Hopeful to recover. Need support. Coke and opiate addict!

[1PlaneJane]

Admin-please move if there's a better place for my essay.

This is my first post. About me. I've been addicted to opiates since I had my first bottle of vicaden at about 23 years of age. I know this because I found myself taking the two pills every 4 hours up until I finished my script and called in for more which I was denied. Ever since then, I'd try to get some from anyone that mention having it.

Thankfully I didn't know that people sold prescriptions until I was about 28. The year prior to that, a girl at work was getting her friends pain management scripts. I had two surgeries in the time frame in which I get refills on my meds. Coke came into my life at 29 just after my I was ordered to pay mental health their of an ex-H was awarded 4.5 years of spousal support, pay towards student loans the same amount of time, and pay him $16 grand in before the divorce would finalize while he continued to sponge off others.

I got to keep my house that was upside down by about $175 grand (fortunately the HELOC wasn't closed yet and was able to pay ex with it), keep physical custody of my daughters but pay $1250 in child care that I had never had to pay. I also started buying vicaden and norcos, drinking daily, and smoking canabis soon after he moved out. I was having to pull from savings just to pay monthly bills. Well alcohol,weed, and coke became daily friends when I'd get lonely at night after my kids were in bed. I blew through over $20 grand over the next year and a half and could no longer pay bills, mortgages, spousal, and child care if I was going to pay bills and feed my girls and I. I started blowing about a 1/2 to 2/4 ounces of coke and drinking before and after work and whole weekends when their dad would have them over about a year after losing house.

I met my now husband when using like this. I kept him in the dark about the coke as he was so clean. My anxiety ended up through the roof while I was hiding this. Rather that tell him, I managed to drop coke which led to me drinking even more and graduating to snorting oxys to continue functioning.

My opiate use has been ongoing since then besides the couple months I was taking 3 8 mg Suboxone strips after my unsuccessful back surgery. When I ran out after tapering to 1-2 mg daily, the withdrawals were so awful that I ended back taking about 15 norcos twice daily to keep out of withdrawal. As I started making better connects, I was taking any opiates I could get to keep from being sick. I finally found a less expensive connect to methadone. I was taking 12 10 mg tablets daily about two years ago and have weaned down to 3 a day as of this month.

I stayed off the coke ever 5 years and married the man I secretly quit for. My back flaired again after my boss refused to allow the work restrictions about two months ago and has me down in every sense. Well, my sister and 25 year old nephew were over swimming 4 weeks ago. I ended up drinking with them and was in the house with him and he offered me a line. I thought I probably shouldn't as I pictured myself using it and agreed.

We had about three sometime mid day. Six or seven hours later I called him to bring me a gram for myself after my husband went to bed. I have been using 2.5 8 balls a week since besides this past weekend when I took a day and a half break after giving myself a gnarly sinus infection. This has got to stop before I end up getting caught by my husband or daughter and hurting my family. I could use help and encouragement,replies and I'm open to help via pm.

I grew up to meth addicted parent and promised myself to do better for my family. I told you how I ended up and one brother coke addict and alcoholic, and my other two siblings are also alcoholics. I know first hand what a raid does to kids. I've got chronic back pain and mental health issues for as long as I can remember. I just want to be clean and living with my family.


What should I kick first? Tips?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'd focus on the cocaine first myself. Find people you can reach out to IRL (or at least one person, could be your partner or someone else, doesn't matter as long as they're supportive and understanding).

Are you interested in looking into some kind(s) of formal treatment for the drug and/or mental health stuff, or interested on doing it as much as possible yourself right now?

How do you feel about talking to your husband about this? I have a feeling he'd be touched.

 

[1PlaneJane]

Thank you for your response. I'd like to do this myself as much as possible.

