New
Bluelight Crew
Hi. I'm sure plenty of you recognize my username. A far greater amount of you don't. That's cool. Let me ballpark something with all of you.
When I was 15 I began abusing amphetamines. I eventually abused a shit-ton more, but that's besides the point. In my teen years I abused a lot of amphetamines. When I was 19, on vacation in South Carolina, I took about 3 grams of amphetamines over the course of a week, and something happened to my perception of reality. To explain exactly what would take far more space than this post and far more time than I'm willing to spend typing. For reference's sake, it had to do with the mystical concept of 'the veil of perception' being 'lifted' and 'seeing what was not meant to be seen'. Synchronicity was dialed up to eleven, and I thought things were things that they were very clearly not. For all intents and purposes, my mind had not simply snapped, the glass window had shattered into sand. I rarely think about the experience. I started thinking about it recently, and I am terrified of touching back down into that mental territory. While I was there, everything made sense, all of my thoughts were borne of purpose and fueled by shooting-star euphoria - even my abject terror curled my toes with pleasure. Nothing was what it seemed, so it seemed that everything was as it was meant to be. Until I was given the dose of zyprexa in the psych ward that brought me to my senses in the South Carolinian psych ward. Everything was back to normal, I guess.
Except it's not. I know something terrible happened in my head to destroy my perspective of objective reality, and I've felt...off for a very long time now. Sometimes I can suppress it, sometimes I get lost in the lighter parts...but I can't really find a normal for me to accept. I feel like a ship with no anchor, drifting wherever the wind takes me. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off lost in that insane mindframe so that I wouldn't be responsible for myself, because right now I'm afraid to just let go and accept my thought processes without triple checking them in regular society because I don't know what damage would have been done or how it would express itself. I have this irrational fear or my mind just slipping back into that thought process because certain significant symbols and/or concepts from that week have imprinted themselves and I don't know whether to embrace them or cast them aside as triggers for schizophrenic behaviors. I'm utterly confused as how to interpret it, and I was wondering if any of you have had a similar experience with just ABSOLUTELY losing your shit.
When I was 15 I began abusing amphetamines. I eventually abused a shit-ton more, but that's besides the point. In my teen years I abused a lot of amphetamines. When I was 19, on vacation in South Carolina, I took about 3 grams of amphetamines over the course of a week, and something happened to my perception of reality. To explain exactly what would take far more space than this post and far more time than I'm willing to spend typing. For reference's sake, it had to do with the mystical concept of 'the veil of perception' being 'lifted' and 'seeing what was not meant to be seen'. Synchronicity was dialed up to eleven, and I thought things were things that they were very clearly not. For all intents and purposes, my mind had not simply snapped, the glass window had shattered into sand. I rarely think about the experience. I started thinking about it recently, and I am terrified of touching back down into that mental territory. While I was there, everything made sense, all of my thoughts were borne of purpose and fueled by shooting-star euphoria - even my abject terror curled my toes with pleasure. Nothing was what it seemed, so it seemed that everything was as it was meant to be. Until I was given the dose of zyprexa in the psych ward that brought me to my senses in the South Carolinian psych ward. Everything was back to normal, I guess.
Except it's not. I know something terrible happened in my head to destroy my perspective of objective reality, and I've felt...off for a very long time now. Sometimes I can suppress it, sometimes I get lost in the lighter parts...but I can't really find a normal for me to accept. I feel like a ship with no anchor, drifting wherever the wind takes me. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off lost in that insane mindframe so that I wouldn't be responsible for myself, because right now I'm afraid to just let go and accept my thought processes without triple checking them in regular society because I don't know what damage would have been done or how it would express itself. I have this irrational fear or my mind just slipping back into that thought process because certain significant symbols and/or concepts from that week have imprinted themselves and I don't know whether to embrace them or cast them aside as triggers for schizophrenic behaviors. I'm utterly confused as how to interpret it, and I was wondering if any of you have had a similar experience with just ABSOLUTELY losing your shit.
