• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

how do you help a family member or friend who won't go to rehab?

G

gitaroder

Greenlighter
Joined
May 28, 2017
Messages
6
my half-brother's had a v serious substance abuse disorder for over a decade... my siblings and I found out about it 3 years ago ... we keep pleading with him to go to rehab but he is VERY stubborn and thinks he has things "under control", though I've heard from mutual friends that his use is off the charts..... he continues to lie to himself and to us, and it's soul destroying seeing him wasting his life. he's seen some therapists (but I think was never 100% clean in therapy, so doubtful how beneficial those sessions were.) he seems to believe his use of drugs is "fine " but will never openly admit the havoc it has wreacked on his life, relationships, personality, & mental health... he was fired from his job and his friends cannot handle the lies or drugs anymore. I suffer from depression myself and it is hard to lead a balanced life and knowing how to help without losing the plot... I've been told to focus on myself and offer help when its needed (which is what I've the done the last 3 years...) but it's crushing to be standing on the sidelines and not being able to offer help to someone you love, knowing their addiction / they are a danger to themselves... he has had a number of situations people would consider "Rock bottom" but that hasn't compelled him to check into rehab yet...do any recovering addicts have tips on what you can do in such a situation for someone ? these days, I don't know how to broach the subject , he gets v. volatile and defensive whenever the subject is raised, it is v. hard to have an open, honest conversation about it.
 
Last edited:
Honestly there isn't much you can do. If your not giving him money or anything like that all you can do is wait until he decides it's a problem. Forcing him into rehab will just cause resentment on his part. It sucks but the advice you got to sit and wait until he's ready is correct
 
Exactly what cj says. Unfortunately in the mind of an addict it's either "not a problem", or "not a bad enough problem,I have it under control" there simply is no other option available. You (as the addict) have to decide when it's time to get clean and most drugs I've made contact with Are stronger than any words any human could possibly say to me. What I will say is this. I've overdosed on 3 different drugs and went right back to them, then randomly months later just woke up one day and decided to get clean. I've thought about rehab a few times but never actually went. Different people are built differently and rehab could be amazing for one person and do nothing for the next. Don't try to push for one set outcome just because it's considered the standard. Maybe your specific case is different and something else would be better. I personally feel Spending time and being there for them (yes, even when you know they are high as a kite and don't approve) is the best course of action. The reason I loved staying high was because I was (still am) just bored of life. Nothing interest me. Even though it may not seem like the best thing in the world just being there often is going to make them think about you when they are coming down and realize all the times that you've been there for them. One day it's just going to click that they can't go on like this forever and you'll be there ready to help in whatever way you can. Until that day all I can say is good luck because it's pretty fucking dark in my mind every day and I assume it's probably a common theme in addiction.
 
I also wanted to say that rehab isn't a magic solution even if he agrees to go. One year success rate is right around 5 Percent
 
What cj said, regrettably, is correct. Determinism takes over and literally like no amount of money or the illusion of will power will be able to deter a small amount of people from total self-annihilation with addiction. It can be really hard to watch. It's very dehumanizing and it's going to stick with you for a while. Keep telling them there's programs, there's medications, there's people who care and want to see him/her get better and to realize they have a healthy way out.

They might not accept help until it's too late.
 
Stop torturing yourself by involving yourself in his life. I was severely alcoholic and my ex wife and ex girlfriend reached their breaking points and threw me out of the house.
 
thank you all so much for your advice , it really means a lot. I've spoken to counsellors in the past, but I believe unless you've lived through something first hand, you can never really give the best advice to anyone else.

regarding what Wizardknight said:
"Even though it may not seem like the best thing in the world just being there often is going to make them think about you when they are coming down and realize all the times that you've been there for them. One day it's just going to click that they can't go on like this forever and you'll be there ready to help in whatever way you can."

