Help

[monsterman]

Hey everyone,
Really need some helpful advice on where to go from here.

So I'm a 21 year old man who lives with his mum and younger sister. I have been miserable/depressed for pretty much as far back as I can remember with "moments" of light and happiness. My parents separated when I was 1 year old. My mother is a heroin addict (she takes suboxone now and has for the last 1-2 years). My dad is a heroin addict/compulsively uses whatever he comes into contact with. My sisters dad is a heroin addict and has been in and out of jail, he came into my life and lived with us from when i was 5 until last year. During this time I witnessed daily arguments over money and drugs, frequent domestic violence, an overdose, things getting smashed, screaming matches between the two of them, police presence after bad fights......although the worst thing was coming home from school everyday and watching them nod out and neglect their responsibilities. I became aware of their drug use around the age of 8.

My dad lives with my grandpa, is incapable it seems of holding onto a job. Was fairly unreliable in my earlier years and let me down alot. I always felt so incredibly alone and life just became pain. I felt like everyone who was supposed to nurture and look after me would rather be getting high and that they loved drugs more then me. This has seriously fucked me up in that I can't get close to people because I don't know how to do it.

No one else in my family is aware of the extent of their problems and it wasn't until I was 18 that I finally told my best friend and broke down into tears. Since then I have told maybe 4 other people and thats it.

Things are a little better today, my sisters dad no longer lives with us. My mum is a bit more stable. And my dad is alot more supportive then he was.

On top of all this I have bouts of depression/possible bi-polar. Was on zoloft for 6 months before deciding i didn't want to be a zombie. Did talk therapy for 3 months to help with depression and severe anxiety that I used to get which was incredibly helpful.

I started drinking at age 16. By 17 I was drinking most weekends, and by 18 i was going out every friday and saturday night and drinking 15+ drinks a night (this figure has only increased). Since turning 18 I have had maybe 6-7 weekends where I didnt do this.

I started smoking pot everyday when I was about 17. Encountered severe anxiety and panic attacks and didn't smoke for a year. Now I smoke whenever i get the chance and have no issues.

Went through a period of opiate abuse. Using codeine mainly but also occasionally taking harder stuff. Was able to stop before it got too bad. Haven't touched it since.

Done alot of lsd and mdma and have found that i cannot control my usage of mdma and it really is my "problem drug". Feel like I have learnt alot from lsd and mdma and was able to accept alot of who i am with their help.

Recently I have done dmt a few times and have found this has allowed me to see the damage I am doing to myself by living this way. Especially my alcohol abuse and mdma abuse.

I am now thinking that I need to just quit everything and get clean. I'm sick of coming home at 5am all the time. I'm sick of embarrassing myself. I'm sick of being "that fucked up guy". I'm sick of the brutal hangovers and comedowns. I'm am sick of not being able to have fun without drugs or alcohol. I'm sick of being fucked up and alone with little to no love in my life. I'm sick of wanting to blow my fucking brains out constantly.

I have never had a "proper" girlfriend. Although i have had sex with around 10 different people. The only girl I ever really "felt" something for was just as fucked up as me and ended up breaking my heart something fierce. Alot of it was my fault aswell because I wasn't meeting her needs in alot of ways and I have learnt from that experience. I feel like I have so much to give but it is really hard for me to get to a point where I feel comfortable with women in an intimate way. This kills me

In spite of all this I held down a full time job in a hardware store for two years then went straight into a carpentry apprenticeship without a days break between jobs for the last year. So I have been working between 40-60 hours a week for the last 3 years and I only took 2 weeks holidays in that entire time, which i spent at home getting stoned. My last boss was the most despicable human being I have ever met and basically treated me like a slave. I do not regret my experience in the building industry but I have decided that I do not want that life. The only thing that has ever made me happy is my music (Been playing guitar for 8 years and can honestly say I rarely meet anyone who is a better musician then me). I don't know what life is about, im confused about what I am supposed to do with my time here on earth. It's just a huge shitfight. I'm currently unemployed and my plan at this point is to get a job in barwork (maybe not the best idea?) and move out on my own. I am thinking of starting yoga and either getting back into kickboxing or starting weight training to try and keep me occupied.

If you read all that THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

Just knowing that someone else knows about how fucked up my life is makes me feel a little less alone.

Any ideas or help would be very welcome

Thankyou!

