THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
Since october i'm on methadone and slowly reducing my dose, i'm at 51mg now, I used to be at 60, I take very careful 2-3mg drops every month. At first they tried to taper me off my Valium prescription, but way too fast, the usual bullshit that methadone and benzos are extremely dangerous together, never taking into account that some patients (like me) have been on benzos legally from their psychiatrist since years (april 2007 in my case). I only take 20mg of valium a day and I get 15 .5mg xanax for when I have panic attacks (the valium is for generalized anxiety disorder because of it's long length of action and half life), so I get 60 10mg doses a month.
The methadone doctors told me that if my psychiatrist decided to put me back on my original benzo regimen, they had no problems with it. So I had my pharmacy fax him a renewal demand and he complied no problem (being aware of everything) back in november. But I didn't have xanax then, I was only scripted xanax on may 22nd, not even a month ago, because I explained to him I would often have to tough out 6-7 days without any valium because I would take an extra 10mg whenever I felt a panic attack come and that I was sick of the cycle of having to get in benzo withdrawal and all I wanted was to be feeling great mentally (the benzos) and physically (the methadone), I was now able to go back to college and finish my degree (after a 7 years of having to live with the insanity a bad DOB trip brought on to me in 2003, I was first scripted clonazepam in 2007 and that did help but when i tapered that from 3mg clonaz to 20mg valium a day I felt much better, I don't like the zombie feeling I get from clonazepam. Now I'm not sure I can go back to college and would have to cancel all of the process I've made to start my semester on august 28th, not if I have to taper 2 things at once, fuck no. That's something he will hear from me when I meet him.
So anyways here's the main reason of my post, enough background. Since he scripted me the 15 .5 xanax only on the 22nd and I still had 5 that I kept solely for panic attacks, I was still going to be lacking valiums by the beginning of the next month (I renew the valiums on every 6th of the month normally). I was going pretty mad yesterday after 6 days of no valium and I wasn't able to endure it anymore so I called my pdoc's office to ask for a 3 day emergency valium script, which I never did before, I always endured them so I wouldn't look like I was starting to act fiendishly.
I get to the pharmacy when he told me it was alright, I see he's having a conversation with the one hardass piece of shit pharmacist that I hate, who's all very aware of me using methadone because that's how it works in canada (pharmacist witnessed doses when taking it there when it's not a takehome day (I got 3 of those, 4 soon now). I hear him finish his convo but it didn't seem like anything wrong was going on.
He comes to the counter and calls my name. I get up and he says : Your doctor is renewing your whole script early but he cancelled all remaining 9 renewals because he wants to see you. Didn't cancel the xanax script though.
That pissed me off so badly, taking only 20mg of valium when I got home wasn't enough I was about to go insane from frustration, what did that piece of shit hardass pharmacist tell my Pdoc ? I know my pdoc tends to forget about things very easily (I often have to remind him of what meds I use that he scripted etc.) and it could be because he asked the pharmacist if it happened often that I renewed early..(normally you can always renew 2-3 days early but it is very rare that the government insurance system will let someone do that in a row often, even with very low priority controlled meds like benzos) and he told him yes. I'm also wondering if he suddenly changed his mind about the methadone and benzos suddenly, ie I have no fucking idea what the pharmacist told him. I asked "Why is he doing that?!" and he said with his shit stained smile "I don't know, maybe he wants to reduce your dose..." WHAT, he once tried to drop me to 15mg a day and that didnt cut it, I need to do a 1mg taper a month if I do it (thanks to the 2mg valiums).
I was so fucking mad I needed 10mg of valium and tagamet to potentiate it to get over it. He usually listens to me carefully and he knows I do not respond well to antidepressants (anyway most do not go with methadone for even more dangerous reasons) and I already have 25 to 50mg of seroquel to take when I suffer from insomnia (rare these days, but I tell him I take them, pdocs will let you take benzos normally if you act like you're giving their other bullshit a chance). But I really wonder what tickled him to that point where he needed to cancel all my renewals for diazepam and havethe pharmacist tell me he wanted to see me asap. Well maybe not so asap because the fucker today was gone after noon and he didn't call back, I left 3 messages to the voicemail of their office so I could explain things and ask what the hell was going on and have them call me back...but nada, the secretary tells me he's gone to a fucking congress and will only be back monday.
Why does everyone decides to take a shit on my head when I JUSSSST get to feel fine with myself and have everything in control. I felt suicidal yesterday but it passed...I'm just so fucking sick of dealing with doctors, asshole pharmacists (why did he have to be the one to work that particular day, any other pharmacist wouldnt have got me in trouble at that pharmacy) FUCK FUCK FUCK!
So if anyone has an idea of what the hell is going on please tell me, even if it's just perspectives I didn't think of, all I know is that the pdoc was fine with me having benzos with methadone (which I am still decreasing the dose fro 51 to 48 on the 12th). If thats what it takes i'll break down in his office when I meet him and tell him the truth (I have 3/4 of a BA in chemistry and I know how to extract cyanide from applecores...) or that i'll take my .22 eventually and shoot myself because benzo withdrawal is worse than anything in this world, opiate withdrawal ceases rather rapidly at least.( I am not suicidal but this is all things I could do and if that's what he wants to hear...)
