28 year old, 1,78m, 60kg.
I'm in a bit a predicament right now and I hope that perhaps this is a good place to educate myself about this and that...
I've always been a very tired person without any... zest or life-lust at all, simply due to the singular reason of constantly wanting to sleep. No doctor have ever found out why I need more sleep or why I have never once in my life felt rested. This has been a problem since I was, like, 2 or 3 years old, I recall my mother telling me... This eventually led to depression, SSRI and not having a work.. Ever...
I've been on 20mg of Fluoxetine for years now.
Anywho, last year I was visiting my mother (long time amphetamine user. Not meth, just regular speed). I was sitting there with my computer and a glass of coke. I went to the WC, then got back, emptied the glass of coke just to find that.. There was another glass of coke left. My mother then told me that "oh, that was my glass, well, you're going to feel great soon and you won't be able to shut up... Hope you don't need to get up early tomorrow."
Needless to say, after half an hour I became so incredibly calm and everything was just nice. I experienced two things I never once experienced in my life; empathy - I actually wanted to listen to people and hear what they had to say. Energy - The most magical feeling I ever experienced - I didn't yawn. My legs weren't super heavy. I actually felt like.. I WANTED to do stuff...
My mother was wrong on one count though, I was just calm, quiet and focused...
So. Half a year goes by and I actually get a job. Working 6 hours a day totally EXHAUSTS me. All of my free time is gone because with the job, I need at least 12 hours of sleep unless I want to actually fall asleep while working. Okay, so, I can do this for a while, sure...
But then, I find some people interested in my voice and it turns out these people are the most amazing bunch ever. So, now I've got a band as well. They are not ones to procrastinate and we rehearse 5 times a week. Going from scratch, writing songs and now we're doing live gigs as often as we can.
So how could I have the energy for both work and music? I am a highly creative person with an enormous potentional (and humility) in me. However, being as tired as I am, it's like a "lock" that keeps all my ideas and melodies at a safe distance from me.
After not more than a week I realized I was doing a crap job at my work with my boss informing me of this. I was not basically sleeping on the band rehearsals and I felt, what the HELL!?
So, I started doing speed.
My oh my!
The melodies I put into the songs are so amazing. The harmonies, the catchiness... The band were all amazed and just couldn't understand what just happened. I felt so happy because I actually found an outlet for everything I knew was inside me.
I did amphetamine daily. 0,2-0,3g doses. Not much at all - I wasn't after the euphoria. All I wanted was the feeling of not just wanting to lay in bed.
After 2 months I started experience the drawbacks. I got these tremors in my hands that didn't go away even if I didn't do speed for a few days. Not shaky enough for others to notice, but damn well shaky enough for me to realize I can't do this without knowing what's what. So I decided to quit and pursue a medical solution to my tiredness. I quit, felt like total utter crap for 5 days (with one suicide attempt - hey, I'm anonymous, right?), then started to feel a bit better. I went to the doctor, talked about what's what and took a blood and piss sample.
I get the answer; "everyone's tired.. I don't think anything's wrong with you.". Oh well, I tried...
After yet another week I realize I still can't handle both work and the band since it went downhill really fast again now and I was back to where I was before I started with speed.
So, I re-started with the amphetamine. This time around I've been eating alot healthier as well as supplying myself with daily doses of multivitamin and added Magnesiumcitrate. I also sleep better now.
But! The tremors and slight twitchyness (not as in tics, but as in unfluidity, motorically) are still there even though my speed doses are slightly lower than before.
I only use during work days. On my days off I rest at home, feel a bit crappy...
However, this is not how I want to live my life either. Let me tell you all one thing though; this life is many, MANY times better than my life ever before. Simply because I am doing something and I ENJOY doing something.
But with the pressure I put on myself to follow the pace that regular people follow, I find myself heavily burdened by my addiction and reliance on speed. Or, well, to say it better; I can not allow myself the twitchy, giddy, shaky way of a speed user. Drugs I have no problem with
Now what I am here for is to educate myself on how to... Balance life a bit better. As it is now I will not be able to stop amphetamine; not because of the addiction, but because of the fact that I need both my work and my band in order to survive and retain the feeling of moving forward, if only ever so slightly.
So I have a little list of things I wish to find out;
* How to lower/counter the tremors.
* How to not be as sluggish in thought (I have always been a witty and clever guy but as more side-effects appeared, as did I notice I wasn't as quick anymore.)
* How to optimize my speed rationing. (I've always set my dose after re-start at 0,2 at the start of each day. I never "up" it or re-dose. I want to minimize it as much as possible)
* Given the fact that I can not know the purity of my speed at each delivery, I must find a way to remove the dextrose from it.
* Find out how to re-stock on dopamin in an efficient way - my levels are very low to begin with (in our genes on my mothers side) and being constantly depleted is not optimal. This coupled with SSRI totally nullifying any effect serotonine release...
* Educate myself on how to balance physical excercise with speed (and in the end, in the best of worlds, substituting speed with excercise entirely.. We can dream right?)
I guess that's that... Oh, if anyone actually bothered reading the entire thing (xD) keep in mind; I eat healthier and more regular than I ever done in my life, I sleep every night.
