This weekend marks my 5th or 6th attempt at trying to get on subs. I've honestly lost count at this point. Each time the induction is hell, but day 1 yesterday actually wasn't too bad. I once again made the mistake of getting some blow to help get through the sub transition, which has just left me with some added depression now that it has inevitably run out in less than a day. I'm dealing though, and etizolam helps. Another substance which has been a god send a times, but still worries me as the last thing we need at this point is a benzo addiciton.
This time has to be different. In about 9 months I've drained my stock account which was over 20k, as well as cut out approximately 15k from savings. My finances have taken a major hit this past year, all for pills. Spending $30 a pill, when it takes at least 3 these days to get a buzz. Dosing 4-5 times per day, and having to feed this habit for 2 people. It added up and got out of control quickly.
Last week I took a positive step as saw a psychiatrist for the first time. I'm not sure yet about him, but he did prescribe me subs, which was my main purpose for seeing him. I know that having subs in my history will make it difficult for me to obtain scripts from my pain management doc, and while that is terrifying, it needed to be done. Month after month we've shown that we can't control my script. It runs out earlier and earlier, to the point that now my script of 20mg Opana ER 2x day, and 10mg Opana IR 3x day, only lasts about 6 days. The strongest prescription opioid out there, and it lasts 6 fucking days. I used to love Opana. The euphoria is still great at times, but it is evil. Now after just a day of snorting it I'm experiencing difficult breathing and the feeling of a barbell sitting on my chest. I don't event want to think about the damage this abuse is causing my body. Panic attacks have started in the last month, the first of which was a terrifying episode which landed me an ambulance ride to the ER. They haven't been so bad the past week, so hopefully they are subsiding.
This has to stop. Spending literally thousands of dollars and meeting with shady guys late on random weeknights while my little girl that I worked so hard to bring into this world is sitting at home. I have to be a better father to her, and I can't do that by living this lifestyle. I love opiates. At this point I really don't think that anything in my life can bring me pleasure besides opiates, but I know that isn't a recipe for a long and happy life. I have too much to lose and getting a buzz can no longer be the most important thing in my life.
I'm optimistic this time, mostly because our bank accounts are so depleted that it's really getting to the point that we can't buy more pills. I don't know whats next, but my goal is to stay off the pills and start the slow process of building up our finances again. Opiates have given me some fun times, but honestly those stopped years ago. Now it's just a chore, that takes away from what should be my priorities - my daughter and my wife. I've been a bad husband, or at least an absent one. I miss being excited to try a new restaurant with my wife, and laughing hystericaly about the most ridiculous things that nobody would get but us. I miss going to see a show together and bonding over music. The problem is, so many of those good memories also involved taking pills together. We both have to learn how to enjoy life without them. I truly believe after everything we've been through that she is my soul mate. She gets me like nobody else ever has, and after all of these years I still love to spend time with her. She's my best friend. A lot of couples say that, but I mean it. I have to be a better man, and can't give in when things get tough as they surely will.
Hoping for the best and that this is the moment my life turns around. It's a critical point and could very well determine which direction the remainder of my life goes.
I went to post this during my nightly smoke while my daughter gets her bath, and my laptop died. Fitting. - http://youtu.be/zwFS69nA-1w
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said "this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"
So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me
This time has to be different. In about 9 months I've drained my stock account which was over 20k, as well as cut out approximately 15k from savings. My finances have taken a major hit this past year, all for pills. Spending $30 a pill, when it takes at least 3 these days to get a buzz. Dosing 4-5 times per day, and having to feed this habit for 2 people. It added up and got out of control quickly.
Last week I took a positive step as saw a psychiatrist for the first time. I'm not sure yet about him, but he did prescribe me subs, which was my main purpose for seeing him. I know that having subs in my history will make it difficult for me to obtain scripts from my pain management doc, and while that is terrifying, it needed to be done. Month after month we've shown that we can't control my script. It runs out earlier and earlier, to the point that now my script of 20mg Opana ER 2x day, and 10mg Opana IR 3x day, only lasts about 6 days. The strongest prescription opioid out there, and it lasts 6 fucking days. I used to love Opana. The euphoria is still great at times, but it is evil. Now after just a day of snorting it I'm experiencing difficult breathing and the feeling of a barbell sitting on my chest. I don't event want to think about the damage this abuse is causing my body. Panic attacks have started in the last month, the first of which was a terrifying episode which landed me an ambulance ride to the ER. They haven't been so bad the past week, so hopefully they are subsiding.
This has to stop. Spending literally thousands of dollars and meeting with shady guys late on random weeknights while my little girl that I worked so hard to bring into this world is sitting at home. I have to be a better father to her, and I can't do that by living this lifestyle. I love opiates. At this point I really don't think that anything in my life can bring me pleasure besides opiates, but I know that isn't a recipe for a long and happy life. I have too much to lose and getting a buzz can no longer be the most important thing in my life.
I'm optimistic this time, mostly because our bank accounts are so depleted that it's really getting to the point that we can't buy more pills. I don't know whats next, but my goal is to stay off the pills and start the slow process of building up our finances again. Opiates have given me some fun times, but honestly those stopped years ago. Now it's just a chore, that takes away from what should be my priorities - my daughter and my wife. I've been a bad husband, or at least an absent one. I miss being excited to try a new restaurant with my wife, and laughing hystericaly about the most ridiculous things that nobody would get but us. I miss going to see a show together and bonding over music. The problem is, so many of those good memories also involved taking pills together. We both have to learn how to enjoy life without them. I truly believe after everything we've been through that she is my soul mate. She gets me like nobody else ever has, and after all of these years I still love to spend time with her. She's my best friend. A lot of couples say that, but I mean it. I have to be a better man, and can't give in when things get tough as they surely will.
Hoping for the best and that this is the moment my life turns around. It's a critical point and could very well determine which direction the remainder of my life goes.
I went to post this during my nightly smoke while my daughter gets her bath, and my laptop died. Fitting. - http://youtu.be/zwFS69nA-1w
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said "this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"
So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me