Help - Girlfriend too insecure or I just too stupid?

[Zoruga]

I'll try to keep this concise.

Firstly I'd like to point out that I'm not someone who fully understands my own emotions, never really had a great experience growing up. It was easier to throw or not bother to remember bad things and just get on with my life. It's only later that I realised that I can't actually understand myself especially when it comes to having feelings for other people - surprisingly I think I can emphasise quite well with problems other people have. I tend to lock myself away and prefer too deal with my own problems on my own. But damn this girl really changed with just her. She made me open up to her a lot and share things with her.

So me and my girlfriend having been going out for about 18 months now, and yeah we had some arguments and downsides, but we never hated or disliked each other. Things have been fantastic and I would like to believe that no matter what problems we have we could get over them. I really do love this girl.

But there is one point that comes up from time to time and it's what we just argued about, and it always feels like crap. She hates that I didn't have feelings for her when she had them for me and believes that I thought she wasn't/not good enough ( don't know what tense to put here since she says it in present tense). Before we got together we were just friends, we got along really well. She had a boyfriend at the time, and I somehow trusted telling her that I had feelings for someone else, named B, and eventually after I trusted her more I told her about the problems I have and grew up with. However she really quickly developed feelings for me, she says it was love, I say it was infatuation. Not love at the time as she was still with her ex and I never had strong feelings for her back then (I think.... I can't really tell, I kept talking to her and calling her over or going to hers. Surely that means I did actually like her). Then me and her hooked up, she broke up with her ex afterwards, I kept my distance for a few weeks as I didn't want to put myself on a rebound since I believe feelings don't change so easily and now we're together.

So there's the context, so we have this argument about me not liking her at the same time and there's these two or three lines I said at the time and that she holds on to and keep throwing at me - even 18 months later. Once when she was with me (she's still with her ex, we were not dating or anything) she asked "Who do I get excited by" , I didn't really know what that question meant, she explained, then I said that I get excited by the other girl I use to like , I asked in turn. And she responds that she's excited when she sees me. Now she becomes pissed by this and hates that I never said I was excited to see and this contributes to her thinking she's not and was never good enough for me.

Another time - I can't remember if this came before or after the previous - I can't remember what we were doing (I'm positive we weren't kissing or anything like that because she was still with her ex. I think we were dancing (like classical dances or something at her place) she said something along the lines of "We didn't even have sex and this was my best time ever and the most fun I've had, how about you?". And I answered, stupidly truthfully, because I thought she was genuinely asking when was the most fun I had. Thus I spoke about this other girl (different girl from B) spoke about it in some detail. I didn't realise she was hurt by this. This also contributes to her feeling like she's not good enough.

Third time where I knew she had feelings for me, and in truth I believe I had feelings for her but after speaking to a friend I decided the best course of action was to push her away ( she was still with someone of 3-4 years, I can't just barge in). So she said something that I can't remember and I told her "I'm sorry but I like "B" and she makes my heart skip, I don't like you". And now 18 months later this contributes to her feeling that she was never good enough. Except that while I didn't have feelings for her at the same time, I did eventually have really strong feelings for her ( especially when I was trying to keep my distance) hence why we're going out together.

Yet even when I tell her that I did afterwards and that I was trying to push her away because she was with someone. She refuses to believe me as she counter points that, she was with someone else and she still "loved" me and that the only reason she said ever considered staying with her ex was because she didn't know how I felt and she says that I keep bringing up the point that because she was still with someone that doesn't mean I couldn't have feelings for her. And yeah I bring up all the time that because she was still with someone, I denied my self from wanting to like her back. I don't think it's right, so I stopped it and I told her that out of respect for myself and for her I would never tell her that I liked her while she was still with her ex. And I know when I said the line in quotes on the previous paragraph, that I didn't have feelings for "B", in fact it just sexual attraction. My girlfriend refuses to believe me, saying that I don't understand and the only reason she can see why I didn't think she was good enough was because she believes I thought she didn't look good and is not worth it. She says that because of what I've said before we were together she can't help but feel like this, angry, upset , doubt etc...

I keep saying to her that "yes I didn't have feelings for you before, but I did afterwards and I have such strong feelings for you now. Does the past year and half mean nothing? ", she goes it's not about that, that I don't understand what she's feeling. I tell her that I can emphasise and I understand that what I said was wrong. But I'll always come back to saying to her that we're together now and I've done nothing that would hurt our relationship since we were committed . She still says it's not about that, and that I'm twisting it. And at some point I say to her that she makes it seem, as if I've cheated on her. And she gets more angry and upset saying that I always make it so that it makes her feel like the bad guy. That I always make it seem like she only feels hurt to make me feel guilty. So I'm confused as all hell on this?

I've already given her the question of what she wants to do with this relationship, I've told her " If you can't forgive what I've said, if this causes you so much pain and suffering. And if you'll still feel like this in the future, then what's the point in being with me? Because I can't stand to be the cause of your suffering. What do you want to do with us because I can't do anything to change the past? " Thus the argument ended and now I'm in this limbo. She's still upset and will be in the future. I have no clue what to do, since she says I don't understand and that's all she wants. I'm just so f***ing confused. I need someone to talk to... Is something that I haven't acknowledged as my fault???

I'd like to add on that I'm good friends with B and my girlfriend hates it, she says during this argument that "just say in the future B likes me, why wouldn't I abandon her for B and as B is better than me". She also believes that I "settled for her" instead of B as B didn't reciprocate my feelings.

