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How important is it being at the same stage in life w/ partner?

U

UnregisteredinLove

Guest
slr

My ex just got married a few months ago and it got me thinking. Shes talking about building a house out on the outskirts of town with him. Until then they are renovating the current one. Before that they were taking trips out to his vacation beachfront property.

Im a bloke who is living week-to-week. I dont have much money, I only work part time due to uni. My recreation only goes as far as the nearest pub.

My question is, looking at future potential mates, how important is it that both partners are at equal points in their careers/lives? My exs husband has all his shit together and now so does she, it makes me feel self-conscious about what I have to offer.
 
It's very important. This can be painful, because you might find the right person for you but be at different stages.

I'd say the possibilities are:

- Wrong person
- Right person, wrong time
- Right person, right time

That last combination typically leads to getting married and starting a family. You can have marriage and family with the other possibilities, too, but being married is hard enough when it's the right person at the right time, so the odds are really stacked against you if everything does not line up.

I wouldn't worry about what you have to offer. Just be true to yourself, and honest to others about who you are and where you are at in your own life.
 
It is definitely tough if you're in different parts of your life. But if she is going to be ready for a family, kids, etc. soon and you aren't ... yeah that can definitely cause problems. In this situation, it really depends how long she can wait for you to "grow up" (not in a negative way, just mature with your life).
 
it depends on the stage and the partner. i think in the case of your example, it's definitely true - a woman who's ready to settle down and start a family is going to want a man who's able to support her in that, both financially and emotionally. likewise, there's the case of one partner going to college while the other is still in high school. the discrepancy between lifestyle, freedom and priorities is very often too great for a relationship to withstand.

but on the other hand, i think there are plenty of times where people at different stages can have great relationships. my girlfriend is 5 years younger than me, and we met while i was in grad school (after several years in the work force) and she was a junior in college. there were definitely some times where we did things that were of more interest to one of us than the other (frat parties and dinner parties, respectively), but all that really did was teach us to enjoy things that were a little bit outside of our comfort zones. otherwise, we like a lot of the same things, have plenty to talk about, and generally enjoy the hell out of each others' company. likewise, i think there are probably some older/more mature women who are focused enough on their career to not mind a guy who's still a little young and reckless.

i guess what it comes down to is whether or not those differences are a plus or a minus for both partners. there are positives and negatives to every stage in life, and it really comes down to individuals' personalities and preferences.
 
It's incredibly important.

A few years ago, I was dating someone 10 years older than I am, and I actually posted a thread in SLR about it; I got lots of great advice. You make a good point though that it's not just about age, but stage in life and while those things are not always synonymous, they often are.

Dating this person, I wanted to out and drink, party, etc... and it was hard for him because he had already been through that stage of his life - 10 years ago. Every situation is unique, but I would absolutely 100% say that being in the same stage of life and on the same page about important things like kids, family, finances, goals, etc...will greatly increase your compatibility.
 
double ewe said:
it depends on the stage and the partner. i think in the case of your example, it's definitely true - a woman who's ready to settle down and start a family is going to want a man who's able to support her in that, both financially and emotionally. likewise, there's the case of one partner going to college while the other is still in high school. the discrepancy between lifestyle, freedom and priorities is very often too great for a relationship to withstand.

but on the other hand, i think there are plenty of times where people at different stages can have great relationships. my girlfriend is 5 years younger than me, and we met while i was in grad school (after several years in the work force) and she was a junior in college. there were definitely some times where we did things that were of more interest to one of us than the other (frat parties and dinner parties, respectively), but all that really did was teach us to enjoy things that were a little bit outside of our comfort zones. otherwise, we like a lot of the same things, have plenty to talk about, and generally enjoy the hell out of each others' company. likewise, i think there are probably some older/more mature women who are focused enough on their career to not mind a guy who's still a little young and reckless.

i guess what it comes down to is whether or not those differences are a plus or a minus for both partners. there are positives and negatives to every stage in life, and it really comes down to individuals' personalities and preferences.
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I agree.

I've dated men and women who were in different stages of life than I was and aside from the guy who did nothing except talk about his house, interior design of the inside of his house, and how much money he made and his job that he insisted that I should apply for and work at-which I did not do since we dated-it all went alright even though the other person or myself was in a different stage in life.
 
Life is not something that exists in quantified levels, defined statedness, or "stages" Its continuously variable. And in multiple directions.

What I mean by continuously variable vs "stages" is like the real number line integers, which are equally spaced on the R line ---1---2---3... but life is not an integer, is more like real number, like say, the sqrt of 2.

And by mutli directional, I mean it has planes, so picture the complex line 90 degrees to the R line to form the complex plane as sort of what I mean.

What I'm trying to say I don't think you can classify life into discreet stages that are shared by everyone and therefore could be "matched" with someone else.
 
I used to think it was a big deal, but then I dated someone that wasn't at the same "stage" as me in life and it was fine. As long as your interests don't clash, it usually don't cause a problem.
 
That sounds incredibly hard. I would go nuts watching the people around me. <3

You can not comPare yourself to others. When its your turn and you fall in love with the right person, it doesn't matter how different your lives are at the moment, you two will just fit together and make changes.

