Help! How do you deal with intrusive, ego-dystonic thoughts?

washingtonbound

Bluelighter
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Aug 19, 2013
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I'm 29, and in the last year or so, it seems that my mental health has been deteriorating rapidly. From 19-28 I suffered from many drug induced psychotic episodes that landed me in the psych hospital several times. Luckily I haven't had an episode in over a year and a half. But the unfortunate thing is that other issues I've had my whole life to some extent are rearing their head in a horrible way. Basically, my thoughts revolt me, are ego dystonic and attack my identity. Often they revolve around me being a bad person somehow and they force me into mental rituals that only make it worse. However they are not rational at all and that's what disturbs me about it, since I pride myself in being a rational person when not in a psychotic state. I have looked into CBT and other methods about detaching from your thoughts, allowing them to be, and just practicing acceptance. But they come with this disgusting feeling that force me into the mental rituals like a knee jerk reaction. I'm pretty sure I have purely obsessional OCD even though it hasn't been formally diagnosed. Anyway, at the moment I feel rather hopeless. I've spent two years of my life in treatment facilities outside of psych hospitals (dual diagnostic programs), and they have not helped me for shit. Therapists often regurgitate the same things over and over again and are not especially insightful.

In the last year, I've gotten to the point where self harm is uncontrollable. When the thoughts/feeling arise, I often scratch myself and hit myself. I have done this everyday for the past two months or so. I just got back on lamictal and it hasn't really helped. I'm feeling desperate and hope that someone who has dealt with this can give me some encouragement/advice on how to deal with this. I'm also a month free of nicotine, so perhaps am still dealing with psychological withdrawal symptoms.
 
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Sorry to hear that. I've experienced some abuse that made me reflect retrospectively on what I hope would have been improved behavior. What I mean is that I wish to have had a more perfect experience I can be proud of in whole. However I think the entire actual previous experience was negative and harmful and it's still upsetting and confusing to imagine ingratiating the experience into something rational and acceptable. (In regards to ego dystonic experiences as well)
 
Psychologists don't make their money from curing people they make you think that you are dependent on them and people like yourself; will go to them for years and not get any better, and that means money for them.

I have had fairly mild OCD on and off; I don't care to get into the symptoms I have had. However the intrusive thoughts and other issues usually come when there was a great deal of stress in my life.

I had used smokeless tobacco for15 years give or take and there seems to be more nicotine in that and when I quit there was nothing weird that happened and the same with on and off smoking. I currently do smoke lightly, and stopping that was miserable also but after a week or so I was fine.

The one thing that has worked for me with intrusive thoughts is trying to ignore them and thinking of something else. Yes I know that is easier said than done.

I know how painful and embarrassing OCD can be and somehow I just ignored various things that would set me off. Then something else would pop into my head and I would ignore that and at some point things of that nature would stop. Kind of a mental tug of war and then these episodes would pass.

My question is are you able to function as a normal adult or has it gotten to the point of agoraphobia or where you can't maintain normal relationships( I mean dealing with people in a normal matter, friends, romantic relationships, ect)?
 
Psychologists don't make their money from curing people they make you think that you are dependent on them and people like yourself; will go to them for years and not get any better, and that means money for them.

I have had fairly mild OCD on and off; I don't care to get into the symptoms I have had. However the intrusive thoughts and other issues usually come when there was a great deal of stress in my life.

I had used smokeless tobacco for15 years give or take and there seems to be more nicotine in that and when I quit there was nothing weird that happened and the same with on and off smoking. I currently do smoke lightly, and stopping that was miserable also but after a week or so I was fine.

The one thing that has worked for me with intrusive thoughts is trying to ignore them and thinking of something else. Yes I know that is easier said than done.

I know how painful and embarrassing OCD can be and somehow I just ignored various things that would set me off. Then something else would pop into my head and I would ignore that and at some point things of that nature would stop. Kind of a mental tug of war and then these episodes would pass.