 

[Dave]

I can't offer a whole lot of advice, but the big thing that jumps out to me is that you really need to get your own place. You want to get sober, and have had some success in doing so, but in an environment like that it'll be so much harder. How feasible would it be to support yourself at this point?

 

[effie]

I read it all thank you for sharing!

I know how you feel - life is a complicated and messy thing and I think most of us reach a point where we think "what am I doing? What is my purpose in life?" Especially if you are a drug user - partly because drugs can take over your life, partly because we self-medicate with them and partly because as a drug user we don't fit into the mould of what society thinks we should be. It sounds like you have put a lot of time into thinking about this and you have recognised that your drug use is making you unhappy and you want to do something about it - that in itself is a huge step, and often the hardest one to make.

I have many friends who don't have any idea what to do in life - it is a difficult decison to make, and it can be very stressful trying to figure it out. Do you have any vague ideas or none at all? Do you have access to any careers advice? Sometimes it helps to take a lateral view - think about what your skills and qualities are, and what you enjoy/don't enjoy, and match them up to a job rather than trying to think of something which you might find interesting.. I would be wary of bar work if you are trying to give up alcohol, you might find it triggering..

Having interests outside work is very important too, especially if you have decided to stop taking drugs, so I am really happy to hear about your guitar playing and your plans to take up yoga and kickboxing/weight training. Exercise is fantastic for body and mind, and yoga can help bring some clarity and stability to your life as well as making you super-flexible! Have you thought about meditation?

If talking therapy has helped in the past, do you think it could help with your drug use and help you work through your current difficulties? How do you feel about giving up all drugs?

I know it is easy for me to say, but try not to worry about finding a girl - the most important thing is learning to be happy with yourself. The right girl will come along I am sure. The most important thing at the moment is you finding your feet and getting comfortable with who you are.

Some people find reading philosophy or getting into something like Buddhism can help them when they are at the point you are at (I did) where as others find they learn more through experience and doing things (rather than reading about them!) Do you have anyone you can talk to about all this? I think you would be surprised how many other people can relate to how you are feeling..

Moving out on your own is a big step but one which could be very beneficial, especially as some distance from your family might help you with your own drug use. However, I would also think about whether now is the right time - it may well be, or it may be too much trying to do everything at once. I know you feel your life is fucked and you want to fix it, and I am confident that you will be able to work through your current difficulties (you are already half way there I think!) but it can take time.. and a new job, moving out plus stopping drugs might be a bit much all at once. On the other hand, a complete change of lifestyle might be what you need. You know yourself better than we do

Try to be kind to yourself and not think of your life as "fucked up" - who says what normal is anyway? You have had a lot to deal with, and you are dealing with it, and that is something to be very proud of.

Good luck!

(My post is nearly as long as yours :D )

 

[monsterman]

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys it really means alot

I spent a few hours sitting at the beach today doing alot of thinking. I think that moving out would be the best thing for me. I spent a week living up with my uncle recently (who is the most amazing human I have in my life, he lives so far away though ) and just being away from the crazy lifestyle of my parents was amazing. I felt happier then i had in a long time

I have to admit I am a little scared about trying to stop using/drinking. Especially the drinking. Even now just thinking about trying to stop I get this fear in me.......I can physically feel it in my chest. I know i use it as a a crutch in social situations to help me communicate better, and where I live the drinking culture is massive. I don't know one single person my age who doesn't drink. In a way this almost emboldens me and makes me want to be the exception to the rule.

In terms of career I don't really know. I love music and would love to play in a band but its very hard to make a living off of that. I think that down the track once I've dealt with alot of my shit I might like to help people.....maybe do counseling type work I don't know. I think for me I'm better off just taking things slow and trying to stabilise myself a bit.

Exercise is a godsend. I definately have to get off my ass and start training. I am very interested in the meditation/deep breathing side of yoga aswell.

I am confident I can turn my life around but it is going to be very hard to start with I think. All I can do is give it my best I suppose. I have a feeling I might have to stop hanging around certain friends though which sucks but it really is do or die for me at this point so yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do I guess

 

[VanWeyden]

I find it absolutely amazing how you are fighting to get a better life, even more when I read where you come from. And it's absolutely normal to be afraid of quitting drugs, I'm only a few years older and going into detox frightened the hell out of me. The first day I was a nerve wrack until I realized that I could do this, and you can do, too. And believe me, you will become even more sociable after being sober for some time. At first it will feel a bit weird to go out without alc, so is my experience, but within a few weeks it will feel absolutely normal. I myself thought I could never enjoy a party without beer, but now I have to admit that I socialize the same, if not more than before, and I get more out of conversations.

