How many addicts out here hate themselves due to being an addict

[jsinger]

I've hated myself for years. Used(and ABUSED) drugs for a decade now, ravaging my health and my social image. After a lot of personal work, reading and tripping...I've come to realize how stupid I have been:
Life is a fucking blessing, I'm not a bad looking person but yeah I'm a narcissist and got a ton of insecurities, I've been bullied in school(I have bullied too xd), got my traumas like everyone else, etc. But fuck itttttt
My body is a Temple and I should take care of it some more, I'm a unique person and I'm still working on learning to love myself some more.
Yall lovable human beings with both virtues and defects. I send a big hug to the OP and everyone in this thread. The only advice I could give u is: take life with humour, do everything with passion and love madly.
Bbai xoxo

Great advice and I’d say have presence of mind in recognizing and appreciating the good times while in the moment bc it truly helps the lows.

 

[jsinger]

More than addiction per se I m starting to hate my weakness. When I was doing opioids there was really no choice, it was either do them or feel sick (and however I managed to be functional in a way or another, even stop at times not for external reasons but because I wanted to etc) . On the contrary with coke, the substance I m dealing with atm, I m increasingly wondering wtf am I doing? why? Why so much? why at work , with all the risks involved ? why almost everyday, which is not even satisfying ? It s not smack nor oxys, I could and should take days off, I keep making elaborating plans and strategies to avoid doing c. at least during week days then BAM, I m texting my dealer(s) , and the day really begins when I do my first line. Fucked up....

I experienced the whys and it was just before an impressive clean stretch.
I was also going through a very painful break up and the misery from that relationship i felt the last year. The initial hope and 100 percent confidence id feel the first 2 weeks of a clean life then suddenly a craving which literally changes my thoughts to such a degree that risks become less frequently thought about as the craving thoughts become more convincing. First craving thoughts generally met with a strong negative consequence and I can shut it down. Next thoughts which cause craving the answering opposing thoughts are more trivial and either due to the fact I now know that it is in fact worth it and i hope I remain consistent because if it makes me miserable with dementia or become an asshole i don’t like would suck

 

[skipjames]

Never take Zoloft or other antidepressants bc literally ends it and the once a month you do feel it it’s dull as fuck

Amen to that. My main issue with opioid w-d is not the physical part (kratom +loperamide and benzos do the trick) but the neverending post acute w-d depression. Hence I usually take the cocaine route, not the ideal way of dealing with these feelings but way better than be drugged up by some psychiatrist doing trial and error with my already battered brain.

I’d hate to have to hide it from anyone that I know and I am friends with non addicts and im honestly doing my best to educate mother fuckers that addicts are more times then not good people and ive met cool ones in Louisiana, Ohio and Florida. Theres plenty of dipshits too and no different than the other side.

Same here, I hide my drug use only when it is strictly necessary (mostly from my mom when I go back home once in a year, from my colleagues and my boss) but is a non issue as the majority of my mates either do drugs or are smart enough to understand that drug users are not demonic creatures. Actually the more judgemental ones are the coke heads back in Italy, convinced that smack is for losers while the pseudo coke they take is not even a drug...at most in many cases is not even coke 5-10% coke the rest is speed or some other cut), but is still making big holes in their tiny brains anyway

I was also going through a very painful break up and the misery from that relationship i felt the last year

I seriously think that heroin in some twisted way saved my life in my 20´s, especially before I moved to the UK. I was going thru a lot of sentimental-existential-mental-shite that without the comfort of that drug I would have probably killed myself or fallen into insanity. Oxys helped me a lot during the pandemic as well. But now I have a job I like, a woman I love, some money in the bank, I have proved my point of "junkies can be achievers", I m also forty and not getting any younger, yes I like drugs, yes I like hanging around with like minded drug users, but..is it worth the risk? Thing is, sobriety is boring and drugs are great fun. So yeah, I m in this sort of junkie version of a midlife crisis I guess

 

[RiskyDangerous]

