Addiction How did you realize you had a problem?

[Emptty]

The biggest pain in the ass regarding my recovery attempts has always been the fact I can't apply the label addict to myself with any honesty, I'll use the word to simplify explaining my situation but I don't see myself as an addict by any means. I recognize to a degree that this is denial but it makes quitting an almost impossible task. I feel out of place in treatment programs and at 12 step meetings, no matter how much people embrace me and say I belong I feel I'm taking up space and resources that I don't need.

I've asked people before if they thought I was an addict, got told only I can determine that. Asked people what made them realize they were an addict, got told they hit rock bottom. Problem is I don't really have a rock bottom. Closest thing for me would probably be death and by then it's to late.

I have plenty of excuses to not call myself an addict, no physical dependency (anymore), I can quit for short periods (just not forever), I can function as well as I usually do regardless of if I'm using. I won't pretend drug use never caused any problems for me but when I hear other people's stories I feel as if my issues are nowhere near bad enough to justify me using the term addict for myself.

So what was the final straw for you? Your rock bottom? What made you step back from the denial and admit to yourself you had an addiction you needed to recover from?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've always thought the concept of "rock bottom" was negative and overly dramatic. I've had so many of these, it is demoralizing and odd to think of them like this. It always made more sense to think of them simply as mistakes, as in my mind it is much easier to correct for a mistake and turn it into something positive, such as the opportunity it just as well always was. That, as opposed to the visual of "rock bottom," where I picture a hard, painful struggle to drag one's self out of some nasty vermin infested pit of filth or something.

Likewise, the concept of denial is something I find entirely useless. It seems like anyone in 12 step culture who disagrees with me likes to say I'm in denial - it is an easy out in terms of entirely avoiding addressing anything I'm saying and essentially labeling me, what I'm doing or what I'm thinking as inferior to them. Which is hardly helpful when it comes to early recovery. I don't need to be reminded I'm occupying some inferior social position, if anything those kinds of reminders were why I used.

It doesn't sounds like you fit in among the standard 12 step recovery culture. 12 step recovery culture likes to present itself as Recovery with a big "R," but it has no such monopoly on that game. Every time you take any kind of step towards living a healthier lifestyle you are making progress in your recovery, there is no need to some organization with a set of rules and principles to verify your progress to make it so. I've always found it pretty intuitive: if I can get in touch with how I feel about what I'm doing with my life, I tend to have a pretty good sense of whether or not I'm on the right path or not.

I also don't find the addict label all that helpful. It's pretty cool if you can take something that has been demonized, ridiculed and stigmatized by society (and continues to be on all fronts) and turn it into some that you find empowering, but I tend to find that even within circles where this kind of transformation has supposedly happened it still end up working in many ways as a harmful label (fostering self hatred and allowing for one to make excuses as to non-drug related unethical behavior one still engages in).

I have always been of the mind, if you find it useful to identity as an addict, do it. Otherwise, find something you find useful identifying with.

I know I'm not really answering any of your questions in specific, I just wanted to vomit my $0.02 in your thread on these points a bit

If you take anything away from this, let it be that there are many other approaches out there to recovery and healing from the damage of harmful patterns of drug use than the 12 step or abstinence only communities.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Probably after that first week of heroin use, when I ran out and knew immediately I wanted more.

 

[stephahknee]

I need the Captains help!

Could you PM me please Captain?
You're like the Pele of all things IV heroin and I need your help. Sorry for just posting this non related thread like a dick.

 

[zephyr]

The thing really was running out of drugs and having no way at all to keep going.

That was deliberate. Mived away to where I had no connections and then simply ran out of drugs.

Facing the future with no drugs at all was rock bottom because still had decades to live and had to get clean and get back on track.

That was so hard. But without anyone helping me financially or help me score or find a reason to get back on drugs there was no choice.

Rock bottom means you have no choice and nobody to prop you up.

Its hard but not impossibke.

8 years later I dabble here and there but time has passed and things are different. I have no need to go down the daily use path again.