I know there is a lot of pain for him to be doing this, so tend to reserve much of my anger and judgment and treat him with compassion... the most prevalent advice from counsellors was a "tough love" approach ... we don't give him any money, but I wouldn't say our approach so far has been "tough love" at all ... because he is already so isolated , I worry about cutting off his last link to any people. Has anyone ever had a impactful experience with interventions (when the situation is most dire)? At the moment I'm just hanging tight... Are there things that have helped, in your experience (while in the act of addiction) to help break away from it, even if momentarily? Or is there nothing to do but wait around for that moment of realisation (if & whenever it comes ) ?
 
At least Marla is trying to hit rock bottom. Some of us have to hit a low point to want to change in the first place.

Most of us accept our decrepitness and keep using until we are literally falling apart more than our former lives did. Some don’t survive overdoses. It’s very sad.

You will have to come to terms they might die from what they’re doing. It’s hard. I don’t know how to make any of this any easier than just being brutally honest.
 
gitaroder said:
Has anyone ever had a impactful experience with interventions (when the situation is most dire)?
Click to expand...

Just over 6 months ago my parents first made clear that they would stop subbing my bills, because they realised they were enabling me. At this point I became receptive to the idea of rehab because I knew it wouldn't take long for me to become homeless. I could easily spend 500 quid a day on crack and heroin but couldn't afford my bills (i once spent 2k in 2 days). I was umming and aaahing about it, the prospect of homelessness wasn't enough for me to be sure, even though my existence had been at the animal level for months.

Then they changed the locks to my house and didn't give me the key. Homelessness right now, with nothing but the clothes on my back, was enough.

I think its very important that they didn't force me to go to rehab. They forced my situation to become bad enough that I was able to take the decision myself to go to rehab. It is unlikely that you can change the locks to your relatives house.

I am still clean and starting to rebuild my life and am grateful that they took such decisive action, I was spiralling down super fast. So it can work, but overall I agree with what everyone else has posted, you can't force them. I think you are being humane to keep the door open for emotional support so they are not cut off, but if it sounds like things may be at the point where you need to draw a line and say 'I love you, but I can't help you, and this is harming me, please don't contact me unless you are serious about getting help.'

You may have local agencies offering free help to family members- my parents use ours (I'm in the UK too so I imagine its all the same). If you can't find it yourself, maybe consider going to a local OPEN NA meeting- open as closed are for addicts only, as people there can offer advice on your local services.
 
gitaroder said:
thank you all so much for your advice , it really means a lot. I've spoken to counsellors in the past, but I believe unless you've lived through something first hand, you can never really give the best advice to anyone else.

regarding what Wizardknight said:
"Even though it may not seem like the best thing in the world just being there often is going to make them think about you when they are coming down and realize all the times that you've been there for them. One day it's just going to click that they can't go on like this forever and you'll be there ready to help in whatever way you can."

I know there is a lot of pain for him to be doing this, so tend to reserve much of my anger and judgment and treat him with compassion... the most prevalent advice from counsellors was a "tough love" approach ... we don't give him any money, but I wouldn't say our approach so far has been "tough love" at all ... because he is already so isolated , I worry about cutting off his last link to any people. Has anyone ever had a impactful experience with interventions (when the situation is most dire)? At the moment I'm just hanging tight... Are there things that have helped, in your experience (while in the act of addiction) to help break away from it, even if momentarily? Or is there nothing to do but wait around for that moment of realisation (if & whenever it comes ) ?
Click to expand...

I think your taking the right approach. Tough love is very risky. If you don't have extreme leverage over the person they will likely just stop talking to you. It also greatly increases the likelihood of a poor outcome (death/prison). I would keep the lines of communication open in the hope he comes around to wanting help sooner or later. At the same time you can't let this control your life. Try to keep some distance while still being somewhat available. No perfect way to do that just use your judgement.
 
If they are a danger to themself or to another person they can be involuntarily hospitalized.
 
thanks everyone for your advice - taking all your comments onboard. I will probably try to find an open group as you suggested Chinup. thanks again for your help with this x
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top