Advice How do you decide whether to have children or not?

[Bicycle Tripper]

I'm terrible at making decisions in general but one that really has me stumped is deciding whether or not I want to have children.

A lot of people that I know with children don't seem to think of it as a decision, it just seems obvious to them that they will have children with their partner and that often it is the logical next step after marriage.

I feel like not knowing what I want here is going to increasingly become an issue in relationships, I'm a 27 year old male and I know that my girlfriend wants children one day (although we are a long way off it) but if I were to decide now that I definitely didn't want children, she would probably want to find someone that does and I would understand that.

Any Bluelighters out there that regret not having children? Are any of you glad you did (or didn't)? I would be interested in how you came to your decisions.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’m glad. Both kids were planned and both after about 5 years of being with the mothers. Also both planned when I was mentally and financially stable: though both changed both those conditions in time!

 

[Joey]

I might make that decision if a) I am with a woman again or maybe a man who wants to adopt and b) I / we are financially stable and sober enough and ready too.

I would probably avoid getting in a relationship with anyone with young kids actually due to my drug use alone. I’m nowhere near being ready for that. Had a scare when I was 21 with a girl when I didn’t pull out in time. “Luckily” she was just so drugged out she was missing her period for awhile and it wasnt the first time. I am now almost 30 heavier than ever and she died of an overdose in 2018 so imagine how that would’ve turned out..

 

[Zephyn]

My partner and I had an abortion at one point. Though obviously not only my decision, we probably could have made it work if circumstances had been different. It was also a very toxic relationship, so its probably for the best anyway, but getting close to 30 and wondering if that was my only chance to have had a kid.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I never wanted kids, they just kind of happened.

Now I know I was right in the first place...

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I never wanted kids, they just kind of happened.

Now I know I was right in the first place...

Do your children know this, or do they sense this or get this feeling from you at all?

Are you close to them, or estranged?

 

[JessFR]

A lot of people don't make a decision at all. They just end up having them.

I love kids and have thought about having them many times.

In some ways it's kind of ironic. You see, people familiar with my political beliefs will know that I don't believe in abortion. And there's been a few instances, particularly in my 20s,where I got freaked out thinking I was pregnant.

Fortunately I wasn't, but if I had been I'd have felt compelled to have them. And to me that wouldn't have been a decision. I don't believe in abortion so if I had gotten pregnant I'd have felt compelled to have the baby.

I'm now in my early 30s and am becoming increasingly worried that I'll never have a baby. I don't have a boyfriend right now or a stable life. It doesn't seem likely that I will any time soon.

And well, I don't have unlimited time to have kids if I want them.

Sometimes I wonder if in the long run I'll end up wishing I actually had gotten pregnant accidentally earlier on when I was with my long term serious boyfriend.

So yeah, one example of potentially having kids but not wanting too, and another of starting to want to but not being able to decide to do it.

Also while I do want kids. It's hard to look at the world and think it would be fair to have them. What kind of a world would they have to look forward too?

And then there's me. I'm a junkie. It's possible I'll have opioid problems and related problems my whole life. And I may well pass a propensity to that on to any children of mine. Which again makes me kinda wish I'd gotten pregnant on one of those occasions when I thought I might be. If I'd gotten pregnant unintentionally I'd have had the kids but not be wholey responsible for choosing to bring them into this world.


It's an interesting discussion. But in many ways it only feels loosely like it's actually a free choice.

The only time in my life when it feels like it might have at all been a choice was when I was with my commited long term boyfriend for much of my 20s. But even then it wouldn't be right for it to be entirely my decision.

If he didn't wanna be a father yet I couldn't rightly make him.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

A lot of people don't make a decision at all. They just end up having them.

I love kids and have thought about having them many times.

In some ways it's kind of ironic. You see, people familiar with my political beliefs will know that I don't believe in abortion. And there's been a few instances, particularly in my 20s,where I got freaked out thinking I was pregnant.

Fortunately I wasn't, but if I had been I'd have felt compelled to have them. And to me that wouldn't have been a decision. I don't believe in abortion so if I had gotten pregnant I'd have felt compelled to have the baby.

I'm now in my early 30s and am becoming increasingly worried that I'll never have a baby. I don't have a boyfriend right now or a stable life. It doesn't seem likely that I will any time soon.