Thankfully, I've held down a job for 18 plus years. I mentioned in my original post that I had a failed back surgery. Well, that was 1/14 and my Div Manager only honored my work restrictions for about 7 months and over the last 2 years my condition worsened and I'm off work until at least June 30. I have considered telling my husband and decides against it. He was raised in the Mormon church and he'd be SO disappointed in me. Possibly angry. When I checked myself out of a 90 day rehab in 2010, he wasn't pleased. He told me then that he won't keep on doing this with me and I had to stay clean.

 

[1PlaneJane]

Oh, I forgot to mention that I've been telling myself this will be your last eight and even gave myself the date of 5/25. I bought two since with the last time being yesterday. I'm now disgusted with myself. Well, my nephew is selling to me. I told him then about how I was feeling and my previous coke use and how I'd quit and got to wear I was taking 2-3 methadones only. He was going cut me off then and then he told me that he's going to taper what he's going to sell me. Next bag 2.5 grams and then .5 grams less each subsequent until I quit or his tapered selling was 0. His fiancé offered to talk with me and I could call her. My nephew said the same. I do feel comfortable talking with them and they know a lot about my issues. I'm not so sure that's a good idea though. I want to set the example and then support and encourage his to get off dope. That progression started from having a morphine pump for 5 months after a 35 ft fall. I'm reading others testament and journals daily now that I've found BlueLight. It's helpful and I'm realizing now that I need to turn my self hate into positive and encouraging self talk when all I can think about is coke when I'm getting low and coke's the only thing on my mind.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Tapering isn't necessary with cocaine, and in some regards not at all a good idea. Given the nature of cocaine, doing more cocaine - even if it's less of it - can keep the cravings for cocaine alive. It's one of those drugs that is best stopped CT (though CT doesn't really apply to cocaine, as tapering something like cocaine isn't necessary).

Please try to be gentle with yourself in this. It will be much, much harder doing this having to hide it from your husband. Please work on finding at least one person IRL you can talk about this openly and feel safe doing so. A therapist is always a good option, though finding a good one can be challenging.

Basically I'm suggesting that dealing with what you're dealing with right now is best approached by working with other people. Now, that doesn't mean you can't do it on your own either - in fact I'd only suggest working with people who support you doing it as much as possible on your own. It is just going to be really tough hiding your early recovery from your spouse.

Recovery is infinitely harder, if not next to impossible for some people (I'm not saying necessarily you, just some people), when they feel they have to keep it a secret from those they are closest with.

I mean, chances are you husband has noticed something is going on (or at some other point will), so the more you can do for yourself now to demonstrate to him the seriousness of your endeavors and commitment to yourself and your recovery will probably be very useful not only in helping you recovery but also at dealing with him should the need ever arise.

 

[1PlaneJane]

Last night and this morning I've continued going through threads and found the "Mindfulness" thread you posted. I ordered "The Mindful Way Through Depeession" full book as well as "The Mindful Way 8 Week Workbook." The samples of different excerts made a lot of sense. I remember the horrible thoughts that accompanied dropping the coke the first time and I think working the workbook and staying plugged in here may be really helpful to get me through the rough beginning.

Has anyone read this book or worked through the workbook? Since I do have time off right now, I need to use this time to help myself rather that as an excuse to keep myself numb as I've been doing for the last month.

Will energy drinks be helpful in getting some energy to function in the meantime?

My husband is fully aware of my struggles with mental health so he'd be happy to see me working that aspect. Any other tips to get through cravings, deep depression, and sheer exhaustion associated with dropping coke after a month long binge?

 

[Reanimator13]

Exercise has helped me alot during my morphine taper. You need to do enough though to get the endorphin kick. Its going to be hard though. The last thing anyone usually wants to do when they are feeling like crap is exercise. Once you get that natural buzz you may realize the extra pain is worth it. Went though a meth / coke phase 30 or so years ago. Found the coke easy to quit and the meth much harder.

R13

Last night and this morning I've continued going through threads and found the "Mindfulness" thread you posted. I ordered "The Mindful Way Through Depeession" full book as well as "The Mindful Way 8 Week Workbook." The samples of different excerts made a lot of sense. I remember the horrible thoughts that accompanied dropping the coke the first time and I think working the workbook and staying plugged in here may be really helpful to get me through the rough beginning.

