Hiting The Bottom

[TripMcnealy]

Been a pill user for 6 years (Oxy oral use). Physically addicted for 3 or more years now. Not going to carry on with crazy details. We all know the drill. I peaked at 300mgs day, usually taking around 200mgs, and had close to a year of the daily whirlwind of the addicted. My denial phase wasn't very long.

Had to wait out my busy work season until last September to begin my plan of cutting back slowly and getting to an acceptable dose. I've been prescribed for 4 years for Chronic musculoskeletal pain from fibro.

I crossed the line, but stepped back quickly enough because my quality of life really is better when I use without abusing; I did not want to lose medication for life. Not trying to justify here, just being honest.

I did get down to where i wanted to be, with the help of the godsend that is Kratom, by April. I maintained pretty well, I would still run out of my script no matter what and get some on the side, but it was nowhere near the prior levels. Would run out and just deal with it with the help of Kratom: basically it wasn't end of the world if I ran out or knew I was about to.

I had a bunch of personal and relationship problems. Fiance moved out. Depressed and miserable from pain and work. I was partying too much, having near breakdowns. Then had really bad few days, lost my job, chased off my fiance, lost meds, and no money. At parents house now for 6 days. I dont even really want meds since I have not been working.
Feeling really depressed obviously. I dont know whats next. I will be going to get refill when time comes. Think it's more of my lifestyle that needs a change than the drug. No more partying, being healthy, and having someone hold on to meds for me. Dont have purpose writing this, any insight, criticism, or recommendations you feel like adding, feel free.

 

[simco]

Your intuition sounds right to me... bringing in friends or family whom you trust, and aiming for a change in the direction of your life (as opposed to just planning to remove the offending drugs) is a good set of goals. Having someone hold your meds is a great idea. And if it sounds helpful, having someone whom you can *really* talk to about how you're feeling (and of course, actually talking to him or her), can really take the sting out of the loneliness and isolation we feel during both addiction and recovery. Of course, after a good run of keeping stuff to ourselves, giving people that kind of control/influence can be tough. But, fwiw, I've found it to be invaluable.

Good luck!

 

[cj]

I think you should seek treatment for the depression. Mental health issues will ruin your life quick as drugs will.

 

[Moreaux]

^ Some great advice! I commend you for recognizing the negative aspects of drug use and how they are impacting your life and you proactive response- that is truly awesome! I wish I would have had that insight when my use started spiraling. Cj is correct, drug abuse will be a constant and cyclical battle until you resolve the mental health issues. I chased my tail for seven years until I finally addressed the mental health piece...now I have almost three years sober. I wish you the best!

 

[TripMcnealy]

Wrote a very lengthy response yesterday but it didn't save. No more mobile posts for me lol.
Anyway, CJ I agree for the most part. I'm 29 year old male and have been battling Depression, G.A.D., and minor PTSD since I'm 16. I hit a mental and physical homeostasis around the age of 18-24, obviously didn't last. I honestly think I got all I could get out of treatment. Even got a BA in Psych. I've learned about these demons and use the skills I've picked up over the years to combat these ever present disorders. I think the mental part is circumstantial at this point, and it's the physical illness that needs attention e.g. I'll have a crazy mood swing from a minor stressor because I've been in moderate to high levels of pain for half or more of any given day.

Clearly addiction just makes it worse. So now I know I am incapable, for the foreseeable future, to ration my meds by myself. I would often say "fuck it" at work when I was hurting and run to my car and take 2 pills that weren't part of the plan.

Simco, I can definitely use some punching bags, both literal and metaphorical lol. My family is trying their best, but we have never gotten along, and they don't know how to handle this. I'm going through this alone in the emotional sense (aside from you interwebbers), but at least I know I have a couch or two to sleep on if it came down to it. How do these people do it by themselves, especially without a large financial safety net. It deeply saddens me to think about all of those solitary addicts wandering around this world with no one, especially in America.

Does it sound like I'm rationalizing drug use? I know I have in the past, but even with this drastic wake up call, I still see a better future with a controlled and monitored regiment. Simco, Moreaux, ane anyone else: are you completely substance free or are you able to manage certain substances at certain times? Do you have to fight going back to your addicted self even to this day? Aside from Kratom, Xanax, and a handful of muscle relaxers when the pain has me climbing the walls, it's been 8 days sober, without coke, booze, oxy, etc... I think the longest I've done was over 2 weeks without any rock bottom scenario. I never abused the aforementioned drugs (wasn't for lack of trying lol). The worst is over as far as dope sickness goes. I don't really miss the oxy at this point, just the relief from pain... I'm just trying to get some pointers/advice from those who have been there. I can live without drugs. The pain on the other hand, not so sure after 15 years.

Moreaux, wasn't sure who that was meant for lol

 

[starting_over]

Can't give any advice but I struggle with mild - moderate depression and previous opiate addiction. Adding chronic pain to the mix would make things a lot more difficult... I could see myself rationalizing drug use for sure.

 

[simco]

...
Simco, Moreaux, ane anyone else: are you completely substance free or are you able to manage certain substances at certain times? Do you have to fight going back to your addicted self even to this day?
...

Substance free? Nope. I vape cannabis most evenings these days. And I've been Rx'd 2mg/day of clonazepam for years (though I've managed never to abuse them). For me personally, the priority is staying away from heroin. Junk just undid me completely, and I finally accepted that I just can't do it recreationally. Luckily, I never enjoyed alcohol, so at least that's out of the picture.

As for the pull of dope, I'm still in early recovery (it's been just over 6 weeks since I used), and honestly I struggle a lot. Yesterday, for instance, I had to work really hard to slow myself down... I was craving terribly and giving serious thought to trying to cop.

