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Detox Heroin Detox Journal

I have to be honest - the depression ended up worsening and was killing me...and I ended up smoking for a few days in a row. A bag a day for about 3 or 4 days in a row just at the 2 week mark. It's not a massive amount, but enough to be feeling feel minor withdrawals. I had 2 solid weeks of clean time before that slip so I'm hoping they'll be over with in a few days now considering that I've nipped it in the bud. Thankfully I have some Lyrica left (took one yesterday and one this morning because I didnt sleep much which knocked me out for an extra couple of hours) and some diazepam which like an idiot I took forgetting that the Lyrica pretty much cancels out so that was a waste but the rest are there for when the lyrica are gone and if/when the anxiety hits at some stage during the psychological part/PAWS .

Pissed at myself but at least I've caught it before it spun out of control. I just need to keep reminding myself that the psychological process is just temporary - the same as I did with the physical withdrawal process, which in itself was bad enough but Christ alive man the psychological withdrawal this time around has been a whole other trip to hell and far worse than the physical withdrawal. I was able to stay away from using during the whole two weeks of the physicals but only made it a couple of days into the psychological part and caved.

Anyway like I said I nipped it in the bud. I still cant sleep for any more than 3 or 4 hours a night and then when I wake up I'm little sweaty and achy but very depressed. I'm not going to dwell on it, it is what it is, it happened and its over with. I forced myself out of bed today and took a shower etc - took every bloody ounce of motivation within me (and trust me I'm almost running on empty in that department) but I did it and I feel better for doing it. Going to do the very same tomorrow and everyday henceforth and get into the habit of it.

Now I just have to wait for the depression to fade and I'll be fine. Glad I got this off my chest. Thanks to everyone for your continued support - hope I haven't let any of you down folks. I just have to trust the process, remember the progress I've made and that I can do this.
 
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gaaaahhhhh mate i know you probably don't wanna hear this but every time you use is gonna make things worse, both physically and psychologically.

there is no way around that brain regulation in early recovery. and rebalancing to learn what a normal high is vs a heroin high.

this is why its so so important to concentrate on the psychological side of addiction and recovery. and for that you need outside help.

distraction works to some extent but its fundamentally unsustainable.

well done for getting out of bed and having a shower. that is a great step. if you can manage that tomorrow, see if you can add something else small and build it up that way.

you will get through this, and your life will be better for it. please find every avenue for help in your area and spam them until they provide you with some support.
 
No no that's totally cool mate, I appreciate you even responding (I thought everyone in the thread would have been like 'fuck this guy he's a lost cause) and what you wrote back with was exactly what I needed to hear.
The last time I did this I didn't get any PAWS at all but I was exercising from day 12 onwards so it makes sense that I wouldn't have. I'd have done the same this time around but financially things have been tight for the last two weeks so I haven't been able to get my bike repaired. I've been taking multi-vitamins every day though and next Monday I'll be able to leave my bike around to the shop for repairs and collect it when I get paid Thursday week which should leave time enough for the physicals to fade and then when I get the bike back I can get back to daily exercising. It'll take a bit of discipline at first (then again without discipline you'd never get sober) but once I get on the bike I wont want to get off it.

But yeah - I'll do the same tomorrow and on top of that I'll do some study and I'll do the same the day after and schedule my next exam for Saturday. I have 21 days to finish the course I'm doing (I've three exams remaining) which is just enough time as long as I don't procrastinate. Shouldn't be a problem as I know stagnancy and boredom in early recovery always leads to me slipping up so I'm going to keep with the attitude I adopted today which is instead of lying in bed thinking about doing what I'm about to do, just doing it. The longer I lye there on the damn phone the less of a chance I have of doing it and before I know it it's 4pm and I've done nothing with the day which just makes you feel like shit.

I understand distraction isn't the ultimate answer and I completely agree with you that's its fundamentally unsustainable too. That's the same conclusion I came to while I was lying in bed all night (and morning), because what happens when I have downtime? It's inevitable that I will, so I need to get down to finding out the fundamental reason behind why the reasons for me using in the first place exist and how to deal with my triggers - something only an experienced addiction specialist can afford me the opportunity to. Fortunately my GP does know someone he can refer me to however I think they may be private, which in itself isn't an issue as long as they take the medical card (meaning I get a discount due to currently being on Job Seekers Allowance (a form of social welfare - for which I'm very grateful for but also embarrassed about and want to get off ASAP).

