Heroin. Why's It Too LATE for Me!

[CrowetheCat]

I am high off a minuscule amount of heroin right now. It's pathetic. I hate my life. 8(

The life of an addict... especially a heroin addict. It sucks. When I have .5 g, I do .2 in one sitting and hate myself afterwards because dude, I could have saved that!

I made .1 last me two days. Proudest few days of my life.

The last week has been crazy for me. My boyfriend did some seriously fucked up shit that resulted in the police being called and domestic violence charges possibly being filed against him. I'm back at my mom's house again! Woo! I really thought that it would be different this time. Me and my love, we rented a cottage in another town, we made pasta; I thought I was good enough for him. But I wasn't and I'm not. I tried to leave because of the misery. He then decided that he was going to kill me.

My best friend wants to kill me? The one who said, "we are family." The one who wanted to have children with me. Wants nothing more than to cut my throat. He fantasizes about it, it's so sick. If he can't have me, nobody can.

So I am basically stuck in this house, so sad and so lost. Half my dreams are nightmares of him creeping up on me with a knife, pressing it against my neck.

I wake up and try to cry out as loud as I can but nothing comes out, I'm so scared. I never know if I have actually woken up, all I know is I'm trying my hardest to cry cuz, I think he's there, it MUST be real.

My cat is my only solace. I feel like she gives me some protection.

But the heroin... how could I let it get me this low? I can understand why my boyfriend wants me to die. I am such a stupid whore. He made me give him oral sex the other day. He never listens when I don't want to. But he has bought me so much heroin.

This heroin makes it easier. I fade away to a place where there is no pain. He doesn't hate me. Life is beautiful.

And then when I'm sober, I wake up and cry, and I tried so HARD to make him happy. He hates me.

I'm a dumb heroin whore, what do you expect?

I wanna cry.

I'm so high.

I don't even know how to think straight right now.

 

[llama112]

I am so sorry. You are better than that. Heroin addiction happens when you least expect it and it could happen to anyone. You are not a bad person because of it.

Your boyfriend seems like a complete ass hole and you could do MUCH better than him. If he was a decent guy, he'd be HELPING you rather than making you fee like this.
You need to get rid of him completely. He doesn't deserve you.

You are NOT a "dumb heroin whore". You may feel like that. You're not.
You have found something that makes you feel better, your cat. My cat means so much to me too. Treasure that. Spend time with her. Love her.

What else do you enjoy? Find yourself some other things to do.

It's not too late for you. It's never too late. It's a lot for you but you've got to get rid of this boyfriend and then you can work on the addiction.

 

[Colonel Contin]

^Agreed.

It amazes me how the most clever manipulators can have us so worried about whether or not we are adequate that we never even consider the inverse - you are too good for him. No emotionally-present, thoughtful person deserves that sort of treatment. Unfortunately, when our mind and body want heroin it seems we are willing to endure whatever it takes to get it. I have demeaned myself, and assumed the role of somebody I didn't even recognize to stay high. I always wanted to say "enough", but I figured I'd bide my time, get high for a few more days and deliberate on the best way to escape... that lasted for years.

Our cats will always give us honest feedback regarding our adequacy. They love us despite our faults, and generally aren't timid about telling us to fuck off if they need some space. You always know where you stand. Keep the cat; run like hell from your horrifyingly inadequate boyfriend. Buying you heroin was a favor to himself and not you... you don't owe him anything. As llama pointed out, you can't allow yourself to endure more of this abuse, and once you are no longer allowing him to control you with heroin you'll be free to map out your own recovery (when you're ready).

 

[TriNitroToluene]

It really doesn't have to be like that you know. You don't seem like a scumbag but if you surround yourself with scumbags they will bring you down to their level and you will feel like a scumbag. The world is full of rotten pricks like the ones you were describing, you just have to try your best to keep away from them.
I've never used heroin so I can't comment on how hard it must be to deal with that but there must be someone you could get sorted from who is not a complete wanker. My best mate is a dealer (weed, and other stuff for friends) and he is the nicest bloke I know.
Anyway, my point is along the lines of you are so much better than fuckwits like that and should expect more from any man you let in to your life.
Stay safe

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

I can relate in many ways. Although I'm sober, the meds they have me on make it so I don't feel much and even though I'll get so down that I just wish I'd die in an accident, I still can't cry over it. The truth is it's never too late until it's over. You can still get clean or you can still make enough forward progress to have a life of your own. If you can't envision a life for yourself then map one out on paper. I know it's not over for you, even when I think it's finally over for me, I always manage to dig myself into a different hole. That's better than it all being over right? Either way if I can make it, so can you. I've been through hell and every one of it's neighbors. If you can imagine it, you can get there, do it for your cat.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

If u really think u are just a "dumb heroin whore" how else would u expect people to treat u?..for every asshole that will pull the shit that ur exbf did, there is a guy that will love u till the day he dies..treat u like a princess and would sacrifice everything he has just to see a smile on your face..

u have to love yourself before someone will love u the way u deserve to be loved..u seem creative,smart,and kind..do not let the heroin define u..there is so much more to u than that i can tell by just reading your post and blog and i bet your 10 times more amazing in person..if u are goin to use,u might as well enjoy it and dont put your self thru the self hating thought process that will just get worse the more u do it..everyone has things they dont like about themselves and for every weakness u think u have there is a strength right beside it that balances u out

its never to late for anyone..u can stop anytime u want u always have a choice,it might not be an easy choice but u are stronger than u think.. U are a beautiful woman inside and out and i have faith that u can do anything that u ever wanted, all it takes is a positive attitude and a little self love..i hope one day u will look back at this bump in the road and be proud that u got yourself out..its not the using that is hurting u its how u view it and all that negative chatter in your head..its just a drug and it will only take away what u give to it...much love to u

 

[Just.Let.Go]

Hating the drug your on is good ambition to get off of it. Anger can be a good emotion if used correctly. Just channel that anger for heroin to build ambition to get off it. The mind is your most powerful tool in doing this. Focus and determination, you can do this I promise!! I believe you

 

[ducednig]

ahh i kno that feels.
when ur significant other is fueling ur other lover.
i had that problem on my latest stage of my 3 yr addiction. currently finally clean from wd and paws, the first major step i had to do was cut out that girl that made using heroin so much more fun.
unless you can cut him off for good, ur brain is gonna resort to heroin cus thats the only thing thats on the same league or even higher than the influence ur S.O is giving you.
thats the truth whether you want to believe it or not.
good luck.. im just as lost as you, even after ive given up everything. even tho im clean im gonna lose my parents too because of the damage thats already been placed..
you still have hope tho, because there is always God.