/Janne
I'm in a bit a predicament right now and I hope that perhaps this is a good place to educate myself about this and that...
I've always been a very tired person without any... zest or life-lust at all, simply due to the singular reason of constantly wanting to sleep. No doctor have ever found out why I need more sleep or why I have never once in my life felt rested. This has been a problem since I was, like, 2 or 3 years old, I recall my mother telling me... This eventually led to depression, SSRI and not having a work.. Ever...
I've been on 20mg of Fluoxetine for years now.
Anywho, last year I was visiting my mother (long time amphetamine user. Not meth, just regular speed). I was sitting there with my computer and a glass of coke. I went to the WC, then got back, emptied the glass of coke just to find that.. There was another glass of coke left. My mother then told me that "oh, that was my glass, well, you're going to feel great soon and you won't be able to shut up... Hope you don't need to get up early tomorrow."
Needless to say, after half an hour I became so incredibly calm and everything was just nice. I experienced two things I never once experienced in my life; empathy - I actually wanted to listen to people and hear what they had to say. Energy - The most magical feeling I ever experienced - I didn't yawn. My legs weren't super heavy. I actually felt like.. I WANTED to do stuff...
My mother was wrong on one count though, I was just calm, quiet and focused...
So. Half a year goes by and I actually get a job. Working 6 hours a day totally EXHAUSTS me. All of my free time is gone because with the job, I need at least 12 hours of sleep unless I want to actually fall asleep while working. Okay, so, I can do this for a while, sure...
But then, I find some people interested in my voice and it turns out these people are the most amazing bunch ever. So, now I've got a band as well. They are not ones to procrastinate and we rehearse 5 times a week. Going from scratch, writing songs and now we're doing live gigs as often as we can.
So how could I have the energy for both work and music? I am a highly creative person with an enormous potentional (and humility) in me. However, being as tired as I am, it's like a "lock" that keeps all my ideas and melodies at a safe distance from me.
After not more than a week I realized I was doing a crap job at my work with my boss informing me of this. I was not basically sleeping on the band rehearsals and I felt, what the HELL!?
So, I started doing speed.
My oh my!
The melodies I put into the songs are so amazing. The harmonies, the catchiness... The band were all amazed and just couldn't understand what just happened. I felt so happy because I actually found an outlet for everything I knew was inside me.
I did amphetamine daily. 0,2-0,3g doses. Not much at all - I wasn't after the euphoria. All I wanted was the feeling of not just wanting to lay in bed.
After 2 months I started experience the drawbacks. I got these tremors in my hands that didn't go away even if I didn't do speed for a few days. Not shaky enough for others to notice, but damn well shaky enough for me to realize I can't do this without knowing what's what. So I decided to quit and pursue a medical solution to my tiredness. I quit, felt like total utter crap for 5 days (with one suicide attempt - hey, I'm anonymous, right?), then started to feel a bit better. I went to the doctor, talked about what's what and took a blood and piss sample.
I get the answer; "everyone's tired.. I don't think anything's wrong with you.". Oh well, I tried...
After yet another week I realize I still can't handle both work and the band since it went downhill really fast again now and I was back to where I was before I started with speed.
So, I re-started with the amphetamine. This time around I've been eating alot healthier as well as supplying myself with daily doses of multivitamin and added Magnesiumcitrate. I also sleep better now.
But! The tremors and slight twitchyness (not as in tics, but as in unfluidity, motorically) are still there even though my speed doses are slightly lower than before.
I only use during work days. On my days off I rest at home, feel a bit crappy...
However, this is not how I want to live my life either. Let me tell you all one thing though; this life is many, MANY times better than my life ever before. Simply because I am doing something and I ENJOY doing something.
But with the pressure I put on myself to follow the pace that regular people follow, I find myself heavily burdened by my addiction and reliance on speed. Or, well, to say it better; I can not allow myself the twitchy, giddy, shaky way of a speed user. Drugs I have no problem with
Now what I am here for is to educate myself on how to... Balance life a bit better. As it is now I will not be able to stop amphetamine; not because of the addiction, but because of the fact that I need both my work and my band in order to survive and retain the feeling of moving forward, if only ever so slightly.
So I have a little list of things I wish to find out;
* How to lower/counter the tremors.
* How to not be as sluggish in thought (I have always been a witty and clever guy but as more side-effects appeared, as did I notice I wasn't as quick anymore.)
* How to optimize my speed rationing. (I've always set my dose after re-start at 0,2 at the start of each day. I never "up" it or re-dose. I want to minimize it as much as possible)
* Given the fact that I can not know the purity of my speed at each delivery, I must find a way to remove the dextrose from it.
* Find out how to re-stock on dopamin in an efficient way - my levels are very low to begin with (in our genes on my mothers side) and being constantly depleted is not optimal. This coupled with SSRI totally nullifying any effect serotonine release...
* Educate myself on how to balance physical excercise with speed (and in the end, in the best of worlds, substituting speed with excercise entirely.. We can dream right?)
I guess that's that... Oh, if anyone actually bothered reading the entire thing (xD) keep in mind; I eat healthier and more regular than I ever done in my life, I sleep every night.
/Janne
