roadkill barbie
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2010
- Messages
- 84
huh,, is it just me or seriously is this turning into a 'lets just critique subs way of getting over this' type thread.. I don't know whether he even infered it anyways but the fact is yes we are all unique, some more than others when it comes to trying out NA in getting clean- I mean some of us have had horrific childhoods we still aren't telling counsellors let alone NA,, some of us just used pot for too many years and need NA for that, some have mental health issues underpinning their substance misuse, others inferiority/sexual/ low self esteem issues - I started off at OA which is another different story -I'm sorry but I find this quite militant NA talk a bit disconcerting,, not so much in this thread but in the NA UK forum anyway. I don't really get much of the 'me to' kinda stuff happen at all with any from NA, partly because I'm new to it and partly because occasionally the reasons people take drugs are quite different to others- and I couldnt imagine ever really opening up to a group of virtual strangers why I'm an addict personally. And missy,, are you really so sure you're not that special? Maybe you are, just a thought.
Sub, I dunno mate,, do you feel your in recovery? Maybe 'on the road to recovery' would be more honest,, and maybe sharing this kinda stuff with those at NA is another little step, I dont know.. I do think that you've got to do it at your own pace and just stay focused on some difficult terrain ahead mate - but from what I've read I'd say you were making progress, and most certainly have every right to be doing as many meetings as you need to at this point in time,, I mean isnt there main goal to carry the message to the addict who's still using like me and you?. I appreciate missys POV sure - but just take it as her POV,, mine is just a bit different in that I know that you sub, should not go back to shooting H, and perhaps you should give up the shooting up bit altogether asap just to give yourself some distance from that ritual,, even if it takes a bit more suboxone orally or a bit of DHC on top mate- I think thats a big step for you to do in your own time,, but I do know through chopping up/chasing/plugging, hell even treasure hunting for the odd bit off spliffage and building tulip joints back in the day how important the rituals are,,and it'd be great your down to not using needles sometime soon mate. And Im sorry but I dont care for what you say when you say " I find it very easy not to abuse it by filtering 2mg at a time with 4 ml of water. I thinks its the best ROA for suboxone" Who gives a fuck about the best ROA when its a needle and you're tapering down dude? Seriously,,harsh words but I say up your oral sub level, take a few extra trams/DHC's , whatever,, but I just can't let that one slide buddy, because I care.
Totally agree with you on maintaining your own identity / individuality with NA.. I have seen some on other forums or at my meet make it like their religion or some shit -fuck that and the NAbots,,, period!
And if others want to see it in terms of " Sorry, but to me, it's doesn't sound like you've embraced the program of NA" well good for them,, but even if you haven't who really does make a completely smooth landing into the ways of NA?,,, and trust me I know I haven't. Only you know how far you've come from sticking a needle full of smack back in your vein and thinkin about keepin up the habit... From the little time I've known you I'd say you've come a long way,, even if its not strictly the NA way.. Dude,, I've been reading and writing bits and bobs of the thread for ages now and I feel Ive only just skimmed the surface,, as this thread suits me as far as where I'm at to,, so,,, just as a cautionary tale ;
sub/ y'all,, I guess I took 3 steps back and 1 step forward (hey at least I finished my course and gained a few insights!)_.. I'm hoping to at least rejoin NA tomorrow but I had a week back in my hometown where I thought my old buddy was clean but wasn't and,, to be honest, I thought what the fuck and got back on the smack for a week (weak as piss smack though it was and I have the uneasy feeling he was taking more of the deals he passed on to me than he should, but still).. Thing is - the night before goin back to my old hometown where I scored - I was in party mood after finishing my home study open uni exam and ,,at last, after well over a year my mate found a new K seller, I know I couldve got it at times in the past year when I just didnt as its not that physically addictive, but it kida landed on my lap so I did a few grams of that,, and oh my fuckin lord, I just remembered what I'd been missing.. Sub I lost my mind to acid, among other things in a drug induced psychosis back in 97 so I aint takin acid no more, DMT I find interesting but K Ive always 'flowed' with more -besides I just find it the weirdest of trips yet a lot more controllable than many psychadelics at the same time. As with life,, 'its only a ride'!