Slightly off-topic, but I thought I'd mention one biographical detail. I've had major depression my whole life. The drugs entered the picture relatively late in the game. But to me, depression and opiate addiction form a vicious circle, each feeding off each other. I spent about 18 months in intensive therapy, hoping that if I could relieve the depression, quitting dope would be less difficult. But for me (obviously, your mileage may vary), I started having better luck when I really put my heart into recovery. Making some real, even if it was small, progress towards getting off heroin did wonders for my depression. So at this point, I'm working really hard on both issues. But personally, I found that I had to commit to cleaning up before any progress was viable.

Dude, 8 days (now 9?) is awesome. You're doing fuckin great! Keep us posted.

 

[VastEmpty]

Brilliant post, Simco. I agree about the opiates/depression cycle. I'm convinced, and always will be, that opiate use has caused my clinical depression. Unlike you and Trip, I have only struggled with depression since starting the opiates - not prior to that. But I certainly see how one would help the other!

Trip - I think that having someone hold your meds will be critical for your plan to work. It's hard to use responsibly when you are addicted - some might say it's impossible...but I think you will need to put up some serious boundaries for it to work.

I also have chronic pain and did from about 25 years old. It sounds like that's when you got your fibro? I'm a bit older than you, and I've been using opiates for 7 years daily. Longer if you count my sparadic use in the beginning. Anyway, you are young, and generally autoimmune issues don't get better, they get worse. I would recommend that you do everything you can to try and treat your pain without using narcotics now, while you are young and have more options. Opiates turn on you - at least they did on me. The fear of living in pain kept me on them way longer than it should have.

When i quit taking oxy, the rebound pain was astronomical - but over the acute phase of wds, the pain quieted down. Today (2 months into not taking them daily) my pain is no worse than it was on the opiates. It's not a hell of a lot better, and I have to proactively treat my pain naturally (it's not as easy as popping a pill for me anymore - it's a lifestyle change), but it's not worse.

Best of luck, Trip.

- VE

 

[TripMcnealy]

Starting Over: Yea chronic pain definitely clouds the waters when dealing with addiction; I'm quickly realizing as the days peal away. There was a phase where I truly thought I should just get prescribed more and more since my script wouldn't last. That was not so long ago and truly an addict's logic; never considered there eventually will be a ceiling.



Thanks Simco, I'm just starting to feel good about it. I've gone longer with less commotion, but this time is different. I don't feel like I'm just waiting it out until the next visit/paycheck; seems like I'm the type that needs pretty much everything to deteriorate to see through my own bullshit.

Think we're in the same boat as far as still being able to use other substances. Mother O just screws me up. Wish I could fucking smoke. super sensitive to THC... I either become a paranoid loon or stumble around like I just had a lobotomy. Me and Doctor working on getting me medical card in NY to try and get the stuff that has no pyschoactive effects. Certain waxes help but it's just so inconsistent.
6 weeks is legit Sim. Haven't gone that long in my life. Should be proud of that. Maybe think about the time you put in to help fight the cravings, and go threw the steps of where H will eventually lead you?? And I agree with the depression theory. Starting to become very apparent.

Vast- I've had the pain and been misdiagnosed since I'm 13... After so long of squirming in chairs and tossing and turning in bed you find 1 little magic pill that helps you get through a car ride, night of sleep, long shift of manual labor etc... Just took 6 years to figure out that you end up giving more than you get from what your abusing. Hopefully this month long reset and the super strict boundaries, it will work. once i get back in the gym and taking care of myself I can find a multifaceted balance.
thanks everyone. helping a lot to get your insight, stories, and advice.

 

[simco]

Thanks, Trip. Isn't it weird how we can quit a million times, then suddenly, one time just feels totally different? Your advice about "playing the tape through" (as they say in NA) is good, but also tough, at least for me. When I get to craving, it's like the logical part of my mind turns off, and I'm left with the slobbering lizard brain part. I think what I'll try to do is to rehearse thinking about the outcome of a relapse during moments when I'm NOT fiending. Maybe then, when the shit hits the fan, it'll be easier to bring those thoughts back to mind.

Meanwhile, here's to another day... wishing you a good one!

 

[herbavore]

Thanks, Trip. Isn't it weird how we can quit a million times, then suddenly, one time just feels totally different?

I think it is one of the most fascinating aspects of recovery tbh. I remember quitting nicotene twice in my early twenties. The cravings were terrible and eventually I just gave up. Third time, I expected everything to be the same and yet it could not have been more different. I was, on some deeper level than I understood ready to quit and I did not even experience more than a few days of craving. Not only that but my mind would rush in with negative thoughts about smoking when I did crave it as opposed to the previous times when addiction would supply me with every single pleasant memory intensifying the craving. And this fascinating mental leap forward is not necessarily just about addiction to drugs--the same thing happens to people with everything from abusive relationships to overspending etc--they just reach a magical moment where they know they can not go back to something that was killing the soul.

 

[TripMcnealy]

Yea that sounds like a good way of "training" yourself. It's like the whole time anyone starts doing drugs they're learning how great that given substance is because they only see the rewards. On the opposite end, we should train ourselves daily, to realize how bad the substance is, not how bad daily life is without it.
Nicotine is a bitch, just because it's a socially accepted and legal addiction makes it harder to quit. I traveled with a group of people that hate smoke. I didnt even finish a pack the entire week. But for now, she's all I got

 

[simco]

I'm so glad I never started smoking... my wife quit over 10 years ago but still uses the 21mg (i.e. 'Step One') nicotine patch daily. Without the nicotine, she's just miserable.

...Sorry to derail the thread