 

[simco]

I remember the moment when I felt that I had a problem very clearly.

It was about 5 years ago. I had been using heroin for about 6 months at that time. But I was not using daily...just trying for that elusive idea of recreational opiate use. To avoid becoming addicted, I put in place some rules that governed my using. The main rule was that I had to allow 2 weeks to elapse between days when I got high. I thought I had shit all figured out, that I simply couldn't get in too much trouble that way. (Just so it's clear, this was a fucking TERRIBLE and stupid idea. I had no clue what the fuck I was doing.)

Well, I felt like things were going OK. But then one afternoon I was sitting at my desk at work and I noticed I was looking closely at my calendar. In fact, I'd been looking at it for quite a while. And I realized that in my head I was calculating how many days until I could use again. I was also doing some multiplication in my head...how many hours? Minutes? Then I noticed that my adrenaline was up and my mouth was watering.

At that point I had zero physical dependency. But the intensity of those thoughts was new to me, and it came roaring into focus that heroin had gotten out from under me.

That was when I started trying to stop. But I found that I couldn't. And once I realized how badly I wanted the drugs, I started to let things slide. Those rules I mentioned went out the window pretty quickly, and before I knew it I had developed a full-blown dope habit.

I can still remember how freaked out I was when I realized how compulsive my thinking about heroin had gotten. That was my moment.

 

[Emptty]

I remember the moment when I felt that I had a problem very clearly.
Well, I felt like things were going OK. But then one afternoon I was sitting at my desk at work and I noticed I was looking closely at my calendar. In fact, I'd been looking at it for quite a while. And I realized that in my head I was calculating how many days until I could use again. I was also doing some multiplication in my head...how many hours? Minutes? Then I noticed that my adrenaline was up and my mouth was watering.

At that point I had zero physical dependency. But the intensity of those thoughts was new to me, and it came roaring into focus that heroin had gotten out from under me.

That was when I started trying to stop. But I found that I couldn't.

Godamn if that isn't all familiar to me, I've only real recently given any merit to the idea that I have an actual problem. And this all is exactly why, I had done opioids like Norco and Oxy before and even experienced physical withdrawal but it never seemed an issue to me even when other people told me it was a bad habit to have. Did a lot of other shit recreationally and maintained that there wasn't a problem, fast forward to 6 months ago when I tried IV Heroin for the first time and I can't focus on anything else anymore. I don't much care about anything aside from when I'll be able to use again. I don't use daily but every day most of my thoughts are about my next chance to get high, the cravings and obsession are driving me mad at this point and I know I can't just choose to stop forever.

Still feels weird to say I have a problem when I don't use daily or have any physical dependence. But I just can't stand being sober anymore, it's like torture. If I'm not on something I'm always thinking about how badly I want Heroin or IV Fent and at this point any other drug use is just a distraction to keep me from noticing the intensity of that feeling. It's not as if it interferes with my life since I can't work or go to school anyways but It's a horrible obsession to live with and I'm not sure what to do about it.

 

[simco]

Hey, Emptty. I'm really sorry to hear how intense things are. That sounds awful.

But you can get out of this situation. Seriously, it's totally doable. Personally, for me the improvement started when I realized that I couldn't get myself healthier without help. It was a bitter pill to swallow. But for me it was a necessary one.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk things over...it really does sound like there are a lot of similarities between our situations.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What kinds of opioid use disorder treatments have you been exposed to or tried Emptty (outside of the traditional abstinence only approach I mean)? It sounds like you really struggle with cravings, and there are ways beyond white knuckling it and more effectively addressing them.

 

[Emptty]

What kinds of opioid use disorder treatments have you been exposed to or tried Emptty (outside of the traditional abstinence only approach I mean)? It sounds like you really struggle with cravings, and there are ways beyond white knuckling it and more effectively addressing them.

