Heroin Is The Loneliest Drug

[Someone Who Is Me]

Hi Blue(and Green)lighters,

I talked a bit about this in somebody else's related thread a while ago, but it's still really bothering me. I thought it might help me (and possibly/hopefully someone else) to open it up to more general discussion.

So last year I went to rehab twice for alcohol and prescription opiates. I relapsed between the first and second time, but after the second rehab I managed to get six months clean/sober, which is the longest I've ever had since my addiction problems started. I relapsed at my six-month-mark, back in November, on oxy (and booze shortly thereafter), but by January I couldn't afford to keep up with my oxy habit, so I switched to heroin. The intention was to only use heroin when I didn't have enough money for oxy, but I never again bought oxy after that first time I bought heroin. Then, the intention was to only snort it since snorting heroin "really isn't all that different" from snorting oxy, but in April I switched to shooting the heroin during a dry spell when I needed to stretch what I had as long as I could. I never went back to snorting after that. Who ever does?

Anyway, I have this friend who is a really close friend. I don't connect well with other people. For some reason, other people seem to connect really well with me, so a lot of my friends think they have this deep, intimate relationship with me, but they actually have no idea how little of myself I've put into our friendship. I don't mean to sound like a bitch. I just have a lot of trust/abandonment issues, and I'm naturally just a more reserved, guarded person. So it's rare for me to feel like I really connect deeply with someone else. My friend, "A", though, is an exception. She's a few years older than me and way more wise and mature than any of my other friends. I really click with her and I really value her advice and her perspective on things. She's the only friend I have who I genuinely get excited to see when we have plans to hang out. Growing up, I always desperately wanted an older sibling to look up to; I'm the oldest of three and I hated it. A has kind of become like an older sister figure to me, cheesy as that sounds. I really look up to her. Her boyfriend is also a recovering addict, so in addition to everything else, she seems to have a much better understanding of addiction than the typical non-addict.

A was really supportive last year when I relapsed on booze between my first and second rehab admissions, but I still was kind of reluctant to talk to her about this most recent relapse just because I hate stressing out other people or feeling like I'm being a burden to them. The relapse kind of came into discussion of its own accord (long, separate story), so I reluctantly talked about it with her several months ago, and she reacted completely different from what I would've expected. Initially, she told me she doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with me anymore while I'm actively using, but said that she would help me in anyway she could aside from seeing me in person. That didn't last, though, because she stopped answering all of my texts and messages. I really don't think I was being obnoxious via text. I actually really didn't text her all that much, just a few times when I was feeling really shitty and depressed, kind of just looking for someone to listen, you know? She says she doesn't want to "enable me", but I don't understand how just being around through text to listen or for companionship would be enabling. Does that count as enabling? I'm not being facetious, I really don't know. I feel like really hurt by this whole situation. If the roles had been reversed, I definitely would not have used this tactic on her. Am I justified in being hurt or is her approach kind of typical? Has anybody else ever had a friend pull this before?

This is exactly why I'm always so hesitant to talk to the people in my life about my shit.

The situation with A isn't even the real problem. I think I'm just focusing on it because it represents something deeper to me. The thing is, I really have like nobody else in my life who I can talk to about any of this shit. My therapist dropped me, which sucked, because therapy was still helpful, even despite the relapse. My sponsor is still willing to hang out with me once a week or so, but she's like weirdly not willing to talk about anything real. Whenever I try to open up to her about how I'm feeling or shit I'm dealing with, she seems really uncomfortable and switches the topic to light-hearted topics or starts joking around. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I really envy junkies who know other junkies. I'm the only heroin addict I know. I use heroin alone only. Hell, if nothing else, it would at least be a fucking relief to have somebody else to shoot up with, sad as that sounds. I mean shit, I have two goddamn Narcan hits on my coffee table, and they're completely useless because I'm alone every time I push off.

Thanks for reading all of this. I guess the whole point of this post is that Bluelight is a really good resource for those of us who don't have anybody else. Sorry for the rant 8(.

 

[herbavore]

That is a pretty heartbreaking post.

I have a hard time with the concept of enabling myself. I can understand how it could be applied to specific things like giving financial support so that the addicted person can continue to deny that they have no money to support him/herself. I can understand some twisted relationships where the person holds psychological power over the addicted person as long as the person stays dependent. But I think the term gets thrown around a lot more than it should. Not only that but sometimes what is construed as enabling is actually a desperate measure to save a life.

