How I'm currently overcoming The Dark Side

[dopaminedump]

This post is about how I've been working towards my own acceptance while overcoming serious depression and mild drug use to cover the pain. If this post only helps one person then I consider it a success.

I'm only 23 years old and a student at Texas state university. But I feel like I've lived a lifetime of emotion pain and neglect. I've been on and off medication with countless visits to counselors. I am a very angry individual that lost interest in life at a very young age. I won't go into details of why because this is not the point of the post.

I have found that the first step to happiness is, for me, not religion, searching for an outside answer, or blaming others for your suffering. It's about unconditionally loving and forgiving yourself for who you were and the willingness to move on with your life

I'm still recovering but this first step gave me hope for the first time ever in my life and I hope it can help anyone else.

 

[Northern LIGHTS]

reminds me of myself a bit. i was (and still am to a degree) a very angry, depressed, and confused person for several years. i have distanced myself from many close friends, dealt with several friends/family on the dark side or suicidal path, as well as dealing with my best childhood friend who got completely lost in the habit of addiction. chances are he will be dead within 5 years.

at the time i wouldnt have admitted it, but i coped with my problems by abusing the shit out of anything i could get my hands on. i got into bad relationships with family, hung out with people who werent really my friends, and fucked up my grades here at school (U Texas at Austin). i had an entire group of people who i tried to fit in with and devote a lot of time to be involved with tell me basically to fuck off, and i seem to have a recurring theme of people doubting me and just trying to exclude me from life itself. things still are up and down, as i now am dropping out of school after a fucking TA gave me a zero on an essay test for "plagiarism," which is 25% of my grade. i feel cheated, and feel like i did everything the way i was supposed to. when i asked if there was anything i could do, they basically told me to fuck off in a kind, sugar coated way. grades are already bad enough, so its either leave or get kicked out... feels like my decisions have wasted 2 of the most valuable years of my life, as well as over 100 grand of money i could have used for other things if i knew this was going to happen. amazing how one stuck up prick can fuck up an entire persons path toward recovery, as i have been pissed off and back toward the depression ever since this one day (last Friday). 6 months clean and on the path toward recovery, and it once again feels like its me against the world.

as for the recovery so far, after a waking up experience due to irresponsibility with mixing drugs, i dealt with many problems coming clean. for me i needed the reassurance that i was ok, and needed the forgiveness of those closest to me that already knew of my behaviors (parents, close friends, etc.). im afraid to tell some other family members and sometimes i see very kind people on the street and it saddens me to know that they would completely disprove of me if they knew the shithead i was. kinda sucks knowing that the once happy, excited kid high on life is now almost gone, completely turned into a shadow of his former self.

its a small world, as i am living just a 30 minute drive away in ATX.

 

[herbavore]

We just recently lost a very loved person here in TDS (and throughout Bluelight). His name was Michael and he had this to say about self-forgiveness in a thread he started on the same subject:

i have been mostly sober for about 3 years now. one of the obstacles in my life since then is an inability to forgive myself for the things that i did before that, and it has really kept myself from acheiving the things that i could have otherwise.
Well as of today i say fuck that. i forgive myself for what i did in the past. i forgive myself for being a drunk. i forgive myself for being a user. from this day forward, it's about what i do NOW. it's no longer about the past.

Forgiving yourself opens you to the world and opens the world to you. It is a truly powerful act. OP, I am so glad that you are finding your way in that journey and that you shared it here with everyone.

@northern Lights: take some time to heal. Practice staying in the present and not projecting fear out into your future nor laying a filter of judgement over your past. You still have that kid inside you. What you were doing wasn't working at the time. Doesn't mean it won't work in the future (I'm referring to returning to school). Hang in there.