Really just abstinence only, tried 12 step programs a few times but could never stick with them. I've been in outpatient substance abuse treatment once and inpatient once although I didn't complete either program. The focus there was therapy and being monitored to ensure I wasn't using. I felt the staff at those programs were pretty incompetent overall though, the inpatient program had my DOC as alcohol because they just outright did not pay attention to what I was saying.

At the moment I'm considering a different inpatient program (I worry w/ outpatient it's to easy for me just to go home, get high and then lie about it), but I'm not particularly hopeful that it'll work so I've been putting it off in favor of just going to my usual therapist and hoping she can offer me some way to cope.

I have been wondering about maintenance medications but I figure they have more application with physical withdrawal than with cravings and I'm past any acute withdrawal right now. I also am not sure I could get them right now without my family finding out and that could be all sorts of bad news.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Actually maintenance medications, even when used for conservative amounts of time like six months, can be very effective when dealing with cravings. I actually found buprenorphine more effective at dealing with cravings after I'd detoxed from heroin than going straight from heroin to it.

Effectively using a ORT based medication however required a larger commitment than most people are aware of - the people who have the best chances of success tend to stay on it for about 2 years. That means two years of medication, monitoring, therapy and working to move forward in other areas of life (such as career, education, personal relationships, etc). No small thing, but frankly most people still seem to believe that 30 days in rehab is the most important part of the puzzle (when in reality, it's what happens after the intensely regulated environment of inpatient treatment is what matters most) - which is a (sad) joke.

You know yourself best, but these days it looks more like outpatient programs that involve more than just abstinence only psychoeducation (in other words, you have a program that integrate relapse prevention/CBT and individual therapy along with community support and treatment of concurrent mental health and personal health concerns) combined with ORT is the most effective form of treatment for folks with an opioid use disorder that has already resulted in "recidivism" (sustained relapse post treatment, a.k.a. "treatment failure").

Whatever you choose, from other posts of yours, it is fairly evident that you'd benefit infinitely more from a treatment program (whether inpatient, outpatient or something you devise for yourself) that can address your mental health concerns as opposed to just focusing on abstinence. Most abstinence based program are woefully inadequate when dealing with mental illness, and in many cases can be more harmful than helpful (or at best, a waste of money).

What kind of inpatient program are you looking at?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I have been wondering about maintenance medications but I figure they have more application with physical withdrawal than with cravings and I'm past any acute withdrawal right now. I also am not sure I could get them right now without my family finding out and that could be all sorts of bad news.

It's a lot better for the acute withdrawal. However, especially for people who have relapsed over and over and over again, using it to prevent cravings can be a really smart life choice. It's what I decided to do for a few years. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'd 'recommend' someone do the same thing I did, but it is what it is.

 

[MrPubNub]

I never really hit a "bottom" and there was no final straw for me. I never saw myself as an addict either because I did not look or act like most of the addicts I knew. The realization came on slowly over the span of young adulthood (age 14-20) as my compulsive behaviors and just wanting to escape reality became the norm. If you have ever told yourself that reality is not good enough for you, and you need to use a substance to help you get through your days, then you might have a problem (and more importantly a solution). But like others have said, only you can determine that.

Good luck to you.

 

[simco]

When I got evicted. When I lost both of my jobs. When I botched my admissions into professional school. When I put myself in five figure debt. When I lost all trust/respect from my partner & family. That last one will keep you kicking at night. Sim, not that it's funny, but your comment made me smirk. I used to schedule the day(s) in iCalendar. When life became a list of tasks to accomplish prior to doing what I really wanted, that was the tip-off. All the best.

My dates were all listed in iCal too!

 

[justme6263]

I realised I had a problem many years ago when I was spending a ridiculous amount of money per week on cocaine, but I realised I needed to change very recently just over a month ago when I started using H (alcohol and coke were always my doc) and it seemed as normal a thing to do as breathing. Now in the early stages of recovery (24 hours in after a relapse).