I think your friend probably was receiving at least some pressure from her partner. Perhaps he feels threatened or vulnerable due to your relapse and he has made this known to her. Having said that, I think she could have been more transparent about that if it is the case. Simply dropping out of your life is harsh. Sometimes, though, it is important to try to think from the other person's perspective in order not to take it too personally. Maybe she has been burned in the past by someone with an addiction and this is affecting her trust. As a person that has a hard time trusting others you may feel less hurt if you can look at it as just her version of the same thing.

Do you want to stop? It sounds like loneliness and isolation are two things that keep you using and now using has even deepened the problem for you because you have lost (at least temporarily) a person that you cared about. Find a new therapist and get back to uncovering what need heroin is filling. There are always non-drug ways to fill the emptiness but the problem is that they take a lot of time to discover and integrate whereas a drug gives you instant gratification. But the obvious reward is that sober strategies for dealing with everything from past trauma to the existential pain of being human are permanent whereas drugs are both temporary and somewhat unreliable, aside from complicating your life and dividing you from yourself.

I have an idea concerning your friend. What if you were to write to her and let her know that you are really sorry that she is no longer in your life. You miss her friendship and support and while you can respect her boundaries you do not want to lose the friendship altogether. Writing that would be hard because you are allowing this experience to solidify your belief that "people can't be trusted". But it would be an act of trust on your part and that could be good for you regardless of what she does with it. In a way trust is very much like forgiveness--it is the self-healing that is important.

I'm glad you made this thread. It broke my heart to read it but at the same time I feel very hopeful for you because you have one very important skill already: introspection. Getting past an addiction is all about first learning your self--your true self, not the one made up over the years to present to the judgmental world-- and secondly to heal what needs healing inside.

 

[Ds]

Heroin is like a warm hug. Something I never really had a lot of growing up.

 

[spacejunk]

I guess the whole point of this post is that Bluelight is a really good resource for those of us who don't have anybody else.

it is! it very much is.

i'm actually really blessed, socially - because i'm part of a couple of different communities (i'm a musician and do a little bit of environmental/political activism) and i have a pretty large group of friends and acquaintances considering how much of an introvert i am - but i still get so much value out of my relationships with people in the bluelight community!
it's sort of hard to explain, but i love my friends on here as much as i love the friends i hang out with in person.

when i started using bluelight, i had been addicted to opiates for something like 6 years. none of my "real life" friends knew i had a habit.
it was kinda scary, because i knew someday it may all unravel (and it did).
a couple of the people i really connected with on bluelight were fellow opiate addicts, and also australians. back then, i lived on the other side of the country to them, but now i live in the same city.
all three of us have stopped using, as far as i know - and we are all doing the best we can to get on with our lives.
i'm still sort of amazed at what we have all achieved, and in spite of what we have all been through, and what lead us to this point, i feel fortunate to have been able to make this journey with them. i became close with them while we were all just talking about ways to get high and stay high - but we have all made our own separate - but certainly not alone - paths to surviving and hopefully defeating our respective opiate addictions.
we shared tips and tricks to getting high or staving off WDs - like we'd discuss the best methods for making poppy tea, or what to take to use as "comfort meds" while we were detoxing and going through the sickness.
nowadays, we talk about how we get through life without going back to dope, and remind one another why we don't want to go back to those dark days.
or we can even vent about how much we'd love to get really high and nod out right now! we can say that to one another, because if we said it to someone who has never been like us - they'd probably be more worried than necessary. venting can be incredibly therapeutic.
we can supprt one another and are able to totally empathise because we know what it's like.
unfortunately "real life" friendships can sometimes be the total opposite.

one of my theories is, that like all wars, "the war on drugs" operates by dehumanising us. it enables cops to bust us, judges to sentence us, various people to invade our privacy - or simply disregard us.
it means that to the average person, who has not had a great deal of experience with drugs or addiction sees someone with a chemical dependance as an addict or a junkie, and not an individual real genuine struggles, feelings and emotional needs.

