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Heroin relapse - hate myself, and this life

T

tomatalli

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 10, 2012
Messages
690
Im 17 years old and recently just relapsed on heroin. I made it 7 weeks clean after overdosing on dope and valium, the OD made me smarten up and go to detox. I have lost almost all my friends, weaken family relations, have not had any enjoyment unless I am high on heroin and literally hate myself. The only thing thats ever there for me is heroin so why leave it? I feel like im gonna be stuck in this whirlwind for the rest of my life, so to me its like why live through all the pain?
 
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Man, you're still young. You haven't even hit adulthood yet so how can you feel like your stuck like this forever?

It's hard for everyone to try to adapt to a sober life. Nothing is the same and you'll need to find other reasons to get out of bed every day. Do you work or study? Getting back into a mundane distraction like that can help keep you occupied for ~8 hours of the day.
 
Don't feel bad slip ups and relapses are how we learn, grow, and evolve.

A LOT of us here on bluelight's the dark side have been there with alcohol and other drugs.

You are realizing this is a relapse and that you and heroin/opiates and benzos do not mix.

I used to be like you in my early 20s but with alcohol, and I learned through some painful lessons that alcohol and I do not mix.

When I was drinking alcohol I was horribly depressed, thinking my life would never get better, and all of this other negative thinking and ego games of self hatred we love to play. Things do get better but it can take time. I know people who are addicted to heroin and other opiates and they got sober. Was it easy for them? No but it was worth it.

It can be difficult making the major life change of getting sober but it's worth the effort.

You're 17 and you have your entire life ahead of you. I am going to be 30 and I am thankful that I realized this right now, and not decades later like a lot of alcoholics and addicts do.

Good luck.
 
@re-distibuted - thanks for the response, i feel like im stuck because the 7 weeks without heroin i hated life.
@priest - thanks for the support man.

I just dont see how life is worth living wifhout the only thing thats ever really been there for me, and that is heroin
 
7 weeks seem like a lifetime when you're counting every minute without dope. I first kicked when I was 19 after I had only been shooting it for a year, and man I was depressed and anxious and shit and wasn't normal till maybe 4-6 months out. Just because you relapsed doesn't mean you have to keep relapsing. Make it an isolated incident. Go to meetings find young people for support.

Us junkies have virtually no patience or coping skills, but hang on, every day you're sober is slightly better than the last. I'm cringing saying this but..... One day at a time man.
 
Tomatalli there is a way out man! There is no future with heroin except misery, lonliness, and financial bankruptcy. But with sobriety there is money, friendship, self confidence/self-esteem, a relationship with God/Jesus, romantic love. Sobriety is the only way to go for addicts. I quit heroin with suboxone and have almost 90 days and I am so much happier now. I have money in my pocket, a roof over my head, I look and feel great (regular exercise/ eating good/ sleeping good because of sobriety), and am having a lot of fun. Yesterday I went to six flags magic mountain with a couple of friends from AA. Sobriety doesn't have those low lows and high highs that using does, it doesn't have the chaos, the depression, the misery. It also doesn't have the amazing euphoria like heroin does, but thats the very thing that hooks people in and ruins lives. There are other ways to achieve euphoria and feeling just as great as you have on heroin. But guess what, their lasting... they won't kill you. At 17, ten years younger than me. I beg of you, get out now, swallow your pride and reach out for help. Get on suboxone, methadone, anything, to try and get some sober time. Once you get some sober time you'll start caring about how you look, your future, your goals, getting a girlfriend. And all of that will be yours if you can overcome the heroin. You already realize you have a problem and have gone to detox. Thats huge! I would encourage you to aim for a life of total sobriety, if you do that, your life will be happier and more amazing than ever using heroin or benzos would have been.

Heroin is a one way ticket to death, jails, and institutions. Even if your rich and can afford heroin everyday your tolerance will keep rising and rising, you will look like utter death, you'll loose meaningful relationships, and you'll feel so bad about being a heroin addict. Heroin is a loose-loose situation, the game is rigged and the house always wins. Embrace sobriety NOW.
 
Thanks for the support guys, its good to know im not alone in this. I had been doing heroin for about 8 months and benzos for 5 months before my parents sent me to detox. Part of my reason for relapse is because my chest has been hurting lately and its freaking me out, ive had so many fucking health issues i cant deal with it anymorr and neither can my family. It feels like theres pressure on my chest and it feels wicked tight
 
tomatalli said:
Thanks for the support guys, its good to know im not alone in this. I had been doing heroin for about 8 months and benzos for 5 months before my parents sent me to detox. Part of my reason for relapse is because my chest has been hurting lately and its freaking me out, ive had so many fucking health issues i cant deal with it anymorr and neither can my family. It feels like theres pressure on my chest and it feels wicked tight
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I totally feel you on health issues driving use. Last year I had some problems and ended up having to see an oncologist it was the longest scariest 3 months of my life. The best thing to do is just go to the doctor and get checked out. But odds are you are fine and its just anxiety related. Personally I started shooting heroin at 18 and im 24 the longest period clean from herouin I have had in that time is 6 months. I wouldnt be doing that good if it wasnt for suboxone. I dont wanna discourage you but everyone deserves toknow the truth and that is the fact this is not going away, this is a battle you will wage for the rest of your life. So dont get down about a relapse. Dont let treatment people tell you to base your happiness and self esteem on clean time thats a losing fight. Instead focus on your future goals and achieving them despite your drug issues. Its a tough road but there arent many dull moments.
 