 

[Emptty]

Whatever you choose, from other posts of yours, it is fairly evident that you'd benefit infinitely more from a treatment program (whether inpatient, outpatient or something you devise for yourself) that can address your mental health concerns as opposed to just focusing on abstinence. Most abstinence based program are woefully inadequate when dealing with mental illness, and in many cases can be more harmful than helpful (or at best, a waste of money).

What kind of inpatient program are you looking at?

The one I'm looking at right now is actually a primarily mental health focused program with a dual dx option for anyone who also has a substance use disorder. I did come to realize that I probably can't maintain sobriety without addressing my mental health issues. It's just been a struggle with only getting correctly diagnosed recently and having two diagnoses that a lot of programs won't touch with a ten foot pole. This one explicitly mentions one of those as something they'll treat but I'm still not sure if they'll take me, I've emailed them asking if they're able to treat the other disorder but haven't heard back yet.

I'm not sure how much a primarily mental health program can help with my substance abuse issues but I suspect there's a better chance of success with that than with a program that doesn't know how to treat severe mental illness at all.

It's what I decided to do for a few years. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'd 'recommend' someone do the same thing I did, but it is what it is.

Can I ask why you wouldn't recommend it? It's something I may look into more but I'd definitely like to have a full picture before pursuing it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is good to hear Emptty. I think that will be a really good choice for you in terms of program requirements. I experienced much more positive things treatment settings that primarily focus on mental health.

Most "dual diagnosis" (any place that labels it this way should be considered with a bit of a critical eye, as the term is actually "co-occurring") programs I have encountered focus primarily on the abstinence side of the equation, place relatively little emphasis on the mental health issues, which ends up making them only slightly more desirable than programs that more explicitly address mental health concerns.

YMMV, but such is life for those with mental health or substance use related challenges in life (well, particularly in my culture).

 

[simco]

Emptty,

It sounds like you have good instincts about finding help for yourself. That will take you a long way.

And btw, if you're not inclined to describe online the various diagnoses you're up against, that's understandable and of course it's 100% fine. But I hope you'll feel encouraged and free to share as much about your situation here as you're comfortable with. Many of us on SL (most of us, I'd bet) will certainly be able to relate. But this choice is of course entirely yours to make.


Sim

 

[cj]

When I first had withdrawal

 

[Jabberwocky]

Originally, I probably first realized I had a problem when I became aware that other people were aware of my fondness for opioids.

Though the first time I probably woke up to my issues in any dramatic way was after trying heroin, which was after I had mentioned to the person who turned me on to it that trying it was a "stupid idea." The realization that I was in fact using a powerfully stigmatized drug like heroin in itself was a wake up call, though it lasted only a couple months in terms of keeping me from using.

Years later I had another set of realizations after getting arrested a number of times for possession, and then, after stabilizing on methadone, that I would not be able to achieve any of my meager life goals if I continues living the kind of lifestyle that had me living day to day or open to the kind of instability that arrest can bring on.

But, as my first post in this thread might have indicated, there wasn't really a "magic moment." Those are just a few of the times I had insight into how damaging or potentially damaging my use was or could become.

Over time, I have become more aware of what I was doing to myself and how it was affecting the course of my life's development. There have been many genuinely insightful moments, each with their own bit of clarity - and they continued after I stopped using regularly and then altogether.

But whether insight translated into action is another matter entirely. Each individual insight was necessary in motivating and instructing me to find ways of modifying my behavior and lifestyle, yet I didn't have the skills necessary to make meaningful changes in my life at that early stage (which was also probably a big part of the reason I found heroin/opioid use so attractive to begin with - it was like the short in terms of dealing with, or not having to deal with, challenges I face with things like anxiety).

Considering I made my first attempt to stop using heroin a week after I tried it, and then ended up having to struggle for years until I was able to make any meaningful progress along these lines, indicates that it can take a lot of resources (not just materially, but psychologically, emotionally, socially, etc), many that we have to create for ourselves, before it is possible to make a dramatic break with deeply ingrained habit patterns and meaningfully alter the course of our lives.