Help, Boyfriend Forced Into Rehab

[Number48]

TL;DR: My bf has been forced into inpatient rehab by his parents, but he doesn't need to be there. He does do some drugs, yes, but just weed and xanax every now and then. His parents told the doctors at the rehab center that he does heroin and spice/JWH and that he is addicted to xanax and is an alcoholic. He's jumping through all the hoops that they want him to, but it doesn't seem to be helping - they want him to stay for a month long program. I'm asking you guys for help because I don't know what to do or how to help him get out of there. He can't check himself out because if he does he will have to pay the full cost of the rehab, which he can't afford. They have him by the balls essentially. Do you guys know of anything he could do or say to get the doctors to let him go?

Long version: His parents have been the biggest source of stress in his life ever since I've known him. They are manipulative and controlling and have destroyed his life and his two brother's lives (they also made his brother to go to the same rehab center for smoking weed). They are Muslim so they have a 0 tolerance to any sort of substance use. He's 28 and recently was forced to move back in with them for financial reasons, and they've been trying to nanny and nag him ever since. He's not exactly the most successful person in life, he's had legal issues before (caught with weed) and his legal issues have made it difficult for him to get a job. Recently he has been working and going to school and doing pretty well, however his parents still aren't satisfied and still seem to think he is worthless and needs "help". Any sign of "laziness" from him (like taking a nap or sleeping in on weekends or on days he has class, or spending time online) is met with extreme displeasure.

He suffers from migraines and gets neck/shoulder pains when he's stressed. His migraines are usually so bad he spends the day going between bed and the toilet, and some days the pain is so bad he doesn't want to move or do much of anything. He also suffers from acid reflux and some days has no appetite because of his stomach issues. He's been to all kinds of doctors before and none of them can figure out what's wrong, he's just been put on all sorts of medications (kpin, ambien, lyrica, doxepin, PPIs, tramadol, etc).

This past Weds he got a bad migraine and didn't go to work, after he had already had one the week before. This was the last straw to his parents, who gave him the choice of going to the ER or going to rehab. They won't tell him what drug they think he is addicted to, just that "there is something wrong". He went to the ER and when the doctors couldn't find anything wrong, they gave him the choice of being dropped off at a homeless shelter or being taken to rehab the next day. They wouldn't give him any of his things or his car, so he basically had no choice but to go to rehab in the hopes that he will at least get his car and laptop when he gets out. Kinda hard to have a job or do well in school without either of those things...

They broke into his safe somehow and found weed, hash (which they told the doctors was heroin), tramadol and kpin (which he is prescribed. he stashed his extra because he doesn't take them every day. that tram's been there for 8 months) and 250 xanax bars. They also searched his car and found half a bottle of scotch (which I bought for him for xmas.. cost $120) and half a jar of Ole Smokey Apple Pie Moonshine (that I also gave to him.. ), so they told the doctors he's an alcoholic too.

The doctors won't believe him when he tells them he's not an addict. They want him to stay for a month long program, and there's no telling if they won't keep him even longer. Does anyone have any advice that could help him get out of there ASAP so he can move on with his life? He has to get out with the doctors' approval. When he gets out he and I are going to get a place together and never speak to his parents again. They lost themselves another son.

 

[kace]

Could he not request a drug test to prove heroin/ spice isn't in his system? A blood test or piss test would surely prove he is not on them.

 

[Number48]

Perhaps you should give his parents a bit of a break.....? It sounds like they're worried sick for him and whilst he's living under their roof and - as you admitted - using quite a few drugs then I reckon that them sending him to rehab is an act of profound caring and kindness on their part and regardless of whether or not your bf thinks he's an addict I'm sure that he could probably gain a lot from a month in rehab.

It's not a prison or a psychiatric hospital so they can't force him to stay against his will at the end of the day (unless he's under 18 and then different rules/ considerations come into play... how old is he?) but considering this is the 21st Century and Drug rehabilition practice has come a long way the chances are your boyfriend could very well benefit from his time receiving counselling, medical care, psychiatric help, group sessions, rest-time in a rehab centre for a month.