on the other hand, your friend may be unable to deal with your drug use because she's terrified of it.
some of the hardest emotions are feelings of powerlessness to help people, especially if they know that you're not in control of it yourself.
the knowledge that someone you care about is in a scary, dangerous, potentially life-threatening situation - and that as your friend really she can't do much to change that, may be too hard for her to process, so she can only cope by pushing you away.
i'm just making a couple of speculative educated guesses there, but suffice to say - it's complicated, and heroin addiction is a very hard thing for people to understand.
to a lot of folks, it's probably a "deal-breaker" in terms of who they will be friends with, but i sometimes think that if people feel that way, it is their loss - of all the heroin addicts i've known, i would say that a substantial number of them have been extradordinary, remarkable people to know and be around.
i had to go to an inpatient detox clinic a couple of years ago, and about 3/4 of the people in there were so nice that i would happily sat around playing cards with them even if we weren't staying there to get off drugs. addiction doesn't discriminate, and quite a few of the people i've known to succumb to drug addictions over the years have tended be sensitive, perceptive souls who found that narcotic drugs like opiates take some of the sharp edges off the harsh realties of life.
most addicts aren't the fiends or fools with a death-wish as we are made out to be by a lot of media and prohibition propaganda.

anti-drug propaganda has trained us to think that we can never trust an addict - that we are all desperate, conniving, disingenuous thieves who think nothing of others, and would steal the wedding ring off their grandmother's finger for a fix.

i'm sorry to hear that your friend judges you like this - and i agree with everything herby says -

I have an idea concerning your friend. What if you were to write to her and let her know that you are really sorry that she is no longer in your life. You miss her friendship and support and while you can respect her boundaries you do not want to lose the friendship altogether. Writing that would be hard because you are allowing this experience to solidify your belief that "people can't be trusted". But it would be an act of trust on your part and that could be good for you regardless of what she does with it. In a way trust is very much like forgiveness--it is the self-healing that is important.

i have never really discussed my battles with addiction with people who didn't already know i was a pretty wild drug user (i made no secret of that - just that i was an addict) but long before my opiate use was known about outside of a small group of my drug using friends, i dated a girl who was really mentally ill.
when i broke up with her, she passionately hated me ("hell hath no fury...") told everyone i knew (and plenty of people i didn't know - anyone that would listen) what a raging, violent, abusive junkie i was.
quite a few of these stories got back to me, through friends who knew she was lying - but i know that she deliberately poisoned my reputation in (what was once) our social circle.

it was malicious and calculated on her part, and for a while, i really felt that a few people were giving me the cold shoulder, after she'd told them that she'd seen me shooting up in the middle of the street, or that kind of thing. god knows what else - she was really a nasty person.
as time went on, most of the people that actually mattered to me came to realise that she was lying. it was pretty obvious i suppose - i'm a gentle kind of guy, and she's a really loud-mouthed angry person.

but the stigma of addiction is very real.
my addiction was a secret from everyone for many years. i think it was 9 years, before my poor girlfriend (not the crazy ex, but my current gf) discovered what i'd been hiding from her for years, and suddenly it was out in the open, and i was forced to deal with it.

i can relate to your loneliness, because opiate addiction is isolating anyway. the deeper you go, the more socially detached you tend to become (at least in my experience).

i was really lucky with the addiction i fell into, because i was able to maintain a habit mostly on opium tea (from poppy and seeds) and codeine - neither of which ever came close to killing me, and there was no chance of getting fentanyl by mistake. which isn't to say i didn't use smack or other black market opiates, but i didn't need them, so it never felt risky in that way; the only thing i was afraid of was being dope sick.
i must admit the thread you started a couple of weeks ago had me feeling worried for you.
navigating all of this on your own must be so scary.
from a harm reduction point of view, it's really important now, more than ever (especially in north america) to not use black market opiates on your own.
there is no way to save yourself from an overdose, or call an ambulance - let alone administer narcan or something - if you are by yourself.

i don't want to sound patronising or preachy - because i totally respect everybody's right to use whatever drugs they want to, but your isolation, combined with the desperate situations you've been finding yourself in sometimes - makes me hope you have some kind of desire to manage your addiction in a safer way.
i can't remember if i've already asked you this, but is maintenance (methadone or buprenorphine) an option for you?
and if so, do you think your friend may be reopening communications with you?

while it may seem less supportive than a face-to-face dialogue with someone, i can honestly say i've had some of the most amazing support from people in this online community.
i really think of my bluelight friends as a type of family, and that's something that only grows stronger when i've met those people in person.
it's really quite a beautiful thing to be able to open up to people who not only accept you for who you are (drugs or no drugs) and understand.

