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Healthy open relationships - are they even possible?

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nomadicone

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 12, 2013
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I have an amazing boyfriend... I want an open relationship, and he doesn't. He's convinced they don't work. I'm so curious though, and I'm not sure how to go about it if we were to try... so I'm wondering if there are any people out there who are in a healthy open relationship, or who know about how to have one?

How does it work? What rules did you establish? How did you deal with information sharing and jealousy? What about equality and resentment? And probably the elephant in the room question - do you feel like a relationship in this manner is truly sustainable over the long run? Any advice you can give would be great...
 
I had an open relationship before for a few months.. It was ok but since you are seeing other people there is a possibility or chances that you might fall in love with someone else. Whenever we were together, we never talk about it. I think it is possible to have an open relationship but both of you have to be "really in love" with one another to avoid breaking up in the future.
 
If you're both mature enough then yes it can work. But it seems like he doesn't want to... it's not good to force him!

As for boundaries, you have to set them. Maybe you have to talk to each other before you're sleeping with someone else. I dunno. Rules like that, you need to set them.
 
They do not work unless the guy doesn't actually care for you.

Any relationship based on rules of behavior might as well be one not based on actual relationship dynamics such as respect or honesty.
 
I have a few gay friends in open relationships - they both have sex with other guys and it works for them, they both love each other and have been in a relationship for years. To them sex is simply sex / there into the guy at the time but that doesn't effect the way the feel about their BF - I also have friends who are in a relationship where one of them is Bisexual - so they have sex with hook ups now and then.

For some it's simply sex - for others its about a different kind of connection an escape from the norm etc.

Having an open relationship does not mean that you do not 'love' your current partner at all. Some people have this desire to stick a label on things - this is love, this is straight, this is gay etc which is not always applicable/relevant.
 
its about whether you are possessive (jealous)

see humans have a variety of mating strategies from promiscuity (i fall under this) to monogamy and polygamy

the point is that if he isn't into it your relationship will go downhill. if both partners want it then that is different. but in this case they dont so it will have a destructive influence
 
^^^^ I absolutely agree. Both partners have to be on the same page, and need to evaluate how they are feeling about it frequently to avoid any jealousy issues that might pop up.
 
I have known people who were poly and they had great relationships. They had all been together for a long time too. One couple was even married. I think it can definitely work but it depends on the couple. You have to have a strong relationship, trust, good communication and be able to separate sex from love. Most couples don't meet those requirements unfortunately.
 
Oh I'm absolutely sure it can work - however maybe not in your situation simply because he's not up to it now. So even if you convince him it would be a worthwhile thing to try, he'd surely still have his doubts and be skeptical about it and I do think that's a recipe for disaster in an open relationship. IMO it's something that needs toh ave the two partners completely motivated from the start. Then again, you can't know if you don't try, but if the two of you do decide to go through with it I would approach it with caution. But I'm sure it can work for some people :)
 
Joeof1 said:
They do not work unless the guy doesn't actually care for you.
Click to expand...

LOL! Perhaps you've had some bad experience with guys but that's no reason you should be presuming something like this which isn't true at all.

Beachcat said:
^^^^ I absolutely agree. Both partners have to be on the same page, and need to evaluate how they are feeling about it frequently to avoid any jealousy issues that might pop up.
Click to expand...

Yeah it's something that you need to communicate about regularly. You've got to understand each other. If anyone starts to get jealous, you've gotta talk it through and maybe put a break on the open relationship temporarily.
You have to have a really good relationship - strong, trusting, communication skills, etc.

In your situation though, it really seems like he is just not into it, so make sure he becomes into it because he's okay with it, not because he feels pressured.
 
it's possible, but overcoming jealousy and possessiveness takes some time. a good way to start is by having 3-somes, so one partner doesn't feel left out.

for me, jealousy is a lot about self-esteem and insecurities. make sure your partner knows that he's uniquely valuable to you, and that it can't be mitigated by affairs.

A book i recommend everyone: http://www.amazon.de/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
 
Anyone have any tips about discussing this with their partner? Apparently "I want a harem" doesn't work.

(PS: Hi Pagey!)
 
(See, you're totally converted!)

I think the best way to discuss it would be to start off by asking them if they've ever thought about it. Just start off with a general conversation about your partner's thoughts on the matter and continue from there I guess. Suggesting a threesome and then potentially moving on from there might also make the transition more smooth and 'acceptable' for both parties.
 
If he doesn't want one, then he doesn't want one. Why are you even looking into it considering he's such an amazing boyfriend?
 
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