Mental Health Homeless and hopeless

[All the tacos]

I recently became homeless in a sort of voluntary kind of way. I am working and make pretty good money. I have also been off of all drugs for a couple of years. The depression is what i am having trouble with at the moment. I have purposely pushed everyone away due to trust issues. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and have had several failed suicide attemps. When i was using meth i would push my limits and shoot large doses because i just didnt care about my life.
Lately i have been having trouble controling my thoughts and have thought about trying heroin.
At this point in my life i feel that i have no purpose in life and i cant shake this depression.
I dont want to feel this way but the bottom is all i know.
I have a membership to planet fitness where i can shower but the anxiety keeps me from going on a daily basis and i will go a week sometimes without showering. Luckily my job is a dirty job and i can get away with looking like shit .
I feel like im slipping and i dont really know what to do to pull myself out of this depression.
I dont believe in pharmaceuticals because they take away my personality and i feel like a zombie and cant focus. By talking to me in person you would never know that i cry myself to sleep most nights wishing tomorrow never comes

 

[0.o_LaCuNa_o.0]

Ever think about trying weed instead as a psychological boost?

 

[acklac7]

There's hope for the hopeless. Stay strong. Stay positive. I can help, if need be. Hang in there my friend, hang in there...

 

[All the tacos]

Ever think about trying weed instead as a psychological boost?

I used to be a daily smoker and made my own edibles to help me sleep, but i have to take random UA so give it up for awhile

 

[December Flower]

I am a little bit confused, and that's when people usually think I get offensive,
so excuse me if I'm trying to walk on eggshells a bit.

You make good money, but you live on the streets voluntarily,
you suffer from depression. You have isolated yourself from other humans.

Ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?
First come physiological needs, then security, then belongings and relationships, then esteem and lastly self-actualization.
You are denying yourself the security of living in safety. If that security is not granted, you will not be able to fill your other needs further down the chain.
Part of your depression, a large part maybe, is very likely stemming from you removing basic human needs from your life in order to protect yourself from hurt, but with the same motion ridding yourself of things we need to be "fulfilled" and happy.

I can only urge you to grant yourself those basic human needs. I am confident your situation would at least improve

I hope I have not offended you, or started a Civil War on the Bahamas.

 

[0.o_LaCuNa_o.0]

Yeah, I'm kinda confused about the "Make good money" & homeless part. A cheap ass apartment even if it's in a ghetto is better than living on the street...

 

[All the tacos]

Yeah, I'm kinda confused about the "Make good money" & homeless part. A cheap ass apartment even if it's in a ghetto is better than living on the street...

Ill explain a bit. I was living in a ghetto as appartment next to a drunk po3ce of shit and reached out to a friend to find ne a house for rent. He messaged me about a month later asking if i was ready to move so i jumped on the oppertunity without looking at the house first. After moving all my stuff in that night come to find out the next day that the house was condemned. I couldnt even turn on electricity in the middle of summer. There was no running water and the roof leaked bad everytime it rained. Not even a toilet to shit in. The owner didnt bother fixing anything properly and expected me to sign a lease so i dipped. Put all my shit in storage and moved into my van. Better than sleeping on the street at least. I am able to save money but it seems to be one thing after another these last few years.

 

[0.o_LaCuNa_o.0]

Ill explain a bit. I was living in a ghetto as appartment next to a drunk po3ce of shit and reached out to a friend to find ne a house for rent. He messaged me about a month later asking if i was ready to move so i jumped on the oppertunity without looking at the house first. After moving all my stuff in that night come to find out the next day that the house was condemned. I couldnt even turn on electricity in the middle of summer. There was no running water and the roof leaked bad everytime it rained. Not even a toilet to shit in. The owner didnt bother fixing anything properly and expected me to sign a lease so i dipped. Put all my shit in storage and moved into my van. Better than sleeping on the street at least. I am able to save money but it seems to be one thing after another these last few years.

So you're not really homeless, just living in your van... Okay. Why don't you try and get an apartment again?

And about the heroin, I'm guessing you're in the U.S, street heroin there is extremely poor quality and usually cut up with fent and other dangerous garbage... I don't really think it's worth the risk. Plus are you ready at this stage to take on another habit that's going to cost you financially?

 

[Robi]

Ill explain a bit. I was living in a ghetto as appartment next to a drunk po3ce of shit and reached out to a friend to find ne a house for rent. He messaged me about a month later asking if i was ready to move so i jumped on the oppertunity without looking at the house first. After moving all my stuff in that night come to find out the next day that the house was condemned. I couldnt even turn on electricity in the middle of summer. There was no running water and the roof leaked bad everytime it rained. Not even a toilet to shit in. The owner didnt bother fixing anything properly and expected me to sign a lease so i dipped. Put all my shit in storage and moved into my van. Better than sleeping on the street at least. I am able to save money but it seems to be one thing after another these last few years.

van life

 

[Jerry Atrick]

So you're not really homeless, just living in your van... Okay. Why don't you try and get an apartment again?