I so wish that I could afford a month in rehab or that my parents "forced" me into rehab for a month. Seriously, research some rehab places online and specifically the place where your boyfriend's going to... I think you'll find they're a lot different from what you're imagining and please give his parents a break: reading between the lines of this situation (and thinking of my painful years of drug use and the pain my parents have felt - and continue to feel - at being powerless to help me) it really does look like his parents are just trying to do the best they can for your boyfriend and regardless of whether they're muslim or not, I don't think there are many loving parents around who will not try to do all they can to help their kids stay away from drugs or come off drugs if they discover they're using........ and I think you'll find most parents in this world would freak out if they found weed, hash, tramadol, 250 xanax bars and clonazepam in their kid's safe. Whether he was prescribed the kpins or not, the whole lot found together really does shout "drug stash" to anyone really and irrespective of whether you and your boyfriend don't classify him as an addict, any parent or doctor hearing of those quantities and range of drugs would reasonably conclude that the owner of those drugs has a pretty hefty habit.

Seriously, is it really a deal-breaker either way whether he's being accused of using heroin and spice when he's so innocent? Try to see the situation from his parents' and doctors' points of view and then see that they're all just trying to help him.

You sound very distressed and upset by what's happened to your boyfriend and he's very fortunate to have someone who cares for him as much as you obviously do but remember that his parents in all likelihood care for him just as much as you do even if they show it different ways.

I think it's a slight exaggeration to say they've destroyed his brother's life by sending him to rehab and are vindictively wanting to destroy your boyfriend's life by doing the same to him. If they really wanted to destroy his life would they not have just thrown him out? Or called the police about all the drugs they found in his safe? And paying huge sums of money to check him into rehab is also a pretty expensive and crap way of destroying their children's lives...

I've struggled with various addictions for years and I know for a fact that my parents would have LOVED to send me to rehab on numerous occasions if they could have afforded it.

Try not to worry and instead help your boyfriend make the best of his time in rehab. Feel free to ask anything else. There's a wealth of knowledge and experience here in The Dark Side about addiction, rehab and associated issue.

Peace and love, DhcDavid.

He doesn't use lots of drugs. Did you read my post at all? Half the shit they found he was PRESCRIBED and didn't even take every day. The only illegal things that he was doing are weed and xanax, and even those rarely.

I also said he was 28 and that he can't check himself out because he can't afford to pay the bill. He has to pay the bill in full out of pocket if he checks himself out. Don't fucking tell me that he can benefit from spending months in a prison with no books, phone, TV, computer, being kept away from his job and classes! He worked his ASS off to be able to afford to pay for those classes and now he will fail them if he doesn't get out!

 

[herbavore]

If his parents are controlling and manipulative it seems crazy that he would turn to them for financial support at 28, thereby putting himself back in their clutches so to speak. I had a boyfriend from a similar family situation that got horrible migraines and they decreased significantly when he moved away from home. I don't see how his parents can keep his laptop and car legally and he is an adult so he should be able to leave the rehab any time he wants to. As far as the bill goes, his parents will pay if he gets doctor approval to leave early? It seems impossible that there is no way a person that only smokes weed and takes xanax cannot prove he is not on heroin!

Will he be able to return to his job or did the disruption cause him to lose it?

I would really suggest that he distance himself from his parents without cutting them out completely. They are obviously not going to change their views so if he wants to live differently than they want him to, he needs to get out of the parent/child paradigm and become completely responsible for himself. It is very sad when parents, in the name of wanting to help, drive their adult offspring further and further away.

 

[Number48]

If his parents are controlling and manipulative it seems crazy that he would turn to them for financial support at 28, thereby putting himself back in their clutches so to speak. I had a boyfriend from a similar family situation that got horrible migraines and they decreased significantly when he moved away from home. I don't see how his parents can keep his laptop and car legally and he is an adult so he should be able to leave the rehab any time he wants to. Will he be able to return to his job or did the disruption cause him to lose it?

I would really suggest that he distance himself from his parents without cutting them out completely. They are obviously not going to change their views so if he wants to live differently than they want him to, he needs to get out of the parent/child paradigm and become completely responsible for himself. It is very sad when parents, in the name of wanting to help, drive their adult offspring further and further away.

Thank you. I just want to be able to help him get out of there ASAP so we can move on with our lives. He can't take the car because it's in his parents' name, the will report it stolen. He has enough money to buy his friend's motorcycle at least, so transportation won't be an issue if he doesn't get the car. They live in a gated community so it's a bit difficult to get in to get his things without being let in by them... It was a mistake to go in the first place because now he's trapped, but when he does get out we are going to get an apartment. He moved back in because he couldn't get a job for the longest time while he was on probation for weed and I wasn't making enough money at the time either.

