From cell @ work:
Ive ben listenin 2 KLOS a lot lately, especially on my "vacation" last wk. I heard the DJ start talkn bout Michael Jackson, all the scandals hes ben thru, then somethin bout bein dead @ age 50? Whoa WTF! "Ah damn it, am realy sorry Michael.
dude may u rest n peace..." I cudnt b leve it. I grew up lisnin 2 him from the time i was 6. I recal thinkn he was old @ age 11 when he was singn n Jackson 5, lol. My folks took me 2 c the movie "Ben" & his song "Ben" was the theme song that made me cry when i heard it, coz i new wot it felt like 2 b treatd like an outcast & ridiculed by my peers @ that young age until i got n2 high school. I dunno wot he did or didnt do n terms of molestn those boys. I wont judge coz i wasnt there. I do no that i've lovd his music & i comend he & Paul 4 makn music 2 adres racial biggotry, good 4 him. Hes had a tortured life though n spite of his wealth. Im glad i didnt have his childhood. I was only bout 11 when i realy njoyd watchn "Charlies Angels" & thought they were awesome shown that women cud b capable of more than mere decoration. In the 70's that was a big deal. I read she died from anal cancer at age 62. What a shame. I am convincd when we die that we all go 2 a purgatory of sorts 2 recognize an atone 4 the harm we have done 2 others an ourselves, but God is merciful & takes n2 acount y we may have ben "bad." I only wish the best 4 every1 coz even when bad people do bad things, those actions d fine wot they did, not who they REALLY r. That said i hope they r n a betr place by now. May they RIP. Amen.
Speakn of Michael an Farrah, i hope they r n heaven. I wondr @ times if i wil have a longer stay n purgatory when i die coz of my drug addiction. I have felt torn coz i certainly dont want 2 go back 2 that horrific 240 lb nitemare! Its not even bout bein super model, but no energy, back an feet pain, hatin 2 walk, when i always love 2 even at my present wt of 185. Im still 30 lbs overweight, but feel good, look good, and exercise is no longer a chore i hate. Ive talkd 2 God bout this repeatedly. If im not doin drugs, im then tortured by constant obsession w food! Its like i merely traded 1 vice 4 another when i got clean an my numerous atempts @ losn more than 10 lbs an kepn it off were useless, so i had resignd myself 2 the fact id b a fat cow w/o sex or love ever again or go on rides @ theme parks. I recal how i felt 10 mo clean an 2 fat 2 get on a ride, my feet hurt from walkn, wot a fukn nitemare. At least now im overweight, but no longer wot i considr 2 b fat at 5'8", size 16. My ht lets me cary it wel, an b sides, some guys like that. Mainly i do coz i can live w this. Everywhere i go people tell me how good i look w 55 lbs gone. Is it any wonder i dont want 2 quit meth 4 good? Sigh. I sleep 8 hrs day when im on it, dont eat much, make myself eat somethin. Stil, havn 2 maintain myself w dope most of the time isnt easy. I took a break yesterday, took the tiny bit i had left 2nite just so id have nergy 2 go 2 work, then cald the dope man 2 re up 2maro AM. So didnt quite last the 4 days off i had pland. Mom is woried coz i dont go n e where n e more when im high. I cant tel her that thou, im just tired i say, yet when im not on the shit i realy AM tired & dont feel like doin shit. I was ok yesterday not usin, but felt it 2nite after havn slept 11 hrs. So life is a conflict noin Mom & NA friends mis me, yet havn 2 give my body wot it needs.. So if i die 2day or 2maro am i goin 2 hell? Kind of sad wondern, but i just dont no.
Ive ben listenin 2 KLOS a lot lately, especially on my "vacation" last wk. I heard the DJ start talkn bout Michael Jackson, all the scandals hes ben thru, then somethin bout bein dead @ age 50? Whoa WTF! "Ah damn it, am realy sorry Michael.
dude may u rest n peace..." I cudnt b leve it. I grew up lisnin 2 him from the time i was 6. I recal thinkn he was old @ age 11 when he was singn n Jackson 5, lol. My folks took me 2 c the movie "Ben" & his song "Ben" was the theme song that made me cry when i heard it, coz i new wot it felt like 2 b treatd like an outcast & ridiculed by my peers @ that young age until i got n2 high school. I dunno wot he did or didnt do n terms of molestn those boys. I wont judge coz i wasnt there. I do no that i've lovd his music & i comend he & Paul 4 makn music 2 adres racial biggotry, good 4 him. Hes had a tortured life though n spite of his wealth. Im glad i didnt have his childhood. I was only bout 11 when i realy njoyd watchn "Charlies Angels" & thought they were awesome shown that women cud b capable of more than mere decoration. In the 70's that was a big deal. I read she died from anal cancer at age 62. What a shame. I am convincd when we die that we all go 2 a purgatory of sorts 2 recognize an atone 4 the harm we have done 2 others an ourselves, but God is merciful & takes n2 acount y we may have ben "bad." I only wish the best 4 every1 coz even when bad people do bad things, those actions d fine wot they did, not who they REALLY r. That said i hope they r n a betr place by now. May they RIP. Amen. Speakn of Michael an Farrah, i hope they r n heaven. I wondr @ times if i wil have a longer stay n purgatory when i die coz of my drug addiction. I have felt torn coz i certainly dont want 2 go back 2 that horrific 240 lb nitemare! Its not even bout bein super model, but no energy, back an feet pain, hatin 2 walk, when i always love 2 even at my present wt of 185. Im still 30 lbs overweight, but feel good, look good, and exercise is no longer a chore i hate. Ive talkd 2 God bout this repeatedly. If im not doin drugs, im then tortured by constant obsession w food! Its like i merely traded 1 vice 4 another when i got clean an my numerous atempts @ losn more than 10 lbs an kepn it off were useless, so i had resignd myself 2 the fact id b a fat cow w/o sex or love ever again or go on rides @ theme parks. I recal how i felt 10 mo clean an 2 fat 2 get on a ride, my feet hurt from walkn, wot a fukn nitemare. At least now im overweight, but no longer wot i considr 2 b fat at 5'8", size 16. My ht lets me cary it wel, an b sides, some guys like that. Mainly i do coz i can live w this. Everywhere i go people tell me how good i look w 55 lbs gone. Is it any wonder i dont want 2 quit meth 4 good? Sigh. I sleep 8 hrs day when im on it, dont eat much, make myself eat somethin. Stil, havn 2 maintain myself w dope most of the time isnt easy. I took a break yesterday, took the tiny bit i had left 2nite just so id have nergy 2 go 2 work, then cald the dope man 2 re up 2maro AM. So didnt quite last the 4 days off i had pland. Mom is woried coz i dont go n e where n e more when im high. I cant tel her that thou, im just tired i say, yet when im not on the shit i realy AM tired & dont feel like doin shit. I was ok yesterday not usin, but felt it 2nite after havn slept 11 hrs. So life is a conflict noin Mom & NA friends mis me, yet havn 2 give my body wot it needs.. So if i die 2day or 2maro am i goin 2 hell? Kind of sad wondern, but i just dont no.
