Help needed after years of substance abuse

[Hans Moleman]

Over the last few years I've been in a very unhappy marriage and found myself heavily using a number of drugs as a form of escapism. After recently falling from a second story window whilst in the middle of a crack binge, I've decided enough is enough and I'm ready to stop. I was extremely lucky and have only suffered a fracture of my foot but it could have been so much worse.

Here's a list of substances I've been taking on a regular basis:

3-meo-pcp - multiple times daily, achieving manic states for weeks on end. I once believed I was Jesus, the second coming for about 6 hours and proclaimed this to my wife, scaring the shit out of her. I've also held a number of delusions from being in a simulation to believing I had become psychic.
Ketamine - 2g every weekend
Kratom (Green Malay) - 3 x 7g daily
Phenibut 1g -AM, 1g PM daily
Crack - recently up to 3 times per week
Heroin, smoked - Sporadic use on average 0.5g every month
Cannabis - small amount in a pipe smoked every night
Alcohol - approx 1 bottle of wine every night
Cocaine - sporadic use
LSD - sporadic use
Diazepam - 1mg daily (used to sleep)

Other substances used to function normally:
Modafinal - 200mg daily
Piracetam - 2g daily
Choline Bitartrate - 0.25g daily
Sertraline - 150mg daily

I've used many, many more substances but the above are the most recent.

After my inadvertent, crack fulled foray out of the bathroom window, my family have performed somewhat of an intervention and after a weekend of contemplation in the lake district, I feel deeply ashamed of what I've put my poor family through and am using this as fuel to give me the motivation I need to stop. I've also been to the doctors and will be beginning counselling soon.

My problem has always been that a sober life just hasn't been fulfilling due to my unhappy marriage in an extremely toxic relationship - my wife is also an alcoholic in denial. As we are now separated, this should no longer be an issue.

This week, I've given a version of semi sobriety a shot, cutting everything out apart from:

Phenibut
Diazepan
Kratom
Pircetam
Choline bitartrate
Sertrline

I also ashamed to say, I relapsed today and bought some crack which I smoked this afternoon after an especially low point.

The issue I currently have is that, I've been so accustomed to treating low mood with substance abuse, I'm finding it really hard to stop. As such, I'm looking for advice on two key points:

1) How long am will it take before I feel normal again? I've absolutely hammered key neurotransmitters associated with mood - serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, NMDA, Gaba (A and B), sigma (of which little is known but I hypothesise this receptor is responsible for producing manic states). Will these recover in time or have I permanently damaged my receptors?

2) What supplements can I take to expedite my recovery and improve my mood and normal brain function.

I'm a professional person and start a new job on Monday and I'm determined to make it work. My last two jobs have resulted in dismissal due to being intoxicated at work, mainly after overdoing 3-MEO-PCP - you just can't hide this. I'm worried that I'm going to start my new job under a cloud of debilitating depression and a lack of motivation which will impact my performance. As a short term fix, I intend to continue using the following:

Piracetam - cognition and memory
Kratom - mood boost
Phenibut - anxiety / confidence
Modafinal - motivation
Diazepam) - at night to sleep
Sertraline - prescribed for depression

Over time, I plan to taper most of the above as complete and immediate cessation will result in severe withdrawal which would be counter productive in trying to create a good first impression in my new job.

Thanks for reading this far; I've used the forum for many years and I know there's a wealth of experience and wisdom available in the Bluelight community. I'm just hoping someone out there can help me and it's not too late for me.

Please help.