Yes, they will pay for the rehab if the doctors say he's all better and can leave.

 

[Number48]

I'm sorry for trying to help: your boyfriend is clearly an innocent angel and his parents are obviously controlling and unpleasant people.

Go to the police with your concerns. I'm sure they'll be able to help you.

Sorry for getting upset, I'm just sick of being judged and told that he's a bad person and being given unhelpful advice. What will the police do? You REALLY suggest going to the police? That makes 0 sense.

All I am asking for is advice to help him show the doctors that he's not an addict and doesn't need to be there. Thank you for the people who gave suggestions like getting him tested, they've already taken samples but he's having a hard time getting them to test them. You have to realize that these people are used to hearing "But I don't have a problem!" from patients so anything he says will just make them more adamant that he stay.

I want to cry. I want to die. I don't have anyone to ask for help or comfort or support to give me strength to carry on. He is my world and now he's gone. Everything was going so well before all this happened, I got hired full time and we were saving up to move in together in a few months, he was getting As in his classes and was going to take over a business from a family friend... now I don't know if any of that will be there when he gets out.

 

[herbavore]

^ Listen, you have to keep this in perspective. Even in the worst case scenario (he stays for a month), a month is not a long time. It is roughly four weeks. Take it a week at a time and instead of thinking about what led up to it, concentrate on how to make the best decisions for both of you when he gets out. Spend your time looking for places to live, exploring neighborhoods, etc. Don't let yourself get too stressed out as that is not going to help either of you. Do things for yourself like spending time with friends, pursuing your hobbies and interests, etc. All of these things that you do for yourself now will be good to keep up with when you live together anyway. It is important to have your own internal center. Work on your own strength and it will ultimately really help your boyfriend as well.

 

[RobotRipping]

a month in rehab may be very helpful anyway. I'm sure your boyfriend has some psychological issues to work through about his parents. When he gets out i'd suggest that he play nice with his parents, get everything he can (maybe get vehicle switched into his name) and get out of there and never look back. After a while if he cares for his parents he can rebuild a relationship and in the future make sure they do not find out he is using medications or drugs.

i'm sure when he gets out he'll be better off than when he went in and can rebuild everything. It is only a month, not long at all. I agree with herbavore, this is a great time to work on yourself individually. So my advice is to not fight it, go along with his parent's request, make them happy and avoid this situation in the future.

Your boyfriend just needs to set some serious boundaries with his parents. They cannot manipulate him if his life is separate from theirs, they will have no power over him and in the end if they are that bad he can just refuse to ever see them again. That gives him the power.

 

[stardust.hero]

Number48, this was the situation I was in 3 years ago when I was sent to rehab by my parents. I went to get my car back and my belongings. I moved out of their house about 2 months after returning home from my 30 day program. Albeit I see now that I could have listened and learned something in my 30 days there, I refused to at the time and wasted 30 days and tortured myself more than I should have in the process.

I understand the ADO (against doctors order) discharge and the fact that his insurance company will not not pay for his stay at the rehab if he decides to go against ADO and leave early. No the rehab will not discharge him by no means. Rehab although extremely helpful and beneficial to suffering addicts, is also a business. Once you are in you are in. He will be there the full 30 days or pay the ADO fee in full.

If I were you I would urge him to listen and learn since that is all he can do to keep from going crazy.

 

[Number48]

Thanks for the replies guys. startust.hero that's what I was afraid of, I went to visit him on Saturday and we talked a bit about that.. it's $3800 per week for the program they want to put him into. That's serious money, no wonder they want him to stay for it. I can't bring him books to read to stop him from going nuts, but maybe I can get a book of crosswords or something in. I'm also going to write him letters and send him proper shoes and a belt (his parents said they would bring him some, then they just left) and visit him every chance I get. He's been in jail before so this isn't the worst he's been through... I just hope everything can get back to normal once he's free.

 

[Missykins]

He doesn't use lots of drugs. Did you read my post at all? Half the shit they found he was PRESCRIBED and didn't even take every day. The only illegal things that he was doing are weed and xanax, and even those rarely.