Thanks so much for you support @chinup - I already feel a little better after writing about what happened and having gotten a message back with some constructive criticism.
 
@endlessnameless i will never, ever, give up on someone on here while they are still trying.

for exercise you can do other stuff surely? even a walk would help, getting outside is v helpful for me. have gotten massively into running. or if its awful outside that cunt joe wicks will give you a good workout free on youtube.

certainly just doing things is better, instead of pondering them forever and convincing yourself not to and getting even more bored and depressed. like literally any tiny thing you can use to get yourself out of bed is great. i have to manipulate myself into doing things i don't want to all the time.

the other week i climbed fucking mount olympus- 2k ascent in 1 day. and then to get to the proper peak i had to do an hour and a half of deathly scary scrambling. it was fucking horrendous. but basically i was like 'i'll just go up to the refuge,' then when i got there i could miss my chance to summit olympus and get pissed all afternoon, or i could head up the next k ascent. i was certain i wasn't going to do the death scramble at the end. then i got there and i was like 'well i'll just try going down the first bit and see how i get on,' it was fucking horrendous but the guide didn't tell me i shouldn't continue so i kept going. so i fucking did it. that's a dramatic example but for every difficult thing i've ever done i've basically been certain i won't do it but i'll at least try at step 1. and then on step 1, i'm like well on a roll now so on with step 2. it works.

even with doing my literal job, cos i am 100% remote and do research i can fuck about all day and no one would notice as long as i wasn't doing that every day. i find it hard to get motivated so i'm like, ok, open the command line terminal. once i'm in there it seems silly not to at least navigate to the folder i want to be in.... eventually i get so much done that i've had £8k in payrises over the course of 1 year....

so yeah, if you hadn't noticed i'm a big proponent of breaking things down into the most manageable chunks possible, and just commiting to one at a time.

i'm glad your GP is referring you, surely it hsould at least be heavily discounted if they are doing the referral. what about the drugs services? they should have groups etc. also check out if there's any bereavement counselling charities about? NA/SMART?

tbh i see a private therapist, i was lucky when i was straight out of rehab my parents lent me the money to see her, she is great so 3 years later i still see her regularly. so if there's any way you can find someone privately, even if you have to borrow money to do it, then do. earlier in recovery i did loads of groups at the drugs services, 90 in 90, gym+running, i got some specialised therapy for particular trauma through a charity, hung out with people in NA, meditation classes, just did basically everything i could think of that would maybe help.
 
Found my Lyrica after I though I had lost them. Thank god. I cant take any today as I've to go out with family (feel like shit but at least I had some zimmovane I could take - had to take 50mgs). Have to visit the graveyard then dinner afterwards. Huge meet up at the end of November with extended family - PAWs should be gone by then. I have four Lyrica x 300mgs, going to take them over four days starting tomorrow when I dont have anything on for the rest of the week as functioning on those is a nightmare unless you're lying down horizontally.

The lack of motivation and depression (and insomnia) is still absolute murder on my soul but if I learned anything from recently its to just wait it out.
 
endlessnameless said:
Found my Lyrica after I though I had lost them. Thank god. I cant take any today as I've to go out with family (feel like shit but at least I had some zimmovane I could take - had to take 50mgs). Have to visit the graveyard then dinner afterwards. Huge meet up at the end of November with extended family - PAWs should be gone by then. I have four Lyrica x 300mgs, going to take them over four days starting tomorrow when I dont have anything on for the rest of the week as functioning on those is a nightmare unless you're lying down horizontally.

The lack of motivation and depression (and insomnia) is still absolute murder on my soul but if I learned anything from recently its to just wait it out.
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Good luck mate, you've got this <3 Let us know how you go.
 
chinup said:
how you getting on @endlessnameless?
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Thanks very much for inquiring. I'm still in a state of acute withdrawal however thats to be expected. Looking forward to this ending as soon as possible. Didnt even do anything Halloween, stayed in like a good boy. I'll post an update as soon as I see some improvements on the acute front. Trying to get some valium tomorrow - wish me luck, my anxiety is unbearable.

EDIT: I've managed to get a months extension added onto the deadline for my exams so that'll keep me busy and at the same time eases some pressure.
 
