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Hey Jealousy

T

T.hopeful

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 5, 2015
Messages
36
I've always been the jealous type and I admit that sometimes it's irrational. However, there have been some things lately that my boyfriend has done that bothers me terribly and I can't let it go. He just thinks I'm being crazy.

When we first started dating he refused to add me on Facebook because of all the women he was friends with. He knew I'd be jealous. Eventually he added me and I researched every like and comment I could find. What I ended up with is feeling insecure because of all the beautiful women he was friends with that he met in rehabs or from high school mostly. Yeah he liked their pictures and commented on their beauty but that stuff did stop when we started seeing each other so I got over it.

So shortly before he met me he had sexual relations with an older woman and told her he loved her because she said it to him first. She wanted more and he didn't so he chose to ignore her. She would call and text him every day for months! He wouldn't respond to her but it still hurt me that he wouldn't tell her to fuck off. He didn't want to be mean or hurt her feelings since she didn't do anything wrong. What she was doing was chasing my man and it was hurting me though. She finally stopped for about 6 months. Then she text him happy birthday merry Christmas blah blah blah. He responded with thank you merry Christmas to you too. So of course she starts blowing up his phone apologizing for how she acted before and said she isn't crazy anymore. She even said I was cute and wanted to meet me! He didn't respond. I was angry he even responded to her at all by saying merry Christmas. He knows how I felt about their relationship and he thinks I'm overreacting and said he didn't want to be rude by not saying merry Christmas back to her.

Incident #2. im currently visiting family 1000 miles away from him. I see a girl posts "I miss you" on his Facebook wall. I text him asking who she is and says a girl from rehab. I ask if he's been talking to her. He says no they never talk and the post was random. I go about my day. I check the post later and he replied to her saying "I miss you. Hope all is well." I instantly became enraged. He obviously knew I wasn't too happy about her post then he went and replied in public for all to see that he misses her. I feel disrespected and humiliated. He doesn't see the big deal.

It's not that I expect him never to talk to a girl besides me. But I don't want to see him saying things like that to other girls and I don't want him communicating with an old fling who won't move on. Am I asking too much?

I don't think he's physically cheating but there are trust issues because he relapsed on heroin a couple months ago by the way.
 
I do think you are over-reacting a bit, but I also get where you're coming from. He should kick all those bitches to the curb and erase them from his life. That's what I do whenever I get into a serious relationship. I tell all the bitches from my past to fuck off and die. That's how it should be when you respect your girl. Those bitches mean nothing to me, so I have no problem deleting them from my facebook, or deleting my facebook altogether. I hate that whole "I'm still friends with my former fuck buddies" nonsense. If he's with you, he should tell those bitches to kick rocks. He's not respectful of your feelings and the relationship. One of two things will happen. Either he will wise up and realize he's disrespecting you by talking to these other bitches, or you will get sick of it and move on. I usually give 'em about 2 months to cut loose all the orbiters, lurkers and creep-o's. If I find out that my girl is still talking to other dudes while she's in a relationship with me, I eject and tell her to get fucked.
 
I hate how he always uses the excuse "I don't want to be rude and not respond" well when you're in a relationship shit changes. We've been together about 10 months. I didn't expect to have a problem with this stuff at this point. I don't talk to my ex's or anything and when men flirt with me I ignore them or tell them I'm taken and to fuck off. When he relapsed we had sex maybe once a month. I felt lonely and neglected. Not once did I start talking to another man to get attention or anything. I had to beg him to delete a prostitue from his Facebook that was posting nude pictures and tagging him in shit. I always think about he feels before I do anything. Wish he'd do the same for me.
 