My question is are you able to function as a normal adult or has it gotten to the point of agoraphobia or where you can't maintain normal relationships( I mean dealing with people in a normal matter, friends, romantic relationships, ect)?
Unfortunately I don’t really function too well at the moment. I get hung up on stupid concepts in my mind, it makes no sense and that’s what pisses me off about it, the thoughts are not rational at all. They tend to revolve around me having committed some kind of offense, it’s hard to explain. Despite not having done anything whatsoever. When I was younger the thoughts were more predictable, and are getting stranger and stranger. For example, I’m an atheist, and several years ago a thought would come in like “you are a Muslim” or “you are a jehovas witness.” Then I would mentally repeat things like “no I’m not, I hate that shit,” etc. My latest issue has been feeling like I’m obligated to sympathize with people who I don’t respect. Doesn’t sound like a big deal but it causes a lot of distress. Other intrusive thoughts I had when I was younger was that someday I would kill someone, or kill myself, which are more typical OCD type thoughts.

Often times I can’t deal with people when they are too loud. Not really a phobia, but I get really bothered by the talking. I hate peoples politics as well and get really irritated and disgusted by it. A lot of rage built up I would say. Don’t like people much at all, although I wouldn’t consider myself a malicious person necessarily.
 
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

The past few months I've been having intrusive thoughts while riding in a car at high speeds. I feel this desire to open the door while it's traveling. It terrifies me and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to hear about your self-harm being uncontrollable. I'm a cutter. It's weird how pain works, how paper cuts hurt more than deeper cuts that leave scars. Sometimes I think of my scars as tattoos. They're mine, I put them there myself, and I'm not even remotely ashamed about them. It's been about a year since I had an incident where I ended up in the hospital after cutting my throat and hand/arm with a cooking knife. I had to have hand surgery, partly because I severed a tendon. I also severed one of my jugular veins (I missed my carotid artery). I regret that I forced emergency services to have to intervene, and the hospital workers had to stitch me up because I'm a dumbass. Sometimes I wish I had cut my carotid artery. Mostly I don't.

I feel for you, and I hope things get better for you. I hate that you're going through this.
 
ok, remember that your brain has to level out its kind of a rollercoaster and its hard but if you realize this during a time of bad thoughts, understand the thoughts arent yours, theyre just passing through. also, dont get offended or closed minded ok, but i might suggest asking Jesus for help when the thoughts happen. The bible says that our hearts are deceitful above all, and our thoughts arent ours. the good thoughts are actually apparently God. im very new to all of this info but its very helpful soemtimes. sorry if thats not what youre into but you know, sometimes its worth trying new things here and there

best of luck

btw i relate. i have horrible compulsive issues and many other issues alongside those, which include intrusive thoughts and TWO jukeboxes playing music all the time9two different songs playing together at once, yea) SIMULTANIOUSLY with the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. so i am right here with you believe me.
 
Unfortunately I don’t really function too well at the moment. I get hung up on stupid concepts in my mind, it makes no sense and that’s what pisses me off about it, the thoughts are not rational at all. They tend to revolve around me having committed some kind of offense, it’s hard to explain. Despite not having done anything whatsoever. When I was younger the thoughts were more predictable, and are getting stranger and stranger. For example, I’m an atheist, and several years ago a thought would come in like “you are a Muslim” or “you are a jehovas witness.” Then I would mentally repeat things like “no I’m not, I hate that shit,” etc. My latest issue has been feeling like I’m obligated to sympathize with people who I don’t respect. Doesn’t sound like a big deal but it causes a lot of distress. Other intrusive thoughts I had when I was younger was that someday I would kill someone, or kill myself, which are more typical OCD type thoughts.

Often times I can’t deal with people when they are too loud. Not really a phobia, but I get really bothered by the talking. I hate peoples politics as well and get really irritated and disgusted by it. A lot of rage built up I would say. Don’t like people much at all, although I wouldn’t consider myself a malicious person necessarily.
omg im feeling the same, always worried that im gonna kill myself one day. thought i was alone on that. im sorry for all this tyoure going through! shits awful
 
I'm 29, and in the last year or so, it seems that my mental health has been deteriorating rapidly. From 19-28 I suffered from many drug induced psychotic episodes that landed me in the psych hospital several times. Luckily I haven't had an episode in over a year and a half. But the unfortunate thing is that other issues I've had my whole life to some extent are rearing their head in a horrible way. Basically, my thoughts revolt me, are ego dystonic and attack my identity. Often they revolve around me being a bad person somehow and they force me into mental rituals that only make it worse. However they are not rational at all and that's what disturbs me about it, since I pride myself in being a rational person when not in a psychotic state. I have looked into CBT and other methods about detaching from your thoughts, allowing them to be, and just practicing acceptance. But they come with this disgusting feeling that force me into the mental rituals like a knee jerk reaction. I'm pretty sure I have purely obsessional OCD even though it hasn't been formally diagnosed. Anyway, at the moment I feel rather hopeless. I've spent two years of my life in treatment facilities outside of psych hospitals (dual diagnostic programs), and they have not helped me for shit. Therapists often regurgitate the same things over and over again and are not especially insightful.