I’m having a hard time with something I have been trying to figure out since recognizing i was an addict and whats the cause of our desires to use and I have concluded it’s our fucked up degradation coming from our thoughts and so far as is my case we have deep seated fears of being loved by a romantic partner and fear dying alone. I couldnt even approach a female I was attracted to until 33 yrs of age.
My thoughts were verbatim shes gonna be disgusted at the very thought of you asking her on a date. This thought prevailed until onset of methamphetamine addiction. I was a heavy opiate abuser before meth and it helped numb my issue. I also feared people would think I was the biggest joke on earth if they knew i had no game. So I ran from this obsessive thinking of being so ugly and awkward that I’ll never get a girl and die a virgin. I did manage a sexual experience at 25 and was actually attractive and told i was multiple times but my sense of self was abhorrently low but I wouldn’t admit it to anyone nor myself. The feeling of being such a fuck up really fucking hurt and healthy coping mechanisms didnt work nor was I willing to admit to anyone how I truly was. Feared people would think I was gay which by the way made me very sympathetic towards them bc they obviously don’t have a choice and never has there been a human who would choose something so abnormal that majority of society cant comprehend and be shit on by the entirety of society for that choice. Two deep seated fears so far driving a desire to addiction fears of never falling in love due to a convincing voice in my head telling me im repulsive then an equally strong fear of exposure of my inability to find a gf. This was a heavily recurring issue as im lonely as hell and lots of attractive women out there some of whom gave me attention and I couldn’t produce one word. Then think all i had to do was so anything and gave myself a Chance and for18 years i made no progress. The heroin addiction had grown progressively problematic and somehow parents who lived a 1000 miles away found out and external guilt tripping began. I would discover later this life long recurring problem of heavy loneliness and self disgust from three different angles made me want death. I dont have any courage or heart bc i cant at 30 overcome a fear of rejection that should have been overcome at 16 or 17. Healthy minded individuals have this fear too but i am quite certain the rampant self loathing and it’s veracity is unique to addicts thus causing a very strong Wall of denial. Of course we deny it because believing the shit we think would make us suicide statistics. Not to mention the brain prefers to not sit in heavily uncomfortable spaces and another key component leading to severe addiction is that fear of our real selves being seen as the joke of the millennia. A great deal goes into our alter ego’s and being the cool dude or gal is of high importance to us. An ability to admit this maybe unique as lots of severe addicts i know will not admit to any insecurities which is common with healthy people too but there not running in shame. It took me ten years of heavy drug abuse to admit I even had a low self worth. Was sick n tired of consequences from using which when I began methamphetamine use I was sloppy and would be too high to work. I quit one job which was shitty anyway but up four days on my second run and experienced the grumpy rage and then my first iv use was right before starting a new job and having no idea how floored I was gonna be I didn’t stay but actually did try. In Ohio in middle of winter and no heat for majority of winter. I was way too horny to work and opted jerking off instead. Mom and dad are ob mmmm

I absolutely hated myself and what I hated most was a crac

My deep seated insecurities and fear of rejection and abandonment stem from insecure attachment to my primary caregiver (my mom) when I was a baby/toddlet. My parents split and my mom left and has lived far away and fairly seperate from us kids our whole lives. Curious if anything like that happened to you? I was a pretty sad kid and was raised in a strict christian home, wasn’t free to express myself and was lonely. I broke away at 16 and always have needed “something” to fill the void in me, the deep longing to be/feel better. Love, sex, alcohol, opioids, and finally at 40 years of age, I got over all those addictions because I found crack. Yeah, it made me feel better than I had ever felt before. Energetic, elated, horny, focused, yet could numb my thinking mind and dull the joylessness I felt. But, the addiction caused a world of hurt. My husband and I lost everything. Now trying to recover, I found a Buddhist recovery program (Refuge Recovery), and it’s helping me heal and self actualize. Addiction is a spiritual disease, and I have come to realize that deep longing has been my spirit calling out to me. Trying to tell me that all I have ever needed has been inside me all along. The joy, the power, the strength, the love, we are all that. It’s fucking hard though. Even though I know how to heal, I keep relapsing. My family hasn’t disowned me but it’s close. I keep hitting new bottoms. But even the lowest of my lows, I still know I’m worthy of love and compassion.