Has anyone read this book or worked through the workbook? Since I do have time off right now, I need to use this time to help myself rather that as an excuse to keep myself numb as I've been doing for the last month.

Will energy drinks be helpful in getting some energy to function in the meantime?

My husband is fully aware of my struggles with mental health so he'd be happy to see me working that aspect. Any other tips to get through cravings, deep depression, and sheer exhaustion associated with dropping coke after a month long binge?

 

[1PlaneJane]

Exercise has helped me alot during my morphine taper. You need to do enough though to get the endorphin kick. Its going to be hard though. The last thing anyone usually wants to do when they are feeling like crap is exercise. Once you get that natural buzz you may realize the extra pain is worth it. Went though a meth / coke phase 30 or so years ago. Found the coke easy to quit and the meth much harder.

R13

Today is my quit day. Had about a 1/3 gram left and finished it about six hours ago. I keep daydreaming about it so I practice mindful breathing and move on. Decided to smoke some bud and getting ready to go for dinner with my two younger girl, hubby, and MIL. Wish me well. I will focus breathing when needed and enjoy the moment to try to stay out of my head. I'm so over it! Your testament to quitting gave me the just a bit more confidence that I need to leave it alone. Thank you R3.

 

[1PlaneJane]

I'm hanging in there.

It's been about 24 hours since I've indulged in the "white lady." I'm ok at the moment, just tired, crabby, and noticing the damage it's done inside my nose. It's pretty sore today. I'm going on a movie date with my husband in a couple hours. I've had some nasty thoughts going through my head and I've caught myself several times. Reminding myself why I am here and how much better I really feel when coke is not part of my life has helped in addition to good sleep.

 

[1PlaneJane]

Rough night...

Well, my family is all cozy in bed and I'm stirring about the house like crazy. I can't get my mind right and want to call a beg for a delivery. It's redidulous. I'm going to try to calm myself with some weed and try to actually hear the words of the tv today. I watched Wonder Woman and the theater and The Shack before everyone else went to bed. I felt ok most of that time. The night has not been as kind to me....

 

[1PlaneJane]

Trying to be mindful...

After sitting with myself for a bit, I'm trying to practice being mindful and sitting with myself and trying to process my thoughts and cause for anxiety. I've needed to open my eyes and notice that I'm running and doing everything in my power to not feel since I've been sidelined with my back. It scares the crap out of me.

I'm also really hurt right now by my mother and I'm struggling with how to proceed. My oldest is graduating high school next week (let's call oldest C1)and heading off to the navy 6/21. I will be dealing with my mom during this time. I also have to share an event with C1 and C2 bio dad(ex-h). The way he finiancially drained me and then ditched his children aside for a few times per year still makes my blood boil.I don't want to be the source of more drama during the life milestones.

Every time I start thinking about it I'm noticing my heart start racing and I can't sit still. That's when I have been running to the bathroom and feeling "better" which I'm obviously not. I don't want to be high either. I'm glad I've got this documented because I did send a text before I came back here. As soon as I got to typing, I just put my phone on "do not disturb." I'll come back to read these words and fight another day.

I'm going to the the dones and 3 tablets tomorrow. I had 2.5 the last 2 days and I'm not doing myself any favors on strength by doing that right now. I battle at a time and I should be able to maintain my composure for my kid's big events.

 

[Chomper X]

I am brand new and not even sure that I am in the right spot. I am 48 and JUST became an addict. Need to get this bitch monkey off my back!

 

[1PlaneJane]

I am brand new and not even sure that I am in the right spot. I am 48 and JUST became an addict. Need to get this bitch monkey off my back!

I'm not doing chicken myself Chomp. I'll be 39 in a couple months and find myself in my situation. I'm also brand new here. I'm trying to get myself there though. I went 48 hours before getting another sack this afternoon. I will keep on working on getting my head right until I succeed. My family deserves better and I can do better.

