Relapse Help me please quit cocaine for good!

[Iverson17256]

Hi,

I've been battling my cocaine addiction for the past 8 years and it has come to the point where I will lose everything including my wife and son if I don't stop using. I've been on this site many times in the past and never thought I would be someone who would need help themselves but here I am. I've come to the point and realization that I can't do this by myself and that I need to reach out to someone for help. Ever since my best friend passed away from cancer two years ago I've become very depressed and have literally isolated everyone out of my life.

When I started using cocaine I was strictly using when I was out with my friends at a club, bar or just simply playing poker. Now, I'm using by myself and for all the wrong reasons. I've used so much that it has gotten to the point where there is no more euphoria and it's just more paranoia than anything yet I still continue to use. I love my wife very much and I feel so bad treating her the way I have for the past 5 years because of my drug addiction. I'm pretty sure I've lost all trust with her after all the countless lies of quitting but I refuse to give up on our marriage.

I was looking into joining Narcotics Anonymous but I smoke weed religiously and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't approve even if I did quit the cocaine so I was wondering what other options I had?

Thanks!

 

[SheWasLvL18]

Narcotics Anonymous and other programs work for some people and not so much for others, though it wouldn't hurt to try! I'm sure some other users will have some other options for you, but I would recommend you tell your wife your honest feelings. Addicts do things they wish they hadn't and it's not out of malice or intent to harm, so I would let her know you love her and that you have made mistakes, but you're working on fixing them and they were never her fault. I think a big part of it will be filling your time with activities that you feel either good about/or a responsibility to complete. It's hard to fill the time that used to be for getting high, but it's a crucial step to avoid relapse. Hopefully, your family supports you and once you make those steps towards recovery they will snowball you to freedom! It may not be that easy, in fact it rarely ever is, but we'll support you and wish you luck!

 

[Iverson17256]

I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond tonight. I think my problem was having nobody to talk to about this issue that can truly relate to addiction. I'm very happy that I was able to get my first post in and get some great feedback. Thanks again!

 

[Supermomgettingby8]

I think one of the most frustrating things for addicts is being surrounding by people who love them but still say and think " Why cant he/she just stop?" or " Don't you love your children enough to stop?" There are so many facets and layers to this crippling disease. its LITERALLY baffling, just as they say. Alcohol and Cocaine were my drugs of choice as well, which eventually led to crack and anything else I could shove in my body. And the other hard part? EVERYONE is DIFFERENT. There are lots of people who dont use heroin anymore but can have some drinks. So risky, but i've seen it. I am no poster child for recovery, I have mostly been sober since 22, the past ten years of my life and been able to really make some kind of life and gain some normalcy, however, I don't know how many times you have to relapse to be considered a "chronic relapser" but I have relapsed at years 1, 6 and now almost two. Doc and I thought some ADHD meds would be beneficial and after three months I am abusing.....Ok that probably happened after a month. Somehow, I am jut praying to God I do not go back to Cocaine. I cant imagine wanting to come back again.

I agree with telling you wife your true feelings. Send her to Al-Anon, she will go if she thinks it will help you stop. This is beneficial for EVERYONE INVOLVED.

AA saved my life. This works for so many people and there is really something very magical there. I just lost the magic at some point. There are tons of options.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

 

[Iverson17256]

Thank you Supermomgettingby8!

 

[simco]

Coming to the realization that you can't quit on your own is a huge step, so congratulations on that! Seriously, it's great that you're open to seeking help.

So the question becomes, what does good help mean for you?

Narcotics Anonymous (and other 12-step groups) are complicated in their plusses and minuses. Personally, I found the fellowship of NA (i.e. the social support and genuine love I got from other members) to be hugely helpful, especially during early recovery. Like you, I use cannabis pretty much daily. Honestly, I simply went to NA anyway and never talked about it. I was there to help my recovery from heroin addiction and I simply disagreed with NA dogma when it comes to complete abstinence from all drugs. This wasn't an ideal solution, but it worked for me. Really it just comes down to what you're comfortable with.

In terms of alternatives to 12-step groups, your might look at SMART recovery. Their meetings are fewer and farther between than NA. But it is a more medically/psychologically motivated recovery program and is much less dogmatic than NA.

Another idea (which really helped me) is the option of a more formal/medical treatment program. I did an intensive outpatient program (IOP) through my local hospital. It was 5 weeks long...5 evenings per week, followed by several months of one evening per week of less intensive work. IOP in conjunction with NA made a big difference for me.

Asking your wife to attend Al-Anon is definitely worth considering. But personally, I'd recommend reading up on Al-Anon before pressing the issue. This is just my opinion, but I think Al-Anon often promotes a semi-adversarial relationship between addicted people and their spouses. If you feel like your relationship with your wife is truly implicated in your addiction (for instance if you believe she actively 'enables' your using or similar), Al-Anon might be a good idea. But if you need her to understand the nature of addiction better or similar goals, I'd exercise some caution before suggesting Al-Anon.

 

[jdfisse]

I cannot think of a worse combination than an addict who still wants to use or refuses to engage in a rigorous program of recovery and a spouse who tastes the hope of the shared experience of others who have endured similar pain and decides to work a rigorous program of recovery. My personal experience is that anyone who is willing to stay with someone for years while enduring the havoc of the ravages of addiction is not healthy in some way. Should your spouse seek recovery and truly engage she will inevitably become healthier. Guess what? The loving me always wants the best for my wife...but the self-centered child is gonna be ultra-pissed and resentful when what is best for my wife doesn't include me.

