• NMI Moderators: Coffeeshroom

Hello from Another Noob

itsjustme2

Greenlighter
Joined
May 10, 2010
Messages
27
Hiya folks! What an awesome forum! I've spent quite few hours here lurking around - having no thoughts what-so-ever of joining but finally decided to - even after joining it still took me a few hours to post.

Why did I come to Bluelight in the first place?

Once I really thought about it I realized my problem stems way back to high school. (Yes it's been a little while but not really THAT long haha!)

In high school I love pills - nothing really in specific - it just had to be some sort of 'upper' - nothing down for me. (Which now seems quite ironic ...) I'm lucky I could trust all my friends back then because I never knew what I was taking.

I'd walk down the hall notice someone coming the other way w/ something for me. Quick trade as we passed and off the water fountain I went. Never even looking at it half the time.

That was just a stage I went through for a while but could be considered as quite the pill popper. Afer that I pretty much gave up the pills except for the occassional trip to the doctors for legitimate reasons and I was lucky to get a nice script. I'd be really happy for a few weeks and then it was done ... all is well. (Although in the meantime I did figure out what I was missing all those years taking the 'uppers' instead of the so-called 'downers'.)

Fast forward a few years - grow up, get married have kids ...

Life is good. Very occasional drinker and occasional pot smoker. Extremely occasional coke. I liked that way too much ... I knew enough to keep it down to the bare minimum and an extra special treat maybe once a year, lol!

One New Years Eve day 3 years ago I woke up in some pain in my lower back ... tried to ignore it till New Year's Eve night so I tried to drink away the pain to no avail. New Years Day I wake up in extreme pain and decide to head to the ER.

By where the pain was I was completely convinced it was a kidney infection. Docs run tests and come back w/ no kidney infection. Not sure what's going on ... send me home w/ a script for vicodin and a follow-up w/ my family doc.

About four months later the pain has move the whole way up my back to my side and left side of my back right under my shoulder. We're talking extreme constant pain along side some occasional shooting ungodly sharp pains.

Throughout the four months I had seen many docs and specialists. Was being treated for pnemonia, pluresy and a combination of both. Even had one doc say there was nothing wrong w/ me ...

All to end up increasing from a low dose of vicodin to percocets (10s). When finally some smart doctor (can you believe one exists? I have a hard time finding them) ... but this smart doc finds a mass in my lung. Oh how wonderful.

We decide it needs to be removed and to do this they had to remove an entire lobe from my lung. Turns out - luckily it was *not* cancerous. Sends me home w/ a script for my percs (10s) and now we've added oxy's but only 10mg.

2 wks later the surgery pain has eased enough that I don't quite need the oxys - left them go rather quickly because I was afraid of ... ehem ... ironically an addiction.

Oops - my stories getting a bit long here. Sorry about that ... let me move it along more quickly. 3 years later I'm still on my percs ... 2 - 10mg - 3 x a day. And I'm also on 30 mg of morphine which are pretty much useless if you ask me. Turns out they don't know exactly what the issue is (many docs) but some speculate its a nerve caught in some scar tissue. (But I can't find anyone to try cutting/burning the nerve!)

We've tried just about every other so-called 'safer med' available - through different doctors trying to find someone to treat the pain rather than cover it up w/ meds. Gabapentin (sucks - doesn't work and I hate the feeling it gives me), Opana, Methadone (made me vomit exactly one hour after every dose I took - seriously - I could have used it as a clock), Patches ... God only knows what else. And for some reason the only one that seems to kick the pain is the percocet.

I remember a couple of years ago thinking I'd be getting off them soon ... thinking eh, this is nothing more than a mental addiction. It'll suck when I have to off them but I'll be alright.

I'll never forget the first morning I woke up and didn't have any cause I had taken a few extras here and there as my tolerance to them went up and I had to get my script filled that day. I woke up drenched from night sweats, I was shaking all over and couldn't cocentrate on anything ... anything but did my doctor sign my freaking script yet???

Scared the crap out of me cause I quickly figured out ... it's not just a mental thing and my body is addicted! This is a physical addiction!

And here I am three years later - a week before I can get my script filled going through hell! I take em cause I love and I take em cause I need them. Unfortunately, three years later you build up a tolerance and can't be taking the same amount you were three years ago and expect it to be still working. And like I said the Morphine sucks and is totally worthless!

I did at least find out one good thing about my brother being an ex heroin addict - I could get some bupes to hopefully get me through this hell. The bad side though is its not going to be enough.

One of the reasons I was going through this forum was to see the best way to make what I had last the longest and how to get through this hell. Trust me, I've been to the streets (or have friends I know can possibly have) ... and things like that are next to impossible to find around here! Hell you're damn lucky if you can find a vicodin ... let along a damn perc! Hickville USA - everyone's either smoking weed or shooting heroin.

I also had some leftover gabapentin and I've read that they can help through the withdrawl ... so far I've taken (1) 300 mg pill and I don't see it helping. Just that old odd feeling I hated so much from them! Waiting for the effects of that to wear off right now before I try a part of one of these bupes - yeah - for everything I've taken over the years, I'm still afraid of mixing some things ... or just a little on the careful side.

Besides, I know a lot about pills - you tend to pick up on a lot when you get in my shoes ... but bupes I know basically nothing. Although I'm really hoping the bupe will help w/ the pain too. I'd love to get high from it - not expecting but hoping - but would really, really just love some pain relief!

I have a love/hate relationship w/ my percs. I love to take them and I hate to take them. I love the way I feel on them - besides the pain relief. (I've told my husband that they should prescribe them to me for depression - cause I don't give a damn when I'm happily high.)

But I hate how much they run my life! I wish the doc would give me enough that I would be out of pain all day long - every day so I don't have to take extra and end up like this at the end of the month. I kick myself every time I get to this point but this month is the absolute worst EVER!

It's so damned hard to not take more when I have that big bottle of pills beside me and I'm still dealing w/ pain - and well the high is just an awesome icing on the cake!

Anyway - I'm here because I've figured out I just took my addiction to a whole new level roaming the internet for more information - finding out how to get through this hell.

But, I have to admit ... remember the love part? I sure do love the hell out of my percs too there's no denying it! And for that ... this seems like quite a great forum to belong to. Nice to see others just like me!

So that's me in a nutshell and believe I could have said more! Hope I haven't bored you all to death!
 
Thank you! I was actually concerned that it might be too much! lol! This really is a great forum! So helpful!
 
Wow, quite an impressive first post haha. Welcome to the boards!
 
I'm glad you found the mega thread you got help in.

Welcome to BL :)
 
Yes! Yes I did! And a lot of help it was! It's so nice to be able to relate to others who are like me - and not have to see the look of disappointment on someone's face!

Thanks for the welcome!
 
Top