If no one has told you lately, you are loved, you matter and you are enough. Remember that.

 

[jsinger]

Amen to that. My main issue with opioid w-d is not the physical part (kratom +loperamide and benzos do the trick) but the neverending post acute w-d depression. Hence I usually take the cocaine route, not the ideal way of dealing with these feelings but way better than be drugged up by some psychiatrist doing trial and error with my already battered brain.

Same here, I hide my drug use only when it is strictly necessary (mostly from my mom when I go back home once in a year, from my colleagues and my boss) but is a non issue as the majority of my mates either do drugs or are smart enough to understand that drug users are not demonic creatures. Actually the more judgemental ones are the coke heads back in Italy, convinced that smack is for losers while the pseudo coke they take is not even a drug...at most in many cases is not even coke 5-10% coke the rest is speed or some other cut), but is still making big holes in their tiny brains anyway

I seriously think that heroin in some twisted way saved my life in my 20´s, especially before I moved to the UK. I was going thru a lot of sentimental-existential-mental-shite that without the comfort of that drug I would have probably killed myself or fallen into insanity. Oxys helped me a lot during the pandemic as well. But now I have a job I like, a woman I love, some money in the bank, I have proved my point of "junkies can be achievers", I m also forty and not getting any younger, yes I like drugs, yes I like hanging around with like minded drug users, but..is it worth the risk? Thing is, sobriety is boring and drugs are great fun. So yeah, I m in this sort of junkie version of a midlife crisis I guess

My parents have known about my using for a good while and the reason I’m in Florida however they don’t associate with me when I’m active. My mom mother once said I had to b a year clean to talk to her. My dad who is a life long alcoholic used to get ahold of me just promoting fuckihg Salvation Army Rehab. They are both judgemental and I find most drunks think they are better and hate tweakers
Was just seeing this chick who is an addict and drinks daily and on aderal was in my ear all the time on stopping meth cuz it’s so unhealthy and she witnessed my problems with the gas bubble issues and peeing and blamed meth for it. Shes right about it and these issues and that fucked up ass kidney stone. That mother fucker gave me ptsd fr
My articulation and inability to complete thoughts does bother me too especially when talking to her or the girl who fellow tweaker but she’s still young in the addiction. Always say huh or just look at me. Both girls said they can’t understand me when I’m talking about whatever it is.
All i can think is if im around somebody who is saying words but nothing else qualifies it to b a conversation im gonna escape and stay away.
News watchers or people who read and haven’t a clue what this life is cast judgement too bc the information giving are
Worse case scenarios and the shit in print say tweakers are all violent and can’t be reasoned with after the drug no longer gets you high ive seen altercations between tweakers but way more violence coming from the bar then meth dens. We cant be trusted and bullet points of bullshit mostly
The govt don’t give a fuck about anything unhealthy for the population unless it’s drug abuse then it’s a health crises. Recon i oughts to google the whys of addiction too coke opiates meth benzos are deadly and so bad make it illegal. It really burns my fucking ass like nothing else before

 

[jsinger]

I experienced the whys and it was just before an impressive clean stretch.
I was also going through a very painful break up and the misery from that relationship i felt the last year. The initial hope and 100 percent confidence id feel the first 2 weeks of a clean life then suddenly a craving which literally changes my thoughts to such a degree that risks become less frequently thought about as the craving thoughts become more convincing. First craving thoughts generally met with a strong negative consequence and I can shut it down. Next thoughts which cause craving the answering opposing thoughts are more trivial and either due to the fact I now know that it is in fact worth it and i hope I remain consistent because if it makes me miserable with dementia or become an asshole i don’t like would suck

