Recovery Heroin wd, chronic relapser (recovery journal)

[SWIM Had A Dream]

Hi everybody, you can call me SHAD, or J...I have been reading on SL for a while now but just remembered my password for my old account, so I thought I'd ask for help.

Once again, H has consumed my life. Been using for several years now, been trying to kick the habit for about a month or maybe more. I can never seem to get more than 3 days off it before I cave and score more.

I'm about to lose everything. We are getting evicted on Friday if I don't come up with $xxxx.xx to give to rent

I have kicked this before and managed to keep three or four years clean time (off dope), but I really wanted it back then... not like now when all I really want is the dope man call me back.

I go through cycles of wanting to be free from this, and not caring and scoring.

I finally got on Medicaid and went to see the doctor and was straight up about the heroin withdrawal thing. I wanted Gabapentin or pregabalin because it helps so f****** much, but she was kind of scared of me I think and all I got was hydroxyzine, baclofen, and ondansetron.

I enrolled myself in intensive outpatient rehab last week, proceeded to use all weekend, and have my first group today (matrix model). My inner demon and angel have been back and forth about whether or not I'm actually going to go. The therapist told me not to come in dope sick (could be a trigger for the other groupies) but I think I should anyway. Concurrently about to try to go score some kratom but not sure if it's been banned yet in my state.

I come to SL and read about all the people who are making it and I want that for myself but I can never get past acute withdrawal phase. I'm depressed AF and thinking about suicide a lot, although I would never put that on people who love me it's just not fair to them. So here I am... any kind of advice maybe would help me then again maybe not

Hopeless

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It sounds like you're going to have to find another place to live for a while.

Stay in the IOP program if you can. Q: Not to come in sick? But if you could get to a point where you weren't in withdrawal, would you really need IOP? Sounds insane. Explain to them that's why you need help, and explain what PAWS is. You can't just "turn off" displaying WD symptoms.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You sound like you would really, really benefit from methadone OP. Have you considered a six month extend taper? It will provide you with the support you clearly need to give you a solid footing in early recovery. There is also always buprenorphine is your IOP doesn't allow methadone (which is bullshit, but it's the way most places tend to work considering the abstinence only propaganda and stigma surrounding what is the most effective severe opioid use disorder treatment out there).

What kind of IOP program are you going to be starting? Have you found something in terms of a living arrangements? It is so incredibly difficult to stay sober on the streets, but then again so to is it in a lot of the temporary sober living type transitional environments.

 

[SWIM Had A Dream]

I have somehow made it to 6 days now without smoking heroin....I got myself 10x suboxone strips but have only taken a full 8mg strip on day one, and haven't really felt the need to continue taking it. IDK what happened it is like somehow I got to skip the acute withdrawals this time. Well maybe not skip entirely, but they were at a "2" intensity instead of the usual "7-8" intensity that had manifest itself in attempts previous. Feeling very fortunate as I had not been able to go 6 days in a row without craving, caving, and scoring. I did take suboxone yesterday and again today (4mg) when the mental cravings started spooling up. I'm just thrilled I didn't call the dope man tbh. I got a new phone number that nobody knows, and I feel like this has helped tremendously. I feel really good about this try. I want it. I want my life back.

My life partner is on her own path. She had started on day one with a full 8mg strip like me, but her symptoms dictated that she continue using the medicine in decreasing dosages...she was down to a 2mg dose yesterday, and I think that she did not take any today but I'll have to ask when she gets home(she did take another 2mg). I am so proud of her. She has such a hard time staying tough in the face of w/d pain.

I came up with the rent money, and bailed on IOP. I went to one group. I liked that we could color mandalas while we were in group, but hated the other people in there with me (a psychotic guy addicted to cutting himself, and a girl addicted to the sound of her own voice) between those two people, and having to take random UA's I just couldn't do it. It felt like I was volunteering to be on probation. I bailed on my individual therapy too. I know that I'm not better than these people, but I just couldn't force myself to go back the next day, knowing I'd have to listen to these two yammer on and on. I've always been an introvert and am looking inside myself for the strength needed to stop doing heroin.