Are there any things that bind you to the area ou are currently living in? If not, you could also consider moving near your uncle. Seems like he helps you a lot, and either way many people find it helpful to change their environment when they get clean. Whatever, you have to decide what's best for you. I additionally endorse what effie said. Getting some sort of professional help would be of great benefit. Maybe their is some kind of addiction counselling in your area, or na/aa?

 

[Beat Narrative]

The fact that at the age of 21 you have the self awareness and intelligence to see the problems in your life is something you should be proud of. Once you gain independence your self esteem and desire to live a healthy life will only increase

Best of all you have a hobby, music, and having something positive to be able to devote energy and time to is invaluable when your trying to break bad habits

I come from a similar background as you although not as prolonged, my mum died at 9 and my dad got his shit together by the the time i was 15, but having such an upbringing can give you a real perspective about the challenges that life presents, you have faced some difficult things and by the sounds of it you have analysed and thought about these things, this can only be positive

When i was 21 drugs was all i cared about, sobreiety was not an option, the fact you have acknowledged these are things you want to change about yourself means that you are now in control about how you live your life

I wish you all the best,

 

[Missykins]

With your family history, I'm surprised you've made it this far. This does mean that they do not love you, it just means that they don't love themselves, and it manifests itself in their addiction.

I commend you for coming to the conclusion that drugs are not for you, not with your family history, and not with your environment.

I also commend you for having the self-knowledge to pursue a life's passion (barwork probably is not a good idea--I concur), and you what to take sometime to figure out that is. What a great idea. You're young, take advantage of the time you have to explore life's opportunities.

I'd say good luck, but I don't think that you'll need it!

 

[n3ophy7e]

monsterman, thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story with us. You sound like an incredibly switched-on guy, and I have to agree with others in that it is so admirable that you want to change, you don't want to follow the same destructive path that your parents have. Good for you man, I sincerely wish you all the very best with that

I really feel for you, reading about how difficult your upbringing was. NO child should be exposed to hard drug use, let alone from such a young age and so frequently. I can only imagine how much your parents' behaviour has hurt you, I'm really sorry that they did all of that man. You mentioned that talk therapy really helped you before, do you have the opportunity to start some therapy sessions again?? Therapy is the kind of thing that you can do again and again, whenever you need to. I believe there is no such thing as too much therapy So if it helped you before, maybe consider seeing your therapist again.

You mentioned living with your uncle recently, which I imagine would've been a really peaceful time for you. Is it an option to go and stay with him again on a more regular basis, just to "get away" and recouperate, so to speak? Where does he live?
Also, I think it would be unwise for you to get a job at a bar. Sure it would be fun and all, (I live in Sydney too and know how huge the nightlife is) but with your family's drug history and your tendancy to binge-drink, I personally think it isn't such a good idea to surround yourself with that environment and that temptation every day.
Lastly, as others have said, I think your prime focus for now should be moving out of your mum's place. It sounds like a really toxic environment, even without your sister's dad there. Do you have a friend you could move in with or something like that? Or perhaps you could search for rooms for rent in your area or something?

Take care mate, and let us know how you're doing

 

[herbavore]

One of the many things that our culture sucks at is somehow convincing young people that they should know what to do with their lives the minute they hit 16, 18 or 21 or any other arbitrary age we assign it. I have a completely different view. I think that it is the job, the work, of every young person to question and explore and question some more. If you can see the questioning and the uncertainty and the mysteriousness of it all as the work you are actually meant to be doing rather than a failure, you can relax. Give that sense of uncertainty the place of honor it deserves. You are young and that means that you have infinite potential. You are so lucky to have music. Music is the universal language that opens doors the world over.

Getting clean and moving out once you get a job sounds like a good plan. Being responsible for yourself, getting used to your own daily rhythms and getting used to yourself outside of your family context is a good thing. I don't think your life sounds fucked up at all. You sound like an amazing survivor, and a strong and introspective person. Don't ever confuse where you are at any given moment for where you are going. They are two totally different things.

 

[Newquiter]

No alcohol is nice.

Please don't be afraid to quit drinking.
I was a life time drinker. When I started drinking at 10 am every Sunday.... I knew it was time to stop.
Its was only difficult because of the social issues. I stayed out of bars and away from parties for a while...
But then I felt much better. No hangovers alone is worth the effort.
Wish I could help more.