 

[Jabberwocky]

wow, that is quite a list. this will be taking its toll on you both mentally and physically. everything a drug does in the short term, the body takes back soon after.

i have no experience of any version of pcp, but have been severely addicted to crack, heroin, benzos, and alcohol in the past. while you're not in daily crack use, rein it in. stop, seriously soon you won't have a choice and are in a world of pain, so stop now.

are you getting any help from your local drugs services? do you have an option to go to rehab? what support are you getting? have you tried any support groups like NA or SMART?

if you are going to try and quit all that in the community, i would take it slow and do one at a time. don't do too much at once. i'd try cutting out the stimulants first as i think they cause more long term damage.

as for your brain chemistry- it took me a few weeks to be able to laugh when i stopped smoking crack, my brain chemistry was absolutely fucked. it does recover, i still have occasional very mild psychosis, its noticeably better than when i was 3 months clean, and i expect that soon i will notice i've not experienced any for a long time.

when your brain chemistry starts to recover, unfortunately, any underlying mental health problems driving your drug use will resurface. you need professional help for this.

 

[Hans Moleman]

That's exactly the kind of response I was hoping for.

With the crack, I have noticed my usage increasing exponentially and I feel like I'm on the precipice of it becoming a much bigger problem. I'm going to make complete cessation of this an absolute priority.

Also, it' reassuring to know that full recovery is within reach, given time.

Other than crack, my other main concern is 3-meo-pcp as it acts on serotonin, NMDA and sigma receptors and it's had by far the most significant and sustained impact on my psyche. It's actually changed my belief system and made me much more nihilistic.

Does anyone know if there are any private healthcare options in the UK that are equipped with the knowledge and possible treatment options to help in my recovery?

My treatment options offered up to now is counselling via the NHS but maybe NA would be a better option?

I'm fairly sure any underlying mental health issues are related to me being in denial about being in a loveless, toxic marriage with zero fulfilment. I'm hoping that I'm remedy this by finding the right woman.

Can I ask you, do you now live a life of complete sobriety?

 

[Jabberwocky]

really glad to be of help!

yep that's what crack does. once i started daily use it took me 6 months to lose my job and become everything society hates about crackheads. I think knocking that on the head is number one, then as you say, the 3-meo-pcp. i'm sure once you get a period of sobriety you will come back to the 'old you'- a bit, the experience of addiction certainly changes you, but you may be less nihilistic.

you could try contacting an organisation called port of call about treatment options- my parents phoned them when they were looking for help, and they advised me of the rehab i then went to, which was really good if super expensive (2 months of crack use for 2 months care....), though tbh if you're going private i wouldn't go a cheap option. some places don't have any 1-1 counselling, you'll lose the money you 'save' over repeat visits.

counselling is pretty pointless til you're clean i hate to say, they might help you with practical stuff but you're not going to be in a place to work on anything of much importance. that said, I'd get every bit of help you can. if your local drug services are run by cgl i can tell you a bit about what to expect from them (i'm uk too). my key worker was really knowledgeable and they gave me some fantastic group therapy (never thought i'd type those words!!) i'd try NA, i go weekly, but if its not your cup of tea try SMART, i think the social support and structure is most important. Those groups are not professional mental health help so you'd need that alongside.

i wouldn't start looking for a woman til you've got some good clean time behind you- i've known too many people relapse over relationships in early recovery.

i am on sertraline for PTSD but otherwise clean, i discovered a while back that what they say in NA is true for me- as soon as I put a substance in my body i'm a fiend and on it big time, luckily when i tried this (after 6 months clean, mostly an utter hell ride but better than using) i didn't have my wallet so i was borrowing money off someone who cares and knows, otherwise i'd likely be in a crack den in moss side right now.

if what you were doing was easy then there wouldn't be rehabs, drugs services, etc, so remember be easy on yourself if you fuck up. set realistic goals, make a recovery plan and stick to it, do what the people helping you tell you. its going to be painful but so so worth it.

 

[Hans Moleman]

Thanks again mate, sounds like very good advice and reassuring to know that recovery is within reach. I've looked into it and there's a NA meeting locally on Mondays at 18:30 so I'll be attending the next one.

In terms of supplementation, is there anything I can do to help my recovery? I'm eating a healthy, balanced diet and think this is helping.

 

[ValidName]

you have guts. join a cyber narc anon group and just be a fly on the wall. You can make it through this gauntlet!