This here novel might better go in TDS. Mods move it if it's better there.
Four years ago, I was in first year university. The year was rough; I was abusing drugs as a crutch and I also cut myself a bit. This never happened before.
I was in a music class, and a girl sent me a note saying she liked my clothes and asking me if I wanted to be in a band. I took this, wrongly, as a bit of a come on and engaged this girl in some conversation.
We hit it off right away, albeit as friends. She told me she was a lesbian, and I took it at face value. Soon, we were getting very close. She'd call me over because she had her own problems. She'd want to smoke pot, and play video games. She'd start to ask me to cuddle and to sleep in her bed with her because she was lonely (no kissing sex stuff though we'd occasionally end up in really suggestive positions and obviously in states of undress).
As things progressed, we leaned on each other increasingly. One night she was talking about suicide and I stayed with her until she calmed down. She began giving me little suggestions. I should listen better. She knew I had this longstanding crush on a girl named L who she was now friends with through me. She told me that that L had told her that she only really wanted to see me once a month, but would never say it to my face. L denies this, but I didn't ask L at the time for obvious reasons.
Things started to unravel in second year. I'd really taken a bit of a liking to this girl but obviously would never do anything. Suddenly she was dating a guy. She would continue to date men for as long as I knew her after that. I felt very oddly betrayed, because rather than rejecting me outright when I originally told her I had a bit of a thing for her, she just told me she didn't like guys.
She started to increase her suggestions about a "certain russian girl" (L). I was starting to wonder if L was actually saying any of this stuff. She'd get mad at me for texting a lot, but then got mad when she texted me and I was (legitimately) not available. Her friend had been date raped and she really held it against me that I wasn't there to comfort her, even though I was literally in class and didn't have my phone on.
Finally, she got this weird idea in her head that she was gonna make a film and started asking me to talk honestly about stuff in her life. I mentioned feeling confused about the boyfriend thing, and realizing that I still was a bit attracted to her. She freaked the hell out on me, and we got into a huge, stupid Facebook argument.
After that we weren't on good terms. One time I got invited out to a small mutual gathering and she very openly refused to talk to me, in front of everyone. I just wanted to be civil, but I was deeply embarrassed. She wouldn't have known any of the people there were it not for me, yet I felt totally isolated from them.
Later on she invited me out, and gave me a really huge verbal lashing. Everything from me playing my own music choices too much (legit, admittedly) to her bringing up more damn stuff about L, to telling me that there was a reason why all my friendships went sour (they didn't, but confirmation bias made this seem legit).
Finally, she brought up our relationship in first year. She said she was in a bad place and that it was weird that we slept in beds together (Her idea!). She said we were too close and that it was totally wrong. I didn't feel totally comfortable with how close we were but I at least felt like I tried to be there for her. She totally tore me apart emotionally by saying that stuff, it's hard to explain how. It was like the weakest point, because I really did care, and she was implying I was a bad friend for it.
I told her that if she didn't want to be friends, then that was fine. She didn't seem to like that response. She seemed shocked; It seemed pretty rational to me. I took everything she said to heart, though. I stopped calling any friends consecutively. To this day I can't. I'm terrible with sleepovers, even with people I'm sleeping with, it's hard for me to do it anymore.
Periodically she'd call me back up and apologize, saying she was totally wrong and that she wanted to make it up to me. She'd then proceed to usually invite me to a party, compliment me a lot, then go around and tell me all sorts of bad things about me the people at the party apparently said behind my back. I don't know why, but again I trusted her. I didn't understand it at all, everyone I was meeting who seemed so awesome apparently didn't like me because I spoke too often, or didn't listen, or whatever. The same stuff that this girl had been bugging me about for years. Yet… only she had ever said anything. I didn't think of that at the time.
Eventually she texted me, now sometime in fourth year as I'd distanced myself from her a lot, saying she wanted to see me and apologize. At this point I didn't really have any desire to see her, but I bit and then she cancelled the day of. I never spoke to her again.
Since knowing her, I've heard a lot of other people's sides of things she said and they just don't totally line up. I get two versions of the same night that don't match at all. Sometimes when she told me she took my side, I find out that she joined in denigrating me in front of people. Years of constant nagging about me that I took at face value, and yet I don't think any of it was more than what she didn't like about me. But the fact that she was manipulating me for whatever reason isn't really up for question here. I was very vulnerable and got taken advantage of. Over and over. Alright. It's not like I've never done extremely shitty things to friends.
What gets me is that since then, I feel like people seldom represent more to me than ideas. They are situations. People come and go and it doesn't affect me at all because I only care about them in so far as they exist within my consciousness. Rarely am I worried for a friend, and when I am I can barely manifest that feeling tangibly.
I read diary entries from back in first year. They were so full of emotion and empathy I was shocked. There, writing to no one in particular, I detailed real emotional connections to people I knew, even people I wasn't that close to. I cared about and actually liked other people. I can't tell if I still actually feel that way like... ever.
I feel as though, perhaps, my skin's grown too thick. I've actually forgotten how to love. Worse yet, I feel as though maybe this is a way of seeing people as extensions of myself - like this experience has forced me to adopt some of this girl's narcissistic traits.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Mainly just losing a lot of that connection to other people you once were able to have?