And well, I don't have unlimited time to have kids if I want them.

Sometimes I wonder if in the long run I'll end up wishing I actually had gotten pregnant accidentally earlier on when I was with my long term serious boyfriend.

So yeah, one example of potentially having kids but not wanting too, and another of starting to want to but not being able to decide to do it.

Also while I do want kids. It's hard to look at the world and think it would be fair to have them. What kind of a world would they have to look forward too?

And then there's me. I'm a junkie. It's possible I'll have opioid problems and related problems my whole life. And I may well pass a propensity to that on to any children of mine. Which again makes me kinda wish I'd gotten pregnant on one of those occasions when I thought I might be. If I'd gotten pregnant unintentionally I'd have had the kids but not be wholey responsible for choosing to bring them into this world.


It's an interesting discussion. But in many ways it only feels loosely like it's actually a free choice.

The only time in my life when it feels like it might have at all been a choice was when I was with my commited long term boyfriend for much of my 20s. But even then it wouldn't be right for it to be entirely my decision.

If he didn't wanna be a father yet I couldn't rightly make him.

How are you against abortion? In all cases, or do you mean the way some women and men use it instead of the any number of effective birth control methods?

I have no children. If I did have them with a woman I would want us both to want to be parents, or in our child/children's lives, be mentally stable, be able to afford a child or children, and we have stable lives/homes even if we are not necessarily married-I do not believe in marriage for myself personally, if other adults want to marry it is fine.

 

[JessFR]

How are you against abortion? In all cases, or do you mean the way some women and men use it instead of the any number of effective birth control methods?

I have no children. If I did have them with a woman I would want us both to want to be parents, or in our child/children's lives, be mentally stable, be able to afford a child or children, and we have stable lives/homes even if we are not necessarily married-I do not believe in marriage for myself personally, if other adults want to marry it is fine.

I don't wanna drag this discussion off topic. The short version is I'm morally against abortion in all cases other than risk to the mother's life. But while I'm morally against it I am generally unwilling to fight to stop people getting abortions. Instead I fight to increase the availability and use of contraception so people don't have unwanted pregnancies to start with.

That's as much as I'll say on this subject. I'm not prepared to get into why I believe what I believe at this place and time.

 

[Bicycle Tripper]

I never wanted kids, they just kind of happened.

Now I know I was right in the first place...

Do you mind me asking what makes you feel that way? I've spoken to parents that seem totally exasperated by their children but they still seem to find it worthwhile, although I can never understand why from the outside. Perhaps it's too much to admit if someone can't stand their kids?

I've heard a lot of people say that having kids feels like you are doing something really important and fulfilling. I suppose having offspring is sort of our evolutionary purpose so I can see that it must be hard wired into our brains in some way.

And well, I don't have unlimited time to have kids if I want them.

I definitely feel for women in this situation, I know it's not totally different for men that probably want to be in a relationship with someone of a similar age but we can always do a Mick Jagger and have a kid at 73...

I'm now in my early 30s and am becoming increasingly worried that I'll never have a baby. I don't have a boyfriend right now or a stable life. It doesn't seem likely that I will any time soon.

I think a big part of my anxiety around it is having regrets when I'm old, we only get one chance at all of this after all (at least I think so).

Thank you everyone for your insights.

 

[cduggles]

I think the question that people seldom ask themselves is “will I be a good parent?” If your own upbringing was traumatic, the answer is likely to be no unless you’ve done a lot to fix the damage. It’s more than just being financially stable, although that is a really good consideration.

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

i had a kid when i was intending on not having kids

sometimes it just happens and ya gotta take the bull by the horns and do your job

i probably would've regretted it tho so im glad it happened - but that's me - some ppl really shouldn't have kids

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

Do your children know this, or do they sense this or get this feeling from you at all?

Are you close to them, or estranged?

i think he was being a smart ass but that's nice of you to ask

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

Nice of you to make good decisions.

oh thanks

its nice to be nice

 

[December Flower]

I usually decide things with a coin toss.
Not because I will do what the coin tells me, but when the coin flies I know what I want.

Where would we go if everyone just said "where would we go", but nobody went to see where we would go, if we actually went?