In the last year, I've gotten to the point where self harm is uncontrollable. When the thoughts/feeling arise, I often scratch myself and hit myself. I have done this everyday for the past two months or so. I just got back on lamictal and it hasn't really helped. I'm feeling desperate and hope that someone who has dealt with this can give me some encouragement/advice on how to deal with this. I'm also a month free of nicotine, so perhaps am still dealing with psychological withdrawal symptoms.
Hello, thank you very much for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you are doing your best to adapt and manage the situation, and I appreciate that you are proactive in seeking information and exploring potential treatment options for your well-being.

I can relate to experiencing similar ego-dystonic thoughts or ideations. Growing up, I also struggled with negative self-perception and a tendency to seek criticism, and past experiences with chemical-induced psychosis have added to my understanding of these challenges. It's a process of learning and self-discovery, as it can be easier to accept certain stories we tell ourselves.

Recently, after stopping a substance, I noticed the emergence of new intrusive thoughts and ideations that I hadn’t encountered before. At first, it felt like mental dialogues, as these thoughts challenged my sense of identity and caused me to question myself further. There were times I found myself internalizing and rearranging these narratives out of fear, which was quite overwhelming. Experiencing such internal struggles can be very isolating and may lead to further uncertainty and distress.

I have also been exploring different methods to cope with these difficult feelings and to work toward healing. Many people recommend meditation, which can be helpful, even though it’s something we’ve found challenging. I understand that resisting or fighting these attacks can be exhausting and may intensify feelings of paranoia or fear, especially when they target subconscious aspects of ourselves. It can sometimes feel like an ongoing challenge against one’s very sense of self.

Please forgive the length of my message; your post has given me valuable insight, and I am eager to learn more about your experience. I also understand self-harm used as a way to cope with painful thoughts or feelings, and I recognize how contributing to that cycle can become a support mechanism, albeit a harmful one.

Thank you again for sharing, and I look forward to hearing about your progress.
 
Like yourself I've suffered from quite a few drug induced psychotic breaks and they're really scary. I also used to stand on the platform on the London Underground or on the pavement next to very fast moving traffic and wondered "just one step forward in front of a train I know isn't stopping at the station I'm waiting on, or to step in front of a fast moving lorry." It was almost like an urge. And I really believe that others have the very same feelings you're describing here, more people than will admit to it. Cos admitting it would make you seem weird, right? I don't think so. As has already been said psychosis, of any kind doesn't take a few weeks to get over as each time it happens I believe it just reinforces the messages your brain is sending you.

A little bit like a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think you're an extremely self aware person who rather than just ignore what's going on in your head actually listens and then tries to make some sense of it all. Sometimes you just have to accept that there is no answer and absolutely no sense in some thoughts. Like you I find some people extremely intrusive and I have a right to feel that way. Why should I let some annoying bastard(in my opinion) live tent free in my head. It's taken decades to take full possession of my true inner self, my authentic self.

And like you I always felt different, like I didn't fit in with anyone or any where. I was always afraid they'd see what was really going on inside of me and even though at one time people really didn't like me, I took on that role as that's what I was always told. I was useless, a failure and a waste of space. I always found myself comparing myself to everyone who I thought was so much nicer than I was. And eventually it was easier to just fulfill the beliefs of other people regardless of what I knew deep down was inside of me.

I knew that there was a light side and a dark side to my personality, but that was mostly dictated by the drugs I was using at the time. I also believed what others saw in me if it were bad as it gave me the perfect excuse to use whatever I wanted to use and of course my excuse was that I couldn't help myself. And at times I could be fuckin' terrible and go and say the most awful things. My behaviour, at times, was even worse. But if that's what others expected then they were going to get it, both barrels. Now they really had something to complain about.

Personally I think your main problem is over thinking stuff and being really authentic about who and what you're thinking and feeling. But I can promise you if you believe it will get worse then guess what, it will. Try to cut yourself some slack and just remember with self awareness comes not just more infight into the way others operate but who do we compare these in aware people? That's right, the only guage we have, that's ourselves.