Managed to get 30 x 10mg Diazepam this evening; took 50mgs tonight to reset myself my nerves as they were bloody frayed to no end. Let's see how I'm feeling in 10 days from now which will get me up to at least 13 days though I know I have a few more days on top of that and I'll give a comprehensive update.

Have two Lyrica there and have the opportunity to get more. He only sells them in trays of 14 at a time though and I don't need anywhere near that many. 7 would do as they're 300mgs each. If he's around tomorrow and can give me a tray until next week I'll probably end up taking them as this was how I managed to get those recent two weeks of sobriety. Only thing about that is, I'll have the wobbles for a few days and some blurred vision which makes studying very difficult but we'll see what happens tomorrow - if they're there for the taking ie buy now pay next week I'd rather have them there than not.
 
The connection was out of Lyrica, but the two I have left are obviously better than nothing. Layered up here in a scarf, jumper and a hooded cotton pullover. Can't get the heat into me but soldier on one will. Glad I didn't buy any brown today though (payday). No point, I'm miserable with and I'm miserable without (or at least until the withdrawals go away). I'll be extra glad next week when I have money in my pocket and the acutes will be nearing their end. Seems like a month away but I know how fast those weeks/months can go by when using - using alone in a room and seeing no one without a penny to my name. Fuck that.

I have my diazepam for the anxiety anyway, which I'll use sparingly.
 
well done for getting back on it and not getting any b.

you're right. its miserable without at first. but it starts being less miserable than using surprisingly quickly. especially if you have study and stuff to give you some drive.
 
Plus the fact that I was sober from September 29th until October 15th/16th should stand to me too I should think. When I fell off the wagon for those two weeks after that it wasnt every day either so it could have been much worse. Its still going to be crappy but I know what to expect and I know this time not to panic if the depression continues after the 14 day mark (which will be around November 14th/15th), nor if the acutes arent fully over by the 11th/12th.

And yes, the study and exams will keep my mind busy so I'm very happy with that, and I'll be afforded a big sense of achievement when I pass my exams at the end of the month which I'm looking forward too. I'm also stripping the wallpaper in the living room tomorrow afternoon after which I'll be painting the ceilings then re-wallpapering ther room for my mother so I've that to keep me extra occupied. I find DIY very theraputic in times like these, especially painting or anything involving repetition. Its a meditation in itself - like drawing mandalas or repeating a mantra. Speaking of mantras, the mantra stays the same as last time - 'The pain is only temporary: Trust the process' with the addition of 'This pain is but weakness leaving the body: This is the last time you ever have to feel this tortue'.

Anyway, appreciate your input @chinup and @n3ophy7e as always. As mentioned before, I'll give a detailed update as soon as the acute withdrawals begin to ease off (otherwise it'll just be me repeating myself about how depressed/sweaty/cold and sleepless I am) - and if that doesn't happen before the 12th I'll update regardless just to see where things stand for the sake of documenting the process.

Thanks again, its wonderful to know that people care/read my posts. I hope all of you are well.
 
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hope the withdrawals aren't kicking your ass too much!!

have you been able to get some sleep, shower, eat etc? really hope you're doing ok and able to get some distraction. have you been doing any online meetings or anything? what help are you getting? how about stuff you enjoy? its super important!!

its great you have some DIY to do, and that its helping your mum at the same time. that should hopefully give you a good sense of accomplishment.
 
endlessnameless said:
The lack of motivation and depression (and insomnia) is still absolute murder on my soul but if I learned anything from recently its to just wait it out.
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I've been pretty lucky to have things on hand for managing the intense acute symptoms. But in some ways it seems like after the softer kick, I would have even less resolve for the emotional part, which is always the killer for me and seems to be dragged out forever, especially if you've done an excessively long taper (as I have a few times) where you've felt mildly bad for 3 months or whatever already. Usually it sends me running back pretty fast, so you accomplished something pretty good, from my perspective at least.

And even worse than "relapsing" back to opiates, IME, is substituting a dangerous hobby; many of us, for instance, rediscover our love of sailing and our urge to chart the shortest course to Port Oblivion across the overproof seas....Wrecking on the shoals of Cape Blackout can have serious consequences, which you avoided, so that's something good too.... I'd be proud of accomplishing what you did, and it bodes well for the next effort.
 
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