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Mental Health How do I get back out there?

Lightning-Nl

Lightning-Nl

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2012
Messages
1,245
I've isolated myself for the past 3 years, due to bad anxiety issues. I've really started to recover and I'm learning how to control my compulsions as well as my depression, focus issues, mood swings, and most everything else. Medication has really helped, but as I've learned, they can only carry you half way. For years, I made the mistake of thinking that medication would take care of everything, but they don't. I've learned that medication is really only meant to make symptoms lessened to the point that you can learn how to cope with them.

I've been doing this for the past three years now and I'm getting a lot better, however, something that's still a huge issue for me is social anxiety. My social anxiety is still very debilitating. It's so bad that I can barely have anything to do with people. I can't make answer my phone, I can't make small talk, I can't even send someone an email without feeling an extremely overwhelming amount of anxiety. So what can I do?

People have told me before "Just do it! Don't think about it, and then it's over with!" But these people don't have any idea what it's like! It's not just over when I send someone a message! I can't stop thinking about what I said and if it was the right thing to say. I will keep worrying about it until I get a response back! I also worry so much about phone calls that I can't call people back or even listen to their voicemails.

So how can I work on this?

I know people say to slowly stop out of your comfort zone until it becomes less "scary," but it's so anxiety causing and overwhelming for me that building up the courage to even dial a phone can give me a panic attack.

Second huge issue for me is talking to people - specifically, girls. I can't do it, unless they talk to me first. It's the same with anyone. I usually can't talk to someone unless they initiate the conversation first. Even if it's something as simple as "Hey! Can you hold they elevator for me?" I still consider that an invitation to start a conversation. But if I don't have an invitation, I can still, usually, start a conversation if it's a guy, but almost never if it's a girl.

If it's a girl, especially one that's attractive and in my age group - it can't be done. This is one of the worst aspects of my social anxiety due to the fact that I want a girlfriend soooo bad. I have dreams about it because it bothers me so much. I will dream that I have a girlfriend and in the dream, I feel so happy that I don't want to wake up....ever. I really want to experience this in real life - but it's not going to happen if I can't even look at an attractive girl without feeling nauseous.

So how can I start talking to girls? and progress to getting a girlfriend?

Also, how can I stop being so socially awkward in conversations? I'm sure that's part of the reason why I feel so nervous about talking to girls - because I'm afraid of being awkward. So how can I stop feeling that and/or actually be more socially acceptable?

Thanks everyone! It's much appreciated!
 
I've been where you are, I wasted most of my youth in reclusion. It's hard to get out, and it can feel uncomfortable but you have to go with the feeling; it passes.

The key ingredient is natural confidence (not the shit you get from a drug). Getting into shape at the gym can help with this: if you look good, you'll feel good.

DO NOT OVERTHINK! This is vital: if you think about how your coming across too much, you can get trapped in your head.

Don't speak to girls with the sole intention of getting a girlfriend. Trust me, girls can smell need or desperation a mile off. Just start off gently, contributing a few words to a conversation here and there; it's just two people connecting.Speaking to any female you don't feel phased by or attracted to can help here. Just get to know them slowly at a pace you feel comfortable with. You have to get to know them first before you can hook up with them.(obviously)

I know what your going through, but just hang in here, because it becomes easy with practice.
 
One suggested exercise: plan to make a small journey on foot. It could be to the end of your street and back, a little further, maybe. Nothing too demanding or worrisome. Before you take this small journey on foot, lie back and visualize yourself doing it. Visualize yourself walking that journey. Feel your feet against the pavement holding your weight, take curious glances at your surroundings, feel how you want to feel. Now do the small journey for real.

Do this each day, changing your journey slightly :)
 
Thanks for tips guys! I really appreciate it!

It's definitely true that girls can smell nervousness and neediness from a mile away, so the pretending to not be interested was a great tip! I'll definitely try to remember that. Although, how do I go about actually going up to a girl and starting a conversation? If I'm in a mall or something and I happen to see an attractive girl in a store, how do I initiate a conversation? I have tried to do it many times, but I can never come up with a good way to break the ice. Do I just go up to her and say "Hey! Watcha lookin at?" I've thought about doing that before, but it sounds really lame when I play the situation in my head.

Overthinking everything is something that will be hard for me not to do. A lot of my personality is based on over analyzing things (like the above), so I guess I just have to not care? So, if that's the case, how do I make myself not care?

Also, after thinking about it for a while, it become obvious to me that my social anxieties are rooted in self-esteem issues (which is kind of obvious, now that I think about it). Exercising is something that I'm really trying to do more. It's very difficult for me to do anything that I don't want to do, and so it takes a lot of motivation to get me to do that. But, besides exercising, what else could I try to raise my self-esteem?
 
You could try going up to a girl at the grocery store who's looking at salad dressing. Pick one up, tap her arm, and say, "Have you had this before?" Or at a bookstore, "Have you read this before?" "Oh yeah, well who do you read?" It's not important if you have any desire to see her again, but after enough approaches it should get easier. Granted, this only works once you're able to tap a random girl on the arm in public heh.

I hope that was somewhat helpful.
 
u outta' check bitches (sluts/whores the like) too. Like a Dad would his daughter. I have an older and younger sister. They both, when at their best, or slightly stoned and liking it ( they don't anymore so don't get any ideas..jk/lol ) would ask me or my Dad for "help" with something. I remember they would ask about if an exposed bra strap under a tanktop looked "cheap", "desperate" etc before they went out.

You should volunteer at a soup kitchen or other volunteer place like Habitat for Humanities ( google habitat for humanities and the name of your city to sign up. ). I've found that its pretty unique in that you are volunteering, and you get to do your own thing. Work the show room floor instead of building houses at the site. Plenty of chances to be a person to the women and be a total dick to the cunts.
 
well i'm not you so i can't tell you how you feel about yourself or what needs to change in that area or even if that is the issue but talking to a psychologist would be a great place to start to explore what you find "wrong" in yourself that worries you to the point that you think girls won't like you because of it
 
Maybe you should look into the PUA stuff? It teaches people how to just walk up to them , take the plunge and start speaking to them without hesitation. it's based on having the confidence to be yourself that will get results every time. It's turned insecure wrecks into raging Lotharios all over the world, and looks and wealth are completely irrelevant.
Stopping the constant thoughts does take practice, for me I just taught myself to "be in the moment". You can do it through force of will.
 
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