How can I be so stupid? What do I do?

[JessFR]

Hey, long time lurker, first time poster.

Siiigh, I hate talking about myself, but I just don't have anyone to really talk about this shit with.

I suppose I could ring up one of my former sponsors, but I know what they'll say.

So yeah, I'm stupid, I'm stupid because for the first time in my life I have someone who loves me who isn't my mother (more on her later), and I love him and yet I feel like a helpless passenger as I watch the rest of me try and ruin both of our lives.

My names Jessica, I'm 24 and I live with my boyfriend and his parents. Initially we were just friends. I had tried to kill myself and instead of dying all that happened was my mother learned the full scope of my drug problems. I don't remember much of my suicide attempt before waking up in the hospital, one thing I do remember though is the look of profound disappointment in my mothers eyes. I couldn't face her after that. Eventually they let me out of the hospital and she pretty much broke down crying that they were letting me go. That's when I told her I wasn't planning on staying. I couldn't after that. Living with her was killing both of us and now that she'd searched my room, found out everything, I ran.

I got on a plane a couple days after I was discharged, packed a bag, flew interstate. That's where I met the person I now think of as my soulmate. At first I just needed a place to stay. I knew he liked me and in some ways in hindsight I wonder if I just used that to avoid homelessness. In some ways I think he's the best thing to ever happen to me, and I'm the worst thing to ever happen to him. However it started, eventually I feel in love with him too. I think about how much it would destroy me if something happened to him, and at the same time know that that's exactly how he must feel watching me.

He's not an addict, not a user, and he never thought he'd end up with someone who was. I feel so guilty, because I can see my addiction, my compulsion, whatever it is, whatever name you use for it, whatever's wrong with me it's getting out of control again. I had managed to be clean for a few months, but the cravings keep compelling me, keep drawing me back in. I feel like it's fast approaching the point where I won't be able to hide it anymore. And I feel disgusted with myself for not confiding in him that I'm using again. But how can I? It would hurt him so much. His mothers threatened to kick me out if she catches me using.

But here's the biggest problem. I don't want to stop. I use opiates, benzos, alcohol... opiates are definitely my drug of choice but I'll settle for anything that stops me feeling how I feel sober. It's going to kill me one day and I'm just not sure that's enough to make me want to stop. I don't want to betray him and I don't want to hurt or disappoint him.

I think about what I've done and it seems unforgivable. A part of me has tried to introduce him to drugs just so I can use and go on my little ride to hell with him. How fucked up is that shit? What kind of a person does something like that? I promised him I'd quit smoking once, not only do I still smoke, he tried his first cigarette and it's because of me. Thankfully he's not like me, he hated it and has never given into drugs like I have. As horrible as what I've done is, at least I failed.

Who does shit like that to someone they love?

I've seen shrinks before, it never seems to work with me. We chat about my unhappy childhood and all the cliche stuff but nothing ever changes. I have a very hard time trusting people.

So, what do I do. Do I stop lying to him? I don't think he'll leave me, but he will be disappointed, he has his own depression to deal with and I don't want to add to it. His parents are getting a divorce too. They have other problems to worry about right now than their kids loser junkie girlfriend.

Wtf is wrong with me? He deserves so much better than me.

I don't even know why I wrote all this, guess it just feels good to write it down. As totally self-pitying as it probably sounds.

 

[RhythmSpring]

Don't give up drugs because it'll save your life in the future, give up drugs because it will improve the situation in the present.

I'm not familiar with these kinds of issues, but it sounds like you have no choice but to give up your drugs. If you know in your right mind that you need to, do it. I have a rule for myself: "Don't go against your better judgment." Easier said than done, but it sounds like you know what to do.

And what a great way to do it--for someone you love. You have right now an opportunity to do it right. Instead of feeling like you're bringing your boyfriend down, think of how much of a blessing he is, and how that in itself can inspire you to exist in a sober state.

