Hello

[The cancer girl]

Well, it will be obvious I'm sure............I have no clue what I'm doing. I do however have a story and I'm in search of some knowledge from others like myself. I stumbled onto Bluelight and have found a lot of comfort here. So here it goes.......
In June 2006 I got really sick....ended up in the hospital for 2 or 3 weeks. With "treatment" came pain, with pain I ended up on Norco. Which worked. I just never got "better". Docs kept telling me to give it time, I kept telling them something was wrong, and more and more Norco was being taken. By December of 2007 I was thinking I had simply lost my mind. Then the big shocker.........there was something wrong, very wrong. I had a brain tumor. Norco was said to be dangerous by my Oncologist so Oxycontin was the new routine, with a little xanax thrown in for the anxiety caused by an impending brain surgery. February 2008 I had a total resection of the tumor. In March 2008, a second brain surgery to fix my bone flap. 6 weeks to "heal", and then I began a year of aggressive chemotherapy- 7 days on and 7 days off for one year. So- fast forward. October 2009. I'm taking 320mg of Morphine a day, liquid inbetween for break-through and some Dilaudid here and there. A fucking train wreck. Decided I was sick of being a slave and I would just quit taking it........how bad could it be, right? OH GOD! 72 hours into hard DT's and scared to death, into the ER I went. Checked myself into a "medically supported" detox. (Meaning they won't let you die, but no Methadone and no Suboxone.) I so wished I would die! NEVER been so sick in my life! Not even on chemo! So, here I sit. Over 60 days clean, and still feel like hell, and depression that is so dark, it really scares me. I am 2 years cancer free in February 2010. I should be thrilled but, I feel like total crap! From what I'm reading in some of the forums this could be PAWS? Also from what I've read, I have a fairly nasty Opiate addiction. So now what? What the hell do I do now?
Thank you ahead of time for any advice or input.
The cancer girl

 

[largeamount]

start working out it will give you a natural high
theres lots of ways to get high when your sober just try new things... go skydiving, rob a bank

 

[The cancer girl]

A bit "disabled" from treatment.....walking without falling over is a chore, and painful. I do try to go for walks....with supervision. If i go down, someone has to be there to help me up. A bit scary, but I'm getting better at it I suppose. Thanks.

 

[largeamount]

thats pretty messed up i hope you get better

 

[The cancer girl]

I am better...."clean" scans.........no brain tumor active right now. I've only been off chemo since May, so it's gonna be a long road. I just didn't think I would feel bad off the pain meds........I was wrong. Still think it was the right decision....just wondering if Suboxone would have been a better choice.

 

[Rogue Robot]

Homeless -> TDS

TDS mods, feel free to shift back or elsewhere if not appropriate for TDS.

 

[blahman8000]

I'm deeply sorry for all that you've been through. On the bright side, you must be a pretty tough girl to get through all that and wind up clean in the end. That's a good sign, because it sounds like you're still recovering from it all, and you'll need to hang in there.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I'm not a big fan of 'em personally (maybe I wound up with the wrong one this past year), but it sounds like you need a second opinion other than your own, and maybe some help to get you back on your feet. If it is PAWS, then there are ways that you can be helped. There's no good reason to go through this in pain. You don't need to choose to suffer when you don't have to, and when there's more life to live. Maybe there are problems buried deep in your mind that you just haven't addressed because you haven't been sober for very long? I mean, maybe these problems existed independently from the opiate addiction, and now that you don't have that sedation, you don't know how to deal.

I truly wish you the best.

 

[thelung]

PAWS is a bitch eh? at least you are healthy, physically, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Get away from bluelight if you wish to stay sober for a while too, that is good advice....the person sitting next to me at the public library computers really stinks....my god..

 

[The cancer girl]

Well thanks....."Trigeminal".....I think? It takes all kinds. Really doesn't bother me if other people aren't "clean". I've found a lot of stuff useful, and most people to be pretty nice. I consider myself no different than any other addict, I just made a choice, and I'm doing my best to stick with it!