if you want to vent or talk about stuff, i'm pretty much always available if you want to hit me up by PM or talk in threads like this - drug addiction is one of the most isolating things you can go through, and it's a really important part of how bluelight operates, in the sense that we are here to spread harm reduction information, but also that social contact with other likeminded, non-judgemental people online is great harm reduction in itself.
it's one of the reasons we have subforums about all kinds of stuff, from politics to music and sports to the social threads and the lounge. i've made some really great friends on bluelight, some of whom i've spent heaps of time hanging out with, others i've never met - but they're as "real" as the friends i made at university or whatever

i wish i had better advice as to how to deal with this situation with your friend, because it's understandably causing you a lot of hurt.

please don't be a stranger though - drop me a pm if you wanna have a chat or get something off your chest or talk something through. i know for a lot of people, just contributing to the 'word association' threads or joking around in the lounge can be a nice way of interacting with people, mundane as that may sound.
there are some cool people on bluelight, and plenty of people worth talking to.
and for the most part, having some issues with drugs isn't something most bluelighters are going to hold against you

 

[HoldBack]

I literally have my phone out of battery for days at a time because there's not going to be anybody trying to talk to me. I used to have friends but they are all gone at this point. The hardest one for me to accept was a friend I had during high school. We were friends before drug use started and during all the experimentation. At some point during heroin addiction he stopped caring to be my friend. He won't ever really respond to me. I never did anything to him (lie, steal, etc.) yet he still decided he didn't want to be friends with me.

This always bothered me because I never saw myself as a different person, I didn't try to distance myself from him like I have from other people, and I never did anything to hurt him so why did we stop being friends?

It just makes me wonder how much a decade of addiction has changed me. I still see myself as having the same basic characteristics but maybe I am much more different now than I was.

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

So this was only the second time I've ever posted a topic, and just like with the first time, I was super worried as I was writing that I was going to pour a bunch of really personal shit out onto the internet, nobody was going to respond to me and I was going to feel like an idiot. I was actually nervous enough about it that I was afraid to log back in and check my messages, haha. But then I did and saw all of these amazing, long, heartfelt responses and it seriously made me feel all warm and fuzzy and not alone for the first time in months. So thank you guys!

I'm going to respond to each of you, but it might take a little bit of time. I'm sorry for the delay!

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

It is! I actually described it the exact same way recently to a friend of mine who asked me what heroin is like. He's never tried anything other than weed, so I didn't know how to describe it to him, not being able to compare it to any other drugs. I told him it was like the air around you growing arms and swaddling you up. I have intimacy issues stemming from childhood too, definitely an unmet need for nurture. So it makes sense that we would be drawn to what I once heard described in a documentary as "the mother drug". It's like a recreation of the womb.

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

It is! I actually described it the exact same way recently to a friend of mine who asked me what heroin is like. He's never tried anything other than weed, so I didn't know how to describe it to him, not being able to compare it to any other drugs. I told him it was like the air around you growing arms and swaddling you up. I have intimacy issues stemming from childhood too, definitely an unmet need for nurture. So it makes sense that we would be drawn to what I once heard described in a documentary as "the mother drug". It's like a recreation of the womb.

Sorry, that was a reply to D's. Not sure if it showed up that way.

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

I literally have my phone out of battery for days at a time because there's not going to be anybody trying to talk to me. I used to have friends but they are all gone at this point. The hardest one for me to accept was a friend I had during high school. We were friends before drug use started and during all the experimentation. At some point during heroin addiction he stopped caring to be my friend. He won't ever really respond to me. I never did anything to him (lie, steal, etc.) yet he still decided he didn't want to be friends with me.

This always bothered me because I never saw myself as a different person, I didn't try to distance myself from him like I have from other people, and I never did anything to hurt him so why did we stop being friends?

It just makes me wonder how much a decade of addiction has changed me. I still see myself as having the same basic characteristics but maybe I am much more different now than I was.

I'm really sorry, that must've been so rough . Losing friends is so hard, especially when they don't seem to recognize how much we need them! I obviously can't speak for you, but in my case, I have a lot of trouble reaching out for support from the people I care about because I'm terrified of seeming needy or clingy. When this particular friend dropped out, it felt like this intense abandonment, but I couldn't even speak out against it because I don't really know how to on an emotional level, if that makes any sense. It's like this extreme neediness that I can't even give a voice to because I don't feel like I'm allowed to, or the shame of seeming needy would be too intense, so I just sit feeling abandoned and without a voice.