I'm at the end of the candle called life, I shouldn't have started to burn it at both sides I agree, not my fault life has thrown sarcoidosis, recurring bronchitis, asthma, general anxiety disorder with panic attacks, agoraphobia, trigeminal neuralgia and ankylosing spondylitis at me.
The methadone doctors told me that if my psychiatrist decided to put me back on my original benzo regimen, they had no problems with it. So I had my pharmacy fax him a renewal demand and he complied no problem (being aware of everything) back in november. But I didn't have xanax then, I was only scripted xanax on may 22nd, not even a month ago, because I explained to him I would often have to tough out 6-7 days without any valium because I would take an extra 10mg whenever I felt a panic attack come and that I was sick of the cycle of having to get in benzo withdrawal and all I wanted was to be feeling great mentally (the benzos) and physically (the methadone), I was now able to go back to college and finish my degree (after a 7 years of having to live with the insanity a bad DOB trip brought on to me in 2003, I was first scripted clonazepam in 2007 and that did help but when i tapered that from 3mg clonaz to 20mg valium a day I felt much better, I don't like the zombie feeling I get from clonazepam. Now I'm not sure I can go back to college and would have to cancel all of the process I've made to start my semester on august 28th, not if I have to taper 2 things at once, fuck no. That's something he will hear from me when I meet him.
So anyways here's the main reason of my post, enough background. Since he scripted me the 15 .5 xanax only on the 22nd and I still had 5 that I kept solely for panic attacks, I was still going to be lacking valiums by the beginning of the next month (I renew the valiums on every 6th of the month normally). I was going pretty mad yesterday after 6 days of no valium and I wasn't able to endure it anymore so I called my pdoc's office to ask for a 3 day emergency valium script, which I never did before, I always endured them so I wouldn't look like I was starting to act fiendishly.
I get to the pharmacy when he told me it was alright, I see he's having a conversation with the one hardass piece of shit pharmacist that I hate, who's all very aware of me using methadone because that's how it works in canada (pharmacist witnessed doses when taking it there when it's not a takehome day (I got 3 of those, 4 soon now). I hear him finish his convo but it didn't seem like anything wrong was going on.
He comes to the counter and calls my name. I get up and he says : Your doctor is renewing your whole script early but he cancelled all remaining 9 renewals because he wants to see you. Didn't cancel the xanax script though.
That pissed me off so badly, taking only 20mg of valium when I got home wasn't enough I was about to go insane from frustration, what did that piece of shit hardass pharmacist tell my Pdoc ? I know my pdoc tends to forget about things very easily (I often have to remind him of what meds I use that he scripted etc.) and it could be because he asked the pharmacist if it happened often that I renewed early..(normally you can always renew 2-3 days early but it is very rare that the government insurance system will let someone do that in a row often, even with very low priority controlled meds like benzos) and he told him yes. I'm also wondering if he suddenly changed his mind about the methadone and benzos suddenly, ie I have no fucking idea what the pharmacist told him. I asked "Why is he doing that?!" and he said with his shit stained smile "I don't know, maybe he wants to reduce your dose..." WHAT, he once tried to drop me to 15mg a day and that didnt cut it, I need to do a 1mg taper a month if I do it (thanks to the 2mg valiums).
I was so fucking mad I needed 10mg of valium and tagamet to potentiate it to get over it. He usually listens to me carefully and he knows I do not respond well to antidepressants (anyway most do not go with methadone for even more dangerous reasons) and I already have 25 to 50mg of seroquel to take when I suffer from insomnia (rare these days, but I tell him I take them, pdocs will let you take benzos normally if you act like you're giving their other bullshit a chance). But I really wonder what tickled him to that point where he needed to cancel all my renewals for diazepam and havethe pharmacist tell me he wanted to see me asap. Well maybe not so asap because the fucker today was gone after noon and he didn't call back, I left 3 messages to the voicemail of their office so I could explain things and ask what the hell was going on and have them call me back...but nada, the secretary tells me he's gone to a fucking congress and will only be back monday.
Why does everyone decides to take a shit on my head when I JUSSSST get to feel fine with myself and have everything in control. I felt suicidal yesterday but it passed...I'm just so fucking sick of dealing with doctors, asshole pharmacists (why did he have to be the one to work that particular day, any other pharmacist wouldnt have got me in trouble at that pharmacy) FUCK FUCK FUCK!
So if anyone has an idea of what the hell is going on please tell me, even if it's just perspectives I didn't think of, all I know is that the pdoc was fine with me having benzos with methadone (which I am still decreasing the dose fro 51 to 48 on the 12th). If thats what it takes i'll break down in his office when I meet him and tell him the truth (I have 3/4 of a BA in chemistry and I know how to extract cyanide from applecores...) or that i'll take my .22 eventually and shoot myself because benzo withdrawal is worse than anything in this world, opiate withdrawal ceases rather rapidly at least.( I am not suicidal but this is all things I could do and if that's what he wants to hear...)
I'm at the end of the candle called life, I shouldn't have started to burn it at both sides I agree, not my fault life has thrown sarcoidosis, recurring bronchitis, asthma, general anxiety disorder with panic attacks, agoraphobia, trigeminal neuralgia and ankylosing spondylitis at me.
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