You know no one says you have to be perfect, there's no law universal or otherwise that says every price of the puzzle that is our life, has to fit perfectly all of the time. No it doesn't as that would be boring. Not living merely existing. That's no way to live your life.

I absolutely adore havbong the self awareness I've gained through life experiences, my stint in rehab and my willingness to take on the tough thoughts and feelings when they occurred.

I think if you truly knew what others were thinking and feeling you'd be extremely surprised to find a lot of people lacking in confidence, self esteem, feeling very scared that others can see right through them. They just do a better job of lying to firstly themselves, others and eventually, just like you think you're somehow an oddball who doesn't fit, they are just able to convince others that they do. But really they don't have your strength and the courage to own just who and what you are. I just hope that something I've said has helped in some way. But even if it hasn't helped you too much you've helped me by allowing me to process and accept that side of myself that I'm not afraid to face as a lot of others are.

I watch a lot of crime programmes on tv and I'm constantly amazed at how a lot of criminals fool everyone around them. And who you think they are bears no resemblance to the reality of their inner and outer persona. For example, he poster boy for the death penalty if ever there was one. Ted Bundy. Look at the two totally opposite sides to his personality. And it all started, apparently, due to the rejection of a girlfriend all of those years ago. But who could hear him, see him and watch how he behaved when he had to be a good man. He was perfect at it. That's why he was so successful as a murdering bastard. He was convincing.

So stop trying to convince yourself you're somehow flawed cos the way I check it whilst you're unique and as such that makes you a very special person. But you're also prepared to push through the negative thoughts and feelings to explore what's going on. So try not to see it in such a negative light, I know this is easy to day but not so easy when you're the one trying to follow the advice others like myself, and I speak for no one but myself, as I've gained so much from how others have related to what you've had to say. You, on your uniqueness are perfect just the way you are my darlin'. So as I said before, just ease up on yourself.
 
Hello, thank you very much for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you are doing your best to adapt and manage the situation, and I appreciate that you are proactive in seeking information and exploring potential treatment options for your well-being.

I can relate to experiencing similar ego-dystonic thoughts or ideations. Growing up, I also struggled with negative self-perception and a tendency to seek criticism, and past experiences with chemical-induced psychosis have added to my understanding of these challenges. It's a process of learning and self-discovery, as it can be easier to accept certain stories we tell ourselves.

Recently, after stopping a substance, I noticed the emergence of new intrusive thoughts and ideations that I hadn’t encountered before. At first, it felt like mental dialogues, as these thoughts challenged my sense of identity and caused me to question myself further. There were times I found myself internalizing and rearranging these narratives out of fear, which was quite overwhelming. Experiencing such internal struggles can be very isolating and may lead to further uncertainty and distress.

I have also been exploring different methods to cope with these difficult feelings and to work toward healing. Many people recommend meditation, which can be helpful, even though it’s something we’ve found challenging. I understand that resisting or fighting these attacks can be exhausting and may intensify feelings of paranoia or fear, especially when they target subconscious aspects of ourselves. It can sometimes feel like an ongoing challenge against one’s very sense of self.

Please forgive the length of my message; your post has given me valuable insight, and I am eager to learn more about your experience. I also understand self-harm used as a way to cope with painful thoughts or feelings, and I recognize how contributing to that cycle can become a support mechanism, albeit a harmful one.

Thank you again for sharing, and I look forward to hearing about your progress.
I wanted to highlight what you said about the thoughts "challenging your identity and causing you to question yourself further." That is really the crux of my issue. The thoughts are the opposite of me and my core values. But for some reason, being aware of this isn't enough to take the power away from the thoughts. My MBTI type is INTJ, and I think this doesn't help the constant rumination over the thoughts, because this kind of person is much more caught up in their thoughts than external reality. I also think that a decade of heavy drug use caught up to me and the brain is just not happy as the reward centers have been fried. Although I never had something like a daily meth habit, there were many binges over the years on various drugs that took weeks of recovery time, as well as many psychotic episodes as mentioned.

I turned 30 recently, and have started having a little bit of anxiety about aging, as time seems to pass so quickly now. This has made me more frantic about quelling the garbage thoughts before I get too old to do anything meaningful with my life.
 
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