I get how you feel too, wondering what you've ever done to this person. Like spacejunk mentions in his (or her?) post, there is this stereotype of addicts as conniving and manipulative, but I think that stereotype is kind of blown out of proportion. Not that I've never done anything shitty to support my addiction, because I definitely have, but it's not like I was stealing money from this friend or stealing her shit. I've always been really upfront and honest with her, I've never put her in any dangerous situations or dragged her through the ghetto at night with me or anything like that. She told me that she didn't want to hang out with me knowing that I could be high because she wouldn't feel like she was hanging out with me, rather some strung out, blitzed, junkie version of myself, I guess. I don't think she realizes how little heroin actually changes me. I mean the rush itself lasts what, like thirty seconds at the most? So as soon as I'm not nodding out anymore, I'm pretty much my normal self. I have a good friend who knows I have a "history" with heroin but does not know I'm actively using. He constantly says shit like, "I can't imagine you as a drug addict" or "It's so weird to me to know that you used to go shoot up heroin after work. That's so not like the you I know. You so don't seem like someone who used to be a junkie." He doesn't even realize that he's now known me before and through a relapse without noticing any change. The me he knows is the same me who goes home after work and shoots up. He just has this stereotype of a drug addict in his head, and the compassionate empathetic friend who he's gotten so close to over the past year doesn't mesh with that stereotype.

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

Spacejunk, firstly, thanks for the friend request . I know we've talked about this stuff before, although I can't remember which topic it was under. But regardless, you've now read through my long-winded ranty posts twice and given long, well-worded and thoughtful responses both times, which is no small feat and I really appreciate it. I'm not great at reaching out for help when I actively need it, so I'll get a jump-start on myself by PMing you my response to this post . Stay tuned, friend!

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

Hey, herbavore, thanks for the very wise response. You're point about A's boyfriend pressuring her to drop contact with me is a really good one. I didn't even think of that. He actually relapsed right around the time I did, but he caught it right away and went to a residential place immediately. (I don't know this guy personally, but money doesn't seem to be an issue for him. He's able to afford rehab for even the smallest lapses that don't even require a medical detox. I'm not sure how he pulls that off.) My feeling of rejection was actually made even worse by the fact that A actively supported her boyfriend through his relapse and rehab afterwards, but dropped me so easily. I get that, of course, a boyfriend is much, much more important than a friend, but you'd think supporting a boyfriend with an addiction would be more difficult for this reason.

You're right, though, I should try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure she isn't doing this out of malice or to intentionally hurt me. But she doesn't seem to understand what enabling is. Like you said, it's not providing moral support to an addict who's struggling. I think it would actually be easier for me to get into recovery if I had people around me encouraging me to do so. Right now, it's just me trying to get myself into recovery with no accountability at all. And anyone who's ever had an addiction knows that commitment to recovery tends to come and go randomly and never stick for very long. This morning, for example, I kept having panic attack after panic attack and it was awful. I'm low on cash again, facing the possibility of running out of dope by the end of the week and I was trying to take today off. So this morning, I was determined to get back into recovery because I felt so awful. I even met with my sponsor and broke down crying (which I seriously almost never do) over how badly I just want out of this shit. But then my guy hooked me up with more dope and reduced my price a bit to make it more manageable, I gave up on my detox day and got high and now I'm having second thoughts about rushing into recovery this week.

I did talk to A, actually, a few weeks ago. A common friend of ours said something to her about how I've seemed out of it at work a lot, so she texted me to ask how I was doing. I sent her an awkward little spiel about how I'm respecting her boundaries but I want to go back to being friends with her when I get clean someday, and asked her not to "forget about me", haha. She said that reconnecting again in the future was of course her intention and some other stuff about how she's thinking about me all the time even though we're not talking. Which was nice. So I at least know she means well. Still, though, it'll be weird possibly returning to a friendship that I know is contingent on my mental health.

Therapist-wise, I'm a little hesitant to find yet another one. This is actually not the first therapist to give me the boot due to my lack of sobriety . In fact, this seems to be a common approach among therapists dealing with depressed/anxious addicts. The first time I went to rehab, actually, was because I really liked my therapist at the time and she was going to drop me if I didn't get sober. I had a bit more resolve then. But right now, with everything else, I don't know if I have any mental energy left over for therapy. Which is I guess the logic behind my therapist kicking me out.

Anyway, thanks again for replying to me. I feel so shitty about myself these days. This is becoming possibly the darkest phase of my life. It's nice to have some encouragement .