Forgot the reason I replied is the never ending acute wd and life is boring bc active addiction requires socializing bc of it being black market. Socializing is paramount to happiness and i definitely see it. When you’re in any strong emotion that’s overwhelming conversing makes it tolerable. It’s my hobbie and yeah it’s making discovery of other hobbies hard also you are becoming more proficient in adaptation to a sub cultural lifestyle thats goddamn fucking illegal too nothing else replaces it. In my head way more and I like my job tweaking and l feel like a loser in the no addiction community. Criminal? Fucking been engaged my whole life and my crimes have destroyed everyone around me.
I trust nothing i read now bc I used to think experts new there shit. Experts is meant to give the reader confidence for the opinionated bullshit rarely factual evidence and propaganda is actually what you read. Now that junky yo no may say something different but his hole existing is getting and using but some twat studied the life we live and thus smarter and he calls us untrustworthy he’d no hes an expert. I cant stand it anymore and at the point of soons one stereotype comes up im gonna tell the pricky godddamn mother fucker bout himself. Fucking makes this life shitty. The addicts stealing your shit and unreliable whatever will still be a doosh
Leave addicts alone

 

[jsinger]

My deep seated insecurities and fear of rejection and abandonment stem from insecure attachment to my primary caregiver (my mom) when I was a baby/toddlet. My parents split and my mom left and has lived far away and fairly seperate from us kids our whole lives. Curious if anything like that happened to you? I was a pretty sad kid and was raised in a strict christian home, wasn’t free to express myself and was lonely. I broke away at 16 and always have needed “something” to fill the void in me, the deep longing to be/feel better. Love, sex, alcohol, opioids, and finally at 40 years of age, I got over all those addictions because I found crack. Yeah, it made me feel better than I had ever felt before. Energetic, elated, horny, focused, yet could numb my thinking mind and dull the joylessness I felt. But, the addiction caused a world of hurt. My husband and I lost everything. Now trying to recover, I found a Buddhist recovery program (Refuge Recovery), and it’s helping me heal and self actualize. Addiction is a spiritual disease, and I have come to realize that deep longing has been my spirit calling out to me. Trying to tell me that all I have ever needed has been inside me all along. The joy, the power, the strength, the love, we are all that. It’s fucking hard though. Even though I know how to heal, I keep relapsing. My family hasn’t disowned me but it’s close. I keep hitting new bottoms. But even the lowest of my lows, I still know I’m worthy of love and compassion.

If no one has told you lately, you are loved, you matter and you are enough. Remember that.

Childhood trauma was when trying to be good 6 weeks and my dad is a drunk and has anger issues. He had a very successful career in the navy causing several moves in child hood. Every 4 years and started moves across country occurred in k-1 grade in FL 2nd through half 5th in CA then rest of 5th till half of 9th in VA finely moved to Louisiana and dropped out figured i was gonna b a line cook and done with moves but was ground zero for Katrina and moved again to Rural Ohio where my using turned abusing and graduated to dependence on H in 09. Meth discovery in 13.
Serious emotional abuse and was constantly called a disrespectful fuck or belitted and every transgression had 3 or 4 times getting yelled at. Both my sister and i were fucked up with no self esteem or worth and we were both anti confrontational.
Honestly i think my childhood wasnt too fucked up although never privey to expensive clothes and shouting daily.
I romanticized addiction around 11 id say and I hated myself for that for years too
I more and more believe it’s more than a disorder due from response to trauma although it could be for those that have.
There’s something in me that wants to get high and presented itself long before dependence on any drug. No bullshit either. Its hereditary although not really to prevalent in my family and I’m the only actively addicted person in my family including cousins n shit. One uncle who got clean friom crack. I feel like I was born with an illegal mindset. Fuck i talk to much and basically only thing getting me stuck Fuck

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Why would I keep making this decision, knowing that it’s going to cause a crooked look from society possible jail time from my brain, and all in all being a slave to something specially on the black market is aggravated as fuck

Very simply, because you see a reward in it. That's the prime motivator for all of our actions.

Human beings are hard-wired to seek reward, and to repeat those behaviours that we have learned will provide it.
Then there's how the brain works. If you repeat a behaviour often enough, new neural connections form specifically to do with that action. Every repeat of said action further strengthens that neural pathway which in turn further serves to facilitate the behaviour. It then becomes self-reinforcing. We don't use the phrase 'force of habit' for nothing.