I agree with you 100%. I'm also in a relationship of about 10 months, and I feel the exact same way, but the genders are reversed. I deleted my facebook because I couldn't stand seeing all her ex's and former hookups liking all her pics or posting "I miss you xoxo" on her wall. It's bullshit. I'm right there with you. Shit changes when you are in a relationship. When you are single you can chat with whoever you want, but once you have a partner it's time to start acting like you're taken. I'm a guy, in a similar situation and I totally agree with what you're saying. I'm all for telling people to fuck off. It's funny because your BF and my GF both have the same bullshit attitude about facebook flirting and keeping in touch with people of the opposite gender, and pretending it's ok, when it's obviously not even close to ok. I feel your pain. Eventually my GF saw that what she was doing on facebook was hurting our relationship and she finally cleaned it up and started acting classy. But I sure wish she would unfriend all the guys she used to fuck. I think anyone you used to fuck should not be one of your facebook friends, or someone you text, chat with, skype, etc. Long term ex's are a little bit different, but keeping some former fuck buddy on your facebook and commenting on their status updates shows a total lack of respect for the relationship
 
DeadElvis666 said:
That's what I do whenever I get into a serious relationship. I tell all the bitches from my past to fuck off and die. .
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or maybe just be amicable yet dont talk to them.

either way jealousy is a very unattractive state to be in. its not good and makes you look a bit crazy and possessive

anyone trying to make you jealous is childish but your dating him so you should be able to have trust.

either way how long you two been together?
 
I hate being so jealous but no matter how hard I try I can't control it. We've been dating about 10 months. He was addicted to heroin for 7 years and before me his last real relationship was in high school. He's 26 now. So he also uses the excuse he's not used to being in a relationship and still getting used to it. I want him to be more considerate of my feelings. He gets very jealous too so I do everything I can to avoid any situation that would make him feel uncomfortable. An ex texts me, I don't respond. Messages on Facebook, I don't respond. He doesn't have that same courtesy for me because he doesn't want to be rude. He questions me all of the time asking me if I'm talking to someone or flirting with anyone. But he gets mad when I question him in return.
 
DeadElvis, I appreciate your input by the way. He throws in my face that he's asked his guy friends about situations and they think he doesn't do anything wrong and I'm just crazy. I know I'm not the only one who wouldn't be happy about their partner communicating with past fucks and entertaining thirsty ass bitches.
 
First off, no one makes a title like that without wanting someone to say "i know that song good choice for your title" ;)

If I were in your situation and the relationship has been going on for a decent amount of time I would have an honest convocation about it. I was lucky enough that my current g/f didnt start communicating with people from her past until we were very much settled into our relationship to the point where i wouldnt be jealous of them.

The one thing that a relationship can never have is to much communication in situations such as this. If he says "he doesnt want to upset them" well then thats too bad he shouldnt be that emotionally invested and neither should they. If they are really friends I would think asking a more appropriate type of communication or language isnt a big ask you dont need to go "stfu stupid bitch cant you see you are nothing to me" but at the same time if someones constant communication was bothering my g/f and thats what it took to make her feel better about it, I probably would say a more toned down version of that.

I am not saying people cant have friends of a different sex but if he is mature he should be able to tell what is appropriate communication and language and so should they. Friends are all well and good and i understand people like flirting and it helps self esteem but there is a time and a place. He should take your emotions and feelings in higher regard then other people.
 
Szuko, I figured I needed a good title to get someone to respond to a non sexual thread lol.

I am definitely understanding that he can have friends of the opposite sex but he hasn't proven to be able to communicate with them appropriately and that's what angers me. He should know right from wrong. There is one girl who he defends as a great friend BUT early in our relationship he admitted to wanting to sleep with this girl. So no, I'm not comfortable with their relationship and never will be.

Every time I try to have an honest conversation about it, he always goes back to the I don't want to be rude to them card. I've argued that by not being rude to them he's disrespecting me. He said we can agree to disagree. It hurts me so bad that he gets to defensive over these women. I don't know why he's so attached to them.

Now every time I go to his Facebook page I see that post from the girl saying I miss you and him replying I miss you etc. Its the most recent post on there. I want him to delete it but don't want to sound controlling. I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for that and that he shouldn't taken care of it already.
 
This is still driving me insane. I'm obsessing over it. I fly back home tomorrow and will be able to have a conversation with him about what's okay what isn't I guess. Kinda think he should already know the difference =[
 
T.hopeful said:
This is still driving me insane. I'm obsessing over it. I fly back home tomorrow and will be able to have a conversation with him about what's okay what isn't I guess. Kinda think he should already know the difference =[
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I kind of think you will be single if you don't chill the fuck out.
 