Four years ago, I was in first year university. The year was rough; I was abusing drugs as a crutch and I also cut myself a bit. This never happened before.
I was in a music class, and a girl sent me a note saying she liked my clothes and asking me if I wanted to be in a band. I took this, wrongly, as a bit of a come on and engaged this girl in some conversation.
We hit it off right away, albeit as friends. She told me she was a lesbian, and I took it at face value. Soon, we were getting very close. She'd call me over because she had her own problems. She'd want to smoke pot, and play video games. She'd start to ask me to cuddle and to sleep in her bed with her because she was lonely (no kissing sex stuff though we'd occasionally end up in really suggestive positions and obviously in states of undress).
As things progressed, we leaned on each other increasingly. One night she was talking about suicide and I stayed with her until she calmed down. She began giving me little suggestions. I should listen better. She knew I had this longstanding crush on a girl named L who she was now friends with through me. She told me that that L had told her that she only really wanted to see me once a month, but would never say it to my face. L denies this, but I didn't ask L at the time for obvious reasons.
Things started to unravel in second year. I'd really taken a bit of a liking to this girl but obviously would never do anything. Suddenly she was dating a guy. She would continue to date men for as long as I knew her after that. I felt very oddly betrayed, because rather than rejecting me outright when I originally told her I had a bit of a thing for her, she just told me she didn't like guys.
She started to increase her suggestions about a "certain russian girl" (L). I was starting to wonder if L was actually saying any of this stuff. She'd get mad at me for texting a lot, but then got mad when she texted me and I was (legitimately) not available. Her friend had been date raped and she really held it against me that I wasn't there to comfort her, even though I was literally in class and didn't have my phone on.
Finally, she got this weird idea in her head that she was gonna make a film and started asking me to talk honestly about stuff in her life. I mentioned feeling confused about the boyfriend thing, and realizing that I still was a bit attracted to her. She freaked the hell out on me, and we got into a huge, stupid Facebook argument.
After that we weren't on good terms. One time I got invited out to a small mutual gathering and she very openly refused to talk to me, in front of everyone. I just wanted to be civil, but I was deeply embarrassed. She wouldn't have known any of the people there were it not for me, yet I felt totally isolated from them.
Later on she invited me out, and gave me a really huge verbal lashing. Everything from me playing my own music choices too much (legit, admittedly) to her bringing up more damn stuff about L, to telling me that there was a reason why all my friendships went sour (they didn't, but confirmation bias made this seem legit).
Finally, she brought up our relationship in first year. She said she was in a bad place and that it was weird that we slept in beds together (Her idea!). She said we were too close and that it was totally wrong. I didn't feel totally comfortable with how close we were but I at least felt like I tried to be there for her. She totally tore me apart emotionally by saying that stuff, it's hard to explain how. It was like the weakest point, because I really did care, and she was implying I was a bad friend for it.
I told her that if she didn't want to be friends, then that was fine. She didn't seem to like that response. She seemed shocked; It seemed pretty rational to me. I took everything she said to heart, though. I stopped calling any friends consecutively. To this day I can't. I'm terrible with sleepovers, even with people I'm sleeping with, it's hard for me to do it anymore.
Periodically she'd call me back up and apologize, saying she was totally wrong and that she wanted to make it up to me. She'd then proceed to usually invite me to a party, compliment me a lot, then go around and tell me all sorts of bad things about me the people at the party apparently said behind my back. I don't know why, but again I trusted her. I didn't understand it at all, everyone I was meeting who seemed so awesome apparently didn't like me because I spoke too often, or didn't listen, or whatever. The same stuff that this girl had been bugging me about for years. Yet… only she had ever said anything. I didn't think of that at the time.
Eventually she texted me, now sometime in fourth year as I'd distanced myself from her a lot, saying she wanted to see me and apologize. At this point I didn't really have any desire to see her, but I bit and then she cancelled the day of. I never spoke to her again.
Since knowing her, I've heard a lot of other people's sides of things she said and they just don't totally line up. I get two versions of the same night that don't match at all. Sometimes when she told me she took my side, I find out that she joined in denigrating me in front of people. Years of constant nagging about me that I took at face value, and yet I don't think any of it was more than what she didn't like about me. But the fact that she was manipulating me for whatever reason isn't really up for question here. I was very vulnerable and got taken advantage of. Over and over. Alright. It's not like I've never done extremely shitty things to friends.
What gets me is that since then, I feel like people seldom represent more to me than ideas. They are situations. People come and go and it doesn't affect me at all because I only care about them in so far as they exist within my consciousness. Rarely am I worried for a friend, and when I am I can barely manifest that feeling tangibly.
I read diary entries from back in first year. They were so full of emotion and empathy I was shocked. There, writing to no one in particular, I detailed real emotional connections to people I knew, even people I wasn't that close to. I cared about and actually liked other people. I can't tell if I still actually feel that way like... ever.
I feel as though, perhaps, my skin's grown too thick. I've actually forgotten how to love. Worse yet, I feel as though maybe this is a way of seeing people as extensions of myself - like this experience has forced me to adopt some of this girl's narcissistic traits.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Mainly just losing a lot of that connection to other people you once were able to have?