@0.o_LaCuNa_o.0 I'm not trying to argue with you here but according to the 2020 Annual Homelessness Assessment Report (AHAR) to Congress, the definition of unsheltered homeless is as follows:

Unsheltered Homelessness refers to people whose primary nighttime location is a public or private place not designated for, or ordinarily used as, a regular sleeping accommodation for people (for example, the streets, vehicles, or parks).

And about the heroin, I'm guessing you're in the U.S, street heroin there is extremely poor quality and usually cut up with fent and other dangerous garbage... I don't really think it's worth the risk. Plus are you ready at this stage to take on another habit that's going to cost you financially?

100% agreed ^^

@All the tacos We don't know in what city you live but if I were in your situation, I would seek out social services (psychiatric hospitals, mental health clinics, medical clinics for people of low income, etc) and try to find a Supportive Housing program. They have them in my city. They are apartments, sometimes converted from out-of-use hotels, and are used to house people cycling out of homelessness. The ones I'm familiar with charge rent on a sliding scale based on income. They are SRO (single room occupancy) units, which is just a fancy word for studio or efficiency units. Very small but it's a roof over your head, kitchen, shower, and shitter. It's all based on income. I've seen the same size unit rented out to one person for $100/month and another person for $400/month just because they had a better job. Or $0/month if one is unemployed. I'm sorry you are going through this right now but there should be a way out depending on where you are located.

 

[Kellsee]

Hey buddy! I am so sorry this is what your experienxe has been. I just want you to feel peace right now. Even if it's just while reading my post. Please know you have absolutely nothing to prove to me. You will not have to explain your past to me. I will not become concerned about what you could have done. I just know that you are hurting. I am pretty sure you already realize that we don't have all the answers. I think just receiving some understanding and feeling some genuine empathy would have the most potential of giving you some hope. My advice would be to determine where you have control at. Focus on that and let go of the rest. That's where your power lies. Then search for the purpose involved. It's a start. Maybe change some of your perspectives. Sometimes mindset determines more than youd think. Don't waste your energy on people that aint even trying to hear you. I am sure what you've shared probably isnt even a drop in the bucket of everything you really been thru. But those that have never been this vulnerable cant even fathom what this view looks.like from the bottom. But its all for a reason and there truly is a purpose involved somehow. Better days are ahead my friend. The one benefit of being in this position gives you is the value it can add to your character. But you'll never find that out if you get lost in the bitterness produced by the lack of empathy you're gonna receive from a lot of people. You gotta learn to love them too. No ones perfect. We all grow and learn in different variables. But we all do each have a purpose.

It's hard for me to have discussions like this without getting into what most label as religion talk. But Jesus aint at church. He had to leave because all they wamted to do was keep crucifying Him. When He said it was finished He meant it. His grace carries us ALLLLLL. Not just those that show face on Sundays.

Trust me cause I got no lies to tell ya. I am an open book and already know I am wrecked. I am a hot mess and dont claim any different. But that's also how I know how good that grace is lol
I truly hope you find what you need to thrive amd be happy. I really mean that❤

 

[acklac7]

So you're not really homeless, just living in your van... Okay. Why don't you try and get an apartment again?

I’m not sure of OP’s history, but Felonies and a poor credit rating can make it easier-said-than-done to obtain housing.

 

[negrogesic]

I'm going to offer a controversial possible suggestion. It won't fix anything but might make you more comfortable in respect to anxiety/depression.

The suggestion is kratom. Seeing as how you mention that you are, a) averse to pharmaceutical treatment of anxiety and depression b) cannot smoke marijuana, and c) are considering trying heroin, you might consider kratom. Try a white or green strain, perhaps 3-4g a few times a day. At under $100 per kilogram its pretty inexpensive.

You'd have to make sure your job doesn't test for it. And, of course the controversial part of my suggestion stems from the fact kratom is quite addictive. But pharmaceuticals used for depression and particularly anxiety, are also habituating

In the short term it might give you the anxiety relieving and antidepressant push to go into the gym and shower more frequently. In fact I'll guarantee you that you'll shower more frequently if you take kratom regularly. In these situations its the little things, like taking a shower daily. The more you adapt to the lifestyle the more you become destined to thaf lifestyle.

Take this suggestion with caution and full awareness since if you take kratom daily you will develop an opioid addiction. But compared to other opioids kratom is highly functional. Pretty decent antidepressant and anxiolytic.

 

[0.o_LaCuNa_o.0]

I'm going to offer a controversial possible suggestion. It won't fix anything but might make you more comfortable in respect to anxiety/depression.

The suggestion is kratom. Seeing as how you mention that you are, a) averse to pharmaceutical treatment of anxiety and depression b) cannot smoke marijuana, and c) are considering trying heroin, you might consider kratom. Try a white or green strain, perhaps 3-4g a few times a day. At under $100 per kilogram its pretty inexpensive.