 

[Erikmen]

We are not here to provide you with information about where you can find drugs. We can help you deal with drug's issues in a less harmful way.

 

[beebox]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's bloody heartbreaking and no addict should ever have to go through abandonment, but it's all too common, and that's so sad.

My best friend of nearly 20 years dropped me several months ago. She said the exact same thing your friend said, that she didn't want to "enable me." This came after years and years of support. I never thought that she would ever turn her back on me, but I was very, very wrong. Today the pain of her actions is still very real. Yes, I did make the decision to do cocaine for the first time, but I never planned for my life to turn out the way it has. And it isn't about her, and she's making it so. To me, that action, the action of your friend and of mine, is very selfish. But again, it's all too common and I'm very sorry you've had to endure it.

I've always associated loneliness with addiction and vice-versa. I'm lonely so I'll use, I'll use because I'm lonely. That's the one thing that many non-addicts don't seem to understand - how lonely all of this can be, and how their actions (i.e. leaving) only puts us right back onto that cycle of addiction. Like I said, it's a selfish move and my heart breaks for you, as I know exactly what you're feeling.

But I promise you that you aren't alone. No matter what your addiction might tell you, you're not alone.

 

[DoctorMolecule]

It's the shitty vicious cycle, friends drop you, more isolation, more using, more friends drop you, more using etc. Keep talking to us on Bluelight, although we don't know you personally, we all love a good success story of overcoming addiction. Keep us posted on how you're doing

 

[d3athadone]

I know what you mean about the isolation. Damn I feel hella isolated right now. I've used alone for the past few years, but I know what its like to have a group of junkie friends. Its def a better junky lifestyle no doubt. I feel you want off tho and that is why you are alone. Thats why I am aloen anyway. Those people are bad influences. I don't really have any words of advice or anything. I read your post and can relate to a lot of it. Only way to get free of isolation is free of the drug imo. Unless you choose to just be an addict for an indefinite period in that case its not hard to find junky friends. Score at a methadone clinic. I met most my junkie friends at the clinic. Find someone cool looking and ask them. Chances r they r using neway. If not you could probably meet them on here even. I've met people from bluelight b4. THe problem with junkie friends tho is its always a predatory game. Everyone is constantly at war with the world and trying to not be sick at all costs. It gets pretty brutal. The other thing is you never feel really close with junky friends and they will rob you blind if the opportunity is ever worth it. Not all are like that tho.

 

[Erikmen]

I can also relate to being lonely and alone. After all, being on opiates for so long all I wanted was to be left alone to be "comfortably numb". I could have my family, friends and so many people around me but instead I pushed them away. I thought I could handle everything when in fact I was handling nothing but my addiction, barely. This drug isolates us all. I feel bad I've lost so much of my life thinking I could live forever like that. Believing I was a better person, a cool dad, as long as I wasn't challenged. Deep inside I've always thought that was wrong and I feel bad for having stopped and relapsed so many times. Now I'm feeling more confident, it was a long time ago and I strongly wish that it stays like that. I can surely say I learned more in 2,5 years about me and the other than I had for a decade or more. I know it's difficult and I try to focus on the present but I feel I'm ready to go on, if I fall I hope I know my way back.

We all have our stories and losses, I'm sorry for yours. It's true the only way to to get the isolation away from you is to beat the drug that's pushing away. It's tough, sometimes we'll fail but in others we won't. I wish everyone much peace and love. We can all beat this.

I often thank Bluelight for giving me the tools and the knowledge I needed to stop. I had made it before but not for so long. Now I'm fine for sometime and that has allowed me to live so much better. Despite of the difficult times in the beginning I found in here a place I felt comfortable and where I could be honest about me. And I'm quite grateful for that. I wish everything works out for you just as well.

 

[rainyday107]

Hi,

I agree your friend doesn't seem to understand what "enabling" means....or maybe she feels guilty and was unable to communicate more clearly (I'll explain below).

I am wondering if your friend knows she's not enabling you - I'd imagine she'd come to understand what enabling means since her partner is an addict.

Your last contact with her ... that a great sign. However, I think you are mistaken that it's mainly about your mental health. I think it's about hers, too. A relationship takes two - relationship dynamics are never just about one ... it takes two.