When you really are in love with someone it doesnt matter what stage in life each of you are in, it matters how much you to will compramise to stay together. :)
 
I'd say everyone comes into your life at the right time - even if it's just to teach you who's wrong for you, so you can learn what actually works for you to take forwards to the next.

When you love someone, you can fall in love with who they are, their energy; but realize that you're at different stages - this is OK.

Kayla -yeah it's definitely about compromise, at the same time as working out very quickly whether it's healthy for you to be "with" your lover when they're going through the stages you already passed (or whether it would be better for all concerned if you left them to that part of their journey without you - this takes strength).

Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't - you never know til you make a decision to see where it goes either way.

When you're attracted to someone, really truly attracted to someone, then you can pick up later where you left off, if you have something new to offer (which chances are you do)...so meeting someone at the "wrong time" isn't necessarily a bad thing - you can lay some good groundwork to come back to later, if you both let go of your ego; but if you're with the "wrong person", then it's pretty paramount to work that out as quickly as possible, and move on.

Rangrz - while I agree that life is multi-directional, I wouldn't agree with you on the lack of stages the collective mind goes through - not EVERYONE goes through the same stages - different development etc, but one can relate to what someone else is going through due to having gone through it oneself, and having seen other people go through the same thing.
 
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I have been in a relasionship for eight years and still going. We are at very different stages and 12 years apart.. With compramising every once in a while and loving someone i think it goes a long way. :)

I agree with a lot of the above responses.

It all really just comes down to how much you love someone and what you will do to keep them.
 
i personally think its moreso important to respect and value where your partner is currently at. acceptance is key. regardless of how much you do or dont understand one anothers motives.

forcing values and or position on the person you love only equates to resent, holding the other back and heartache where both parties are concerned.

weighing up the loss/value of your partner, against your goals shouldnt be something considered once the damage is done.

...kytnism...:|
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
I'd say everyone comes into your life at the right time - even if it's just to teach you who's wrong for you, so you can learn what actually works for you to take forwards to the next.

When you love someone, you can fall in love with who they are, their energy; but realize that you're at different stages - this is OK.

Kayla -yeah it's definitely about compromise, at the same time as working out very quickly whether it's healthy for you to be "with" your lover when they're going through the stages you already passed (or whether it would be better for all concerned if you left them to that part of their journey without you - this takes strength).
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I like all of this very much. "Letting go of your ego" and realizing it's not the right time- this is exactly how to describe what happens.
MOST of the time, we don't come back around and find that person in a later stage in our lives.. (Rarely it does happen).. but to accept that if it's True then that magical goddess Lakshmi will grin on you and make it happen.
 
kytnism said:
i personally think its moreso important to respect and value where your partner is currently at. acceptance is key. regardless of how much you do or dont understand one anothers motives.

forcing values and or position on the person you love only equates to resent, holding the other back and heartache where both parties are concerned.

weighing up the loss/value of your partner, against your goals shouldnt be something considered once the damage is done.

...kytnism...:|
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This is very true and I know the pain of going though this from both ends at different times in my life and with different people.

:\


:)

If this question revolves around the practicality of pair bonding, then yes some things must intermesh. All relationships have costs. In our capitalistic society that cost is pretty high, or so I seem to believe.
 
I think it's definitely possible, but it varies greatly depending on the situation. If someone's ready to settle down, buy a house, have kids, etc., and you're not, that'll be hugely problematic unless your partner has faith in the relationship and is willing to wait until you reach that point as well. Relationships involve compromises, and this scenario is no different.

My only minor experience in the matter was earlier this year when I went on a couple of dates with a guy 9 years older than me who owned a consulting firm. Now I'm pretty mature for my age, so we got along well and had great conversations. However I'm an undergrad, so it was kind of hard to talk about classes, roommate issues, friend dramas, and the like with a guy who owns a house and a successful business. 9 years isn't a big gap when you're 30, but it's huge when you're 21. So yeah, it didn't work out (although granted, he was also painfully narcissistic, so that may have had as much to do with it than anything...)
 
UnregisteredinLove said:
slr

My ex just got married a few months ago and it got me thinking. Shes talking about building a house out on the outskirts of town with him. Until then they are renovating the current one.
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First of all get the idea of material possessions being the soul of your life out of your head.
I used to hear stories like this all the time when I was younger thinking how lucky that person is or how much money they had in the bank to purchase these possessions.
But as I got older, I realized that life experiences outweigh life possessions by a longshot.

Basically long term love compatibility all comes down to "inside" or "outside" the box mentality.
Two minds that think alike makes everything all right.
 
It's helpful that you're at the same stage but not essential.

Your partner can help you with suggestions if they're patient enough to work out how to voice them so you actually listen, if they've experienced the same things in the past.
 
This actually got me thinking, I believe you have to be the same stage in a relationship for it to work. If one of you wants to get married and have kids and the other doesn't then it probably wont work. Thats why i decided to look for serious relationship once Im at the right stage in my life. If im living paycheck to to paycheck, and if I get married and have kids, thats just going to make things a lot harder.
 
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I am in a relationship we are 12 years apart and as the yers go on we are going further and further apart. We love each other but he just doesnt understand why i dont act more his age.....
 
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