Nah man my outpatient group therapist is real he doesnt give it to you soft he tells the way it is. Hes told us that wed deal with it the rest of our life. But your right us addicts need to hear it straight and i thankyou for that.
 
Hey whats up I hope your doing good man update this thread! I feel I should reply, not only to make me feel better about myself, but to tell you that if you stop now, by the time your my age, you will be feeling good. Im 19 right now. fucked around with opiates for about 5 years, they helped me stop drinking. They completely took over the drinking lol. I know how uncomfortable the feeling is when your sober and you just FEEL everything like if your mind is exposed, mostly to me it feels like my spiritual side is the thing heroin or other opiates fuck with the most. I havent quit, but ive done H maybe 10 times in 4 months. And for the past 2 days ive been drinking kratom...What we need to do is work on ourselves from the ground up, especially on our spirituality. You can have spirituality without religion if religion isnt your thing
 
Bro heroin doesn't work for anyone. the game is rigged and the house ALWAYS wins. You have the rest of your life man and I know you probley don't care or can't see it, but there will come a day in your life when you look around at your friends who are married and have beautiful kids and nice cars and all that and "think gee, why does my life suck so much? why am i broke, unhappy, and alone?" NOBODY is above heroin. It kills the strongest of men and will kill you too. It almost killed me. GET OUT NOW, you are going to experience pain and suffering like you've never imagined. All that can be avoided if you will listen to what we are trying to tell you. If your dependent on heroin there are easier ways than cold turkey to find a new way to live. suboxone is fantastic and has helped me so much. methadone if thats more appealing to you. Sure it may be the lesser of 2 evils but if your so unhappy with life why not take some action and change it? People make the decision to quit heroin everyday and believe it or not some people NEVER go back. Sobriety is great, it comes with so many benefits and you really get to enjoy the small things in life. Stay around BL, lean on us if your struggling, we will never turn the other way man and ignore you. NEVER.
 
i was like you too, except heroin wasn't necessarily my Drug Of Choice.
i could go about a hundred days on my own without using anything of any sort, and those spans of time were often the longest and most unhealthy of my entire life.
i was cut off from the world, hiding from my drug buddies, and living with my family, who wasn't too thrilled about that (about as much as i was)
i had moved around a bit, and still, nothing had changed.
i was trying to do it alone and failing miserably, i hated myself but knew that using would make that hatred even deeper.

long story short, i took this dude to an aa (alcoholics anonymous) meeting, and took him to an na (narcotics anonymous) meeting.
i wouldn't have been taking him had he not known i used, and that was actually how we met eachother, he was a mutual friend of my ex boyfriend's.
we kept going to the meetings but rarely did we go without each other. (i had my license, he didn't)
we were having sex and he was calling me his girlfriend, so i nipped that in the bud real quick.
however, i now knew about this place where i could go- to get out of the house when things got too tense, after work if i had had a shit day, and especially when i needed some company without resorting to going back to my old friends, i knew where that had and would get me, if only i were to go down that road

i ended up going to the na meetings on my own accord, and that has actually been the answer for me.
i get what i need there what i have found nowhere else- love, support, honesty, and companionship.
i tried drugs, more drugs, shutting myself in the house, vamping up my personal life so that i wouldn't have the chance to use, counselors-
nothing worked, na did.
i still go to meetings at least three times a week and more work permitting, i have a home with those people and in those rooms.
i'm now close to ten months clean (not sober, clean.) and haven't smoked pot, popped a pill, shot up, drank, nothing.

there are people out there who are able to stay clean and healthy without places like na,
personally i could not do it.

if possible, i would highly recommend googling narcotics anonymous and your zip code,
what you might find could save your life.
whether this is the route that you choose to take or not is up to you,
but i offer to you what has been offered to me.

best of luck with whatever troubles you may be having,
and know that it all gets better, and there is nothing that you cannot get through clean.

much love,
-pastel

feel free to send me a personal message if there's anything i can do to help.
 
So you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes! Please cut yourself some slack. Don't ever give up on yourself. Try again-you'll get it right eventually.
 
one last thing. just get off that shit and don't jump to another one. subox you can get strung out on and methodone is no good. your too young to get on that shit. the pain is horrible but its something that can keep you from relapse. you remember that pain and when your done, you can say "damn i don't ever have to go through that again. good luck
 
tomatalli said:
Im 17 years old and recently just relapsed on heroin. I made it 7 weeks clean after overdosing on dope and valium, the OD made me smarten up and go to detox. I have lost almost all my friends, weaken family relations, have not had any enjoyment unless I am high on heroin and literally hate myself. The only thing thats ever there for me is heroin so why leave it? I feel like im gonna be stuck in this whirlwind for the rest of my life, so to me its like why live through all the pain?
Click to expand...

I injected heroin for the first time when I turned 17. I thought my life couldn't get that much worse since I had experienced all these things you describe. Well, almost 7 years later I realize that had I stopped then. Things would not have been so bad. You're only getting no enjoyment out of life because heroin is constantly on your mind, fooling you that you need it to enjoy life. You do not. Don't let problems with friends and family drag you down, I know it's hard but it ain't worth it. If they can't accept who you are and help you, then at the moment they are of no use to you and might just trigger you into using more and if you can, you should avoid them. Having people yell at you and being condescending helps no one. You have to find some way to help yourself that isn't the next bag of dope. It won't make the problems go away, it will just make them seem worse and worse as time goes by. You should try to seek help, maybe rehab+detox (i know it sounds horrible) could do you some good. Get some clean months perspective on things. I'd suggest maintenance therapy but at this age I don't know, you're probably better off kicking the habit then going to rehab to get some perspective on things.
 
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