I'm so glad I came to bluelight to start a recovery journal, I've been spending lots of time in the psychedelic forums, and have decided I'm going to get back into psychedelics as I've been away for so long. I gave them up a few years ago after I got addicted to my benzo landing gear. Going to get some eth LAD and I just can't wait it's been so long. I got a lot of value out of PDs in the past and know of the therapy they can provide. Reading posts from solipsis and morninggloryseed are inspiring. They are my heros and my role models. Respect. As I start get my life back, I feel a deep seated need to be the psychedelic healer that I used to be. Time to start stockpiling. I have been reading a lot about ibogaine but I don't think I'm going to go that avenue. I am going to start with Eth-LAD as I love love loved Al-LAD. I will get some 5MeO-DMT too, thinking about keeping a Bufo toad as a pet. Its been several years since I have done out-of-body work although I have IM'd Ketamine a handful of times when I was lucky enough to get the Anesket vials. I wonder how long I should wait (if at all) to open my 3rd eye, or if these sacraments are indicated immediately (most likely).

 

[simco]

Hey, man. That freakin awesome that you've been free for 6 days...feels great coming out on the other side of (even mild) WDs. Congrats.

And, hey, IOPs are very different and none of them is for everyone, so if you wanna bail, that's obviously up to you. I do feel compelled to push back a bit on a couple thing you said, though.

Quite a few of us suffer exactly the kinds of problems that you reacted to...I myself am a cutter, for instance. And I've been hospitalized for psychosis (though for the moment, I'm more stable). I don't know what it means to be addicted to your own voice, but I'm assuming the woman you mentioned was talking a lot. Some people tend to do that when they're manic, in a bad way with schizophrenia, or just feeling edgy from problems like quitting drugs.

Attacking people who are trying to get their shit together because they annoy you is pretty narrow-minded. If you really plan to purse any kind of work as a healer, I hope you can find a little more tolerance.

Meanwhile, best luck in your recovery.

 

[SWIM Had A Dream]

You are right. I wasn't attacking those folks per se just trying to figure out what made me feel so uncomfortable (although I can see why you would think that). I'll try to keep a more open mind in the future.

 

[simco]

No prob. Sorry if I came on a bit strong. I'm still on my ownpost-WD emotional roller coaster.

And FWIW, I nearly walked out on the first day of my IOP... I totally know where you're coming from. If the vibe's not right, time to gtfo.

Sim

 

[SWIM Had A Dream]

Day 11 is here and haven't gotten any dope still. This is definitely a record for my and my lady partner. I pulled the trigger on some ethyl LAD . It's nice to not have to spend all of my money everyday. Going to a trusted psychiatrist tomorrow that is a 4 hour drive from home. It's worth it because she knows what it's like to be addicted, and doesn't judge. Another upside is that I can go snowboarding while I'm in town. If that doesn't stimulate endorphin release, idk what would. Suboxone intake is every other day now 2mg. Although I did take .125 alprazolam today just because (no reason) better keep an eye on that so I don't have to do the benzo wd hell again. I'm not too worried about that tho.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I benefit immensely from entheogens in my recovery, particularly during the earliest stages. Sounds like you're doing really well, and I'm glad to hear you will be working with a doctor you trust. That is huge! Keep up the good work

 

[SWIM Had A Dream]

Made it 20 days now without using heroin. Ran out of suboxone yesterday so the real game starts now. Eth LAD was a disappointment. 250ug should have been a strong dose (added 100mg MDMA at the end too) and I barely felt fucked up... that tells me I have serotonin issues in my brain. Maybe going to <snip> some more subs <snip> as I'm having cravings again but really I can't afford them. Symptoms arent too bad runny nose and cravings mostly. Found out my H dealer got arrested and I am thankful I was not around during that. Holding out hope but I know it's going to be a long weekend

 

[cj]

Medicaid often pays for methadone you should look into that. Our stories sound similar and I would still be using if not for methadone.