TL DR - Girlfriend is upset that I don't understand her and is still hurt by things I've said before we were together. I don't know what to do...

 

[queenbee1127]

How old are you?

I didn't read the whole thing but consistently dredging up things from the past is a glaring sign of massive insecurity. She sounds insecure.

 

[Zoruga]

I'm 22 and she's 20

I don't know if it's wrong of me to think of this whole thing as stupid.

Even, like right now, she's asking me "why I basically said she's not good enough and why I compared her to other girls "and it's just pissing me off. I don't like being angry or upset and it's ruined my day now.

 

[queenbee1127]

It's because she thinks she's not good enough and is fishing for confirmation from you that she is.

If I was in your shoes, I would also be annoyed. I would explain to her that you're tired of going around in circles about the same issues and offer to have an honest conversation about them with her with the understanding that you're burying the hatchet so to speak and she's going to let those issues go. If she flips out at that suggestion, leave her. She sounds like a headache.

 

[rm-rf]

its because no one human is "good enough" for one other human and only one other human, and all humans naturally compare others to others and themselves to others. its part of the experience of life. its mostly biology, really.

our society keeps us segregated and obedient by entrenching this belief that two persons are capable of "completing each other". clinging to monogacentric norms will always be as uncomfortable as defying any pattern nature has already set forth. in the same way, you can wilfully choose to drink soda instead of water every day of your life, but there will likely be a degree of discomfort from moving away from what your body, mind, and soul really need.

that doesnt mean its wrong to be insecure. many thousands of years ago, sexual segregation might have meant being in a very dangerous position socially speaking, for some humans. it makes sense that its many people's biggest and most primitive fear (next to death itself, i suppose). monogamy and other forms of sexual oppression are damaging practices, and it makes sense that many people in the modern world have very sex negative perspectives. the important thing is to explore our insecurities and introspect, find out what needs of ours arent being met, and how we can ask for our needs to be met better. commanding someone to behave in a particular way so that one doesnt have to confront one's insecurities is unhelpful. having no patience for someone's insecurities is also unhelpful. give her time to explore her feelings and uncover the root of her insecurities, and decide if the two of you think its worth the time to be so exclusive with each other.

just dont be "annoyed," youre both kids, still trying to find yourselves, and for fucks sake no woman on this earth owes you a thing. you owe her space to decide what her needs are, and if theyre in alignment with yours. your day is only ruined if you choose not to see this as an opportunity to understand sex, women, and the whole world a lot better. choosing the right action, the path that leads to sustained growth for you two as individuals, will make you a much better lover for your future partners. choosing to follow your immediate emotional need will turn you into a "bro" and eventually no woman will fuck you.

you guys are 22 and 20, its pretty normal to be encountering these kinds of feelings all the time at those ages. it is wrong of you to think of her emotions as stupid. its not wrong for you to think that all the manipulations, power trips, irrational insecurities, and all around sex negative culture that we live in is stupid. but like anything else in life, its all about just being as honest with yourself as you can, and as honest with those whom are important to you as you can (actually its best to just be as honest as you can all the time). sometimes what you want isnt what someone else wants, or the other way around, and thats just a fact of life that everyone has to learn to navigate. be honest, overcommunicate, and make personal growth the central point of your relationships, and its likely everything will turn out for the best in the end.

communicate, communicate, communicate. have patience. respect yourself.

 

[pofacedhoe]

shes insecure and you have a very Thinking type on myers brigg i'm guessing

you sound logical and therefore reign in your feelings easily and keep them obscured naturally

as a result she thinks you dont care that much cos your not gushing drivell all the time but thats just you and you shouldn't feel bad

 

[Clitnhawk]

I'm in agreement of the responses, Zoruga.

I was going to post "how old are you two" - not surprised... And Pofacedhow is %100 correct on your Myers Brigg type - its incomplete until you take the entire test, of course. But you are about logic, which doesn't devoid you of feelings - but allows you to keep them in check.

BTW, how you handled love/infatuation is something I understand. Me and my wife used the "infatuation" word, then when to "love" with the understanding that we're infatuated. She noticed me first at the club - while I was checking out all the girls.

It is childish for one person to expect the other to have the same exact feeling at the same time and the same amount. A guy can be more in love with the girl, than she is with him. She could be in love with him weeks or months months for he is, etc, etc.

If you can, look up and then explain to her the Myers brigg tests (lots to read) and show her the links/articles for her to read on her own. You answers don't seem to change, she needs to work on her insecurities - if you can, try couples counseling - as a 3rd party talking to the both of you - can do wonders. ie: her friends maybe bias, your friends maybe bias, etc. A therapist doesn't give a shit.

BTW: Women tend to hold on to arguments or situations far longer than men. Some more than others. Call her a C-word one time, and she'll remember it 5 years later.

It takes time to work on our insecurities. And they come and go as well. Took me years to work on myself, by myself. I helped my wife with hers, I did a lot in a few weeks and years later she still has a bit concerning her body image (A-cup breasts).

 

[cengsuz]

I don't think you are stupid in this case. I think she is insecure.

She isn't mad about you neglecting her or cheating on her. She is mad that you didn't fall in love with her at the same time as she did with you.

Think about it, that's impossible or rare.

Her insecurity is not something that stems from what you haven't done that you should. It comes from a deeper place from her previous experiences. You can try to be there for her but ultimately it has to be up to her to take care of this because it's her responsibility. It's not you who has to try to fix this for her or to fill the gap.