You've used again, but that's because quitting is HARD. You're struggling because anyone would in your situation. Allow yourself forgiveness. And realize that you haven't permanently fucked things up. You can always quit. And you can quit *right now.*

Did this sound too preachy? I dunno. It's what I believe.

 

[duckeee]

I don't remember much of my suicide attempt before waking up in the hospital, one thing I do remember though is the look of profound disappointment in my mothers eyes.

Have you ever considered that she wasn't disappointed in you - I am 100 % sure that SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN HERSELF. That's being a mom in one sentence, being a mom means feeling guilty for everything because mom wants to give her child THE PERFECT life and therein lays the source of eternal guilt because perfection is impossible.

I got on a plane a couple days after I was discharged, packed a bag, flew interstate. That's where I met the person I now think of as my soulmate. At first I just needed a place to stay. I knew he liked me and in some ways in hindsight I wonder if I just used that to avoid homelessness.

Just a quick remark - that wasn't a bad thing, it seems you take it as something you did wrong. You needed him, he was willing to help.

But here's the biggest problem. I don't want to stop. I use opiates, benzos, alcohol... opiates are definitely my drug of choice but I'll settle for anything that stops me feeling how I feel sober. It's going to kill me one day and I'm just not sure that's enough to make me want to stop. I don't want to betray him and I don't want to hurt or disappoint him.

That's what being an addict is - don't want to hurt anyone yet they still do. And quitting for somebody else rarely works, the decision must come from deep down of yourself. YOU must want to quit for YOU.

Who does shit like that to someone they love?

We, the addicts do. Because we are constantly looking for something that would assure us drugs are okay. Something, anything.

So, what do I do. Do I stop lying to him?

If you think that that will be the only thing that will shake you enough so you would really try to quit, then tell him. But if you are not sure and feel like you could kick the habit some other way or maybe want to give yourself the chance try it without hurting him. Then I suggest you pack your bags and leave for a while. Do whatever needs to be done - go to rehab, get hospitalized, start therapy and explain him everything after you've come out the other side.

Wtf is wrong with me? He deserves so much better than me.

Maybe he's in your life to remind you that YOU deserve so much better than drugs.

 

[duanomatic]

You're not alone in feeling incredible guilt in harming those around you because of your addictions and what you perceive as character flaws and defects. I feel like this all the time, always deceiving those around me with my secretive drug use and addiction. This feeling of guilt is gradually overtaking my need to use and is getting worse than my "sober" feeling. I'm taking steps each day to turn things around and not use.

What I'm trying to say is that the good news is your moral compass is still working. You have those feelings of guilt and wrongdoing that will steer you in the right direction. I hope that you can find periods of sobriety long enough (it is a gradual process, I am coming to find out) to make clear decisions about how you're going to live your life going forward. Best of luck!

 

[ArtVandalay]

I kept my drug addiction a secret from my family and the woman I loved for almost a decade because of guilt and shame. In the end it cost me my relationship, my job and almost my family. Luckily I got two out of three back. I still miss my ex. If I would have confronted my problem and came out to my family and friends, rather than wait till it spiralled out of control, things may have turned out differently. But everyone's got to hit their own bottom to find recovery. I don't have an answer for you Jessica, but just know you're not a loser, just an addict like many of us here in the dark side.

 

[opium]

hey Jessica, im victor.
First off, i know how you feel in some of those senses. Ive woken up in a hospital bed after an overdose, and saw the same look you described in your mothers eyes, in my moms. It still kills me to this day that i caused her so much pain.. but believe me it does not last. The feeling of her happiness that you survived, outweighs the feelings of sadness, ten fold. It eventually fades into the background.

And what your doing is completely normal. I use drugs and have introduced so many of my friends to it, and they still use to this day..as bad as it feels, it makes me feel less alone knowing that people im close to also have a same hobby as me..being a junkie..The fear is being alone.