I also said he was 28 and that he can't check himself out because he can't afford to pay the bill. He has to pay the bill in full out of pocket if he checks himself out. Don't fucking tell me that he can benefit from spending months in a prison with no books, phone, TV, computer, being kept away from his job and classes! He worked his ASS off to be able to afford to pay for those classes and now he will fail them if he doesn't get out!

With all due respect, someone with that amount of Xanax locked in a safe is either a serious use or a serious dealer. You may not know everything about his life--wouldn't be the first time for it to happen.

Anyways, I am part of the pro-rehab camp. He's an adult so he cannot be forced to attend, unless it would be part of drug court, so something is up. A drug screen would have been performed upon admission.

What was his prior for, if I may ask?

 

[stardust.hero]

Those are really great ideas to keep him sane. Write him letters daily if you can. When I was in rehab we were given a 5 minute phone call every night but could receive unlimited letters. Those letters were the most important things. When I would receive one from my boyfriend I would read it over and over and over that night and every day after until I received a new one. Then I would read the old letter and the new one *repeat* lol. If I were you I would send him cool little care packages like pictures and drawings, little notes.

Also I was really into drawings at the time and sharpies were not allowed but I originally brought 3 sharpies and drew with those until they died and my councilor deemed it therapeutic to me so I was the only one allowed to have them. I would say bring him a cool notebook and some sharpies (they're most fun) if they won't allow him those then bring him brightly colored gel pens. Anything with vibrant colors I feel brings a little happiness to the situation. I got lost in drawing in rehab even though I was never much a drawer before or after. I also thought it was cool that another person I was in there with kept a pretty elaborate journal. So like I drew all day he wrote. Maybe give him a separate notebook as a journal.

A lot of his time will be taken up by meetings and groups. I would encourage him to listen and try to identify with it. He is after all a drug user and could at one point benefit from the knowledge they are teaching in there. For $3800/wk you do get a pretty decent amount of knowledge. Urge him to open up and make friends in there. I fought rehab until the very end. Even by day 20 when everyone else was sane and accepting of the program I was still fighting nightly to get out screaming and having freak outs. All the monitors always had me on their watch. By that stage in the program seniors were given new admitees to watch over and befriend to help them out. I never got to have a new admitee because they were afraid I was going to freak out and both me and the new one would be walking down the mountain (the rehab was on top of a mountain in PA) together.

Sometimes in my darkest moments I fantasize about going back for 30 more days. When you look back on it, the whole thing is 30 days of freedom. Freedom of worry or sadness. Your life is in someone else's hands for once. You can cry and scream and people will come to your aide and hold you and comfort you. You can act irrationally and it's okay because you are sick. I miss that part of it. There is no need to act strong or sane. You can be anything in there because you are safe. Tell him to milk it for all it's worth.

So yeah from one resistant rehab alumni to a newb I would say to tell him to accept that he will be there for 30 days, listen and try to accept the program (he can make his mind up about it when he gets out anyways. All he needs to do is accept it while he's in there.), make friends and he'll make it out alive .

 

[Number48]

I know why the 250 bars were there and I know how he got them. I don't really feel safe explaining much more, but he wasn't using them and wasn't selling them. He's a big believer in buying in bulk and stocking up, as you can probably tell by everything else he had squirreled away.

I don't think he's resisting the program too much. He's not one for groups, but I know he is making friends and not kicking and screaming and he's going through the steps like they want him to.

I'm having a hard time dealing with him being gone, I hope it gets easier. I've been tempted to use opiates to keep the loneliness and depression away (I haven't had a serious problem with them but know that they're dangerous for me. When he's around and I can talk to him I don't think about them). I think writing letters and trying to focus on work and hobbies will help. I think I'll send him pictures of my garden.

Thank you so much for the support guys

 

[Missykins]

I'm having a hard time dealing with him being gone, I hope it gets easier. I've been tempted to use opiates to keep the loneliness and depression away (I haven't had a serious problem with them but know that they're dangerous for me. When he's around and I can talk to him I don't think about them). I think writing letters and trying to focus on work and hobbies will help. I think I'll send him pictures of my garden.

Thank you so much for the support guys

Very nice. I went to rehab for ninety days and it's typical to show a great deal of resistance in the beginning and then you end up coming home committed to staying sober, which mean for your relationship to work, you'll likely stay clean, too. It sounds like you're trying to do that which is good for both of you.