So I'd had my year of rinsing the K till theres no more holes to fit into and I felt like I was pissing pieces of glass, bought the T-shirt and relocated due in part to the cocktail of uppers and K taking their toll on me mentally, among other things,but.... So anyways,, back in my hometown on some admittedly pretty shit smack -just chasing/snorting it -realising how fuckin weak I was,, and how (to quote a pop song), "heroin is so passe" really and how far I had come off course,, but also realising all the time I wish I had a bit of Ketamine there with me rather than the H- I dont wanna be using K every week,, but that same ego dissolving spiritual insight you mentioned with combining acid and DMT,, well as I guess you know, K holing can bring about very similar inspirational moments of transcendance... And no I'm not saying they are anything but a form of complete abstract ego extinguishing psychosis, but for me,, taking that K trip once again after a year and a half off it was pure magic in a way that the H I scored couldn't ever touch..
So like I say sub,, from where I was last time I posted on here I fucked up big time- but that was only 10 days ago and at least I've realised quite a bit..1)I am not always totally powerless over individual events where drugs are put in front of me,, there's times I can say no,, but I am power-less to quit drugs altogether at this point in my life,, which is very little to admit I know but I've not been attending recent NA meetings and still have issues with the 12 steps etc. 2.) Smack isnt the problem as I find more enduring opiate joys(and harder WD's) from the DHC/Tram/Pods combo I was on and had regular access to (of which I'm off tramadols at least, powder one last hit). 3.) I still need NA, but feel like a total fraud even going due to the fact of my recent re-use,, maybe I'll just turn up and absorb what the group are saying, but I know I need the fellowship and ""God"" in my life right now 4.) I seriously think I can come off the opiates if I just discipline myself into healthy living, back into fight training a bit of self-belief and realising that once I get my degree next year I could really make a difference in peoples lives,, whilst K-holing only when I need a break from this form of 'reality' and fancy a 15 minute epic mental breakdown of an adventure -even if thats a temporary solution, trying again to be off the opiates for Xmas and just Doin kiz a bit would be a positive change'. 5.) As mentioned, Ive fucked up again but I AM making little steps forwards towards a drug free, if not med free life.
So much more to say mate,, keep in touch though bruv, I think you sent me your old email address so do check it from time to time,, when ya get the chance tho mate,, keep busy and seriously -you have a lot to be proud about,, deep down, I think we're both getting somewhere
Anytime my friend,, be well - Roadkill
Sub, I dunno mate,, do you feel your in recovery? Maybe 'on the road to recovery' would be more honest,, and maybe sharing this kinda stuff with those at NA is another little step, I dont know.. I do think that you've got to do it at your own pace and just stay focused on some difficult terrain ahead mate - but from what I've read I'd say you were making progress, and most certainly have every right to be doing as many meetings as you need to at this point in time,, I mean isnt there main goal to carry the message to the addict who's still using like me and you?. I appreciate missys POV sure - but just take it as her POV,, mine is just a bit different in that I know that you sub, should not go back to shooting H, and perhaps you should give up the shooting up bit altogether asap just to give yourself some distance from that ritual,, even if it takes a bit more suboxone orally or a bit of DHC on top mate- I think thats a big step for you to do in your own time,, but I do know through chopping up/chasing/plugging, hell even treasure hunting for the odd bit off spliffage and building tulip joints back in the day how important the rituals are,,and it'd be great your down to not using needles sometime soon mate. And Im sorry but I dont care for what you say when you say " I find it very easy not to abuse it by filtering 2mg at a time with 4 ml of water. I thinks its the best ROA for suboxone" Who gives a fuck about the best ROA when its a needle and you're tapering down dude? Seriously,,harsh words but I say up your oral sub level, take a few extra trams/DHC's , whatever,, but I just can't let that one slide buddy, because I care.
Totally agree with you on maintaining your own identity / individuality with NA.. I have seen some on other forums or at my meet make it like their religion or some shit -fuck that and the NAbots,,, period!