Also when you're looking at the situation rationally, as in 'why would I keep on doing this when I know full well it is leading to xyz consequences I'd rather avoid', it's easy to come to the conclusion there must be 'something wrong' with yourself. There isn't. Humans for the most part aren't rational creatures, desires aren't things that you sensibly decide on, and we're pre-disposed by nature to go for the short-term pleasure. What's more we're motivated TOWARDS pleasure more strongly than we are motivated AWAY FROM costs. That's why trying to scare oneself straight by constantly reciting a laundry list of all the negative consequences of one's use so rarely works.

 

[crazyhairman]

Meh, I guess I did back when I was going through the cycles. Now that I broke the cycle it doesn't bother me, yea I used to be addicted to a few things that totally took over my life. I'm not ashamed, it's just a chapter in my life that is over with.

I'm alive , is what it is.

 

[Dreamflyer]

Me, mainly because of all the pain that I've put my family through.

 

[Cdurules]

Very simply, because you see a reward in it. That's the prime motivator for all of our actions.

Human beings are hard-wired to seek reward, and to repeat those behaviours that we have learned will provide it.
Then there's how the brain works. If you repeat a behaviour often enough, new neural connections form specifically to do with that action. Every repeat of said action further strengthens that neural pathway which in turn further serves to facilitate the behaviour. It then becomes self-reinforcing. We don't use the phrase 'force of habit' for nothing.

Also when you're looking at the situation rationally, as in 'why would I keep on doing this when I know full well it is leading to xyz consequences I'd rather avoid', it's easy to come to the conclusion there must be 'something wrong' with yourself. There isn't. Humans for the most part aren't rational creatures, desires aren't things that you sensibly decide on, and we're pre-disposed by nature to go for the short-term pleasure. What's more we're motivated TOWARDS pleasure more strongly than we are motivated AWAY FROM costs. That's why trying to scare oneself straight by constantly reciting a laundry list of all the negative consequences of one's use so rarely works.

My counselor was saying the same- he kept asking me what I got out of using. I guess once we identify exactly what I’m getting we can try to replace how I get it yknow. Low body weight, excitement, two seconds of a physical rush, and something to look forward to. I could have other things to look forward to.. like maybe having the money to go on a vacation with my family, or not slathering my arms with concealer in the summer. But I just won’t make the call to stop again. I could not hate myself more. I’m losing my personality, I’m becoming really mean and totally disconnected from other humans. Ugh sorry to be a bummer. Do you have any advice?

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

My counselor was saying the same- he kept asking me what I got out of using.

He was taking the right approach then. Congratulations on finding a counsellor who doesn't spew unhelpful platitudes.

I guess once we identify exactly what I’m getting we can try to replace how I get it

You can't hope to change a behaviour unless you're aware of what's driving it.

But don't think in terms of 'replacement'. The way our minds conceptualise replacement is always as a second-rate, unsatisfactory substitution. You cannot define the course of your life by a negative.
What did the drug GIVE you that made you want it in the first place.

I could have other things to look forward to..

YEP.

In my case that was re-discovering long - abandoned passions (like photography which is now my livelihood), as well as finding totally new ones ; neither of which I had the energy or motivation for in my relentless hunt for dope.

like maybe having the money to go on a vacation with my family, or not slathering my arms with concealer in the summer.

You got me there. I feel called out. Xd

But I just won’t make the call to stop again.

OK, you have reasons for that. Not mindless 'causes' that somehow afflict you, but solid personal REASONS. Get to the bottom of them.

I could not hate myself more.

DON'T. Yes you may have acted like an arse to people whenever you were in that tunnel-vision mindset where nothing matters more than the next dose, but you can chastise yourself for individual actions in certain situations while giving yourself compassion for what might have brought you there.

I’m losing my personality, I’m arse becoming really mean and totally disconnected from other humans.

