Heroin is one hell of a drug! My Struggle

[Restless23]

Ok this is gonna be long but here we go it all started 6 mos out of the military got into a really bad car accident. In fact a school bus hit the wrangler so hard I'm lucky to be alive. Well anyway past all the bull I had a herniated disc with a pinched nerve and slipped disc I dnt remember the numbers. I was immediately put in pain managaement bc of the situation with the school bus being under state insurance..

within 2 mos I was on 150mg a day oxy regiment. I never really took pills in high school so dont kno wat was getting into. After a while the pills werent enough and started smoking heroin. Still taking the pills.. then I got to the point where I was selling entire script for heroin. Then I started banging maybe 6-15 bags a day.. this all happened between 12'-14'.. then from 14' til nov of 15' I lost doc due to failed piss test..

pills were main income so now hit rock bottom.. lost connections to all family not welcome at social gatherings bc of history. Never stole from family or hurt family in and way financially.. have a fiance been with for 8 years through everything the good bad and the worse.. she is clean smokes pot only. Jan 4 banged 6.. clean for 12 days banged 3 bags 2 days ago.. feel absolutely terrible no wd jus mentally.. been reading countless threads and posts and bc of this website was even to make it to 12 days..

thats the first time in 4 yrs no opiates.. jus wanna be happy again and i kno thats in the long run..this drug has thoroughly ruined my life and jus want to move on.. she cant trust a word and dont blame her it jus hurts more... a little background mom was a heroin addict I had to pick up the slack.. I hated my mom for yrs bc of it..

so the fact I bacame one myself beats me up even more.. younger brother very impressional I am addicted and younger sister who I raised is supposed to be her hero but cant even look at myself in the mirror.. father was an addict to but never banged and now he is remarried with own family and I'm not welcome... sorry for such the long post.. comment back if u can thnxx..

 

[ziddla.]

I feel you bro. Going thru similar trials and tribulations myself. Living with an addict, at least i got a roof over my head and can provide for myself. If it wasnt for hustling id be dead. i am 2 days clean right now tryin to stay on the right track. what part of the country you from?

 

[Restless23]

Nj born n raised but im livin in pa with my girl now.. i feel u though hustlin kept me alive for the last 6 yrs

 

[T. Calderone]

Yes opiates can ruin your life quickly and it's a good thing you're realizing that you need to quit. This is the first step in admitting you have a problem. Look at it this way, it didn't happen overnight so it's going to take some time to get better. Have you considered detoxing in a rehab facility? Most insurance companies will cover at least a 25 day stay. If you're able to do this and feel you're ready, I'd say rehab is the way to go. You have to really have a strong will to get clean on your own without help.

As far as family goes, once they see you're done with drugs hopefully they will come around. I know it hurts to be left out and this makes your feelings of isolation even worse. Don't let them shame you because they are not perfect either. Nobody is. Try to visualize the life you have now versus the life you wish to have. You can be that person again that your siblings look up to. Give yourself a chance and you will be amazed what you can accomplish!

By the way, I edited your post so it's in the first person. We just use "me" here. Welcome to Bluelight!
(homeless ----- > The Dark Side)

 

[Restless23]

As far as rehab goes im only saying that i dont think it would be for me i can obviously get through the physical temptations it jus comes down to the mental ones. I get so depressed and full of anxiety the fact of having to see people and try to take on everyday life overwhelms we. Everyday seems like another day not to go on.. at first i thought i needed the drugs to function physically now that im cleanish i feel like i used the drug for my mental issues... i never really considered suicide being a catholic but at times its seems like that or settle for some methadone or suboxone so at leat i dont feel like this..

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You need to try suboxone or methadone, whichever one is easier to obtain, works better for you or whatever. When you are coming off heavy, prolonged use it's just too freaking hard. I couldn't do it, l tried to just quit with no maintenance and quickly l was in a vicious cycle of relapsing and kicking. It was terrible. When l got on Subs is when l could avoid being tempted. It takes time, it's an individual process, but so worth it. Good luck to you!

 

[kapheen']

I would HIGHLY advise against considering and seeking out a methadone maintenance program. You think kicking junk is a bitch? Methadone is 100x worse. I was on methadone for 8 years. Albeit, a rather high dose (220mgs). It took me almost a year to kick that, cold turkey, while in prison, in solitary confinement. Granted, you can taper down and get off eventually, but I still don't think it's worth it. If you don't have the strength to stay away yourself, don't feel bad, most of us don't, I would suggest trying suboxone. I've been on it for 2.5 years or so now, low dose (2.66mg's a day). It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I was clean for 3 years. Then I started fucking up again and realized I'm just not at the point in my life where I'm capable of staying sober. I'm 38 now. I've been an opiate addict since I was 21. My addiction started similar to yours. I shattered my left knee, ended up on oxy for a couple months. I had never done any kind of investigating or constrictive reading, so when they took me off I had no clue what I was in for. Before I knew it I was shooting 4-6 bundles of dope a day. It's been a LONG ride.

I was lucky enough to regain my family and their trust. I now work and stay busy. I function rather well in all aspects of my life. Methadone was just another high for me. I'd feed it with benzoes and live in a bubble. I would never recommend methadone to anyone. Getting on methadone was one of the worst decisions I've made in my life. Stay strong. You've obviously got a decent amount of strength and will power. Staying away for 12 days is a HUGE accomplishment. I've been turning to bluelight for years for aid when I'm low. The people here are intelligent and you're almost always guaranteed to find someone you can relate to. Good luck.