I think your friend cares about you VERY much. She may have trouble with self-care, in the sense that we can't care for anyone else if we are not putting our own care first. She has a lot on her plate with her partner's addiction cycle. I know that my partner was really hurting before I recovered from my alcoholism. I had a relapse and I did immediately go to detox and treatment and I'm doing well now, but I'm sure it was terribly stressful because he really loves me and was scared about the path I was on (death). I wonder if your friend is experiencing this and, also, her relationship dynamics with her partner .... no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. The situation may be more complicated and just terrifbly hard on her.

People that have a lot of empathy often don't talk about "their stuff" when they are being supportive to someone they care about and need support. In your situation, that would be her partner and you. She may have trouble setting personal boundaries...I have been guilty of this: I was at a psychiatrist appointment and he does some psychotherapy with me. I was expressing concern about a friend that was going through hard times, etc. He listened for awhile and stopped me. He said, "rainy, you are NOT her therapist." And, he's correct. I was taking on her issues and it was my own doing. I have psychiatric illnesses in addition to my recovery - I needed to focus on me.

It's very difficult because when someone I care about is hurting, I automatically want to make it all better and be there for them as much as they need. I still struggle with putting my self-care first and I'm working in therapy on it.

Perhaps your friend is similar? There is a term called "compassion fatigue" and it is very real. I am no stranger to compassion fatigue. I won't go into different scenarios, but perhaps Google it if you think your friend may be overwhelmed.

Her not wanting to be with you while you are using probably is triggering for her, as her partner struggles with addiction. I think she probably was already suffering from compassion fatigue when she told you she would stay in touch with you, but not in person. She feels guilty but she couldn't be there for you (at least for now) and we all know that we can't make an active user sober.

I think she feels bad and may have blurted out "enabling" - she projected her issues of lack of her own self-care onto you. She used "enabling" to "give herself permission" to take care of herself. She can't be your "therapist" and you didn't ask her to be. I think she feels guilty.

I may be off base. I just have been on both sides of the coin....addict and a loved one (my brother) an addict.

i think she cares about you very much. I think she needs space and you'll have future contact, but I think she really needs support of her own. That's her issue, her responsibility and she needs to seek support from some who is a therapist, a support group, or simply someone that isn't battling addiction. She needs a break from addiction and being a support person.

Im an introvert, too. I'm an addict, too. I'm in no way judging you and I may be off-base. If I am, please disregard my post - but I do think she cares very much. I think she needs her own support and she may be taking steps to do that...you care about her so I imagine you want the best for her.

Give it time. If she contacts you, gently encourage her to tell you how *she* is doing. Her, specifically. Support her. I hope your friendship rekindles and you can be there for each other. Your friendship may deepen even more. Or, she may go her own way. That can be painful but it's OK. It isn't an abandonment as we are responsible for our own selves and sometimes relationships end. Lifetime marriages end every day, for example. Friendships end, too. Some marriages are forever, some friendships are life-long. Life isn't static, which is not always a bad thing. I think it's a good thing, overall.

You deserve support but I think you need to consider another option. I hope I communicated this well - take care. You're worth it.

xo

 

[rainyday107]

PS: As I said, give it time. However, if you decide you are ready to get back into treatment and get to where you're in a good "space" in your sobriety--that could be a time to contact her. You could send her a snail mail card. A "thinking of you" card where you tell her you re entered treatment, are sober and doing well with a support system.

Keep it brief, but update her. And then ask how SHE is doing. Tell her you'd love to meet for coffee to catch up, as you care about her, value the friendship and that you're there for her, as she has been there for you. Let her take the next step...don't put a time limit ("call me next week so we can get together"). Tell her you hope she's well. Say you understand if she's needing space, but that you're thinking of her and you're there for her...and to contact you anytime.

 

[Erikmen]

^ I totally agree.

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

Hi everyone! I hate to bump such an old thread, but just wanted to say thank you so much for all of you wonderful people who gave me encouraging, nonjudgmental advice when I posted this . I was in such a dark place back then and you guys really did make me feel less alone, which is just so invaluable in the throws of active addiction.

I actually ended up going to rehab again, back in August, which is why I haven?t logged on in such a long time. Six months clean on the 17th!! ?A? and I are friends again too. She apologized to me for this whole thing, said she just didn?t know how to handle it, talked about it at an Al Anon meeting and they advised her to cut contact with me. She regrets doing it, though, and says she really did mean well.

You guys are all awesome. And spacejunk, I?m sorry for being a stranger. I truly appreciate the reach out, then and now. Stay strong out there, errbody .