Help me before I ruin my relationship

[a_n]

Hi All

Long time reader but first time poster and I am in a little bit of a mess - nothing to serious as of yet but I would like some advice and thoughts about how to change some of my behaviour....

So, I have been married for a few years to the girl of my dreams (in a relationship for 10+ years). We have a great relationship, active sex life, lots to talk about but not without its up and downs (like any healthy relationship). To this day I have been completely faithful in the literal sense and I despise the behaviour of some of my (married) work colleagues, who every time we travel for work, try to "pull" as many women they can and act all conquest-y about it...

Anyway - I am a naturally flirty person and get along with all of my (and my wife's) female friends very well. Recently though, and often (not always) when high I have found myself pushing the boundaries when it comes to good natured flirting and whatever the next step is......things like having conversations with female friends about "what could of been..." (ie if both of us weren't with respective partners), or playing some version of "footsies" when all sat together on the couch - basically flirting up to a point whereby you kind of know the other person is feeling the same - kinda hard to describe.

As mentioned - this mainly happens when partying etc but I have even noticed myself acting a similar way sober - for example - random smiles with strangers, happily accepting phone numbers from other travelling workers etc etc..... Nothing leechy or pervy or anything (well yet, I am only mid 30s)

Some of the females are partners of friends of mine and whilst nothing has happened I feel like an absolute dick afterwards. And as for my wife....god - I love her so much and just feel like such an ass for acting this way and feel so horrible because I know how lucky I am in my relationship, there are times where I want to just explain all of this to her so she can just leave and find someone who won't act this way... I am aware that I am on a slippery path to fucking it all up with both my wife and friends.

We both smoke weed and even without that I am prone to over-thinking things a bit, so I appreciate that some of this has probably been blown out of proportion in my mind, BUT i know what I am doing is wrong yet I can't seem to control my behaviour...... Without any experience or without talking to anyone about this (this post is literally the most I have ever said to anyone) I am proposing two (or perhaps many) reasons for why I am doing this:

1. I genuinely like the attention and feel the need have said attention to feel good about myself,
and/or
2. In some round-a-bout way I "like" to beat myself up about it after the event....so almost doing it so that I can berate myself afterwards..
and/or
3. The thrill of doing something wrong...the thrill of the chase type thing (when I was younger I had a proper issue with this - I would pick-up all the time but could never actually be happy in a relationship so would forever move on - FYI this was NOT done in some shit way that hurt people's feelings)

Not sure if either of the above are that accurate - hence why I am posting here

Has/does anyone do anything similar?? How did you manage to control your behaviour?? Should I speak to a therapist of some sort?? How can I build up my discipline and remind myself at the time that I am being a dick and that I am lucky enough to be in such a good relationship..

Sorry for the essay - as you can probably tell my head is in a bit of a mess at the moment... Thanks for reading and I genuinely appreciate anyones thoughts, guidance and experiences...

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Welcome!

First off, you said "high" but didn't mention on what. You mentioned you both smoke weed, but I have to ask if by "high" you mean something else. This will give a clearer picture as to the context. If you're getting stoned on weed and suddenly flirting, then the issue is probably in your heart and you might not love your wife as much as you think you do because weed doesn't typically cause people to do things they wouldn't normally do sober. However, if you're getting into the MDMA scene and maybe just making some poor choices with a powerful love-and-connectedness inducing drug, then that's probably just behavioral but still indicates a marital issue.

My lady and I have been together for 8 years and we just got engaged. The understanding we have for each other is astounding. She says I can have a "flirty approach" when I talk with girls like the cashier at the store, especially when they flirt back. I honestly don't purposely flirt, I'm just very friendly and bubbly and I feel like I'm the same with all people, but she definitely senses a slightly-higher enthusiasm in my words when they flirt back, which I could see. She takes zero offense though because she knows and trusts me through and through, I'm clearly doing it right in front of her and am not trying to hide anything, and she knows it's not on purpose. I've never even been in a situation where she felt the need to question it even when I have long, weird, drunk nights out with my guy friends, going to shows and stuff, I also play in a touring hard rock band and she knows how that all goes, but has never, ever so much as hinted at distrust. I feel the exact same about her, she even works at a men's salon and gets asked for her number by nearly every single client that walks through the door, including celebrities!! We just give each other no reason to think otherwise, we're obsessed with each other in the best way possible.

Having said that, I am a male, I have instincts and she's talked about that as well. Of course I check out a nice ass as it bounces by (as does she, she's made comments and has a bi-curious past), I'm a sucker for cute chicks and of course I'd choose to bang other chicks occasionally if it didn't hurt her or our relationship, it's in my nature and she knows that but obviously would never do. She even has hinted at how the thought of a natural approach sounds interesting and curious, like some of those polygamist families where there is one MAN in charge of providing for and protecting all these women, which technically is the more natural way. The fact is that she makes it so worth it for me to only be with her that I'm perfectly content with letting go of any hope of ever touching another woman's body ever again, and that is key.

If you're filling some hole by playing footsie with a random, then something is wrong even though on the surface things seem pretty good between you and your wife. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with YOU or HER individually, but something wrong with the relationship. It could very well just be something extremely simple, it usually is! It sounds like you and your lady have a similarly understanding relationship, so I'm sure she'd be willing to talk to you. If you feel this strongly to fill up a page of text, I guarantee you she has 10x to say. She's a woman.

 

[a_n]

Hey S_S
Thanks a bunch for your reply

Firstly - yep - by high I mean MDMA and/or coked up.... But as mentioned this isn't exclusively when it happens....

A couple more things....I travel a lot for my work and I certainly don't have any trust concerns and I believe the feeling to be mutual from what my wife has said to me and our friends.... I have been propositioned several times on said work trips but I have always declined..... It's weird - the actual thought of sleeping with someone else in real life makes me so upset (unless my wife was involved!!) because it would hurt her so bad and that is the last thing I want!!

It is as though I have some strange version of a 7 year itch. A strange thing to bring up with your SO despite how well we talk with each other...

Your post has made a great deal of sense, so thank you very much ;-)

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Glad to help! Let us know how this all pans out.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Firstly - yep - by high I mean MDMA and/or coked up.... But as mentioned this isn't exclusively when it happens....

Probably not helping things tho... Ecstasy is well known for giving people a false sense of connection.

 

[llama112]

Do you just like the attention? I mean, that seems kinda logical.
If it doesn't go too far then just keep it like that.

 

[a_n]

Do you just like the attention? I mean, that seems kinda logical.
If it doesn't go too far then just keep it like that.

I do think this plays a big part.... I think there may be some sort egotistical thing going on...
I feel so guilty afterwards even though effectively nothing has happened - like really disappointed in myself for even remotely contemplating doing anything, then immediately followed by a gut wrenching feeling of knowing how much I would stand to loose and how upset my wife would be etc.

I really just need more self control and to not get so caught up in the moment.

This thread has been a great help in that it is something I can't really talk about to many people - it feels good just to actually write what I am thinking down....so thanks all for hearing me out

 

[pofacedhoe]

stims make people horny, if you cannot do them without wanting to cheat then maybe dont do them?

kind of simple.

and yeah you are probably a bit of an "attention whore" lol. some people are always needing adoration to feel good about themselves from multiple sources. everyone needs some but if you constantly have to risk upsetting your wife then i think its a bit out of hand and if an ego boosting arrogant drug like coke is triggering it then cut out the coke.

my ex always wanted to talk to his ex on phone in esperanto (which i dont speak) and also he had a friend who was in love with him who he took on holiday and then was all like "my family thought he was my boyfriend- isn't that funny". attention from multiple sources