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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

How are you in one word ver. Feelings left between the pages

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plmar said:
^ Not banana with oatmeal? 8o
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hahaha!! I still had banana and oatmeal this morning=D

Omg that was sooo good!! I had sashimi, miso soup, chikuwa cheese and seafood salad. Don't worry I shared with my family so I didn't eat like a horse.
 
Bleeuuurghhhhh

Can't think of a better way of describing it than that. Angry at myself because I wanted to wake up at 9 but slept until 10, even though I have no reason to be up early. Am now lacking motivation to get off my arse and work. Going to go to the coffee shop and drink nice coffee and study, see if I can actually fit in some solid academia.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Bleeuuurghhhhh

Can't think of a better way of describing it than that. Angry at myself because I wanted to wake up at 9 but slept until 10, even though I have no reason to be up early. Am now lacking motivation to get off my arse and work. Going to go to the coffee shop and drink nice coffee and study, see if I can actually fit in some solid academia.
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Has rapidly descended in to utter shit. Time to get off my arse.
 
Shaky(metaphorically)

Going for my first day without alcohol in about nine months.

edit: Fuck it, gettting two beers. Will make the change after my exam on the 1st, need to stick to my body's current expectations and rhythms at the moment to keep it in check until I'm done with the exam when I can afford to deal with the consequences of fucking with them. I know this is excuse making to an extent but I would rather not risk it until I'm past the exam. I've cut down from a bottle of wine every night to two beers so at least I'm making progress.

Will celebrate doing my exam by having a day of no alcohol, and I'll be seeing my key worker the next day so I'll be able to share the good news with soomeone which will be nice.
 
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Lonely
I wish I had just one person I could just talk to in real life to about what happened, is happening to me and get some advice. I'm so glad Bluelight exists, it helps, thank you.

Omen, that's great what you are doing, cutting down and managing to handle your exams. I could not handle both! I hate the shakes that you're talking about. Good luck for your exams man.
 
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I wasn't talking about DTs, I meant it felt funny in my head. I haven't been drinking enough to result in physical dependance recently and I'm on a diazepam script so I wouldn't get them anyway. I'm barely managing, luckily I only have one. I had loads of coursework though which I've had to really stress to try and dig myself out of the shit with throughout the last semester whilst getting off the gear and reducing on diazepam. I've had some pretty difficult stuff with regards to housing/friendships/women going on as well which has made life difficult.

Just trying to push through and get a pass for the year then I can detox in the summer and start next year with a fresh head and hopefully being in control of my life. Luckily this is just first year and it doesn't count towards my final grade because I haven't given anywhere near an account reflective of what I am capable of. Truth be told I will be absolutely distraught if I don't get through this year and have fucked up university because of having relapsed again.:( I will feel totally lost and ashamed. I'm trying not to think like that though.

What's going on for you that is causing you such trouble? PM me if necessary. I'm sure that whatever it is there will be services you can access that will help you out 'in real life', it will just be a case of reaching out and engaging with them. That can be easier said than done sometimes though, I recognise that. I can relate to being lonely, I've alienated pretty much everyone around me that I know in the city I moved to for uni through my behaviour and I've been so tied up in trying to rescue my education that I've not really been able to start to put things right and try to engage with people again. I'm lucky in that I have such a solid core of people who care about me and tolerate me (and love me) despite my behaviour 'back home' where I grew up and in London.

Feel free to drop me a PM any time if you want to chat/vent/seek advice or anything like that. I can't guaruntee that I'll be of any use but I can assure you that I'll be a kind ear. Thanks for the kind words :)
 
mellow.

im in my robe, laying in bed with my book and a cup of coffee after an 8 hour long Saturday class. I go back for 8 more hour tomorrow. Tonight is going to consist of a candle-lit bath, a light dinner of veggies, hummus, and fruits, some restorative yoga, and more reading in my robe. i can't even be bothered with wearing clothing after the intensity of the day.
 
Alone.

I need your love. I need to cuddle. I just need one or two good night's and I'd be out of this funk for another 6 weeks. But you're distant. You're stressed too. I feel like I'm fighting this battle all alone and honestly if I'm only fighting for myself I don't give a shit if I fail or succeed. You gave me hope, you gave me a reason to endure. Now I only get a 5-10 minute window of that girl I feel so hard for each day. I don't know what to do. You say you love. You say everything is fine. I scream help....fucking help me....I don't wanna fight this fight alone. You say you're stressed, I'm taking things too personally. No matter what I do to beg for help the most I get is a kiss on the cheek and then it's back to the same stranger.

I'm really fucked. And my only friend doesn't seem to care any more. Maybe I'm too big of a headache. Maybe you're not in love with me like you used to be. Maybe it's all in my head. It doesn't matter. Just please do something. Show me you care by actually doing something. You can't leave me to do this on my own. Why would I wanna fight this battle if I'm not sure whether or not you'll be waiting for me at the end? I don't doubt you love me, I just wonder if it's enough to get you off your ass?

You have no idea how frustrating it is to work 2 weeks every day in row and have to handle every aspect of regular life too. Like if you care at all about me, for fucks sake at least get out of bed to do something that isn't shoplifting. Do something around the house. Just once, maybe once, keep a promise. If you say you're gonna do something do it. You can't put everything off until tomorrow and then get pissed when the next day rolls around and I ask about it.

I guess this is my punishment. This is how I treated every girlfriend ever before you. Now I'm madly in love with someone who can't be bothered to do chores, they can't keep their word and they're only sweet when they're getting what they want. I don't know but it can't stay like this forever. Even worse, I feel like you'd rather lose me than step up just a little it and handle your business. It fucking breaks my heart every day but I'm so busy with work and life that I've just recently realized it. I can't go on like this. I tell you this and you tell me not to worry, that'll it'll get sorted out tomorrow but tomorrow never comes.

I fucking hope you read this and realize I'm at the end of my rope before you actually find me some dat at the end of a rope. Just do something, please? I'm not asking for much, do the dishes, let me fuck you and then a nice cuddle session would blow my mind.
 
Confused

Some shit really doesn't make sense.
I have depressing dreams then I wake up and I can't tell whether it was a dream or reality. This happen to anyone else?
 
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