How do you begin the process of getting help on your own?

[bitterbrains]

As background, I always drank to excess in college, can't believe I survived as well as I did, blacking out at least once a week, being carried home, waking up with strangers, etc. I was terribly shy in high school and later drinking was my way of covering that. I was sick of being the quiet one but because of my behavior I was overwhelmed with shame for 4 years. Academically I did ok.

Some time has passed and I started to calm down a bit with the drinking. I discovered benzos, first ativan, then xanax and klonopin, and they were and still are life savers for me in many ways. I was never prescribed them, I hate seeing drs of any kind. Hate it, just feel slow and self-conscious and weirdly guilty around them.

I started worrying about benzo addiction and had a friend with access to lots of vicodin. I had done painkillers before and always really enjoyed them, so now I've got this on/off (mostly on) love affair with vicodin. I like it better than alcohol and benzos, it really is "the devil's hug" as someone on here described it. Now my friend is in rehab and I'm doing vicodin alone, not all the time because it's so $$ but I think about it often and map out ahead of time when I'll get more. My mindset is "When I get the vicodin, it'll be fine. Just one more week."

Add to this I have a ritalin connection. I don't even like the stuff. I used to take adderall in college while drinking and I find myself buying this stupid ritalin, I don't know why I do it to myself. I don't take it every day but when I do get it, I end up staying up until the sun comes out trying to avoid the comedown. So here I am, sometimes combining all of the above, not in fatal doses but christ, it's like I'm in a race to kill my liver.

Drugs and alcohol have been a focal point in my life for almost a decade. I have no criminal record, a decent job that I'm in no danger of losing. In fact, moderate use of benzos and vicodin has helped me immensely at work, or at least that's my perception of it. It gives me confidence, makes me less gloomy. Puts a bit of fun into my day.

I come across as normal, even "together." My family thinks I'm doing ok, they have no idea what I consume in a week. They'd be shocked, my co-workers too. What my drug and alcohol use has completely wrecked is any semblance of a social life. I had friends once. Then being with friends became about getting fucked up. Then I couldn't be in a social situation without being chemically altered. Now I've alienated all my old friends, partly out of shame at being such a druggie/drunk loser, deep and ugly embarrassment, the usual.

If you've read through all that you deserve an award. I am right now trying to stave off a ritalin comedown (why do I do this to myself?) I forced myself to see a dr months ago and she put me on 20 mg celexa. The worst part is, I think it actually does help, but I continue to sabotage any chance at growth or happiness with pills and alcohol. It's my go-to. It's all I know, I'm trapped. I've convinced myself that most things in life I can't do without a pill/drink. I just don't feel equipped to deal with life situations. I want to get high and drink when things are going well, and I want to when things are shitty. I've always known I had a problem but being by all appearances normal (except for my total lack of a social life) I find it hard to take the steps to say "I have a problem."

Should I just pop a xanax and show up at an AA meeting, sit in the back a few times, see how it is? I don't think I can go back to that dr, I don't like her very much. I hate the concern face women counselors/drs sometimes give, if that's what it is. I don't really like much attention. I thank God nothing terrible has happened to reveal my problems to those around me, but in a way being forced to get help would be an incredible relief. A weight off my shoulders. I need to learn to stop taking myself so seriously, to realize I'm not alone in this. But I'm terrified. I'm even almost scared of doing well in a way, it's grown comfortable in my rut.

Jesus, now I'm almost 30 and I know that's young but it's not that young. In your 20's you're supposed to screw around. It scares the shit out of me to think that in 10 years I could very well still be "a loner by choice" with substances in the place of friends.

 

[psychopath]

If you think that you have a problem, than you probably do.

I would personally taper with both. Taper minimizes withdrawal symptoms. Further, abrupt cessation of benzos following severe addiction can cause seizures, which are not fun.

Opiate withdrawals make you feel like horrible. Again, taper would certainly be my choice here as well.

 

[piebald]

oh that post made me sad, i went through something so similar, i think you need not only stop using, but really find out why you feel the need to use, thats the underlying issue...i did the same thing where i needed drugs/drink to do just about anything...its a rough spot to be in but just your acknowledgement/writing that post is really courageous. I really really really didnt want to ask for help, but i did and it really made a difference, for me anyway. AA was def out of the question for me, so was anything that involved talking with a group of people...maybe you can find something/someone you would be more comfortable with.
The uncomfortable feeling u(and everyone i think) get being around mental health professionals is a small price to pay for for a better life. If you can "fix yourself" than thats awesome, go for it, im jealous! But if you are really worried just do some research and maybe you can find a place that might be a good fit for you.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

All I can say is, this is almost like reading my own thoughts. I'm a loner by choice. I use drugs or alcohol...alot. Only one of my friends is aware of this, he does it with me. Everyone else would be surprised. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dependent on chemicals to be happy. Cause sober, I get bored. I'm depressed more than a guy my age should be. I just passed a piss test for work, cause my drugs are prescribed to me or don't show up on a piss test. So nobody knows...or cares. It's nice to have no one minding my business and asking me about my drug use. At the same time, it's lonely. I never admit any substance use to anyone though, aside from my best friend who I do stuff with. I never would, either.

 

[Ixchellian]

Confronting negative expectations is a good start.
You also should try and step outside of your experiencing self, and focus on changing the things that are within..... namely, harmful addiction.
Nothing is true, everything is permitted.... you are the agent of your own becoming, and nothing else is.

 

[bitterbrains]

Thanks for your responses. I felt ashamed and didn't want to check back for a couple days. How pathetic!

Piebald, you're right, I think most people feel uncomfortable in those situations. I haven't given it a chance. I guess I give up after any discomfort in a lot of situations, thinking this is where I crumble into uselessness. And yeah, AA right now seems too intimidating. But I know I can't fix myself. I think if I had a good reason to I could at least try to be sober and pretend to be but I wouldn't be happy. I need to address the party pack of fun underlying issues. Maybe it's not even that bad, you know, I just never really have opened up to someone who was in a position to help. I've never really tried that fake it till you make it stuff.

And zombies, it is lonely. It's nice to know though that it's a way of life for someone else too.

 

[chitown rollin]

I get what you say about AA being intimidating, I thought the same thing. In reality, though, it's full of people just like you who either want to get clean or want to stay clean.... there are many people at meetings with years of clean time who can provide knowledge to you if you just ask. I get why you think that but I go to AA sometimes and I'm somebody that loves to help others get clean because I recently did (60 some days ago), it feels good to help others and I'm sure most people in AA are just like me, plus you can meet friends there if you'd like... keep this in mind.

Another thing I would recommend is counseling. I know you said you don't like doctors but if you go to a GOOD psychologist , not a psychiatrist, you shouldn't even feel like you're at a doctor at all. I see a psychologist from time to time who DOESN'T prescribe medicine and just gives me different strategies for coping with things such as social anxiety. think about it. Hope this helps.