 

[The cancer girl]

I'm deeply sorry for all that you've been through. On the bright side, you must be a pretty tough girl to get through all that and wind up clean in the end. That's a good sign, because it sounds like you're still recovering from it all, and you'll need to hang in there.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I'm not a big fan of 'em personally (maybe I wound up with the wrong one this past year), but it sounds like you need a second opinion other than your own, and maybe some help to get you back on your feet. If it is PAWS, then there are ways that you can be helped. There's no good reason to go through this in pain. You don't need to choose to suffer when you don't have to, and when there's more life to live. Maybe there are problems buried deep in your mind that you just haven't addressed because you haven't been sober for very long? I mean, maybe these problems existed independently from the opiate addiction, and now that you don't have that sedation, you don't know how to deal.

I truly wish you the best.

Thanks! I get a little stronger every day. And yes I'm seeking a Psych Dr. Just doing research before I jump in on that one....like you said, a bad one does you no good at all!

 

[RedLeader]

Hi cancer girl,

It well could be PAWS that you are experiencing. Have you ever felt depression and general emptiness like this before going into the whole cancer battle? Do you think that you might be still a bit shocked/in denial about having gotten cancer that it could be a bit of a "why me?" type of pity feeling, manifesting into general apathy and discouragement? Or maybe your physical limitations are making your mind feel limited as well? I know I'd hate it if I had to go from healthy to physically weak like that. This is not at all to say that the opiates didn't play a strong role in what you are experiencing now, though.

I don't think you mentioned, but have you considered any medication for your depression? Or going to regular therapy? I know people have mixed opinions about therapy, but really there are a wide variety of options. Much more than sitting down next to some little old lady and telling her how you feel

In any case, I hope you feel better soon. Keep talking in here as much as you'd like!

Edit: Just saw the above, so that kind of answers my second part. But not about medication, or any other options you've tried. So feel free to share more.

 

[The cancer girl]

PAWS is a bitch eh? at least you are healthy, physically, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Get away from bluelight if you wish to stay sober for a while too, that is good advice....the person sitting next to me at the public library computers really stinks....my god..

Yep PAWS is a "bitch" I'm finding. But I'm also finding that I'm not alone in that respect, and just knowing that makes me feel a little better.

 

[The cancer girl]

Yep "RedLeader", I think you're right......a combination of things for me. Hearing you have Brain Cancer at 39 is a bit depressing....not to mention scary as hell! And that continues far beyond that last week of chemo. Lots of MRI's, tests, Dr appnts........blah, blah. And the PAWS thing is very frustrating, but thats why I'm searching out a good psych Dr., so we can "chat" about all this, and start to sort through it. Depression, anxiety, some withdrawl stuff....it's a lot some days. I am on Cymbalta, but thats it. I would really like better pain control, but without the morphine and dilaudid. I may just be asking to much, but we'll see!

 

[RedLeader]

I can only imagine how scary that would be You're strong/brave just for getting through. To not get depressed or discouraged from such a journey, at least at some points, would mean that you weren't human! I'm not a doctor, so I cannot really suggest anything for you properly. Regarding Cymbalta/duloxetine, often it takes trying several different anti-depressants before you find one that connects with you. Some people get lucky and are saved by their first one, but I know plenty of BLers who will attest to being ready to give up, and then the 5th or 6th one being the one that did the job. So don't give up hope on that front! As for pain, again it's difficult when you take opiates out of the picture. Again, I'm not a doctor and cannot tell you what you should or should not be taking, but I will say that Lyrica/pregabalin and Neurontin/gabapentin have been praised by several BLers for doing pretty well and not being too addiction (or with too severe side-effects). These are relatively new medicines to help with neuopathic pain (which I am guessing you have, based on going through chemo), so it might benefit you from asking your doctor about them.

I hope you can find the professional help you need

 

[Draigan]

Try reading a book.

[BL is not a dating service. -RL]

And my #1 tip: Get off this website if you're trying to stay sober. Not a good place to be. If I was still sober, I would be far far away from sites like this

yah lol this i sfor up druggies who want to complain and justicifize!! jk

 

[blessedamines]

hey cancer girl how are you doing?