pinkclover
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2013
- Messages
- 6
ok... This is my second attempt to write this. The first try became wayyyy too long and got into so many different issues I could not finnish.
Long story short. I have a girlfriend and we have been on and off for the past 7 years. I am madly in love with this woman. We have been through hell and back and all the drama has in a way made us even closer. She is an addict and has many seperate issues stemming from childhood to all kinds of things.
She self medicates herself with drugs and got very addicted to pain pills. Broken hearts, fights, lies, cheating, you name it and we have been through it. This woman is the strongest person i know in many ways. Most woman that have been through what she has would not have lived to tell about it. She is a surviver. Granted a lot of her problems have been brought down on herself but i believe she has seperate issues and problems that have led her to be an addict and despite everything thats happened i know she loves me.
Despite all the crushes she has delivered on me i have seen the person she can be and she has the best heart in the world. I really do love her. I am a good looking guy and have a good job. I could find someone else and have tried but always back out. Sure it would be easier but i do not want anyone but her. I have looked like a fool and i am a fool for some of the things that have happened but i still want to be with her.
She has put herself in positions for dudes to take advantage of her because they know all they have to do is provide her with drugs and she will do anything. They are like a bunch of wolves preying on her is how i have felt. Dont get me wrong, i like to party. I am not a saint. I can be an asshole. I dont think think i am holier than thou or any of that. Me and her both have our problems like everyone else. I like to have a good time but you have to be able to check things and keep them under control. She hasnt been able to do that.
Ok....so the good news is she is trying to help herself and is doing really well. I am always worried because we have been down this road before and as good as she can be doing, everything can explode and fall to shit in an instant.
Back to the preying wolves, there has always been a dude lurking around and poisoning our relationship. When shit is bad he is always there tempting her. If we are haveing problems and she is super upset guess who comes around. I dont know what her real feelings are towards him. I used to think i did but maybe things have changed. Im sure there are times when she has seeked him out. She has always said she cant stand him she knows his intentions but always ends up over there. She always says that she has no attraction whats so ever towards him its just a place she can go, do what she wants, get high. I do know this, she has always wanted to be with me. During times when we are seperated and she is over there, if i were to call her she would leave him in an instant and she has. He on the other hand of course wants to be with her. he wont admit it to me but she says he does. she also says he cant stand the fact that she loves me. we hate each other.
Now here is what is bothering me to death. I have always thought we have had great sex. I believe she agrees. I mean she turns me on like no other woman can. She is pure sexy to me. I like it dirty or we can make love. (i hate the phrase making love but i dont know how else to say it) She really likes the emotional connection we have during sex, says it hasnt been something she has been able to experience before. She also credits this reason for saying that im the best lover and she enjoys sex best with me. yeah, yeah, yeah thats all fine and dandy but what about the physical side? I know i turn her on. I know we have a great physical attraction. She is very sexual but she does not view sex the same as me. She blames a lot of her problems in her life on men and sex. She cant get off. So i thought.
so enter me discovering about sex on meth. big mistake for me to read about this shit. BIG MISTAKE! Notice i said read. I have not experienced it. it has really screwed my head up. I mean its bad enough to think about some guy railing your woman. But thinking about a dude banging your woman for three days straight (not shitting) is hard to deal with. especially knowing she is high and knowing about all the shit i read. Even if she has no feelings for this guy, in that situation at that time she is experiencing the most insane sexual pleasure, the kinkyest, dirtiest, perverted, most awesome sex she has ever had. even if she does hate this guy and is not there for sex(at least not at first) but to escape and get high, doesnt that form some kind of bond with that person? he knows he can fuck her if he gets her over there and puts it in her face. she probably know what will happen if she ends up over there. is she there to get high. has it more than likely turned into her wanting to go get fucked while high?
We have talked about it some. its very hard for her to talk to me about it. she gets mad. she gets upset. she cries and says she hates him and that he is the devil and that drug is evil. but all i can think of is why is it evil? is it because it makes you lust so hard? to me thats ok. i dont feel bad about lusting. is it because it made you so crazy horny and wanting to be fucked that it just must be evil? she says she doesnt want him but when meth is in her face she cant say no and then she is just so horny and he starts playing with her and she feels obligated and horseshit. she says its like if you are super hungry you want to eat, or if you have very bad poison ivey you dont care about hurting your body or spreading it around you just want to scractch. she says its her using him. she hates him . she admits to him getting her off. that hurts. i want to get her off. im not a slouch in the sack but i cant compete with that. i am having a hard time with this. she says its just empty sex. you are there for nothing more than yourself.
i dont know man, i get a million questions running in my head about all this shit. how does she think back on the sex with him? she admits that its the most lustful evil sex and felt great but not what she wants. (hard for her to admit to me, why do i need to hear that?) why am i still thinking about this. didnt i just answer my own question? i feel like i keep asking her the same questions because i feel like she is not telling me the truth to protect my feelings. i am driving her and me crazy with this stupid shit. she says that all that is not important to her and she just wants me. she wants love and a family and she says it had nothing to do with him as a person just the way the drug effects you. she says i cant understand unless i do it. she also doesnt want me to see that side of her. my god, i lust after her more than any woman on earth and get more honrny with her than anyone on earth, i think we can have all he dirty shit and its ok because we care about each other. i want her to experience all those feeling with me not him. i wonder how she views sex with me now. i dont even know what i am trying to say now. forgot what i wanted to have answered.or what the purpose of writing this is.