And if others want to see it in terms of " Sorry, but to me, it's doesn't sound like you've embraced the program of NA" well good for them,, but even if you haven't who really does make a completely smooth landing into the ways of NA?,,, and trust me I know I haven't. Only you know how far you've come from sticking a needle full of smack back in your vein and thinkin about keepin up the habit... From the little time I've known you I'd say you've come a long way,, even if its not strictly the NA way.. Dude,, I've been reading and writing bits and bobs of the thread for ages now and I feel Ive only just skimmed the surface,, as this thread suits me as far as where I'm at to,, so,,, just as a cautionary tale ;
sub/ y'all,, I guess I took 3 steps back and 1 step forward (hey at least I finished my course and gained a few insights!)_.. I'm hoping to at least rejoin NA tomorrow but I had a week back in my hometown where I thought my old buddy was clean but wasn't and,, to be honest, I thought what the fuck and got back on the smack for a week (weak as piss smack though it was and I have the uneasy feeling he was taking more of the deals he passed on to me than he should, but still).. Thing is - the night before goin back to my old hometown where I scored - I was in party mood after finishing my home study open uni exam and ,,at last, after well over a year my mate found a new K seller, I know I couldve got it at times in the past year when I just didnt as its not that physically addictive, but it kida landed on my lap so I did a few grams of that,, and oh my fuckin lord, I just remembered what I'd been missing.. Sub I lost my mind to acid, among other things in a drug induced psychosis back in 97 so I aint takin acid no more, DMT I find interesting but K Ive always 'flowed' with more -besides I just find it the weirdest of trips yet a lot more controllable than many psychadelics at the same time. As with life,, 'its only a ride'!
So I'd had my year of rinsing the K till theres no more holes to fit into and I felt like I was pissing pieces of glass, bought the T-shirt and relocated due in part to the cocktail of uppers and K taking their toll on me mentally, among other things,but.... So anyways,, back in my hometown on some admittedly pretty shit smack -just chasing/snorting it -realising how fuckin weak I was,, and how (to quote a pop song), "heroin is so passe" really and how far I had come off course,, but also realising all the time I wish I had a bit of Ketamine there with me rather than the H- I dont wanna be using K every week,, but that same ego dissolving spiritual insight you mentioned with combining acid and DMT,, well as I guess you know, K holing can bring about very similar inspirational moments of transcendance... And no I'm not saying they are anything but a form of complete abstract ego extinguishing psychosis, but for me,, taking that K trip once again after a year and a half off it was pure magic in a way that the H I scored couldn't ever touch..
So like I say sub,, from where I was last time I posted on here I fucked up big time- but that was only 10 days ago and at least I've realised quite a bit..1)I am not always totally powerless over individual events where drugs are put in front of me,, there's times I can say no,, but I am power-less to quit drugs altogether at this point in my life,, which is very little to admit I know but I've not been attending recent NA meetings and still have issues with the 12 steps etc. 2.) Smack isnt the problem as I find more enduring opiate joys(and harder WD's) from the DHC/Tram/Pods combo I was on and had regular access to (of which I'm off tramadols at least, powder one last hit). 3.) I still need NA, but feel like a total fraud even going due to the fact of my recent re-use,, maybe I'll just turn up and absorb what the group are saying, but I know I need the fellowship and ""God"" in my life right now 4.) I seriously think I can come off the opiates if I just discipline myself into healthy living, back into fight training a bit of self-belief and realising that once I get my degree next year I could really make a difference in peoples lives,, whilst K-holing only when I need a break from this form of 'reality' and fancy a 15 minute epic mental breakdown of an adventure -even if thats a temporary solution, trying again to be off the opiates for Xmas and just Doin kiz a bit would be a positive change'. 5.) As mentioned, Ive fucked up again but I AM making little steps forwards towards a drug free, if not med free life.
So much more to say mate,, keep in touch though bruv, I think you sent me your old email address so do check it from time to time,, when ya get the chance tho mate,, keep busy and seriously -you have a lot to be proud about,, deep down, I think we're both getting somewhere
Anytime my friend,, be well - Roadkill
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