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

I usually decide things with a coin toss.
Not because I will do what the coin tells me, but when the coin flies I know what I want.

Where would we go if everyone just said "where would we go", but nobody went to see where we would go, if we actually went?

Profound and my hat to you for the most wonderful post of the evening.. Thank you

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Do your children know this, or do they sense this or get this feeling from you at all?

Are you close to them, or estranged?

It was more said in jest mate. It's true I didn't used to want kids, but now I've got them I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[bongdong]

@Bicycle Tripper Well, I don't have and won't have children. My genes are not worth passing on, so in that sense it was/is not really an 'open' decision, more like 'finding out'. I just can't justify (or live with myself) creating life and pushing it into this sort of situation/dilemma, ..the state of the rest of the world aside.

I recommend reading Better Never to Have Been - The harm of coming into existence (David Benatar)

A lot of people don't make a decision at all. They just end up having them.

That's pretty much my observation too.

If I'd gotten pregnant unintentionally I'd have had the kids but not be wholey responsible for choosing to bring them into this world.

That's some "interesting" logic, or perhaps a way to abandon responsibility?

I think the question that people seldom ask themselves is “will I be a good parent?” If your own upbringing was traumatic, the answer is likely to be no unless you’ve done a lot to fix the damage. It’s more than just being financially stable, although that is a really good consideration.

Although nobody really knows, I think it's an important/very relevant question to ask, one can certainly have an educated estimation for. Again, and I don't want to unnecessarily step on anybody's toes, I do not have the impression that people ask this at all, they appear to think little of potential children and their well-being, but mostly of themselves having them.

Anyway.

 

[negrogesic]

A lot of people don't make a decision at all. They just end up having them.

I love kids and have thought about having them many times.

In some ways it's kind of ironic. You see, people familiar with my political beliefs will know that I don't believe in abortion. And there's been a few instances, particularly in my 20s,where I got freaked out thinking I was pregnant.

Fortunately I wasn't, but if I had been I'd have felt compelled to have them. And to me that wouldn't have been a decision. I don't believe in abortion so if I had gotten pregnant I'd have felt compelled to have the baby.

I'm now in my early 30s and am becoming increasingly worried that I'll never have a baby. I don't have a boyfriend right now or a stable life. It doesn't seem likely that I will any time soon.

And well, I don't have unlimited time to have kids if I want them.

Sometimes I wonder if in the long run I'll end up wishing I actually had gotten pregnant accidentally earlier on when I was with my long term serious boyfriend.

So yeah, one example of potentially having kids but not wanting too, and another of starting to want to but not being able to decide to do it.

Also while I do want kids. It's hard to look at the world and think it would be fair to have them. What kind of a world would they have to look forward too?

And then there's me. I'm a junkie. It's possible I'll have opioid problems and related problems my whole life. And I may well pass a propensity to that on to any children of mine. Which again makes me kinda wish I'd gotten pregnant on one of those occasions when I thought I might be. If I'd gotten pregnant unintentionally I'd have had the kids but not be wholey responsible for choosing to bring them into this world.


It's an interesting discussion. But in many ways it only feels loosely like it's actually a free choice.

The only time in my life when it feels like it might have at all been a choice was when I was with my commited long term boyfriend for much of my 20s. But even then it wouldn't be right for it to be entirely my decision.

If he didn't wanna be a father yet I couldn't rightly make him.

I'd father you a child jess, if you want. They'd sure to be brilliant, but unavoidably troubled.

I love kids. I'm great with them too. I have a strong fatherly instinct and always have. I'm rough and tough but a loving and nurturing person by nature. I was born to be a father in some regards.

But my greater concern these days is: how wise is it to bring a human into existence given the state of things? Most specifically, environmental conditions, but also geopolitical. How rosy will things look in the year 2080? I am not optimistic unfortunately. Food, water and energy scarcity could make this place pretty hostile by then.

 

[JessFR]

That's some "interesting" logic, or perhaps a way to abandon responsibility?

Haha. Yeah you're probably right. :D

Iunno, it's just tempting to fall in to a trap of seeing lots of shitty parents who have kids and sort of think "surely I'd at least have done better than them, why must I apply such a higher standard to myself than that seemingly applied to others by themselves".

But it's just a fantasy. A passing thought born of more base emotions.