Your not doing it to hurt him on purpose, addiction is a disease..Happily this disease has a cure, and its already in you. you just have to learn how to use it.
I would tell him, because then at least he can help work with you and be a support, so he can talk to you, and console you. He cant help if he dosent know. And like somebody said above, hes in your life to show you that theres more to life than your addiction, and maybe its him.

Of everything, i hope you can conquer this. You sound like a nice girl who deserves a lot better life than youve let yourself have, and your only 24, so you can still have it. Stay strong jessica

 

[JessFR]

Thanks everyone for the words of support.
I told him, he was not happy about it. Neither of us want to break up. But things seem so stuck.

I've been into drugs since I was 14, life without them seems as foreign to me as life with them seems to him. It's totally alien to me how he can go through life totally sober. My attempts to stay sober result in me chain smoking instead. And it never lasts long.

Haven't really decided what to do yet. On the one hand I don't want drugs to ruin this relationship, it's the best and possibly only good thing I have. He's afraid of it happening because of friends he's had that got into drugs. That and he's just generally a very straight edge kinda person. On the other hand I've been through this whole therapy and 12 step sobriety thing before, though I've never stuck with it long enough to get much past the newcomers keytag. The pull I feel doesn't go away. It feels sometimes like I can't live without them. It's the only way I feel that good. I try cleaning up, but I just feel hollow and that my efforts go unrecognized.

I'm not afraid of overdosing, not afraid of dying, not afraid of being arrested or going to prison. I fear loosing him and I fear losing drugs.

 

[herbavore]

But things seem so stuck.

I've been into drugs since I was 14, life without them seems as foreign to me as life with them seems to him.

I think this is where your wisdom might lie. Life seems foreign to you without drugs because your whole development as an adult (a hard process for every human being) was on drugs. If you had been an anxious teenager without drugs you would have been forced to deal with those very painful emotions by building strength inside. No one ever thinks they are getting stronger as an adolescent because life usually feels so out of control, but in truth it is a period of intense growth psychologically. Using drugs to artificially give you confidence, motivation and a sense of belonging robs you of the very natural processes that take place much more slowly over time. Most of us don't even begin to come into our own place of comfort until much later in life. Those places of discomfort are natural and they don't have to be nearly as scary when you stop thinking it is some horrible lack or defect in yourself and recognize that it is actually what it is like to develop as a human being.

I was struck by the strength you showed getting on that plane. That is the same strength you can count on to leave the home you have made with drugs. You know how even the most dysfunctional home and family can provide comfort because it is familiar? That is where you are now. Use that strength that you called on to pack your bag and get on the plane and see if you can't get into rehab and start to work on finding ways to be comfortable with yourself.

I hope you will also take to heart what people here said about trying to get your boyfriend into drugs. It does not make you a terrible person and yet you know how unhealthy the desire is on your part. Maybe when you are having a heart-to-heart talk with him you can be brave and tell him how much it really means to you that he doesn't give in when you offer. Let him know that the life you want is drug free and that it is your addiction talking, not you, when you say otherwise.

Good luck.

 

[gay.in.texas]

I dont have much that hasnt already been said, but you dont need to feel like you chose drugs over him. I got so angry at my mom growing up because I felt she consistently chose alcohol over me, but once I got older, found my own drugs of choice, and developed nasty addictions, I began to understand the nature of addiction. In fact now in retrospect I feel terrible for being angry at her, when she was just hurting very badly, and need someone to care, understand, and help her, rather than resent her actions. My point of posting this is that I feel the decision making process of an addict is something that cant fully be understood until you understand the sadistic nature of addiction itself. And many who think they do cant fully grasp how powerful it is until theyre lived it or felt it. Its not your fault that the drugs are an issue, but its not his fault for not understanding why. I think the best course of action is total honesty on both ends of it, as I feel some of the distance between the percieved and actual nature of it comes from the fact that addiction is generally shrouded in lies, half truths, and beating around the bush.

I realize this was a long and winding post, and it was in part very cathartic for myself, so apologies if it seems incoherent. I hope, however, that there was something to be gained in it. If not, and I sound like an idiot, Im sorry