I just want the same respect I give him. He gets jealous when guys talk to me, so I put him first and they aren't a priority to me. He has complete access to my phone should he wish to check anything. I have nothing to hide. I don't like the whole double standard thing.
 
Why do you have such issues with trust? Did your parents split up when you were little?
The issue, I think you realize, is with you and not your man. You're sabotaging your relationship. You have to figure out what it is about you that keeps you from trusting your partner/being attracted to untrustworthy people (addicts don't have the best track record, no offense).
What was your dad like and how do you feel about him?
 
T.hopeful said:
I just want the same respect I give him. He gets jealous when guys talk to me, so I put him first and they aren't a priority to me. He has complete access to my phone should he wish to check anything. I have nothing to hide. I don't like the whole double standard thing.
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Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where neither person even cares to check the other persons phone?
 
gmlifer said:
Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where neither person even cares to check the other persons phone?
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Right? Or why would you want a relationship where you don't trust the other person?
I know there are particulars the OP made clear, but I think it points to a solution found in herself. I would work on myself more and find out what's at the root cause of why I'm mistrustful and suspicious.
 
My trust issues stem from past relationships. I always seem to choose unfaithful men.

I had a good feeling about my current relationship and my insecurities didn't begin until 4 months of dating he still wouldn't add me on Facebook. I felt like he was ashamed of me or something. Then after adding me it took him awhile to post that he was in a relationship. He also wouldn't let me meet his family until 9 months of dating. We've been together about 10 months now.

I also have trust issues with him because of drugs. I'm not an addict so I wasn't familiar with the warning signs. The first problem was Xanax bars. We stopped having sex and he wouldn't even sleep in the bed with me. This of course made me feel unwanted and depressed. I would ask relentlessly what was wrong and if I was doing something wrong and he would deny everything. He finally admitted to abusing Xanax bars.

Then a couple months later came the heroin relapse. I found a straw with dark residue and he told me it was Coke. He swore on my life that he wouldn't get anymore. A few days later I found the heroin bags. So he lied about the whole thing regarding Coke. Tried to lie and say he was just selling. Lies about how much he was using.

So the fact that he was able to lie so easily
To my face knowing that I was breaking apart, makes me doubt everything he says right now.
 
And my dad who raised me isn't my biological father. I found that out at 16 because my grandma accidentally spilled the beans. My parents are still together for 27 years now. My biological father had no interest in meeting with me.
 
So how's about you leave him and find someone more mature and less likely to lose you to heroin anyway.
 
That sounds horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that to happen. That really breaks my heart.
Do you see that's where this all stems from?

What happened with your father and that lie that your family told you for so long has led you to seek relationships that contain those same elements. Because, as odd as it sounds, that's comforting to you. Does that make sense?

how have you dealt with that revelation about your father?

You have way more reasons to not trust this dude than his Facebook bullshit. Seriously don't put yourself through this. His bullshit isn't worth dealing with. You yourself is worth dealing with. IMHO
 
Scrooge, I definitely see your point. I felt betrayed by my family for keeping that secret and always felt I was treated differently. I never really dealt with it. It was something we just didn't speak about in my household. I was told to be grateful to have a "dad" who wanted to take care of me. I didn't have an awful childhood but emotionally I didn't have the support I needed. I was prescribed antidepressant off and on but they just made me feel worse. I still struggle with feeling inadequate compared to my brother who is my dads real son. He's noticeable always been the favorite child and lives a dream life compared to me.

I know I have my issues and there is no doubt it stems from my family. I lived with them until I was 26.

I am glad you are able to see my side of things regarding my boyfriend. I know I must have come off as a whiney control freak girlfriend at first. Yes, I have problems but he hasn't exactly made things easy. He was successful in tapering off of heroin and the withdrawals are coming to an end thankfully. He's using Kratom to get by.

We had a conversation tonight about how I don't think he considers my feelings in certain situations. He agreed with me and said he will work on putting himself in my shoes more often. I hope I haven't painted him to be this terrible person because he is very sweet to me. He spends all his time at home and I really can't complain much besides the drugs and occasional jealousy I feel.
 
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