I love the color purple. Kinda went over last entry, long story short, I'm still with the company. I tried to blog about a week or so ago, but BL login kept insisting I was not entering correct password. Am glad the glitch is worked out, as I do love this site plus it's the only place I've long since been bothering to blog at all, however infrequently. I'm happy with my work, and my living situation, the only thing that sucks is the money, but I'm not leaving work, so no point getting upset. Being at a place 7 years and the longest time in my life of reliable, steady, income, even if it is a pittance, is way better than what I know I will have if I actually managed to get hired somewhere else, HA, I think to myself letting out a sarcastic laugh.
It's not even about having to party and chasing a high anymore, but finally experiencing the ability through trial and error having to maintain a habit and a full time job. Want to is out of the question, it's have to in terms of the habit, since maintaining and leveling out my using, enough to be able to function, but not the tweaker that had been a binge user 2006 and before, highs pure ecstasy to be sure, but harsh consequences getting in way over my head because as a binge user, that first little bitty .01cc had been enough to keep me way over the top. Stopping even just 2, 3, or 5 wks-or longer was when the dope worked soo well. TOO WELL.
I'm content in many/most ways, but a bit sad if I let myself think about it. It's all good though. I saw a lovely red wedding dress I wanted, which reminded me I still love and hold Erik precious to my heart, though we havent seen each other in over 7 years. That dress reminded me of him, and the sadness at sweet, happy memories of the little time we had. Two train wrecks to be sure, yet every night holding him in bed falling asleep with my arms around him or his wrapped around me made me aware just how desparately I craved that kind of touch, a deep bond that felt like being wrapped in a wave of complete acceptance but pierced with a pang of sadness knowing that the closeness of physical proximity, was only for a while.
The only consolation being that I knew in spite of being absent in body, the emotional bond would remain, no matter what. And indeed it has. Then, for some reason, after finishing "The Hunger Game" trilogy books, reading about Peeta made me jones for that closeness all over again. Why has that kind of guy/relationship always eluded me? Such a silly, sentamental woman I am, somehow always chasing after some pipe dream fairy tales of how I so desparately wish life COULD be. Even if Erik is beyond my physical grasp of being able to get this drug called hugs and love, I should be grateful the emotional bond is mutually there. I am loved from a distance. And I do very well in solitude, though sometimes I feel pangs of sadness wanting more. What is it anyway with dope fiends and more? It's all good. Peace out
It's not even about having to party and chasing a high anymore, but finally experiencing the ability through trial and error having to maintain a habit and a full time job. Want to is out of the question, it's have to in terms of the habit, since maintaining and leveling out my using, enough to be able to function, but not the tweaker that had been a binge user 2006 and before, highs pure ecstasy to be sure, but harsh consequences getting in way over my head because as a binge user, that first little bitty .01cc had been enough to keep me way over the top. Stopping even just 2, 3, or 5 wks-or longer was when the dope worked soo well. TOO WELL.
I'm content in many/most ways, but a bit sad if I let myself think about it. It's all good though. I saw a lovely red wedding dress I wanted, which reminded me I still love and hold Erik precious to my heart, though we havent seen each other in over 7 years. That dress reminded me of him, and the sadness at sweet, happy memories of the little time we had. Two train wrecks to be sure, yet every night holding him in bed falling asleep with my arms around him or his wrapped around me made me aware just how desparately I craved that kind of touch, a deep bond that felt like being wrapped in a wave of complete acceptance but pierced with a pang of sadness knowing that the closeness of physical proximity, was only for a while.
The only consolation being that I knew in spite of being absent in body, the emotional bond would remain, no matter what. And indeed it has. Then, for some reason, after finishing "The Hunger Game" trilogy books, reading about Peeta made me jones for that closeness all over again. Why has that kind of guy/relationship always eluded me? Such a silly, sentamental woman I am, somehow always chasing after some pipe dream fairy tales of how I so desparately wish life COULD be. Even if Erik is beyond my physical grasp of being able to get this drug called hugs and love, I should be grateful the emotional bond is mutually there. I am loved from a distance. And I do very well in solitude, though sometimes I feel pangs of sadness wanting more. What is it anyway with dope fiends and more? It's all good. Peace out