That can all result from not having enough of the drug, taking too much of the drug, and most of all undiagnosed mental health problems. (some of which may have organic causes, so it's always worth having for instance, your hypothalamus function checked before / while consulting a psychiatrist.)

PS what's your drug of choice -?

Do you have any advice?

None better than the above I'm afraid, because there's no simplistic one-size-fits-all answers to addiction.
Feel free to PM me though if you wish.

 

[crazyhairman]

Then do something about it.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Then do something about it.

Agree 100%.

It's just not always that easy man.

Yeah ultimately it's up to YOU to fix yourself and your life, and nobody else can do that for you.
I despise from the very depths of my heart the prevalent 'recovery doctrine' that teaches you nothing but helplessness and powerlessness in the face of your problems; selling you this idea that A) addiction is something outside of yourself that somehow 'gets' you and B) therefore you require ANOTHER thing outside of yourself to 'sort' you (be that a specific rehab program, a sponsor, naltrexone etc).

But addiction being a wholly internal mental process both in establishing it, and in freeing yourself from it, doesn't mean that it's as easy as 'just do'.
Often there are massive mental and / or circumstantial hurdles to doing so, and this needs to be acknowledged if we truly want to help each other.

 

[tussive]

I've hated myself for most of my life, though not so much these days, but never for being an addict.

It's just not something I feel shame over. I don't see any reason to.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Sure I hate myself

If theres something more to be hated its the system, dont believe the hype (dont drink the kool-aid ya fool!)

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

Trying to read the OP's posts makes me wanna start using Heroin again tbh.
FFS folks!!!!!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Turn your shame into pride!!
I find "junkie" to be a term of endearment at this point. lol
How is your habit "affecting your vital parts of your health" though? Opioids are a pretty benign class of drugs compared to things like alcohol or even some foods. Unless you're using street garbage cut with xylazine & other contaminants.

Get on a maintenance program if you can. You won't be able to get high all day long like you use to, but you'll still have an opioid to help you function & feel okay.
If you can use an opioid without killing yourself & continue on with your life, then who gives a shit what everyone else thinks.

We don't stigmatize people who take antidepressants or blood pressure medication (well maybe some people do lol) but it's honestly no different. We all have vices, addictions & gravitate towards things we enjoy. We as a society put more shame on drug users than we do on obese people or gambing addicts & I'm sure there's many, many more examples. It shouldn't be that way.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Turn your shame into pride!!
I find "junkie" to be a term of endearment at this point. lol

Like Yoda said "With knowledge comes great responsibility".

90% of people working dont know shit about the world and even less truths about drugs. I know Id rather be a junkie who hasnt sold his soul to system and knows the world we live in and has high morale + friends like a family, than your average sheep.

 

[jsinger]

I've hated myself for most of my life, though not so much these days, but never for being an addict.

It's just not something I feel shame over. I don't see any reason to.

I ask this question because the shame I feel which is far less than it used to be is engraved in me. I’ve had two conversations today one with my boss and the other with a long time friend and they both heavily focused on my drug use and how I need to stop. I can see my friends concern and no problem there but with my boss it was annoying as fuck and I couldnt resist not defending addicts when he was trying to imply that any other boss would have fired me upon discovering I’m a tweaker. I asked why? Do you fire alcoholics or gamblers and said most addicts i know including myself are some awesome workers that would benefit you by having them on your team. I do wanna stop soon for many reasons and it’s a real bitch however I’m doing better then most the people who tell me I need to quit and they all guarantee my life will be better. I was clean 3 years and my financial situation vastly improved but my mood was shit day in day out.
Been active over a year and my emotions are amplified so bad days are horrendous as good days are super duper fantastic. Thats right lol duper needs to come back to emphasize super. I had something else in mind when writing this post but I can’t remember what.
My threads and writing in general is big part of why i need to stop. I’ve never wrote at a college level but i can’t understand half the shit I’m trying to say and it’s difficult to articulate my thoughts and it’s the only time it’s valid to blame on meth. However it’s ridiculously bad and Maybe something eise at play. Who the fuck knows really