Io pur volendo non posso andare in comunitá, devo lavorare ! e io sono dipendente anche dagli oppiacei , come faccio? Qui non sanno neanche cosa siano, hanno proibito anche il kratom ! L unica é farsi e farle forza, e "accontentarmi " dell oxy e della codeina . Just in case I m writing in Englsh as well : She s been at her parents as if she was in rehab, now she s cool. Even if I anted to I cannot go to rehab, I have to work, plus I m also addicted to opioids and they don t even know what they are and how to treat opi addiction here, they ve even banned kratom ! So I have to find some strenght nd stay content with codeine and oxys. Anche io ti voglio bene caro, e si, é una vita troppo di merda cosí!

 

[paltatomate]

She s always been cool with me using opis and she does not care about them at all.

So I have to find some strenght nd stay content with codeine and oxys.

but oxys are so expensive nowadays than I definitely have to stay content with drinking my lean and leave them for special occasions.

that should make things a little easier, then. so you can focus on her first, restraining from the coke while still having alcohol and opis for when you to unwind. later on, when she's more stable and the situations between you two is also, you can think about your own habits.

how are things going now?

 

[skipjames]

while still having alcohol

I ve basically stopped drinking- at most I get a Cuba Libre or a Mojito once in the club I play with my band to look "normal". I think is the only good choice I ve made in the last year. She s more into drinking and I hope it will fire up her sex drive rather than her cocaine cravings.
I honestly don t think I will ever give up any kind of opis for good. I ve taken breaks but I ve always found myself wondering " Why am I not using exactly? " and never managed to find a plausible answer.

How am I doing? As an increasingly not so functional as I thought I was daily user of cocaine and opis I m not doing THAT bad, but as you can imagine my life can be complicated.

Thanks God I consider my post grad students as junior colleagues and not as slaves as the rest of my esteemed fellow professors, hence I have a good relationship with pretty much all of them, especially with one which is something between a mate, a little brother and my writing partner ( incidentally, one of the best if not THE best students of ours.) This PhD student ( whch is one of the ones "in the knowing " and also sometimes "in the using ") told me of the recent nd widespread rumors about me , my manic enthusiasm my nostrils and my increasingly eccentric behaviour.

As I ve made some minor fuck up at work too, I ve took the occasion to write an email to my boss, talking about the tragic story of a man in love with a cronically depressed woman who had left him alone with their cats in order to get proper treatment ( my better half really has been depressed since forever so it s more an half truth than a lie).
So sorry boss if I was acting strange but I m just a concerned partner left sad and alone in a foreign land, and not...whatever some evil envious viper is saying I am. It seems to have worked, even if does not explain the fct that my nose was beeding during a deartent meeting.

I ve started playing with some people that re not into coke, which helps , even if they are not judgementl about it. I m also being judged harshly by some people I was friend with ( down here coke is frowned upon almost like heroin in Europe) but honestly, fuck them, I don t want judgementl people in my life anyway. The people that really cre about me are all concened though, which is not cool.

 

[paltatomate]

@skipjames

puh, good thing your boss went along with your story (which he might or might not have believed). half truths and omissions are always better than outright lies.

and good thing you found some people you can hang out with and who know, but accept you as you are. this is a great help, i guess. it won't make you feel alone if things with your get a bit harder or frustrating. which i hope won't, but recovery is a long and bumpy road for most.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Thanks God I consider my post grad students as junior colleagues and not as slaves as the rest of my esteemed fellow professors, hence I have a good relationship with pretty much all of them, especially with one which is something between a mate, a little brother and my writing partner ( incidentally, one of the best if not THE best students of ours.) This PhD student ( whch is one of the ones "in the knowing " and also sometimes "in the using ") told me of the recent nd widespread rumors about me , my manic enthusiasm my nostrils and my increasingly eccentric behaviour.

As I ve made some minor fuck up at work too, I ve took the occasion to write an email to my boss, talking about the tragic story of a man in love with a cronically depressed woman who had left him alone with their cats in order to get proper treatment ( my better half really has been depressed since forever so it s more an half truth than a lie).
So sorry boss if I was acting strange but I m just a concerned partner left sad and alone in a foreign land, and not...whatever some evil envious viper is saying I am. It seems to have worked, even if does not explain the fct that my nose was beeding during a deartent meeting.

That reminds me of my experience on mid school/ grade.
It was there i learned some valuable things, from teachers like you.
They went beyond state prgram, told the truth mentioning it was not Diploma stuff.

But in their eyes necessary knowledge. My con-rector after we were wrongly accused.
Punished to clean the Schoolyard.
We went in discussion about this conflict and he said:

" Ok i believe you, you are innocent. it was wrongly mistaken.
But cleaning the backyard, is a graceful task.
We will do it together, and we did.
We and our Con-rector [sort of the vice president in school].
We left after finishing, but that memory/ lesson stuck"

A life lesson you seldom encounter, and imprinted for life. Good teacher s rule.
Hope more teachers do like him, and you. It works, i am living proof.

edit: getting a bit off topic, ime it was easy to just stop Coke.
Then again i hate it, can t stand it like Methylphenidate, but YMMV.

So any advise on that basickly only you can judge.
Replace it wth MPH/ stop it/ occasional use.
If you mention needing it daily it almost sounds as treating ADHD.

When i did coke it was weekend warrior style.
And also had a loved one once ask me 'choose, either me or drugs'.
Honestly i said, drugs are so luring promising i won t touch em would be a lie.

So drugs, she accepted it though. But looking back regretted it also, accepting it.
Maybe hoping it pass, and it also triggered her to start.

Hard situation, be wise and smart you d think, you love her.
Doesn t always work out that way although i never did dumb shit.
She would just have been better of with a sober version of me.

 

[paltatomate]

she s coming back on the 8th of November,

how is it going so far?
i really wish the two of you the best, that you can solve your problems and be happy together.

 

[kiely]

Sounds like you are working through this. I bet you can.
It seems like you both want to and absolutely can. Stay determined and keep doing well.
Always stay happy forever too.
But, yeah good luck. You're doing well.
You have a goal so keep going. Stay strong.