SensiblyReckless
Bluelighter
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning. I don't live life, I just exist. I'm abusing whatever drugs I can get my hands on just to escape from reality. When I don't have any drugs I mostly spend my time crying, punching walls or cutting myself.
Things weren't always like this.
My depression started when I was about 14 due to my brother getting raped. He is younger than me (he was 11 at the time). He totally flew off the fucking rails behaviour wise and nobody knew why because he didn't tell anyone about the rape until he was 16. He started hanging around with older kids around 15 and they would feed him speed, pills, lighter gas, all sorts of shit. And there was me, 14 years old getting in fights with these people for giving my 11 year old brother drugs. Then me and my brother started fighting because it was a constant battle to stop him using drugs and hanging round with these cunts.
His behaviour just got worse and worse as he hit his teenage years. He became violence, abusive. It got so bad he hit my mum one night and locked himself in the bedroom with a knife. The police had to tear gas him to restrain him.
At this point my mum had a full mental breakdown and attempted suicide. I was feeling suicidal myself by this point as my family had completely fallen apart. I moved out and was housed in a B&B at the age of 16.
Living in this B&B was lots of other people my age who were homeless like myself. I was very introverted, depressed and socially awkward, but I was forced to interact with these people as we were all under the same roof. They introduced themselves and invited me to take ecstasy with them. I figured fuck it, what have I got to lose, and I swallowed one......
Then the magic happened. I was no longer shy or introverted, I felt an overwhelming sense of empathy, love, joy... and I socialised with such ease. It was FUCKING AMAZING. All my worries and cares were forgotten, it truly felt like magic.
I ended up dropping pills with these kids on a regular basis. My social life was great. Girls were fighting over me, I shit you not! Lots of sex was had, lots of fun, just pure amazing. Ecstasy changed my personality and I was able to socialise and have fun without dropped E.
BUT, stimulant drugs soon became an obsession after lots of use and along came the speed. It was cheap, I had a dealer who was a total phet monster so she was awake at all times and I could get speed any time I wanted. She would do me it on "tick".... I became addicted. I never ate, I would get money and think "fuck it, I'll get more speed and I won't need to eat anyway". This is when the drugs turned ugly. I binged for weeks at a time. I looked like a fucking skeleton.
Inevitably, I got hooked up with dealers and the wrong crowd. Shit hit the fan when I owed money I couldn't pay back. I ran away to a different town and continued my addiction.
Fast forward 10 years and they found me. Almost killed me. Ransacked my flat. Stole everything of any value.... And back to B&B land I go.
Kicked the speed habit and got another flat, a job, and things were looking up.
Fast forward a bit more. Then I discovered the RC scene and REALLY fucked up with benzos. Ended up in severe withdrawal. My personality changed again with benzo addiction and I became a cunt. I admit it. I was a cunt. I lost all my friends and fell out with family. Lost my job. Lost my home AGAIN.
A long flubromazepam taper later, here I am, lying to myself about my benzo use, although I do have control of my use, I still use them, therefore, it's a lie. But I am in control. I have a home again.
So now I'm alone in this flat, no friends, don't even know anyone round this area. Depressed as fuck. Abusing RCs as a form of escapism. It's not even recreational. It's purely escapism from the loneliness and depression.
So there you go, drugs can and DO have a dark side.
Peace x
Things weren't always like this.
My depression started when I was about 14 due to my brother getting raped. He is younger than me (he was 11 at the time). He totally flew off the fucking rails behaviour wise and nobody knew why because he didn't tell anyone about the rape until he was 16. He started hanging around with older kids around 15 and they would feed him speed, pills, lighter gas, all sorts of shit. And there was me, 14 years old getting in fights with these people for giving my 11 year old brother drugs. Then me and my brother started fighting because it was a constant battle to stop him using drugs and hanging round with these cunts.
His behaviour just got worse and worse as he hit his teenage years. He became violence, abusive. It got so bad he hit my mum one night and locked himself in the bedroom with a knife. The police had to tear gas him to restrain him.
At this point my mum had a full mental breakdown and attempted suicide. I was feeling suicidal myself by this point as my family had completely fallen apart. I moved out and was housed in a B&B at the age of 16.
Living in this B&B was lots of other people my age who were homeless like myself. I was very introverted, depressed and socially awkward, but I was forced to interact with these people as we were all under the same roof. They introduced themselves and invited me to take ecstasy with them. I figured fuck it, what have I got to lose, and I swallowed one......
Then the magic happened. I was no longer shy or introverted, I felt an overwhelming sense of empathy, love, joy... and I socialised with such ease. It was FUCKING AMAZING. All my worries and cares were forgotten, it truly felt like magic.
I ended up dropping pills with these kids on a regular basis. My social life was great. Girls were fighting over me, I shit you not! Lots of sex was had, lots of fun, just pure amazing. Ecstasy changed my personality and I was able to socialise and have fun without dropped E.
BUT, stimulant drugs soon became an obsession after lots of use and along came the speed. It was cheap, I had a dealer who was a total phet monster so she was awake at all times and I could get speed any time I wanted. She would do me it on "tick".... I became addicted. I never ate, I would get money and think "fuck it, I'll get more speed and I won't need to eat anyway". This is when the drugs turned ugly. I binged for weeks at a time. I looked like a fucking skeleton.
Inevitably, I got hooked up with dealers and the wrong crowd. Shit hit the fan when I owed money I couldn't pay back. I ran away to a different town and continued my addiction.
Fast forward 10 years and they found me. Almost killed me. Ransacked my flat. Stole everything of any value.... And back to B&B land I go.
Kicked the speed habit and got another flat, a job, and things were looking up.
Fast forward a bit more. Then I discovered the RC scene and REALLY fucked up with benzos. Ended up in severe withdrawal. My personality changed again with benzo addiction and I became a cunt. I admit it. I was a cunt. I lost all my friends and fell out with family. Lost my job. Lost my home AGAIN.
A long flubromazepam taper later, here I am, lying to myself about my benzo use, although I do have control of my use, I still use them, therefore, it's a lie. But I am in control. I have a home again.
So now I'm alone in this flat, no friends, don't even know anyone round this area. Depressed as fuck. Abusing RCs as a form of escapism. It's not even recreational. It's purely escapism from the loneliness and depression.
So there you go, drugs can and DO have a dark side.
Peace x
