How can anyone live like this?

[JessFR]

I read somewhere that victims of child abuse often grow up with a distorted view of the world, born into a life where danger and/or pain are at every turn, we carry that into our adult lives in some way and thus triggering mental illness like depression, anxiety, or trauma symptoms. Maybe that's what's wrong with me, or maybe that's just reality and others are just too oblivious to see it, or don't care. I try to be a good person. I'm not perfect, I've hurt people and lost friends because of my addiction, and there is darkness deep in my soul. But I try to do right be people. All I see though, almost everywhere, is pain, people hurting each other for no good reason, even people I've tried to help hating me for it. It feels impossibly hard to both have your eyes open and also not feel the world is a horrible place. I just want to shoot myself up until I'm unconscious and be shielded from the worlds ugliness.

I can't be the only one. I try to be kind to everyone and have very few friends while other people seem to act horribly and are surrounded by people that like them. I may not be perfect but I apologize for my mistakes, that's all I ask of anyone, to recognize and be sorry for hurting others.

Does anyone else here feel like this? Is this reality or a distortion? I've been trying to get off drugs, my tolerance is so high that the cocoon from the world I seek grows more elusive while I remain a slave to opiates. The pain from withdrawal is bad enough, but I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. So little motive to get through it. Is it just that most people are too oblivious and unempathetic to other people to care? Tell me fellow bluelighters, what do you think?

There's a girl I know, I tried for years to help her, but she hates me. She hates me because I'm in a relationship with her ex, and she can't handle his time being taken from her. In our last conversation I begged her to remember that I would forgive and help her if she ever needed it and all she said to me was that I'm a worthless junkie that should have died in the street years ago. Yet she has so many more people who care about her than me. For years I've survived by assuming the world is bad and I'm the only one I can rely on. But I'm sick of feeling alone. I have my bf whom I love very much, the kindest person I've ever met, better than me, but I can see him crushed by the weight of the world too.

How do you do it?

 

[iDreamOfOpiates]

It seems as if when you see how truly FUCKED life is, there is no going back..

 

[Jabberwocky]

It seems as if when you see how truly FUCKED life is, there is no going back..

It's only fucked when your main focus is exploring the darkside and choosing to live in it. I know this sounds slack but I've lived with depression / anxiety my whole life and have had many suicide attempts. I don't think I chose to be this person but I've let myself become it.

 

[bladeerunner]

I'm a victim of child abuse, I've been heavily addicted to benzos and I've tried to kill my self several times. But now I have accepted my faith, as of this day my mental strength exceeds every fucking person I've ever met. Your nihilism is a realistic approach to todays society, at least you have partner who loves you. Just try to make some "right" choices every day, go for a walk, read some books, whatever gives you a sense of understanding your situation.

 

[Mrs.Grey]

I can 100% relate. I have been through the childhood abuse. Witnessed horrible things in my life. Developed PTSD, panic disorder and OCD. You are correct there are horrible things that happen in this life and sometimes treat each other horribly. I have been in that dark place where that is all that I could see. I promise you that there is still goodness and good people in this world.
Sometimes when your enveloped in darkness its hard to see the light. Its there! Look at this site, people who don't know each other reading post and responding to total strangers, just to be of some help and encouragement.
There are people who go out of their way everyday for others. You have to seek goodness out sometimes. Not everyone you help will appreciate it, understand it, or even except it. Its no less a good act, just because you don't witness the win. You helped this girl, you may not see a victory in that. Maybe its not for you to witness. Maybe years down the road she will acknowledge your help and friendship, and its just not for you to see. You have to let your goodness shine through that dark. Even good people make mistakes and some lessons in life are hard learned. I had to realize that sometimes in being good I would be hurt and that's OK. That helping I may not see the final outcome of my help or have it appreciated. That doing good may not have helped them but helped me. It helped my light shine a little brighter.
Don't get me wrong, I am by no means saying let people use you for the sake of helping. I am saying see the good in yourself, seek out the good in others, and surround yourself with loving people. No matter how small your circle is. Sometimes even the hero lives long enough to become the villain. Silly quote, but it applies. Even good people are flawed and hurt others. You just have to look for the good.

 

[herbavore]

Try not to compare your life to that of anyone else. It may appear that someone else has "lots of people that care about them" and yet it mightonly be popularity which often has nothing to do with true caring. Be kind in your life. Be truthful and dependable to your friends. Try not to let cynicism creep into your perceptions--this world is always equally cruel and miraculous. We can hold both these truths at the same time.The trick is to find balance so that you live neither in blind denial nor abject despair. Poetry helps me a lot. Also being in nature away from the human paradigm altogether. Bonding with animals and the earth itself is just as important as human relationships. Healing from a very cruel past takes particular courage and I commend you for everything you are doing.

 

[JessFR]

Thanks guys, you're right on several fronts. I'm not really alone, I just feel alone. In reality yes, I have my bf whom I love more than anyone. A handful of good friends whom are the closest I have to family. And yes, I suspect that girl I spoke of has far fewer true friends than she has friendly acquaintances. Her life long best friend is my lover whom she alienated in her mistaken belief that she would come before me if she gave her friend no other choice. I warned her many times that if she didn't find a way to live with my existence she would lose him. Which much as she's tried to make me hate her, I didn't want. I didn't want them to lose eachother, but she made her choice to continue hating me and attacking me in front of people and lost him because of it.

It's just really hard sometimes to focus on the good in the world when there's so much pain. In the news, here in blue light, and in people I care about. I seem to just have really bad luck. When I was little I was frequently told it was my fault I was being abused, and when you're a kid and you're told that over and over, you believe it. I don't believe I deserved what happened when I was little, because I don't believe any child deserves to be abused. But it's a mindset I've carried into adulthood. That everything's my fault and it's hard to break out of it. Especially since what logicly seems to be bad luck beyond my control seems to reinforce that the problem is me. She has lots of reasons she claims to hate me for, but logicly I know that the reality is she's found reasons to hate all the girlfriends who came before me. My pseudo mother in law hates me too, and again since she refuses to believe her actions alienated her from her son, she blames me instead. If i look rationally at it all, I know its just bad luck. But the ingrained mindset I have always says everything is my fault.

You're right though, there is good in the world, including here on blue light. I just have to try and keep that in mind. And keep trying to convince myself I'm not a bad person, because that was of thinking doesn't come naturally to me. And sometimes I fear that if I were happier I'd also be a worse person because of it, like that hating myself is what keeps me desperately trying to help people.