I want to preface this with my substance use
Started smoking weed around 2013 and drinking alcohol.
2016-2017 heavy alprazolam use causing amnesia for basically my entire time of use. I was dealing with a parent passing away. It didn’t help that I had thousands of these at my disposal.
2018 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder never did I attempt to get it treated.
2019 - 2022 I would say these were the good years, I was finically stable was quite social and had a blast during these years I’ve experimented with ketamine and only used cocaine when offered. Didn’t much enjoy ketamine so I would rarely buy it but sometimes my source for my bulk weed would throw it in for free.
2023 my first experience with mdma and I truly fell in love with it.
2024 my mdma use started to concern me so I stopped which led to brain zaps for about a month and half. Had a great time with some psydelics but unfortunately led me to source for cocaine since I think I love that feeling of mdma but wanted to take a year long break for fear of losing the magic. From this point on once I started to buy cocaine it went really bad in few months. In may of that year I ended up finically messed up and what I would classify as a in the moment suicide attempt only really had hesitation marks on my neck and blacked out from a Codeine and alcohol mix luckily was found before it got serious.
At this point I ended up moving in with my older brother so he can better watch me but retrospect it was a bad choice I only really gave him more stress and at the same time I only stopped my coke usage for about a month after my attempt. It came to an inflection point when he had to kick me out due to not helping with the rent
2025 basically seeing how fucked I was I started to plan a more proper attempt while still using cocaine roughly at a pace of 2-3g a week. Then came march time for me to move out but I never planned to move out. Instead I posted my note to instagram and got a box cutter and really cut through my neck and hit my jugular vein I lost over 2 liters of blood before a friend had already called for a wellness check that saved my life. I was lucky that I hadn’t damaged my voice box or and major facial nerves but I do now have quite a scar.
I went two months without relapsing but sadly in may I relapsed after finding a wonderful room for rent this leads to now which I’m most likely going to be evicted by end of July now I wouldn’t say that I’m not suicidal but I’m not actively trying or planning.
I’m just so fucking disappointed with myself that I messed up this opportunity I had wonderful plans that I wanted to execute back in April but shit I relapsed and those plans went out the window. I’m currently three weeks clean from cocaine and I’m just so fucking upset that I let this happen again I dunno what I’m going to do I still have a job and I’m forever grateful for my coworkers and managers for being so understanding and not firing my ass albeit they don’t know about my substance use although I’m pretty knowledgeable at my workplace. I had stopped selling weed by the end of 2023 after being robbed of a large load basically bankrupting me.
I just wanted to vent but at the same time paint how delicate it can be when using substances.
From this point on I’ll be sticking with psychedelic/mdma but since my last serious attempt I have also been prescribed Trazodone which actually was really helpful and effective march-April if it wasn’t for that relapse I truly believe that I would be a lot better off today.
For the mods I’m sorry I’m not sure if this is the correct sub forum for this thread if it isn’t please delete it.
Thank you for reading my thread and I truly do appreciate any criticism and your time spent reading this dreadful post.
Started smoking weed around 2013 and drinking alcohol.
2016-2017 heavy alprazolam use causing amnesia for basically my entire time of use. I was dealing with a parent passing away. It didn’t help that I had thousands of these at my disposal.
2018 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder never did I attempt to get it treated.
2019 - 2022 I would say these were the good years, I was finically stable was quite social and had a blast during these years I’ve experimented with ketamine and only used cocaine when offered. Didn’t much enjoy ketamine so I would rarely buy it but sometimes my source for my bulk weed would throw it in for free.
2023 my first experience with mdma and I truly fell in love with it.
2024 my mdma use started to concern me so I stopped which led to brain zaps for about a month and half. Had a great time with some psydelics but unfortunately led me to source for cocaine since I think I love that feeling of mdma but wanted to take a year long break for fear of losing the magic. From this point on once I started to buy cocaine it went really bad in few months. In may of that year I ended up finically messed up and what I would classify as a in the moment suicide attempt only really had hesitation marks on my neck and blacked out from a Codeine and alcohol mix luckily was found before it got serious.
At this point I ended up moving in with my older brother so he can better watch me but retrospect it was a bad choice I only really gave him more stress and at the same time I only stopped my coke usage for about a month after my attempt. It came to an inflection point when he had to kick me out due to not helping with the rent
2025 basically seeing how fucked I was I started to plan a more proper attempt while still using cocaine roughly at a pace of 2-3g a week. Then came march time for me to move out but I never planned to move out. Instead I posted my note to instagram and got a box cutter and really cut through my neck and hit my jugular vein I lost over 2 liters of blood before a friend had already called for a wellness check that saved my life. I was lucky that I hadn’t damaged my voice box or and major facial nerves but I do now have quite a scar.
I went two months without relapsing but sadly in may I relapsed after finding a wonderful room for rent this leads to now which I’m most likely going to be evicted by end of July now I wouldn’t say that I’m not suicidal but I’m not actively trying or planning.
I’m just so fucking disappointed with myself that I messed up this opportunity I had wonderful plans that I wanted to execute back in April but shit I relapsed and those plans went out the window. I’m currently three weeks clean from cocaine and I’m just so fucking upset that I let this happen again I dunno what I’m going to do I still have a job and I’m forever grateful for my coworkers and managers for being so understanding and not firing my ass albeit they don’t know about my substance use although I’m pretty knowledgeable at my workplace. I had stopped selling weed by the end of 2023 after being robbed of a large load basically bankrupting me.
I just wanted to vent but at the same time paint how delicate it can be when using substances.
From this point on I’ll be sticking with psychedelic/mdma but since my last serious attempt I have also been prescribed Trazodone which actually was really helpful and effective march-April if it wasn’t for that relapse I truly believe that I would be a lot better off today.
For the mods I’m sorry I’m not sure if this is the correct sub forum for this thread if it isn’t please delete it.
Thank you for reading my thread and I truly do appreciate any criticism and your time spent reading this dreadful post.