Feel free to share your story right here. I'd be glad to read it.

 

[simco]

I am brand new and not even sure that I am in the right spot. I am 48 and JUST became an addict. Need to get this bitch monkey off my back!

What kind of drugs are in the picture, Chomper? It would also be helpful if you told us a little more about your habit...things like how much per day, route of administration, etc. Any details can improve the suggestions folks give you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You're doing great 1PlaneJane. Keep up the good work!

 

[Nomasfent]

TPD i am wondering what is the difference in cocaine to other opoids ..i feel so dumb is cocaine a opioid? And why is it better to CT ? Does it get out of your system quicker? I have only done cocaine like 2 or 3 times in my life...


1planejane i am rooting for you i am about 3 months into a fentanyl taper... its hard some days are pretty good and some days just plain suck ...today is a sucky day gotta pull myself together my kids and i are getting out teeth cleaned today then i have gum surgery on thursday and i am very anxious about that ughhh... why cant this be easier runs through my head often...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Cocaine is an entirely different type of drug from opioids. Unlike opioids, cocaine is a stimulant with powerful euphoric properties. There is no comparable physical dependency with cocaine as there is with opioids (or alcohol for instance), however cravings for cocaine can be even more challenging than with opioids.

 

[1PlaneJane]

Method of Delivery

Thank you TPD and Nomas for your support and encouragement first and foremost. The timing is great as I'm not feeling too good about myself right now, especially after yesterday.

Anyway, I was just reflecting again. I was thinking about my history of pain pill use. I always enjoyed the euphoria of them as I'm sure most, if not all do if they've abused them. What I am now connecting is that I'd taken them orally up to mid 2014. I began pain management for my back a couple months after giving birth to my youngest in 2012 and was supplementing my prescribed meds until my doctor got my prescriptions high enough to keep me out of withdrawal. Taking them orally I was able to wean myself down significantly and was selling the rest. After my failed back surgery, I needed to take them all for pain while I recovered and once the depression set in after realizing my fate on long term chronic pain, I started taking my 15 mg oxy's nasally on top of 60 mg morphine SR twice a day. My pain doctor started reducing my scripts as new legislation was coming through and that's when I started with the dones. I wanted to clean up to get back to work and agreed to go with the Suboxone route. I don't think my doctor was all the rehearsed in administering it and told me no meds after midnight the night before and no morphine the night before. I was given my first strip to take in his office around 8:30 am after taking about 12 dones the day before with last tablet taken about 10 pm the night before. Within about 45 minutes the withdrawals started while I was driving home. My skin was hurting and I almost crapped on myself stopping at a couple gas stations to relieve myself. I continued getting worse for about an hour and was the sickest I've ever been. I called the doctor and he had me take more. After a couple months on 16 mg I realized that the subs were cause of me feeling terrible so my doctor wrote out a 3 day taper for me and I was sick. That's when I cut up my strips and found relief. I felt normal and I thought I was going to beat it. Well, I ran out and after a couple days was getting sick again and feeling all my back pain. To get well the fastest way possible, I bought some dones and up the nose, I was out of pain. I haven't taken them orally since then up to a month ago when I got the coke.

Now while I'm addicted to these substances, I think I'm mentally addicted to the process of crushing the substance and insufflating them about as much as the substances. I guess I've felt good every time I've done it.

Have others felt this way about the process will either pills or other drugs taken this way before they cleaned up?

I will not take another pill this way. It's too much "reward" for habits I wish to put behind me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yup, when I fantasize about drug use the ritual is a big part of what makes the fantasy enjoyable (as it always ends right before the drugs take effect anyways - it is only fantasy after all).

Insulfation was always involved my favorite drug using ritual. Distancing yourself from your preferred ROA (if it's not oral I mean) can actually make the process you're going through a bit easier. Distancing yourself to any degree from past harmful patterns of drug use is never a bad thing.