Long story short. I have a girlfriend and we have been on and off for the past 7 years. I am madly in love with this woman. We have been through hell and back and all the drama has in a way made us even closer. She is an addict and has many seperate issues stemming from childhood to all kinds of things.
She self medicates herself with drugs and got very addicted to pain pills. Broken hearts, fights, lies, cheating, you name it and we have been through it. This woman is the strongest person i know in many ways. Most woman that have been through what she has would not have lived to tell about it. She is a surviver. Granted a lot of her problems have been brought down on herself but i believe she has seperate issues and problems that have led her to be an addict and despite everything thats happened i know she loves me.
Despite all the crushes she has delivered on me i have seen the person she can be and she has the best heart in the world. I really do love her. I am a good looking guy and have a good job. I could find someone else and have tried but always back out. Sure it would be easier but i do not want anyone but her. I have looked like a fool and i am a fool for some of the things that have happened but i still want to be with her.
She has put herself in positions for dudes to take advantage of her because they know all they have to do is provide her with drugs and she will do anything. They are like a bunch of wolves preying on her is how i have felt. Dont get me wrong, i like to party. I am not a saint. I can be an asshole. I dont think think i am holier than thou or any of that. Me and her both have our problems like everyone else. I like to have a good time but you have to be able to check things and keep them under control. She hasnt been able to do that.
Ok....so the good news is she is trying to help herself and is doing really well. I am always worried because we have been down this road before and as good as she can be doing, everything can explode and fall to shit in an instant.
Back to the preying wolves, there has always been a dude lurking around and poisoning our relationship. When shit is bad he is always there tempting her. If we are haveing problems and she is super upset guess who comes around. I dont know what her real feelings are towards him. I used to think i did but maybe things have changed. Im sure there are times when she has seeked him out. She has always said she cant stand him she knows his intentions but always ends up over there. She always says that she has no attraction whats so ever towards him its just a place she can go, do what she wants, get high. I do know this, she has always wanted to be with me. During times when we are seperated and she is over there, if i were to call her she would leave him in an instant and she has. He on the other hand of course wants to be with her. he wont admit it to me but she says he does. she also says he cant stand the fact that she loves me. we hate each other.
Now here is what is bothering me to death. I have always thought we have had great sex. I believe she agrees. I mean she turns me on like no other woman can. She is pure sexy to me. I like it dirty or we can make love. (i hate the phrase making love but i dont know how else to say it) She really likes the emotional connection we have during sex, says it hasnt been something she has been able to experience before. She also credits this reason for saying that im the best lover and she enjoys sex best with me. yeah, yeah, yeah thats all fine and dandy but what about the physical side? I know i turn her on. I know we have a great physical attraction. She is very sexual but she does not view sex the same as me. She blames a lot of her problems in her life on men and sex. She cant get off. So i thought.
so enter me discovering about sex on meth. big mistake for me to read about this shit. BIG MISTAKE! Notice i said read. I have not experienced it. it has really screwed my head up. I mean its bad enough to think about some guy railing your woman. But thinking about a dude banging your woman for three days straight (not shitting) is hard to deal with. especially knowing she is high and knowing about all the shit i read. Even if she has no feelings for this guy, in that situation at that time she is experiencing the most insane sexual pleasure, the kinkyest, dirtiest, perverted, most awesome sex she has ever had. even if she does hate this guy and is not there for sex(at least not at first) but to escape and get high, doesnt that form some kind of bond with that person? he knows he can fuck her if he gets her over there and puts it in her face. she probably know what will happen if she ends up over there. is she there to get high. has it more than likely turned into her wanting to go get fucked while high?
We have talked about it some. its very hard for her to talk to me about it. she gets mad. she gets upset. she cries and says she hates him and that he is the devil and that drug is evil. but all i can think of is why is it evil? is it because it makes you lust so hard? to me thats ok. i dont feel bad about lusting. is it because it made you so crazy horny and wanting to be fucked that it just must be evil? she says she doesnt want him but when meth is in her face she cant say no and then she is just so horny and he starts playing with her and she feels obligated and horseshit. she says its like if you are super hungry you want to eat, or if you have very bad poison ivey you dont care about hurting your body or spreading it around you just want to scractch. she says its her using him. she hates him . she admits to him getting her off. that hurts. i want to get her off. im not a slouch in the sack but i cant compete with that. i am having a hard time with this. she says its just empty sex. you are there for nothing more than yourself.
i dont know man, i get a million questions running in my head about all this shit. how does she think back on the sex with him? she admits that its the most lustful evil sex and felt great but not what she wants. (hard for her to admit to me, why do i need to hear that?) why am i still thinking about this. didnt i just answer my own question? i feel like i keep asking her the same questions because i feel like she is not telling me the truth to protect my feelings. i am driving her and me crazy with this stupid shit. she says that all that is not important to her and she just wants me. she wants love and a family and she says it had nothing to do with him as a person just the way the drug effects you. she says i cant understand unless i do it. she also doesnt want me to see that side of her. my god, i lust after her more than any woman on earth and get more honrny with her than anyone on earth, i think we can have all he dirty shit and its ok because we care about each other. i want her to experience all those feeling with me not him. i wonder how she views sex with me now. i dont even know what i am trying to say now. forgot what i wanted to have answered.or what the purpose of writing this is.