That being said, if you have a wife that is cool with a pothead just as long as he isn't doing speedballs or snowskiing then it would be a good idea to keep her uninformed and not introduce her to the idea that living and enjoying life in total abstinence is possible. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. How free do you want to be?

**edit

For full disclosure the wife and I celebrate 15 years together, 12 years of marriage, and both have 5+ years of complete abstinence so we both know what it is like to be the spouse of an active addict.

****Additional Edit

To summarize: It will save heartache to gauge your own motivation and willingness to pursue recovery before considering recommending a family member seek a recovery path. I am currently not aware of any support groups for family members that exist that promote being "okay" with another person's addiction. The ones I know of certainly promote acceptance but "acceptance" and being "okay" look very different. If your wife doesn't like you smoking pot before going to a support group the odds of her coming out of that with a different mindset are very low.[But even if she does come out being okay with it, the issue may end up coming down to what you believe she thinks about it. From your original post you already are carrying around guilt and perhaps shame attached to your belief that you have been inadequate as a spouse in some measure due to your addiction. That is a far more dangerous mindset for maintaining abstinence than the mindset of pot doesn't really affect me]*** Now simco or another member here who are living lives of moderation may know of support groups that will carry that message.

 

[simco]

jdfisse, I know your heart is in the right place. But I think it?s insensitive to imply that the OP is holding his wife hostage.

And who says the OP isn?t willing to engage in a rigorous program of recovery just because total abstinence is not his goal?

The strident tone of your post strikes me as unhelpful at best.

 

[Iverson17256]

Thanks Simco! I will look into Smart recovery.

 

[jdfisse]

Are you personalizing something in my post? There is nothing personal about it. It is straightforward truth from experience. Would you prefer "uninformed" in place of hostage?

 

[Iverson17256]

I cannot think of a worse combination than an addict who still wants to use or refuses to engage in a rigorous program of recovery and a spouse who tastes the hope of the shared experience of others who have endured similar pain and decides to work a rigorous program of recovery. My personal experience is that anyone who is willing to stay with someone for years while enduring the havoc of the ravages of addiction is not healthy in some way. Should your spouse seek recovery and truly engage she will inevitably become healthier. Guess what? The loving me always wants the best for my wife...but the self-centered child is gonna be ultra-pissed and resentful when what is best for my wife doesn't include me.

That being said, if you have a wife that is cool with a pothead just as long as he isn't doing speedballs or snowskiing then it would be a good idea to keep her hostage and not introduce her to the idea that living and enjoying life in total abstinence is possible. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. How free do you want to be?

**edit

For full disclosure the wife and I celebrate 15 years together, 12 years of marriage, and both have 5+ years of complete abstinence so we both know what it is like to be the spouse of an active addict.

The problem is that I tried to limit the amount of use and keep it a secret but it got to the point where I'm lying to the person I love. The drug has changed me not only physically but mentally as well. When I'm high on cocaine it turns me into somebody I have no control over, the other week I binged and my wife found some cocaine residue on the counter. I lied straight to her face and said it was probably just baby formula, it broke her heart. I then promised to stop using and she gave me another chance but I couldn't remain sober for more than 2.5 weeks. So keeping it a secret is no longer an option for me and my goal is ultimately to quit cocaine for good.

 

[Iverson17256]

I cannot think of a worse combination than an addict who still wants to use or refuses to engage in a rigorous program of recovery and a spouse who tastes the hope of the shared experience of others who have endured similar pain and decides to work a rigorous program of recovery. My personal experience is that anyone who is willing to stay with someone for years while enduring the havoc of the ravages of addiction is not healthy in some way. Should your spouse seek recovery and truly engage she will inevitably become healthier. Guess what? The loving me always wants the best for my wife...but the self-centered child is gonna be ultra-pissed and resentful when what is best for my wife doesn't include me.

That being said, if you have a wife that is cool with a pothead just as long as he isn't doing speedballs or snowskiing then it would be a good idea to keep her uninformed and not introduce her to the idea that living and enjoying life in total abstinence is possible. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. How free do you want to be?

**edit

For full disclosure the wife and I celebrate 15 years together, 12 years of marriage, and both have 5+ years of complete abstinence so we both know what it is like to be the spouse of an active addict.

****Additional Edit

To summarize: It will save heartache to gauge your own motivation and willingness to pursue recovery before considering recommending a family member seek a recovery path. I am currently not aware of any support groups for family members that exist that promote being "okay" with another person's addiction. The ones I know of certainly promote acceptance but "acceptance" and being "okay" look very different. If your wife doesn't like you smoking pot before going to a support group the odds of her coming out of that with a different mindset are very low.[But even if she does come out being okay with it, the issue may end up coming down to what you believe she thinks about it. From your original post you already are carrying around guilt and perhaps shame attached to your belief that you have been inadequate as a spouse in some measure due to your addiction. That is a far more dangerous mindset for maintaining abstinence than the mindset of pot doesn't really affect me]*** Now simco or another member here who are living lives of moderation may know of support groups that will carry that message.

My wife has absolutely no issue with smoking and I'm very fortunate in that sense. I don't abuse it or anything like that but I usually smoke to get my creativity going and helps me concentrate on my business. Cocaine on the other hand she will never accept and I don't blame her because it's a drug that honestly nobody should do.

 

[jdfisse]

Good stuff. Yeah cocaine is a hell of a drug. Let us know what you think of SMART recovery.

 

[Iverson17256]

Good stuff. Yeah cocaine is a hell of a drug. Let us know what you think of SMART recovery.

Will do. I plan on being very active on here and although I'm only days into recovery I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to just reach back out to me. I needed that bad. Thanks again!