You'd have to make sure your job doesn't test for it. And, of course the controversial part of my suggestion stems from the fact kratom is quite addictive. But pharmaceuticals used for depression and particularly anxiety, are also habituating

In the short term it might give you the anxiety relieving and antidepressant push to go into the gym and shower more frequently. In fact I'll guarantee you that you'll shower more frequently if you take kratom regularly. In these situations its the little things, like taking a shower daily. The more you adapt to the lifestyle the more you become destined to thaf lifestyle.

Take this suggestion with caution and full awareness since if you take kratom daily you will develop an opioid addiction. But compared to other opioids kratom is highly functional. Pretty decent antidepressant and anxiolytic.

I 100% agree with this. Kratom is the shit, I love it. It also synergizes very well with weed (if you're able to smoke again in the future). It would be a much wiser/safer choice compared with street heroin.

 

[All the tacos]

Hey buddy! I am so sorry this is what your experienxe has been. I just want you to feel peace right now. Even if it's just while reading my post. Please know you have absolutely nothing to prove to me. You will not have to explain your past to me. I will not become concerned about what you could have done. I just know that you are hurting. I am pretty sure you already realize that we don't have all the answers. I think just receiving some understanding and feeling some genuine empathy would have the most potential of giving you some hope. My advice would be to determine where you have control at. Focus on that and let go of the rest. That's where your power lies. Then search for the purpose involved. It's a start. Maybe change some of your perspectives. Sometimes mindset determines more than youd think. Don't waste your energy on people that aint even trying to hear you. I am sure what you've shared probably isnt even a drop in the bucket of everything you really been thru. But those that have never been this vulnerable cant even fathom what this view looks.like from the bottom. But its all for a reason and there truly is a purpose involved somehow. Better days are ahead my friend. The one benefit of being in this position gives you is the value it can add to your character. But you'll never find that out if you get lost in the bitterness produced by the lack of empathy you're gonna receive from a lot of people. You gotta learn to love them too. No ones perfect. We all grow and learn in different variables. But we all do each have a purpose.

It's hard for me to have discussions like this without getting into what most label as religion talk. But Jesus aint at church. He had to leave because all they wamted to do was keep crucifying Him. When He said it was finished He meant it. His grace carries us ALLLLLL. Not just those that show face on Sundays.

Trust me cause I got no lies to tell ya. I am an open book and already know I am wrecked. I am a hot mess and dont claim any different. But that's also how I know how good that grace is lol
I truly hope you find what you need to thrive amd be happy. I really mean that❤

Thank you. I believe in Jesus. Lately I have been distant from reading and praying.
Honestly im just exhausted mentally. I have lost everything so many times im afraid to build back and loose it again. Lots of times it was from my addiction to meth, but the last few years its just been a string of bad luck.
Would you mind if i pm you?

 

[All the tacos]

@0.o_LaCuNa_o.0 I'm not trying to argue with you here but according to the 2020 Annual Homelessness Assessment Report (AHAR) to Congress, the definition of unsheltered homeless is as follows:

Unsheltered Homelessness refers to people whose primary nighttime location is a public or private place not designated for, or ordinarily used as, a regular sleeping accommodation for people (for example, the streets, vehicles, or parks).


100% agreed ^^

@All the tacos We don't know in what city you live but if I were in your situation, I would seek out social services (psychiatric hospitals, mental health clinics, medical clinics for people of low income, etc) and try to find a Supportive Housing program. They have them in my city. They are apartments, sometimes converted from out-of-use hotels, and are used to house people cycling out of homelessness. The ones I'm familiar with charge rent on a sliding scale based on income. They are SRO (single room occupancy) units, which is just a fancy word for studio or efficiency units. Very small but it's a roof over your head, kitchen, shower, and shitter. It's all based on income. I've seen the same size unit rented out to one person for $100/month and another person for $400/month just because they had a better job. Or $0/month if one is unemployed. I'm sorry you are going through this right now but there should be a way out depending on where you are located.

Im working on it! I was able to get all my past utility bills paid off this week. Just doing that gave be a bit of a boost of hope.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Im working on it! I was able to get all my past utility bills paid off this week. Just doing that gave be a bit of a boost of hope.

Great news!

I didn't mention this in my previous post, but I spent some time living on the streets back in the mid-2000s. Back then I did not use any social services. Was able to get odd jobs and busk for money and food. It wasn't until I got back on my feet, finished college, and became a social worker that I even heard about Supportive Housing programs. Not saying that is the answer for you or even possible. I just wanted to inform you about it because I've seen programs like this get a lot of people off the streets and stable. I've also seen people gain enough stability to move out of supportive housing and into more traditional housing. Best of luck to you, sir! And welcome to Bluelight!